Having a brain tumour has undoubtedly led to some changes in my personality. Not in a bad way, I don’t think. And maybe it’s not changes, so much as an emphasis..... I pay more attention to people, I laugh more, I enjoy life more..... I hope I always did those things, but now I do it with very little care for what others think or say about it.
Sometimes I think it’s because of the tumour. Sometimes I think it’s because of the drugs. Mostly I think it’s because of the life shock and the wake up call I’ve been given. I can be very spontaneous and sometimes it can all feel a bit surreal.
I’ve found that, whilst my short term memory can be a little ‘off’ at times, I regularly get back memories from a very young age. This has often been a comfort to me, but can be odd too. It’s a bit weird to suddenly remember being read ‘Wind in the Willows’ at under 5 years old and then read it at 42 years old and fall in love with it all over again.
I also find it fascinating how my relationships have changed and grown since my diagnosis. In particular I notice myself instantly drawn to people in sometimes really strong ways.
Today I had a conversation with a stranger that led to me unlocking a childhood memory..... simply because it got me thinking about talking to strangers. I’ll tell the story of today first, and then the story of the unlocked memory....
This morning we went to the supermarket. A necessary evil. The fridge was looking a bit bare and I’m trying to eat healthily, particularly now that I’m nearly off the steroids. There’s “puppy fat” to be lost! When there I found myself standing beside an older man. I felt instantly drawn to him and had a brief conversation about crackers. Does anyone actually know whether it’s better to eat them than brown bread??!! I’m totally confused and suspect the ‘healthy options’ being advertised are often pure lies. Sometimes I think I’d be better with a Snickers than a ‘healthy’ random grain and fruit based bar. Anyway, we spoke briefly and moved on. But I had a feeling about him..... I wanted to talk to him more. I bumped into him again the next aisle up. We started to chat again (as my poor hubby tried desperately to take over the shopping I’d more or less forgotten about doing!)
So who was this random man? And what did I gain from talking to him? Well, I kid you not. It turned out that Norman is a London based former prison officer who likes to visit the North Coast for a few months every summer. He’s in his 80s and holds an Imperial Service Medal that he was awarded at Buckingham Palace. He told me all about it and how much he’d enjoyed his day there meeting Princess Margaret. He has been living with a brain tumour for 11 years and now walks between 4 and 10 miles per day. He does charity work and believes positivity can save your life. My day was genuinely enriched by meeting and talking to Norman. I hope I did the same for him. It’s experiences like this that start me wondering about life’s great plans for us. I’m still not sure about the ‘one higher being’ thing, but it’s difficult not to believe things are mapped out in some way.....
I’ve never had a problem talking to strangers. I can now clearly remember having to write ‘What I did at the weekend’ for school when I was still living in Scotland (so, under 7 years old). I wrote about how I had fallen off my bike and been helped by a man who’d taken me home in his car. The reason I remember it so clearly is that I was dead proud of my story, but I got into trouble for it! I can still see the teachers writing on the page “An excellent story Tricia, but you should never accept lifts from strangers”..... A fair point. The memory of this event is now so clear that I can even picture the road I was on when I fell. And my red Raleigh bike with the chunky tyres that I loved so much. My sister was with me...... I must ask her if she remembers it too!
I’ve had a week of basking in embarrassing levels of congratulations and praise following the posting of my TedTalk onto our internal intranet and the announcement of the BEM. It’s been surreal but incredible. I’m trying to enjoy it without trying to justify myself. Just accept the compliments without question..... something many of us aren’t always great at. I spent yesterday evening laughing and sharing quality time with 4 of my dearest friends, and today with hubby and then inadvertently meeting Norman. It’s not difficult to stay happy when your eyes have been opened......
What a wonderful life! Xx
A wee late addition to this entry..... I forgot to tell you how I started my day...... By watching James Cordon doing carpool karaoke with Paul mcCartney. There was no better way to start it! I cried three times from the sheer joy of it. If you haven’t watched it already then go and look it up...... I promise it’ll make your day. Xxx
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