Spring is within reach!

After my last, fairly gloomy post, I thought it would be good to update with a brighter mood! 

As ever, January wasn’t a particularly joyous month for me. February hasn’t been a lot better to be truthful. Thankfully, with only today and tomorrow to go until we’re into March, and a huge improvement in the weather, I’m definitely starting to feel much more like myself again.

I’ve asked myself repeatedly why I get so miserable in January every year. Honestly I think it’s a big mixture of things. This year seems to have been something of a perfect storm….. in many ways literally, with three big storms in a row. 

First there was Dudley, then Eunice, and finally Franklyn. Each one brought changes in air pressure that my head just doesn’t like. Changes in barometric pressure are scientifically proven to cause swelling within the brain…… this can be very unpleasant for anyone who has had surgery/ injury/ experiences migraines etc. Importantly for me, storms also lead to large sea swells that have kept me out of the water. My happy place that’s so important to my emotional well being.

On top of that, my hormones remain somewhat unpredictable. They have been that way since my teenage years, but treatment induced early menopause has brought a whole new range of experiences. Thankfully I haven’t had the fits of rage some women describe…….I’m more likely to just want to hide and definitely haven’t been feeling very sociable.

Finally, January is a significant month because it’s the month I had my initial grand mal seizure and was diagnosed with my grade 3 brain tumour. It’s the month our lives changed forever so there’s probably a level of subconscious trauma attached.

Losing my dad in October didn’t help things this year. He was a huge part of our lives and we miss him.

I try really hard each year not to let it happen. Especially this year. January should have been a good month…… our 25th wedding anniversary, starting to move out of Covid restrictions. Not to mention more positive scan results…..although I didn’t get these in writing until February. Seriously though, how could I remain a bit glum when holding a letter that said

 “I am pleased to let you know that your repeat MRI scan done on 2 December remains very stable with no signs of disease recurrence. All looks quiet.”

Regardless, despite my best efforts, it remained a tough few months. 

As always, these things can’t last. As I look out into my back garden this bright Sunday morning, I can see a small clump of yellowy-orange crocuses that have started to bloom. They even held their own through last week’s snow! 

Spring is definitely winning the battle. I’ll be back sea dipping in no time, and we’ve got a few short trips coming up; Edinburgh in March, and over to the Netherlands to see our clever son who’s studying a Masters in The Hague, in April. We also have loads of rescheduled gigs to look forward to this year, not to mention more short breaks in Dublin, Cork, Manchester and Barcelona. 

We’re planning our annual music gig in aid of Macmillan Cancer Support and are hopeful of pushing our overall total raised to over £20,000 this year. With the removal of Covid restrictions, we’re also hoping to get our Riverbank Relatives Room in our local hospital officially opened. I’m really excited about that. It’s something that makes me so proud of how a group of decent people can come together and achieve something really special. 

Marching into Springtime, living with xx

Wintering

I’m starting to think hibernation is the only way forward. This year, we thought we’d done it……… we thought we’d made it through winter without me becoming unwell. No mean feat, let me tell you! 

But unfortunately it wasn’t to be. 

Mid January I started experiencing night sweats and palpitations. They began waking me up every night, leading to fatigue and a general feeling of being unwell. 

I tried to charge on through, but eventually it all came to a bit of a head when I woke up one morning, feeling like I had a strap pulled tight around my chest and ribs. It happened two mornings in a row and I was sent to A&E both days. 

What was going on? 

It became clear that my hormones were a bit off track. In fairness, they’ve always been a bit problematic, and cancer treatment pushed me into early menopause, which hasn’t been a joyful experience so far. HRT proved a disaster so I was back to square one.

Further blood tests also showed low sodium levels. Probably caused by drinking too much water!!  Not enough salt?? From drinking too much water?? That’s the ultimate cruelty. There’s me, trying to do everything within my power to keep myself as well as possible. Obeying all the rules…… plenty of water, healthy diet, no alcohol, no fizzy drinks, no processed foods. Only to discover I may have made myself worse. Unbelievable.

Low sodium symptoms appear to be somewhat similar to brain tumour symptoms…….. headaches, dizziness if you move too quick, waves of mild nausea, general fatigue.

On the advice of my GP, I started to rest up whilst limiting my fluid intake. 

I was starting to feel a little bit better and was hopeful of a return to work, when winter decided I hadn’t had things hard enough yet……. In came the stormy weather. 

Not everyone will understand (or believe) the impact changes in air pressure can have on those of us with brain injuries. I can assure you, it’s a thing. My sinuses and ears  get blocked up and I feel like there’s a vice being squeezed around my head or I’m being pushed down on from above by something very heavy. 

It’s painful, it’s exhausting, and it’s so frustrating. I want nothing more than to shake the butterflies out of my head, but I can’t. I get short periods of respite when the sun peaks out, but the weight settles back in as the dark clouds roll in again.

I can’t even get into the sea, because I haven’t been strong enough.  The swells have been too big anyway. Miserable? Absolutely. 

I’m now at the end of my second week off work and am hopeful for a return next week. My arms are black and blue from blood draws, although I can’t credit the nurses in my local A&E and GP surgery enough for their professionalism and the kindness they show me and my wee, thin veins.

What a miserable post! Time to turn things around…… what’s good?? 

The most obvious thing is that I’m now 5 years into my cancer journey, and I’m still here. It’s not without challenges, but I remain one of the lucky ones.

I remain supported by the best husband a girl could ever dream of.  Not to mention a wonderful sister and friends most people could only hope for. 

I have a job I enjoy, and am generally surrounded by understanding colleagues. I am still capable of performing my role to a high quality and I enjoy the structure and routine it provides me………. It’s even better nowadays due to the covid ‘work from home’ rules. I miss face to face contact with colleagues and friends, but the peace and quiet of working from home makes it easier to concentrate and is definitely working for me.

Finally, we’re now well into February. Spring is just round the corner. Covid is starting to run out of steam. There are gentle plans in the diary…… 

If I were a bit older, and had the financial means, I’d definitely consider wintering somewhere with better weather. But I remain grateful that, despite how I sometimes feel, I’m still relatively young and have plenty of life left to live.  Plus I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, whatever the weather.

Pass me the salt, bring out the sun, I’m coming back!!

Living with xx