Immovable objects

2019 is nearly over. It’s been a big year, full of fun and achievements. I’d never have believed I’d have been to a garden party at Buckingham Palace, got my official Arcadia Bathing Club membership certificate for a year of sea swims, gone to gigs galore, raised thousands of pounds and appeared in a promotional video for Macmillan, and got my driving license back within a year. 

It’s been a great year and thankfully I’ve maintained stable scan results throughout. Cancer and I continue to live together in harmony. I’m trying not to annoy it and it seems to be returning the favour. Emotionally and physically it’s not always easy, but I’m definitely stronger than I have been since that initial grand mal seizure in the early hours of 20 January 2017.

20 January 2017....... hard to believe, huh?? Almost 3 years. I remain the luckiest unlucky girl in the world. Sometimes the years flying by terrifies me...... sometimes I remember it’s one step closer to the day this beast in my head loses its temper again..... but then I remind myself to flip that thought around. Nobody has ever given me a timescale. Nobody knows. The years are there for the taking and I plan on continuing to fill my glass. I still believe it’s not impossible for me to be the one that beats the unbeatable. What is it they say about immovable objects and irresistible forces??..... 

Truthfully, I didn’t know the answer to that riddle. Science was never a strong subject for me. I just had a quick google and it seems the answer is nothing..... when an immovable force meets an irresistible object absolutely nothing happens. I’ll not try to explain why but will happily accept this as an outcome. I’ll keep being the immovable object to cancer’s irresistible force and things will stay as they are. If I’m really fortunate I might even become the immovable object that engulfs the irresistible force and stops it for good. Who knows?? 

What I do know is that I am stronger and happier. My life has changed but generally in good ways. 2020 looks set to continue in that positive vein...... there are lots of happy times on the horizon and I can’t wait to get stuck into another year of #livingwith...... 

Santa splashing with friends :)

I love Christmas! For so many reasons...... 

First I get time off work. I generally love my job, but every job brings challenges and it’s only healthy to get the odd decent break away from it!

Second I’ve had lots of recent get together with friends and family, and more to come.

Thirdly we get extra sea dips...... today was the Santa Splash. Conditions were perfect. I arrived down just on time but after flaffing about looking for my friend and then having the hassle of needing to pee at the last minute (swimsuit nightmare!) I ended up living up to my Santa hat........ “Princess”.......and was about the last person to enter the sea! Not that it mattered. My friend found me, and my other friend and her daughter were with me too. There were hundreds of people laughing in the sea. The wave height was perfect and it wasn’t even all that cold for December........ although one wave did hit my hat, causing the white bobble to flip forward and give me a wet slap in the face!! Sure that’s part of the fun of it.

Hubby had been dispatched to collect the Christmas food but my mate was an excellent back up support team! He helped his wife and I to maintain our dignity while manoeuvring (wriggling) our way into towels and Coucons*, out of swimsuits and into clothes. Hubby arrived just in time to take me home and we enjoyed hot cups of tea with our friends beside the Christmas tree. 

We’re now finishing off our evening watching Top Gun. Best. Husband. Ever!!

Tomorrow he has to work so it’ll be wrapping and housework for me. Then it’ll be Christmas Eve and our gorgeous son will be home for a few days. Perfect!

Enjoy Christmas everyone xxx

Happy Christmas to me!!

It’s been a big week! 

On Saturday I got my ‘entirely stable’ scan results. Woop woop!!

 On Tuesday Macmillan released a video I appeared in. It featured patients reading out thank you letters to their Macmillan nurses. It was a lovely, positive campaign and seems to have gone down well. The nurse I thanked, Terry, and I were both interviewed for the Belfast Telegraph. He described me ‘very special’ and said I’d ‘worked really hard to get her life back on track again and she’s a great inspiration.’ He’s very kind but I’ll admit it made me feel heart warmed to read such kind words from a man I deeply admire.

Then today........ I had it confirmed I could drive again!! After almost three years, I finally got behind the wheel again. It all happened so quickly! I had expected insurance to be a total pain but we walked into the local office of our car insurance company and I walked out insured. Hubby handed me the car keys and told me to drive us home.......

Thankfully driving is not like playing piano...... I used to play piano as a kid and got as far as my Grade 6. The problem was that my lesson was at 5pm on a Saturday evening every week. As a teenager I didn’t want to have to be home for piano lessons on Saturday evenings...... I wanted to go to my friends’ houses or go ice skating. Once I hit 15 I’d discovered rock music so I used the excuse of GCSE pressure to bow out of piano lessons (yeah, right...!!) By the time I wanted to play again, many years later, I was horrified to discover I’d forgotten how! I couldn’t read music anymore and didn’t have the patience to re-learn. So thank goodness driving is more like riding a bike..... you don’t forget! 

