On the negative side:
- My feet. My poor feet. They’ve just never been the same again. I suspect the blame lies with the extreme and super fast steroid weight gain. I have old woman feet :( Recurring ingrown big toenails, hard skin, sporadic pains and random swelling. Thankfully no hairy toes so I’m not a complete hobbit just yet!!
- Tinnitus. Sometimes it’s like an airplane is coming in to land. Sometimes it’s a feeling of ‘fullness’. Sometimes it’s just a mild ache.
- Joint aches. Again I blame the fast steroid weight gain and lack of energy to exercise. Pain is particularly associated with places where I had previous injury...... the shoulder I had surgery on for a bone spur, my coccyx that I remain convinced I chipped after bouncing off an enamel toilet whilst passing out from heatstroke in Thailand. Other joints just aren’t as flexible as they used to be but this is gradually improving through time and effort. I won’t be doing squats anytime soon, but I can get myself up off the floor, with much effort and in a very undignified manner...... as was proven when I had to get onto the floor in my retired boss’s office to reboot the computer. There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you’re stuck sitting on the floor of a senior person’s office...... and there’s a window in the door that looks out into a busy corridor! I had to shout on his PS to come in to help me, but managed to get myself up as she stood ready to catch me if my jelly knees decided to give up!! As someone once told me when I slipped on ice many years ago, “Pride fairly get you up, girl!” True.
- Hormonal shifts. This isn’t really one for public consumption! Suffice to say my treatment (and probably my age) led to an early menopause that has not been a joyful experience!
- The apparent inability (or perhaps it’s motivation) to shift that last stone....
- Inability to deal with stressful situations. I am quick to tears and it’s not unusual to find me deep breathing my way through anxiety. Cancer, treatment or hormones?? Take your pick!!
- An insane fear of heights. I never liked them, but now I find myself frozen with fear on the balcony of the Ulster Hall, almost falling over whilst trying to avoid stairs that are 2 meters away, and almost crying when watching hubby get ‘too close’ to a cliff edge (again around 2 meters is too close!)
Whinge whinge, gurn gurn. Let’s look at the positives!
- I know who I can depend on. My inner circle is smaller than it used to be, but it’s tight. I know who genuinely cares and who I can rely upon.
- I don’t get drawn into negativity as often and, when I do, I’m quicker to pull myself out of it. I can forgive and forget more easily because I understand how detrimental to health bad feeling is. I can also walk away from people who I know are bad for my wellbeing.
- I’ve learnt to appreciate the small things more. The sea; how exhilarating it feels to swim in it, how good it feels to deeply breathe in the sea air, how calming the sound and sight of the waves are, how beautiful the landscape and wildlife of a beach are. The forest; how the air smells, how the trees and plants grow wild, how the birds sing, how the squirrels jump from tree to tree.
- I’ve learnt how to find humour in pretty much anything. Sometimes it can be dark humour, but whatever gets you by, eh? I spend a lot of time sharing laughs and I hope I help brighten the days of others the way they do mine.
- I’ve learnt how to truly love and appreciate others. I generally hate to be alone and being around the right people can change my entire day.
- I’ve learnt I am strong in my own way. I’m not a quitter.
- I don’t care as much about that extra stone. My BMI is in the green zone, in grand sure ;) !
- I’ve seen how my body can heal if treated with respect and care.
- I might be terrified by heights, but I’m nowhere near as scared of spiders and other beasties as I used to be!
- I no longer get motion sickness. Brain surgery has stopped me throwing up on anything faster than a skateboard....who knew, right?? No more lay-by chucking up, no more hanging over the sides of boats. I might even be able to travel by helicopter some time in the future...... without spending the entire (very expensive) trip filling up sick bags when I should’ve been looking at the Grand Canyon!!
Cancer is hard. The treatment is possibly even harder. But it’s essential if you want to give yourself the best chance of winning.
Stay healthy, stay strong. Look after yourself, physically and mentally. Don’t be an a-hole; wear a mask, socially distance; protect others even if you feel invincible yourself.
Living with.... xx
No comments:
Post a Comment