You know when adults run sometimes we take off so quick that we fall over our own feet?? I’ve seen my dog have the same problem on the beach (lurcher. Short bursts of lots of energy. Long legs).
Year One doesn’t give much time to be the tortoise. There’s plenty of people about to stop you falling over your own feet, but you’ve got to keep moving...... surgery........get up, keep going........... radio........get up, keep going......... chemo......... get up, keep going.............. end of treatment........time to see how you feel......... face in sand. Not buried, firmly face planted. Well, ok, probably had been buried a bit too!!
This weekend marks my one year seizureversary. I’m doing very well generally, however now I’m having to face my life post treatment. You don’t scrape back up and go back to your old life when you’re still living with a brain tumour. I liked my life before, but have been willing to accept some necessary changes in the last year. Up until recently I’ve mistakenly thought if I fought hard I’d live a new life, but one where I’d largely chosen the changes made. Go to bed earlier because you’re tired, get plenty of fresh air to keep the mood up. What I hadn’t really accounted for was that pesky tumour! When something is in your brain it can touch different things and cause different things to happen. After a year, I’m faced to force what those things might be....... safe in the knowledge that nobody really knows because we’re all a bit different)..... at the moment I’m often dizzy and very weak. I’m tired and experiencing wee tremours and pins and needles. I’m not safe to walk without assistance and I often feel a bit sick. I have headaches. Sometimes my speech is a bit slurred and I can experience ‘tip of the tongue moments’, where I know what I’m trying to say but can’t quite pull the thread out of my brain. I’m a bit skinny and a bit fragile. But I’m safe in the arms of the team that helped me that very first night. My knights on white horses. I say that plural because it is a whole team. My Support Cage. Still strong, a year later.
And guess what?? I’m alive. I’m not in horrible pain. I am completely mentally sound and still seeing goodness and humour all around me.
Now the tough bit really begins........ living with a brain tumour. But now I will be the tortoise. I am walking with a stick and won’t get discharged from hospital until I’m safe to be home and the necessary plans are in place. I am now properly disabled. I’m not sure why I didn’t realise this was ahead......... probably because I refused to find out. I was scared if I read up too much that I’d give myself an excuse to not fight as hard. Why would I think that?? It certainly hasn’t taken away who I am as a person or the strength of support I’m surrounded by............
Yes, it’s fair to say I was a bit naive. I wasn’t a tortoise, I was a hare missing a leg who refused to stop running. Now I accept I’m the tortoise and I’ll learn to enjoy that pace.
Slow, but not stopped....... life is still good and there’s a wedding to organise!
Today’s song......
One finger, one thumb, one arm, one leg, one nod of the head, keep moving! Xxx
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