When the going gets tough, the tough go sea swimming!

“I’m alive and I can feel the blood shiver in my bones”

from Ghosts by Bruce Springsteen

It’s been a challenging few weeks. Nothing that is unique to me as a cancer patient, rather just ‘real world stuff’........ an ageing family member and all the associated difficulties in trying to do the right things, for the right reasons, at the right times, being the main focus of my energy. ‘Normal’ stresses of everyday life, experienced by people the world over.

Unfortunately my coping ability for any stresses, even for those of an every day nature, can sometimes leave a little to be desired since my diagnosis. At my routine Neurology appointment on Thursday I felt compelled (not least because hubby had made me promise!) to admit to a couple of minor ‘wobbles’. My friend refers to them as ‘mini mals’ and that seems like a very apt description........ not a full seizure and nothing too dramatic, but a definite tingling, numbness and weakness down my left arm and a facial ‘pull’ where the left hand side of my mouth is visibly pulled down, like someone has threaded a string through the corner of my lip and is pulling it taut.  I’ve only had two or three in total, lasting just a few minutes each, and have always recovered quickly after sitting down and doing some deep breathing exercises. Regardless, an increase in medication was strongly advised. I accepted it, despite some reservations.......previous experience of phenytoin toxicity will make a girl naturally and rightly cautious, and I was never a big fan of taking any sort medication to begin with! So the anti seizure medication has increased a tiny bit.

Disappointing and a little confusing, given my excellent scan results. My neurologist explained that stress and tiredness are amongst the biggest triggers for adverse neurological issues. I asked was it not better to learn to deal with stress rather than increasing meds?  He agreed but told me sometimes life throws challenges that anyone would struggle with and the increase in medication is just an extra safeguard. I also asked him why I was still having the occasional weird thing happen when my scans looked clear. He explained the cancer and treatment all leave scarring. That makes sense I guess.... who hasn’t had an injury that heals but leaves a slight weakness? Very few of us I’d suggest. So I accepted the extra precaution due to its minimal nature, and so far haven’t felt any negative impacts. 

At the same time I’ve paid particular attention to looking after my own wellbeing, with help from hubby and a couple of very dear friends. There have been a few long phone calls,  a few even longer walks, a bit of being spoiled at home, and a couple of delicious sea dips.......

On Wednesday hubby and I returned to the scene of the crime...... A lovely blustery walk on Downhill beach, followed by a walk around Mussenden Temple.......the area I spent the afternoon walking in before my initial grand mal seizure three and a half years ago. 

Yesterday we walked in our local forest....... my childhood playground (despite not being allowed to go there on my own as a child.....yeah right! How to encourage a child to something they shouldn’t? Simple, just tell them not to do it!!) 

This morning, after deciding earlier in the week that the weather didn’t look suitable for a sea dip, my wee pal and I spontaneously decided to go anyway to check conditions with our own eyes...... we were side by side half an hour later, looking out at a choppy but manageable sea.  

It was a quick dip, not much more than 10 minutes, but one which left us giggling like two schoolgirls. The laughing started when seaweed kept getting tangled around our legs and my mate lifted a bit out of the water that was like a small tree!! The laughter became louder after a total wipeout by a particularly big wave! Please note, we never take chances in high seas........we never go out of our depth and are particularly wary of any undertow (or ‘sucky sea’ as we like to call it!) A sea slap or even a good dunking can be great fun as long as you make sure you always have someone with you, know what you’re doing,  and are strong enough to get yourself back up.

As ever, my buddy was quick to try to help me as she saw me get dunked by a tall wave that broke right on top of us..... never one to be put off by the fact that’s she’s 5 inches or more shorter than me, she made a grab for me as I was given a good, hard sea slap!! In carrying out this act of heroism, she managed to grab my left boob fairly hard! After 25 years of friendship this did nothing but make us roar with laughter even more! I’m still giggling now, thinking about our antics, despite the slightly achy boob and scrape on my thigh lol.

So after a few rough weeks, a stormy sea has completed my healing process. I’ll keep taking the tablets, but I’ll also keep heeding the advise of the great life coach, Dory, and  ‘just keep swimming’!!

