Chemo musings

During chemo cycles i don't sleep well. I haven't decided if it's the chemo or the few days of increased steroids that are the issue....... Sometimes I'm convinced any side effects are entirely of my own creation, but it obviously doesn't feel that way at the time......

You know when you were a kid and you used to hold your tongue to the end of a battery, to feel the slight current?? Don't pretend you didn't...... we've all done it! It's like a dog owner pretending they've never tried a doggie choc drop...... I have friends who claim not to have done either at any stage in their life. You're either not being entirely honest, or your sense of curiosity and imagination needs adjusted! 

My sense of curiosity has never really been in question, and my imagination seems only enhanced by the 'surgical cavities'. So last night when I took my three chemo tablets, a tablet so toxic that you can't hold it in your hand before taking it, and have to wash your hands before and after being near, my imagination (I assume) got to work. I really have no idea which bits are actual effects and which bits I create mentally. I don't think it matters...... it's all from the one body and it feels very real at the time. I think the trick is to take the dose and then go to sleep fairly quickly. I misjudged last night...... somehow deciding it was better to let my body start to digest them before I lay down. I can only describe it as feeling like someone had stuck a cattle prod down my throat and was blasting right down my throat, down my oesophagus, into my lungs and heart, and through my bloodstream....... yikes........ not pleasant. Panic inducing. But deep down I knew this was probably not totally real, and definitely there was absolutely nothing I could do. So I worked on the only thing I can control..... my anxiety levels. Deep breathing, calm thoughts, releasing tensions. I must've learnt something as I fell back to sleep! Not for long, but an achievement all the same. Today I have functioned, albeit slowly, and generally feel no worse than I have done for ages. So doing ok really. Not a day of high activity, but not s day in bed either. I'm wearing jeans, I'm showered, I've even been out for lunch!

Interestingly I had yet another moment of creativity during the electrical surge...... the last time I wrote I think I said something about bees and wasps?...... if I didn't write it, I thought it!  Anyway, so here's how it came to me last night.......

Have you ever seen programmes about cuckoo wasps? They infiltrate other nests/hives and lay their own eggs. Their larvae then eat the existing ones. 

That's how I see what happened to me........ cuckoo wasps got into my honey bee hive. They infiltrated extensively. My surgeon sprayed the hive with chemicals and then cut out as much of the infiltrated bit as she could. With the radiotherapy, 'burn back' was continued. Chemo is the final chemical spray. Unfortunately each treatment kills more honey bees, but they'd have been killed by the wasps anyway. The wasps are very susceptible to the chemicals and therefore more likely to die. The honey bee larvae may survive and will hopefully then recover and grow up to completely recreate the hive, producing honey and working together to ensure my whole body thrives and strengthens. Sometimes the wasps sting as they die. They fight, but it's a pointless struggle for them. I can't do too much to protect the honey bee larvae or ensure they grow into honey bees...... I just have to trust their strength and ability. I'll nurture them with a bit of strength testing alongside feeding them nutrients. And then we'll keep an eye of any remaining wasps, hoping they admit defeat and shrivel up. The hive will always be vulnerable to further attack, but we'll all work hard to ensure they don't get in or are stopped in their tracks early. Maybe the wasps will decide this hive isn't worth the hassle.

These are the thoughts of an exhausted person on too many steroids, and with too much imagination, at 4am........ Tonight I will get my head 'unbuzzed' early. I will read my book about trees (The Hidden Life of Trees....I've read very little of it so far but  am already completely enchanted!!), lament (yet be happy for) the fact that hubby and son are away to see Ryan Adams at the Ulster Hall, and then I will go to sleep early. A feat I feel well able of achieving tonight! 

Xxx