Get to the point!!

I just saw the Facebook status of a friend in which he summed up his year beautifully in a paragraph. I was an Analyat for goodness sake (he’s a drummer), it should never have taken me 2 pages to meander through an often crap year!! I will take my lead from my friend......

2017....... discovered brain tumour and spent year fighting it. Made lots of new friends and got lots of time with existing ones and with family. Discovered my son is as clever as he always told me he was and proudly saw him off touniversity in the middle of everything. A terrible year, tinged with fabulosity! 

That’s much better!! Xxx

For the presents I haven’t acknowledged

Nobody uses gift tags anymore!! I was a good girl and kept my presents for Christmas Day. I got totally muddled with the ‘which from who’ but thank you xxxxx

2017...... Don’t let the door hit you......

2017. Don’t let the door hit you on your way out. 

And yet......... a year that has shown me the worst nightmares has also unveiled some of the best people and taught me to appreciate things more.

I’ll start with the bad, so it’s out of the way. Then I’ll happily move to the good.

The bad in 2017? This pesky brain tumour. Where on earth did you come from?? Like a cartoon villain you snuck up behind me and hit me on the head with a supersized mallet!! You stopped me in my tracks. In the first month of the year. I’m not sure if more pre warning would be better or worse now. Would it be better to suspect you’re going to be hit and spend time checking around every corner? Probably best to just get hit from out of nowhere. Had I sought help for my headaches and not had the seizure, the reality is that I’d still be on a waiting list for Neurology, or for a scan at best. A great big seizure will bypass that wait...... on the downside, that route in is also terrifying for you and those around you, and may leave some trauma....... 2017 brought me option 2 but I have to advise if you’re having headaches and the odd unexplained hand tremor then you should definitely speed to your GP and get on that waiting list. The trick then is not thinking about it again because you’ll have a very long wait.........partially because idiots like me are rudely jumping the queue. Sorry about that. When asked why I didn’t go to a doctor, particularly when the odd tremor started in my left hand, my honest answer is that I knew it might be serious. I was worried it could be MS, so I very sensibly ignored it! Nobody wants to be given that news........ far better to ignore it, surely?? Erm......

So regarding the whole brain tumour thing, 2017 has been awful. Terrifying, tiring  and confusing. And often just plain sore!! A year of treatment that could never remove it completely. People say all sorts of things about cancer treatment. The internet is full of horror and conspiracy. I certainly can’t say it’s been an enjoyable time, but I put my trust in people who have studied and researched , and I committed to doing what they told me to do. There have been a few ‘stand off’ situations, but ultimately I’m not arrogant enough to believe I know better than them. I’ve always been annoyingly questioning........ and rarely short of opinion...... which I’ll happily give you if asked....... and sometimes even if not asked!!

So that’s the bad of 2017. I was diagnosed with a brain tumour;

-  Two brain surgeries...... I always have to add in that one was awake, because I think that adds an extra level of toughness!

- 30 radiotherapy treatments ...... the social aspect of which I really quite enjoyed! Lots of new friends made and lots of laughs had. 

- 2 chemotherapy sessions........ not so much fun, but honestly more the mental torture rather than the treatment itself. 

So let’s reflect on the good of 2017!

Guess what?? Hello! Still here! It’s true that I’ve felt better physically...... and I can sometimes surprise myself with an emotional fragility I wasn’t really previously aware of, but I’m very much alive and kicking. 

No damage. #stillnotstupid Still very capable of getting a Pointless answer. Equally capable of taking a load of unwashed clothes from the washing machine and putting into the tumble dryer (and turning it on).......... So just the same! I recently found the letter from after the psychologist from post surgery testing.... my weak points are flexibility (always was and still true) and decision making (I hate to tell you, but sometimes I really don’t care and don’t have a strong opinion about what you’re asking me!)  Which can only be a good thing, surely? So if I feel strongly about something there’s no bending me, but otherwise I’m fairly laid back.  My Myers Brigg sresult remains unchanged too. Nothing has changed since March then! I’m getting better at being laid back though..... Honestly I think I always suffered a bit of anxiety but would’ve covered it. I’m getting better at recognising and facing it now. For me, the best ways are meditation, breathing and nature.. I was always a big reader and a walker.  I’ll never be a painter........ that has now been properly established!! Bizarrely, I am now up to 42,000 hits on this blog though......  

2017 has revealed some amazing stars to me! Some I was already aware of, others were dulled by cloud but have been revealed now, yet more I just hadn’t seen because I wasn’t looking in the right part of the sky. My shining stars. The ones who have made sure the path is lit. My family and friends. The people I love.

If it weren’t for being unwell, 2017 would’ve been one of the best times of my life in terms of the people I’ve spent time with and the fun I’ve had.  Now I get to take all the lessons learned and friends revealed into 2018!

