And yet......... a year that has shown me the worst nightmares has also unveiled some of the best people and taught me to appreciate things more.
I’ll start with the bad, so it’s out of the way. Then I’ll happily move to the good.
The bad in 2017? This pesky brain tumour. Where on earth did you come from?? Like a cartoon villain you snuck up behind me and hit me on the head with a supersized mallet!! You stopped me in my tracks. In the first month of the year. I’m not sure if more pre warning would be better or worse now. Would it be better to suspect you’re going to be hit and spend time checking around every corner? Probably best to just get hit from out of nowhere. Had I sought help for my headaches and not had the seizure, the reality is that I’d still be on a waiting list for Neurology, or for a scan at best. A great big seizure will bypass that wait...... on the downside, that route in is also terrifying for you and those around you, and may leave some trauma....... 2017 brought me option 2 but I have to advise if you’re having headaches and the odd unexplained hand tremor then you should definitely speed to your GP and get on that waiting list. The trick then is not thinking about it again because you’ll have a very long wait.........partially because idiots like me are rudely jumping the queue. Sorry about that. When asked why I didn’t go to a doctor, particularly when the odd tremor started in my left hand, my honest answer is that I knew it might be serious. I was worried it could be MS, so I very sensibly ignored it! Nobody wants to be given that news........ far better to ignore it, surely?? Erm......
So regarding the whole brain tumour thing, 2017 has been awful. Terrifying, tiring and confusing. And often just plain sore!! A year of treatment that could never remove it completely. People say all sorts of things about cancer treatment. The internet is full of horror and conspiracy. I certainly can’t say it’s been an enjoyable time, but I put my trust in people who have studied and researched , and I committed to doing what they told me to do. There have been a few ‘stand off’ situations, but ultimately I’m not arrogant enough to believe I know better than them. I’ve always been annoyingly questioning........ and rarely short of opinion...... which I’ll happily give you if asked....... and sometimes even if not asked!!
So that’s the bad of 2017. I was diagnosed with a brain tumour;
- Two brain surgeries...... I always have to add in that one was awake, because I think that adds an extra level of toughness!
- 30 radiotherapy treatments ...... the social aspect of which I really quite enjoyed! Lots of new friends made and lots of laughs had.
- 2 chemotherapy sessions........ not so much fun, but honestly more the mental torture rather than the treatment itself.
So let’s reflect on the good of 2017!
Guess what?? Hello! Still here! It’s true that I’ve felt better physically...... and I can sometimes surprise myself with an emotional fragility I wasn’t really previously aware of, but I’m very much alive and kicking.
No damage. #stillnotstupid Still very capable of getting a Pointless answer. Equally capable of taking a load of unwashed clothes from the washing machine and putting into the tumble dryer (and turning it on).......... So just the same! I recently found the letter from after the psychologist from post surgery testing.... my weak points are flexibility (always was and still true) and decision making (I hate to tell you, but sometimes I really don’t care and don’t have a strong opinion about what you’re asking me!) Which can only be a good thing, surely? So if I feel strongly about something there’s no bending me, but otherwise I’m fairly laid back. My Myers Brigg sresult remains unchanged too. Nothing has changed since March then! I’m getting better at being laid back though..... Honestly I think I always suffered a bit of anxiety but would’ve covered it. I’m getting better at recognising and facing it now. For me, the best ways are meditation, breathing and nature.. I was always a big reader and a walker. I’ll never be a painter........ that has now been properly established!! Bizarrely, I am now up to 42,000 hits on this blog though......
2017 has revealed some amazing stars to me! Some I was already aware of, others were dulled by cloud but have been revealed now, yet more I just hadn’t seen because I wasn’t looking in the right part of the sky. My shining stars. The ones who have made sure the path is lit. My family and friends. The people I love.
If it weren’t for being unwell, 2017 would’ve been one of the best times of my life in terms of the people I’ve spent time with and the fun I’ve had. Now I get to take all the lessons learned and friends revealed into 2018!
So come on 2018, I have list of people that should get a break! And then there’s that other thing..........is it gone yet??
Happy New Year Xxx
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