Take my hand.....

I’m not quite a stranger in paradise....... more like a stranger in hell im afraid..... Last week wiped me a bit. I hadn’t blogged about it, but prior to my ‘no more chemo’ news, my husband, sister and her partner had booked to go away on the Saturday night. Just a local break, but one we were looking forward to. Unfortunately earlier in the day a family member took a tumble and ended up in hospital after head butting a road.....  Thankfully no major damage, but a few nights in hospital to be sure.

So we’d had to cancel a planned treat, were worried about someone we love, and then had the added bonus of pre chemo stress...... to be topped off by the ‘no more chemo’ news. I can write as much as I like about feeling relieved and knowing it was the best thing, but the truth was I wasn’t feeling relaxed! All my usual family and friend steadies rushed in, instinctively knowing I might be struggling with so much going on....... my sister bumped her flight, my hubby took a few days off work, friends rang, called round and messaged. The Midnight Bark put into action again, and my faithful friends making sure they knew they were there. As they always have been.

By the weekend I was starting to feel a bit less anxious. I was starting to believe my own words of reassurance. Then I went to a charity coffee morning, being hosted locally by a lady who’s husband has a brain tumour. 

As I found myself in a room with him and another lady also in our position, I started to feel myself relax. What had felt to me like the ‘failure’ of not completing six chemo cycles became a normality.  The tiredness, forgetfulness and frustration became a shared concern, and things we could laugh about together as fellow experiencers (I don’t like the word ‘suffer’... you have to allow suffering.....). Suddenly I was being told it’s normal not to finish the chemo course and often has minimal impact on outcome.... I guess they can’t tell you this at the start because it’d give people an ‘easy out’...... I’m glad I didn’t know at the beginning, but I wish they’d told me when delivering the news that my chemo was being stopped. 

I walked out of that house like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I’m not a failure for not finishing the planned six cycles of chemo. It may end up making little difference in the long run. Others have the same ‘oddities’ as me and it’s ok. We’re all here. We’re all functioning well. We’re all learning to live with it........ A local support group is being set up, which will be a great way to get to know others in a similar situation. 

Take my hand. You’re not a stranger in paradise, but you’re not alone. Others know how you feel. Yet more to bolt into the support cage! Xxx