Sonar......

One day, a few months ago,while sitting in a cafe near my home, I watched a man walking his dogs. He always uses a whistle with them. Curiously on this occasion I could hear the whistle...... I know, I know, so many jokes..... I asked my friend if he could hear it, but he couldn't. It amused me greatly at the time. Post surgery, could I now hear sounds inaudible to the human ear???

I'm starting to think I can not just hear them, but also emit them......... I know I've said before about feeling like a type of Midnight Bark goes round when I feel particularly unwell..... Thankfully it's not dogs that answer it........ Izzy isn't really talking to me anyway, having been banned from the bedroom. Sorry Izz, but I can't harp on about infection risks and then have a dog lying on the bed, much as I love you........... 

So my Midnight Bark seems to go around friends. Unrelated friends. Often people who don't know each other, so no conspiracy about an 'actual' bark. Which is why I joke about emitting a low pitched noise...... one that can only be picked up by sensitive friends........ It's always the same. I hit a wee dip and the phone lights up. 

The romantic in me wants to believe it's something to do with energies, and that people close to me  know I might need a wee pick me up. The harsh realist in me knows that good friends remember when I'm having chemo and also that when I'm getting a bit of a kemo kickin I am more active on social media; I blog more, I text more etc...... my low pitched whine is probably as simple as me constantly popping up with a virtual "hello. I'm over here. I'm a bit bored. Feeling a bit crappy over here." I feel a bit wick admitting that, because it looks a bit needy! 

In reality, I am not needy because I already have everything I could ever need. Family and friends few could ever hope for. With unimaginable patience and stamina. I'm very grateful to all my friends that pick up the emitted hum and check in. Sometimes a smart comment is really all I need anyway! And I have lots of friends who can deliver that....

Genuinely, in this instance, I feel crap. Like I have flu. Chemo is giving me its 'end of cycle punch'. But I'm grand. Emotionally good..... helped by virtual laughs with friends and a real world visit yesterday from a good friend I've known for decades. What could bring spirits up more than running home in a hail shower, relying on someone half your size to stop you falling over your own feet??! 

I may have accidentally emitted a low hum. I think I accidentally did a bit of a 'thumbs up on Mondays'  on a Thurs/Fri and thank you to everyone who checked their alarms and checked in to see how I'm getting on. Rest assured the network is intact and I'm safe and well, if a little tired and unwell feeling. 

I'm reading this back and hesitating about publication..... I'm worried it looks like an 'I'm fine. I'm fine' only shouted by people who aren't fine. I promise it's not. It's an admission that I'm not really fine, that I feel a bit physically crap, that I'm tired, but that I know I'll be back up by tomorrow. It's honesty. I'm publishing it for that reason. Honesty. By writing it I'm acknowledging to myself and others that I don't have to be up and laughing all the time to be ok. It's ok to rest a bit during the kicking. Adopt the foetal position for a little while. That's not defeat or weakness. That's protection. My sister will testify from childhood that you only hit me once before I get a hard jab in..... in fact it's unusual for me not to punch first....... not so true as an adult, but I don't think there's ever been any fear of my ability to take the punches.

Chemo cycle 2 ends tonight (definitely!) We're a third of the way through! Let's get this finished. Support Team, remain assembled, but at ease. Four more to go.  Xxx