I have been fortunate. I have a wonderful husband and friends more than willing to ferry me about. I’m fit enough to get buses and trains and even sometimes walk home from work or town. Getting my license back is more about confidence. It feels like another big step forward. It further proves I’m going in the right direction. I’m getting stronger, despite cancer. 

So I’m stable, have done a wee bit more for Macmillan  and I’m mobile again! Happy happy Christmas to me......and to hubby..... I’ve no intention of ever drinking again so now I’m the taxi! Happy Christmas to us all! 

Living with xxx

The Waiting game

Waiting is something I’m genetically predisposed to do badly. My father can’t sit still and is always moving ‘with purpose’. It’s an apple that didn’t fall far from the tree.....But if there’s one thing cancer teaches you, it’s patience. If you didn’t learn how to wait then you’d drive yourself insane. 

I’ve definitely got better at it but I wouldn’t try to pretend I’ve completely mastered the art. Unsurprisingly I find it particularly challenging when waiting for life changing news. For the past few months I’ve been waiting for two such pieces of news....... 

The first is the return of my driving license. I applied to get it back months ago. I expect it to be fine as I’ve been seizure free for over a year and keep pretty well. I certainly don’t feel that I’d be unsafe behind the wheel.  But still I wait....... I’d been warned it takes a long time, but it’s getting really frustrating.

The second news I have been waiting for was scan results. I get MRI scans every 3 months or so, just to make sure my brain tumour is behaving itself. I’m not sure what happens if it starts to misbehave again..... probably not much unfortunately. I had my last scan on 6th November so it’s been a long month. Usually I get a letter from my Oncologist within a few weeks but this time was slow........

Every day I check the post expectantly and haven’t been able to help the sinking feeling of no news. Deep down I know that no news is usually good news...... if something was going wrong I’d hopefully hear sooner rather than later. But somehow that never seems to matter....... reason doesn’t really come into it. Particularly in the last two weeks I’ve found myself suffering a serious case of scanxiety. 

Yesterday hubby checked the post. He came in with a package, winked at me to let me know it was a Christmas present, and then casually handed me a letter.  I immediately saw the Hospital crest on the envelope and felt my heart start to pound....... 

I opened the letter and gave a shriek of joy as I read the words “........ remains entirely stable.” I literally jumped up and down, flapping the letter about! Hubby smiled and told me he’d never doubted it. I hadn’t really either, but it’s impossible to completely escape the shadow that cancer casts over you.  As he wrapped me into his arms, the tears started to flow. Relief poured out of me in rivers down my face and I was so glad he was there to hold me while I absorbed this huge and exciting news........ I think if I’d been alone I’d have been out shouting in the cul de sac!! We celebrated by doing the supermarket shop (life goes on!) but then went for a lovely lunch and had a relatively quiet afternoon. 

The weather has been awful, with another storm overhead today, so my head has been very sore. Last night we went out to watch Cormac Neeson and the Unholy Gospel Band......wow! Perfect choice! I’ll admit I wasn’t completely sold on going. You know what it’s like..... you decide to do something but then the time comes and you’re tired and can’t really be bothered...... that’s how I felt yesterday evening. It was cold and raining and I wanted to curl up on the sofa, not head out on a 35 mile drive to the venue. I’m glad I decided to go. It was a superb night’s music and it gave me a second wind as I went back to buzzing over my good news! I came home absolutely frozen and took ages to get to sleep, but when I did pass out I slept like a log. 

I’ve woken up deaf in one ear (despite ear plugs), but this is probably more due to the weather. I am looking out of my window at pouring rain and listening to the wind whipping around the house. I was supposed to be doing the ‘Polar Plunge’ today in aid of the Special Olympics but have known for much of the week that the forecast was awful. The surf report was just red triangles with exclamation marks in them for the whole day...... I’ve never seen that before but could only assume it was bad!! I consulted a friend who’s husband is a surfer and the response came back ‘Aye, he says we’re f**ked!!’ 

As a result, I get to spend today on the sofa. Thank goodness for that. I’ve paid my registration fee so there’s still money going to the charity, but I don’t have to brave pouring rain, freezing cold and 5 meter high waves! Win win! 

It’s a good day to be stable ;) 

Living with xx