Hide if you want, but I’m not seeking!

Oncology this morning. We had a nightmare journey down the road...... the traffic was so bad we had to make a quick diversion and take a different route. We got to the Royal with about 5 mins to spare...... only to meet a queue of traffic for the car park. This is a common problem and we always leave early to allow us extra time to get parked, but the worse than normal congestion on the motorway had left us with no time for car park delays! We had no choice but to split up...... hubby dropped me off and I took to my beaters...... my phone pedometer says I’ve been ‘lightly active’ today........ I’d beg to differ! I ran from the front of the hospital, through to the back old building, pulling off my coat as I went......like a wee young thing!! After a final, agonising delay at the lifts, I finally made it to my appointment with literally two minutes to spare! 

Of course I needn’t have worried. I sat for almost 15 minutes before I was called. I don’t like going in to see consultants on my own, but hubby was still on a car park tour so I had no choice. Thankfully the news was good.......

Essentially there is no sign of any cancerous activity. The Oncologist explained that my brain is scarred and battered from the surgeries, radio and chemo. It will never look like a ‘normal’ brain. I’m not convinced it ever would have! 

Anyway, all this scarring means they cannot see any signs of cancer. The words used were ‘There are probably still some cancerous cells underneath, but they’re not showing up on the scan so they’re quiet at the moment.”

That’s the best news we could probably get. Hubby walked in just as I was coming out and I felt the tears starting. Why was I crying?? I’d just been given amazing news but all I find myself focusing on is the knowledge it’s going to come back one day. The oncologist had confirmed when I said I knew that was the inevitable outcome...... to him I’d laughed and confidently said “But you don’t really know. It might not. Everyone is different.” but walking back into reality I felt the shadow of cancer hovering over me again. 

I think it’s normal to feel fear, but I won’t let that sort of maudlin attitude last. It’s not healthy. I went to the ladies room, looked at myself in the mirror and said out loud “They can’t see anything. Maybe it’s gone. They don’t know. You don’t know. Sort yourself out.” 

I came out, took my husband’s hand, and we left the hospital yet again. We had a cuppa, took a walk round a few shops and then met our gorgeous big son for lunch before heading home. I made a point of texting people to tell them the good news in a bid to remind myself that it being happy wasn’t  going to curse me!

As I sit here blogging hubby is listening to music. Giving my writing a soundtrack...... As Jackson Browne sang “Doctor my eyes” I stood up and put out my hands to my husband of 23 years. As we danced round the living room, I cuddled in close and felt all the anxiety and negativity wash away. 

It’s a positive attitude, not a tempting of fate. I can’t be afraid of things that haven’t happened. How does the quote go??

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, which is why we call it the present.”

My present is great. I have a wonderful husband, fantastic family and friends. I have a good life. I’m not letting a few cells that may or may not be hiding cast a shadow over our happiness.

I’m not seeking. Let’s dance!!