So come on 2018, I have list of people that should get a break!  And then there’s that other thing..........is it gone yet?? 

Happy New Year Xxx

The best presents

Written on Christmas Day, but strictly embargoed until engagement news announced to all who need to know!

Christmas just kind of snuck up...... I’d managed to sort a few presents, but hadn’t done terribly well. As far as my husband and son go, I rarely get it right anyway! Apart from this year it seems!...... nothing flash, just a fleece and a dvd each so they’d have something to open this morning. I almost always get the ‘under tree’ gifts wrong.  Hubby tends to pick his own now and we sort my son out through “Do you fancy buying me / paying for me to......?” type bargaining. Better than spending money on things people don’t want (which was always the stuff I’d picked!!) This year The girl done good and I was delighted when both genuinely liked their gifts!  I was spoilt....... which seems unfair as I’ve been being spoilt for the past 11 months...... 

In amongst the wonderful goodies was a paint set. So many people have suggested I try it, but I always felt it wasn’t for me. More recently I realised that my mother and sister was/is arty, and a friend had said I should try it and see what happens. What was even nicer was that hubby had taken time and spoken to the guy in the art shop in order to make sure he got the right set for a total novice. I can’t imagine what’s going to come out of those brushes, but I’m quite curious to see! I go in with zero expectations, so I can’t let myself down!

One friend gave me the most thoughtful package she’d made up. I’m ashamed to admit I’d thrust her gift at her just after I’d said “I’ll at least take the half price sticker off it before I give you it, but I’m not wrapping!” What a friend! She knows I’d go to the end of the world for her though. And back again. I might just need her arm to link in with....!!

Other gifts were beautiful and appreciated, however it seems no-one uses gift tags these days so I’ve already thanked people for gifts they didn’t give me........ and have little doubt I’ll not acknowledge people.

I don’t need gifts anyway. Their time and friendship has been more than enough.

A quiet Christmas Day, but then I got a phone call.......... my sister got engaged!! She was widowed at a young age due to her husband having motor neurone disease, and it was so good to see her settled with a good bloke after all she’d been through. Her (now) fiancé is very loved by my family, and also by her former husbands family (who have always stayed part of ours). Equally, his family have welcomed her (and us) into their fold. Proof that families don’t always have to conform to the traditional.  News of the engagement resulted in my complete inability to stop crying..... good tears....... In my defence, I was watching Love Actually when she rang so I was already fragile....!! I’m matron of honour, so there’ll be no mucking about with being unwell. I take this one seriously....... though I may need to go for empire line due to my ever changing weight! 

Someone committed to looking out for my sister, as she continues to selflessly look out for me. Seems fair. 

Merry Christmas Xxx

Ho ho ho

It’s been a few weeks..... simply because I haven’t had much to say....... a good thing, surely?? Finding our new ‘normal’?  A world that doesn’t spin entirely around me...... granted, still a wee bit, but not as much.....maybe....... part of the reason for no blogging has been a lack of time due to all the visitors! It’s lovely to have so many people calling to say hi or inviting me out for a cuppa and a catch up. The most valuable gift you can give - time. Always in short supply, but the best gift you could receive.

As usual, I often find myself amazed by the good people all around me...... friends who are happy to help me get things done, or to make me laugh and remind me I’m still me. I still get the odd message or card that stops me in my tracks too...... usually someone who’s just written down exactly what’s in their head at that time. Honest outpourings of any nature (Apart from mean........ that’s an honest outpouring to be kept to yourself thanks!! Thankfully I don’t seem to know too many meanies!) 

I’ve been trying to stay away from my phone more too.  I usually enforce my ‘tech curfew’ sometime after 8pm....... flight mode on, no notifications or messages to be tempted by until the morning! It’s been days of ‘stuff’...... pottering, visitors, appointments. You’d think I’d have managed to sort out Christmas presents wouldn’t you? In my defence, I can’t drive now and am often a bit off kilter so need assistance for trips into town! 

It just kind of crept up on me....... especially now I’m back at work! Yep, delighted I didn’t hit a year. I can’t currently do what I was doing this time last year, but at some point I had to start testing myself..... I’ve said it many times, but it’s not as if I’ve been lying in bed, watching Jeremy Kyle! I’ve stayed mentally and physically active most days. It’s time to channel that a bit, while also ensuring I don’t let people down through overcommitment, or set myself back. Gently as we go....... In the new year I’ll be able to properly get some structure back to my day, and start to see what my limitations might be. So far I’ve found there’s little I can’t still do if I concentrate....... my two biggest enemies are tiredness and distraction. Nothing new with the latter.... ‘oooo, shiny’!! 