Living with xx

Side effects; the pros and cons

Cancer has brought a lot of side effects; some negative, some positive.

On the negative side:

• My feet. My poor feet. They’ve just never been the same again. I suspect the blame lies with the extreme and super fast steroid weight gain. I have old woman feet :( Recurring ingrown big toenails, hard skin, sporadic pains and random swelling. Thankfully no hairy toes so I’m not a complete hobbit just yet!!
• Tinnitus. Sometimes it’s like an airplane is coming in to land. Sometimes it’s a feeling of ‘fullness’. Sometimes it’s just a mild ache. 
• Joint aches. Again I blame the fast steroid weight gain and lack of energy to exercise. Pain is particularly associated with places where I had previous injury...... the shoulder I had surgery on for a bone spur, my coccyx that I remain convinced I chipped after bouncing off an enamel toilet whilst passing out from heatstroke in Thailand. Other joints just aren’t as flexible as they used to be but this is gradually improving through time and effort. I won’t be doing squats anytime soon, but I can get myself up off the floor, with much effort and in a very undignified manner...... as was proven when I had to get onto the floor in my retired boss’s office to reboot the computer. There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you’re stuck sitting on the floor of a senior person’s office...... and there’s a window in the door that looks out into a busy corridor! I had to shout on his PS to come in to help me, but managed to get myself up as she stood ready to catch me if my jelly knees decided to give up!! As someone once told me when I slipped on ice many years ago, “Pride fairly get you up, girl!” True.
• Hormonal shifts. This isn’t really one for public consumption! Suffice to say my treatment (and probably my age) led to an early menopause that has not been a joyful experience!
• The apparent inability (or perhaps it’s motivation) to shift that last stone....
• Inability to deal with stressful situations. I am quick to tears and it’s not unusual to find me deep breathing my way through anxiety. Cancer, treatment or hormones?? Take your pick!!
• An insane fear of heights. I never liked them, but now I find myself frozen with fear on the balcony of the Ulster Hall, almost falling over whilst trying to avoid stairs that are 2 meters away, and almost crying when watching hubby get ‘too close’ to a cliff edge (again around 2 meters is too close!)

Whinge whinge, gurn gurn. Let’s look at the positives!

• I know who I can depend on. My inner circle is smaller than it used to be, but it’s tight. I know who genuinely cares and who I can rely upon.
• I don’t get drawn into negativity as often and, when I do, I’m quicker to pull myself out of it. I can forgive and forget more easily because I understand how detrimental to health bad feeling is. I can also walk away from people who I know are bad for my wellbeing. 
• I’ve learnt to appreciate the small things more. The sea; how exhilarating it feels to swim in it, how good it feels to deeply breathe in the sea air, how calming the sound and sight of the waves are, how beautiful the landscape and wildlife of a beach are. The forest; how the air smells, how the trees and plants grow wild, how the birds sing, how the squirrels jump from tree to tree. 
• I’ve learnt how to find humour in pretty much anything. Sometimes it can be dark humour, but whatever gets you by, eh? I spend a lot of time sharing laughs and I hope I help brighten the days of others the way they do mine. 
• I’ve learnt how to truly love and appreciate others. I generally hate to be alone and being around the right people can change my entire day.
• I’ve learnt I am strong in my own way. I’m not a quitter.
• I don’t care as much about that extra stone. My BMI is in the green zone, in grand sure ;) !
• I’ve seen how my body can heal if treated with respect and care.
• I might be terrified by heights, but I’m nowhere near as scared of spiders and other beasties as I used to be!
• I no longer get motion sickness. Brain surgery has stopped me throwing up on anything faster than a skateboard....who knew, right?? No more lay-by chucking up, no more hanging over the sides of boats.  I might even be able to travel by helicopter some time in the future...... without spending the entire (very expensive) trip filling up sick bags when I should’ve been looking at the Grand Canyon!! 

Cancer is hard. The treatment is possibly even harder. But it’s essential if you want to give yourself the best chance of winning. 

Stay healthy, stay strong. Look after yourself, physically and mentally. Don’t be an a-hole; wear a mask, socially distance; protect others even if you feel invincible yourself.

Living with.... xx