Truthfully I’ve been disappointed at the ‘routine’ of some aspects of our cancer care system. It can feel a bit like you’re being thrown around. A bit like a lab rat who gets thrown to the next person as each bit is done. There are wonderful individuals along the way, but often it’s very obvious you’re one of many and that they’re busy.
I guess that’s the hard facts. I am one of many and the Health Service, like most public services, is at breaking point. There’s no time to sit down with a patient and explain things in detail, whilst simultaneously holding their hand. There’s often no time to even sit down with them. If you want scans or appointments with GPs or consultants, you have to navigate the system. And you have to wait. That can be difficult when you’re not at your best. It can get frustrating. I like structure. I like strategic plans. Like Prisoner (which I don’t remember because I’m too young, but know of due to its cult status...) I don’t like feeling like a number. Nobody does. The lack of clarity and what I can’t describe with any word other than ‘kindness’ over my chemo being stopped, made it harder for me to take in. I’m sure there was information given that my sister and I just couldn’t take in. We were still in shock from being told chemo was stopping. So I’ve been a bit glum...... a bit crabbit....... a bit anxious. Thankfully, as ever, family and friends are rallying round. Sometimes I’ve had to give myself a bit of a kick, but I’ve made sure I’m up and out or seeing people. I can understand how easy it’d be to wallow...... mud, glorious mud......nothing quite like it (maybe I should’ve stayed in it a bit longer and properly cooled my blood before I made a few phone calls this week....)
Would you believe that as I wrote the above, my husband walked in with yesterday’s post? (We have a box on the wall and I never remember to check it! My postie is fantastic and always knocks the door to try and hand it to me, particularly if he sees hospital letters. We were out yesterday so it went into the box). So I opened the post today to find out my scan is on Wednesday! Something I pushed for being done quickly, is being done quickly.
So now of course I’m completely terrified! Which is pretty stupid, even for me. There’s nothing we can do about what it says. Sing it with me.....”What’s the use in worrying? It never was worthwhile SO.....” If only it were that easy.... but I’ve got a sneaky Monday night away ahead with a good and funny friend, to make me laugh and to relax. Then I have a scan and can hope for a quick Consultant meeting and results. After that we deal with whatever we get told. Exactly as we’ve been doing all year. With love and laughter to push down any fear that tries to creep in. Or with sheer delight at being the human equivalent of the Virgin Mary picture on the side of a grilled cheese sandwich!! I’ll happily settle for the girl living a normal life with the much reduced in size brain tumour. Like others do. That was aim and everything to date had pointed to that as the outcome. Pack up your troubles......
What is absolutely sure is that I’m still here..... I can roll over, or I can get on with enjoying things. The scan won’t hurt me. I need to establish what life’s going to be like. Honestly, while I’m keen to work again and have a clearer daily purpose, I’ve also no intention of stopping hugging trees and enjoying simple acts of kindness (hopefully both giving and receiving). On Thursday I had lunch with some of my dearest friends, alongside my best friend from childhood. Yesterday I visited a ‘new’ friend who went to a market to buy chickens and came home having bought a donkey called Hectar!! What a wonderful life!! Xxx
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