With the help of a friend today, I managed to at least get a Christmas dinner! Plus a couple of wee things for the boys......... though one of them is likely to find a copy of Wind in the Willows wrapped up with one of their gifts........... it was in the bag, I was wrapping stuff, I’ve no idea what happened in between times but I haven’t managed to locate the book.... It’ll turn up at some stage and we’ll no doubt laugh at its location! 

Scan discussion on 18th Jan, but in the meantime I’m doing what they told ms to do and not worrying because they ‘look good’. Naturally I’m impatient, but I’m pretty good at ignoring things so I’m just doing that!! Happy Christmas xxx

You’re in charge of Christmas....

I’ve had no energy for Christmas this year. I know that’s wrong and am trying not to be a total Grinch. I’m not depressed or refusing to leave bed, I’m just tired after a very big year, and the thought of lifting out a dirty, dusty tree didn’t hold much appeal to me. I don’t like a big fuss all round the house as it’s just more to clean around, but was always faithful about putting up the tree.  I’m sure our tree is close to the age of our marriage (20 years)............. purchased in Woolworths, all the labels have come off the branches so it’s very much a ‘hit and miss’ creation anyway!  

I half heartedly looked at a few new ones with hubby, but I really wasn’t particularly interested. I dithered a bit more. In the end up I uttered the words he needed to hear “you’re in charge of Christmas!” 

On Saturday I took myself away for yet another ‘treat night’. The treat is really only for me....... my friends just get an incredibly boring night. They’ve all said it’s lovely for them to get a night away and complete relaxation, but I fear it’s not much fun to be in bed by 7pm and asleep by 8.30pm, after a good read of course! This time I surpassed myself.......... I woke up in what I believed to be morning....... sat up, light on, followed by the genuine observation “I’m trying to work out why my phone is stuck on half two. I think it’s frozen.” I even rebooted it.  There was some noise outside the room, with someone banging on a neighbouring door with a yell of “Its room service. Your ballcock is broken!” 

Then I realised. I looked at my friend “oh god, is it half two in the morning??” She laughed and told me it was! There was no hint of annoyance. Not even when I then had to get up to go to the loo! She didn’t sigh or tut, she just accepted I hadn’t done it on purpose and saw the humour. She even gently ensured I got up to take tablets at 7am, after I hit the snooze button. I share beds with the best people!!

On return home, I discovered my husband had ‘done Christmas’. The house had been cleaned, there was a new tree up and a few other unfussy items around the house. Nothing over the top, but Christmas has arrived in our house. Now all I need to do is buy a few presents!

Unfortunately I brought a nasty cold home with me. I also have an infection in a partially erupted wisdom tooth (just not quite wise enough yet it seems). This afternoon I took to my bed for a few hours. My new bed! It arrived yesterday morning. It’s so tall I wasn’t sure if I’d need a stepladder. I couldn’t feel any pea earlier but I certainly feel like a princess! 

I even enjoyed a lovely phone call from Glasgow from  my son and his friend. What better call to receive??

I’m rotten with a cold, I’m tired, but I have wonderful friends and family, and a  no fuss Christmassy house! Next weekend I’m away again, to my Wind in the Willows Live  haven! My sister and her partner will be with us, as we get to admire the beautiful scenery and spend the quality time together that we rarely would’ve made time for prior to my diagnosis. 

I can’t wait to see the view in a different season. Hoping the ice and snow stay away, but confident we’ll be toasty warm Xxx

Oh why are we harking...??

Once upon a time a life changed. 

I used to get excited about going to gigs and having big nights out. Now I’m excited by quiet ‘treat nights’ with friends, hair cuts and Carol Services...... but that’s ok! I’m loving my treat nights away with friends and family. Just relaxed time together, all giving me things to look forward to.....

Yesterday I had planned a ‘pixie for Christmas’. After months of headscarves, I reckoned the time had come...... the hair had to go! Unfortunately it’s just not long enough yet. 

My hair loss was largely due to radio to the head. It appeared like male pattern baldness...... a relatively quickly receding hairline. I took to covering the dodgy bit with thick width headbands/scarves and hats when needed. Gradually the bit round the front is growing back. Similar to what The Script say about a heartbreak, it seems that when a “[hairline grows back], no it don’t [grow] even.”  the front and top grew fast, giving me a spiky effect. The left hand side grew quick too..... starting as an undercut type look. The right (surgery) side took longer but had finally started to catch up with the left. So the decision was made. Get it all evened out, short. A pixie for Christmas!

Unfortunately we’re not there yet. The top needs to be longer to get any sort of shape, so I’m stuck with the pirate/Amish look for a wee while yet! 

