I’ve definitely got better at it but I wouldn’t try to pretend I’ve completely mastered the art. Unsurprisingly I find it particularly challenging when waiting for life changing news. For the past few months I’ve been waiting for two such pieces of news.......
The first is the return of my driving license. I applied to get it back months ago. I expect it to be fine as I’ve been seizure free for over a year and keep pretty well. I certainly don’t feel that I’d be unsafe behind the wheel. But still I wait....... I’d been warned it takes a long time, but it’s getting really frustrating.
The second news I have been waiting for was scan results. I get MRI scans every 3 months or so, just to make sure my brain tumour is behaving itself. I’m not sure what happens if it starts to misbehave again..... probably not much unfortunately. I had my last scan on 6th November so it’s been a long month. Usually I get a letter from my Oncologist within a few weeks but this time was slow........
Every day I check the post expectantly and haven’t been able to help the sinking feeling of no news. Deep down I know that no news is usually good news...... if something was going wrong I’d hopefully hear sooner rather than later. But somehow that never seems to matter....... reason doesn’t really come into it. Particularly in the last two weeks I’ve found myself suffering a serious case of scanxiety.
Yesterday hubby checked the post. He came in with a package, winked at me to let me know it was a Christmas present, and then casually handed me a letter. I immediately saw the Hospital crest on the envelope and felt my heart start to pound.......
I opened the letter and gave a shriek of joy as I read the words “........ remains entirely stable.” I literally jumped up and down, flapping the letter about! Hubby smiled and told me he’d never doubted it. I hadn’t really either, but it’s impossible to completely escape the shadow that cancer casts over you. As he wrapped me into his arms, the tears started to flow. Relief poured out of me in rivers down my face and I was so glad he was there to hold me while I absorbed this huge and exciting news........ I think if I’d been alone I’d have been out shouting in the cul de sac!! We celebrated by doing the supermarket shop (life goes on!) but then went for a lovely lunch and had a relatively quiet afternoon.
The weather has been awful, with another storm overhead today, so my head has been very sore. Last night we went out to watch Cormac Neeson and the Unholy Gospel Band......wow! Perfect choice! I’ll admit I wasn’t completely sold on going. You know what it’s like..... you decide to do something but then the time comes and you’re tired and can’t really be bothered...... that’s how I felt yesterday evening. It was cold and raining and I wanted to curl up on the sofa, not head out on a 35 mile drive to the venue. I’m glad I decided to go. It was a superb night’s music and it gave me a second wind as I went back to buzzing over my good news! I came home absolutely frozen and took ages to get to sleep, but when I did pass out I slept like a log.
I’ve woken up deaf in one ear (despite ear plugs), but this is probably more due to the weather. I am looking out of my window at pouring rain and listening to the wind whipping around the house. I was supposed to be doing the ‘Polar Plunge’ today in aid of the Special Olympics but have known for much of the week that the forecast was awful. The surf report was just red triangles with exclamation marks in them for the whole day...... I’ve never seen that before but could only assume it was bad!! I consulted a friend who’s husband is a surfer and the response came back ‘Aye, he says we’re f**ked!!’
As a result, I get to spend today on the sofa. Thank goodness for that. I’ve paid my registration fee so there’s still money going to the charity, but I don’t have to brave pouring rain, freezing cold and 5 meter high waves! Win win!
It’s a good day to be stable ;)
Living with xx
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