How many times have I said it?? When will I ever learn?? In truth, we have slowed down considerably. Mostly. It’s just that every so often life gets busy again.
June was one of those times. Music gigs are sometimes a bit like weddings……there are ‘seasons’ when they all come at once. The bigger ones tend to have the tickets on sale well in advance, so it’s easy to get carried away and overcommit. It’s also very easy to forget you’re supposed to be slowing down, and think you can keep running.
Since my diagnosis I have become what I like to describe as ‘full of YOLOery’! I’m grabbing life and enjoying it…..as is only right and proper when you’ve been reminded your days on this Earth are numbered. Sometimes I’m guilty of YOLOing a wee bit too much. June seems to have been an example of this, with gigs and trips galore…… Each one was superb and I had an absolute ball….
- Eagles and The Doobie Brothers in Manchester. Outstanding. Vocal harmonies that brought tears to my eyes.
- Crowded House at Blenheim Palace. What a band, what a venue. Far too posh for us really, but we ran with it. We opted not to pre-order a Fortnum & Mason picnic hamper because we felt the price tag was a bit high, and we’re not Prosecco or champagne drinkers!! The gig was outdoor but fully seated and very wonderful indeed. Crowded House are one of our very favourites, you might think you don’t their music but I can assure you that you do! Look them up on YouTube and relive your younger years with a smile on your face……a few starters, “Weather With You”, “It’s Only Natural”, “Fall At Your Feet”, “Distant Sun”……I can almost hear the penny dropping in your head as you say to yourself “Oh yes, I loved that one”
- Sting and Blondie in Belfast. Well it would’ve been rude not to! Another cracker gig but no seats this time. Oh well, nothing else for it than to dance, dance, dance!
- Pearl Jam in Manchester. A bucket list one, though perhaps somewhat controversially, not my favourite. Eddie Vedder, by his own admission, wasn’t well. I think that showed, they cancelled the next few planned shows. They played a bit too much off the new album which I haven’t really immersed myself in. I guess I can’t blame them for that, but as Sting quoted at his gig “I once asked Elton John when I should play a new song and he told me never! The crowd want to hear the classics, they’re not there for the new stuff!” That might be slightly misquoted and apologies to Sting and Elton if I got the wrong people, but someone we’d seen recently before Pearl Jam said something like that, and it’s true. I was excited about Pearl Jam because I wanted to hear the classics. In fairness, I did have a tear in my eye when they did ‘Elderly Woman at a Counter in a Small Town Store” Beautiful.
So that was our social life in June. Busy and plenty of travel, which I don’t do well at the best of times. Of course, our lives aren’t just about music and fun. The fun times have to be funded. We both work. Hard. I work 4 days a week but on those days I do 07:30 to 16:30, so am not a kick in the arse off full time hours.
I’m fortunate after 22 years to still enjoy my job. I found my calling and loved the challenge of it and went back as soon as my treatment was over way back seven years ago. Unfortunately it involves a lot of meetings. Meetings that I have to prepare for, with both written documents and verbal updates. I actually don’t mind meetings, especially when they’re face to face, but the prep can be something of a hidden effort….. it might not tick a ‘returns’ box but it takes up plenty of hours. Even more unfortunately, June seems to be a busy season for my work calendar. All of a sudden everything seemed to come in at once, with meetings and requests, and just ‘stuff’ needing done. I found myself spinning plates. Partially my own fault for taking far too much time off to get involved in YOLOery!!
I found myself getting a bit anxious about work when I was off, knowing what I was going back into. I thought I was on top of it…. I’d scheduled out my work plan, what I’d do on different days etc. I didn’t account for how long it would take to trawl through all the emails I missed when I was off. Each time I returned there were literally hundreds, and they always seemed to include another scheduled meeting! Or a postponed meeting, meaning I’d wasted precious time preparing for something that wasn’t going ahead. Frustrating but again, it’s not really anyone else’s fault that I only work four days a week and was off loads in June.
Anyway, I was getting through things rightly. When I was in the office I was ‘head down, arse up’, work work work. We were reaching the end of the month and things were set to calm down a bit for a while. No gigs and no trips for a while. Just one report to finish. It was a big one and I was on a tight deadline, but I was nearly there. As I sat in work last Wednesday, I felt confident I’d get it sent off the next day.
Then something happened. As I sat at my desk typing away, my left arm seemed to be getting numb. I stopped to flex the muscles and it fell like a dead weight to my side. My hand started tingling and I felt like I had pins and needles in my fingers. Terrified I might have a seizure, I tried to phone hubby. He was in a training course so had his phone on silent. I rang my Oncologist’s PS and asked her if I could speak to him. She told me I should go to A&E.
Panicking, I half walked, half stumbled to the nearest office with an open door and to my further alarm said in a very slurred voice “Can you help me?” Thankfully one of the guys in the office immediately jumped up, came to my side, and led me to a chair. He sat me down, whilst reassuring me that he’d get me to A&E. Thanks to him, I was in A&E within 15 minutes, and was taken straight away.
Things moved very quickly. I was assessed and, as in my initial high drama entry into the hospital world over seven years ago, was diagnosed as having probably had a stroke. My protestations were ignored. Probably rightly so…I might think I’m something of an expert, but realistically how would I know if I’d had a stroke or not??
I was kept in hospital for observation and to allow further tests to be conducted. The right thing and I was fortunate to have such superb support, but also terrifying. I was of course convinced this was no stroke, surely it had to be my old friend back to talk to me again (another Simon & Garfunkel quote, kind of!)
It wasn’t long before the overthinking took over, and the tears started. Hubby was up the road and at my bedside as soon as he was able to see the messages on his phone. Yet again, my poor big man having to deal with the drama of a sick wife. We both agreed it was far more likely to be exhaustion from doing too much, combined with a bit of work related stress, and it turned out we were right…
After two nights in hospital, scans and observations, I was deemed fit to go home, safe in the knowledge that I didn’t have a stroke. Initial observations are that there’s no change in the tumour either, and although that is yet to be officially confirmed, I’m cautiously optimistic.
A definite case of doing too muchery. Doh. Another week off work to recover. Another embarrassment. It’s not my fault I’m unwell, but it is my fault when I forget myself and try to act like a young thing!!
My list of things to do this week is short:
- Rest up
- Get some thank you cards
- Reassess your life
- Wise up
So far I’ve done plenty of resting up, and hubby and I have spent many hours reassessing our life. Our conclusion was one we’d already reached prior to the latest drama…… slow it down. Do like Eagles taught us and ‘take it easy’. It remains somewhat unfair that we had already agreed this and would’ve stuck to it, yet my body thought it necessary to give us a good old kicking as a reminder. Seriously like?? We’ve no plans now until September and even that’s a slow and relaxing trip to the homeland to relax with family and friends, and spend time on the beach in Fife. Yes there’s one gig too, but it’s a gentle one, surrounded by downtime.
As a (not so) wise man once said “Not giving up living to live” (Nasa Assassin). I will, however, slow the flock down!! I promise. I’ve already started. I’m like a tortoise here ffs! Yesterday I didn’t even have a sea dip, opting for just getting my feet wet instead.
Trust me. I’m a tortoise. Watch me move slow. Watch me win the race.
Living with xx