Not to be disappointed, I went home and performed a very quick turnaround...... changed, fed and ready to attend a carol service. In very Pride and Prejudice style, one of my bosses called to my house and escorted me to the service.  Less traditionally, my husband saw me off at the car, shaking the hand of my gentleman escort, and giving me a kiss before telling us to have a good time.  Isn’t it nice when people can just be mature and secure? 

The service was lovely. Attended by lots of faces I haven’t seen for a while...... some of whom even sang in a choir! An absolute delight. Long enough to make it feel good to have attended, short enough to not drag things out. 

I haven’t been in a church in a while. This became shamefully apparent to me when the processional choir began to walk in, the organist blasted into the first few bars of “Oh Come All ye Faithful”, and I looked round to find the joker about to break into “Oh Why Are We Waiting?” I genuinely thought that’s what they were about to start singing!! I thought they’d added a wee bit of humour in for the attendees...... Why on earth would I think that??? Worse still, I had given the man with me a quizzical look when it started and so was quite sure that he knew what I’d been thinking! It was all I could do to keep the laughter in.... I managed it though. It was made easier by the horrifying noise of my alarm, just as the minister welcomed us........ no of course I can’t find my phone in my bag, sure where’d be the fun in that??......followijg thd ‘did I just swear?’ moment, I found the phone and turned off the alarm for my 7pm anti seizure medication...... that I hadn’t taken with me......... I’ve often wondered what’d happen if you delayed doses....... well, it seems 2.5 hours late is fine! 

Afterwards it was off for a nice cuppa in a local church hall, catching up with people and also (as ever) chatting to a few new!

A carol service. Not a fancy event. A few hours.  Why did it make me feel so good?? A few reasons. I put on a skirt, heels (that was a mistake....), and a tiny bit of make up for the first time in 10 months! I was collected from my house by someone I trust and who’s company I enjoy. Both hubby and I were relaxed in knowing I would be safe, but I also got the fun of having my door opened for me. I felt like a princess, in the traditional, fairytale sense of the expression!! At one stage, when my legs had decided Keep Fit and heels on the same day was too much, I had a gentleman on each arm....... I resisted the urges for a swingsy, but it wasn’t easy........!!

Last night I wasn’t the poor wee sick girl. I was the girl who’d made the tiniest bit of effort.  I was the independent girl going out with work colleagues.  Yet also the girl who was safe and secure at all times. Being challenged but, as always, with a little help from my friends...... 

Once upon a time..... 

And then she knew she’d get the independent side of her life back and live happily ever after with her family and friends all around her. 

Very far from The End

Xxx

Winning the battle......

There’s still a war, I know that, but it seems this battle goes to Team Trish! Earlier, I received a phone call to tell me that my scan had been looked at and it ‘looks good’! My consultant appointment won’t be until later in January so she asked I be phoned to ensure I’m not worrying unnecessarily over Christmas. 

I’m pretty certain now that my Consultant was never the bitch I thought she was. In fact, I’m starting to think I’m the bitch for putting more pressure onto people just trying to do their jobs under awful financial restraints. We need to stop blaming the people, and start blaming the systems. The lack of finances, the lack of even knowing what the meagre budget will be, the shortage of nurses etc etc etc 

More importantly, for me, not blaming anyone or thing and just getting on with the important stuff! Like any disagreement, there comes a time when you realise the reasons don’t matter and the more important thing is whether that person should be in your life. My oncologist needs to be in my life. She’s an expert. And it seems I should be glad she is......  Instead of grumbling about her manner, I’d do better to thank her for helping save my life. 

We’ve had the best news we could’ve had! I don’t know the details yet, but I believe ‘looks good’ means the treatment has done what was wanted and expected. It’ll still be there, but under control. I’m assuming if there had actually been a miracle and it was gone that she’d have come and told me.......or that there’d be journalists camped outside my door!  I’m off to make a grilled cheese sandwich just in case I’ve missed a sign, but I’m pretty sure we’re celebrating the end of treatment and a gaining of some control. I don’t need a miracle, I’ve got everything I need already in family and friends. If this thing is tamed, and I can get back to work and back to my life, then thats miracle enough for me..... I get to keep all the wonderful new friends  and lessons I found along the way too, right?? 

Honestly, of course I want it gone but I don’t really care about having to live with a bit of it. I have done for years, I just didn’t know it!! It’s a much better prospect than some of the scenarios I was offered at the start. I’m s bit worried about being too happy. I don’t want to skud myself again. But I have to take the positives when I get them. The war is far from over, but I feel like I can now really see how the treatment and stress and heartache were for a reason. I feel like I haven’t let anyone down and they haven’t let me down. My cage has kept me protected for another while.

The specialist says it looks good and I should relax and enjoy Christmas. I’ll take that!! Xxx