I read the news today, oh boy....

Another ‘no chemo’ Tuesday. I’ll get this finished yet! Seems the doctor’s holidays would’ve made little difference anyway as, yet  again my bloods are misbehaving. I’m taking some comfort from the fact that they’re doing exactly what they did before....... platelets down, then back up but neutrophils down. At the current measures, both have been worse, and whilst not high enough to allow treatment, are not low enough to cause panic . I’ll confess, the analyst in me is feeling an urgent need to put them in a line graph and see if I can match them against other factors........ I’m missing a few numbers (I have things written in numerous different notebooks!), otherwise it would’ve been done yesterday. Part of me wants to ask for them all and get to work..... the other part is telling me to wise up, remember they’ve both been far lower, and concentrate on just being cool and calm. I think the problem can come when you naturally become more settled when there’s a bit of order........ sad, I know........ Plotting blood levels may be my natural instinct, but to what objective? What mystery am I trying to solve? We know why they drop. That’s what chemo does. That’s why they’re checked; to ensure it’s safe to give you the next dose, and to ensure nothing dangerous is happening. This week I know the answer to both..... no and no. So no chemo but no medical panic. No amount of line graphs or analysis will change that!! Relax! I always feel so much better when I do. I sleep better, I feel better mentally and physically. Trust those that know what they’re doing. If I walk in with a line graph, I’ll scare the b-jeekers out of them!! Let them do their job. 

Knowing my stress triggers has definitely helped me, but I’ve loads of work to do! I’m still not very good at the initial blood tests results........ I try, but I haven’t got it yet........ definitely a “could do better”. A few days of rest and relaxation, that’s what I need. Not careering off channelling nervous energy into line graphs and the constant quest for black and white answers. 

I read this yesterday in a magazine and realised how true it is of so many of us! It was part of an article on living in the moment and being spontaneous sometimes. I wish I’d read it a year ago!!! 

“...if you’re hesitant about breaking your controlled routine, you’ll find it difficult to cope if the unexpected happens and you’re forced to alter arrangements. Events will occur that are beyond your power.......” 

I’m still learning the art of rolling with the punches. 8 months on and I still haven’t quite got there! I’m getting better at it  though! Honest! I say the right things, but it’s often an attempt at reminding myself! Thankfully though, I genuinely am improving! By the weekend I’ll be totally relaxed again......... which is just as well because we have plans! 

When I woke up this morning, I had a quick look at the news, as I always do. What a horrible news day. I’m berating myself for not being more flexible and not being quicker to accept change and unexpected situations, and I’m greeted by headlines that the political talks have been extended yet again, that a 100 year old man has been the victim of an aggravated burglary in his home, and a very negatively portrayed story from a hugely brave man which is likely to essentially prevent people from pushing forward for change. 

I do not live in a country where change is always embraced and I’ll admit to never being very good at it. The magazine article resonated with me because, as someone who didn’t embrace change, I had significant change thrust upon me. I’ve been able to control very small bits, but mostly I’ve been swept along in a flow of water that will hopefully eventually lead me to freedom! Sometimes the river flows slowly and I’m impatient for it to speed up, sometimes it flows quickly and I’m fighting against rapids. Either way, it’s moving, and that’s progress. Family and friends travel with me........ sometimes throwing me a life ring, sometimes gripping me under the arms themselves, oftentimes lifting me into a boat. Realistically I’m currently in a quiet stretch of river. I just need to remember how to lie back in the boat........ Back to the Riverbank with me!! xxx

Hallowe’en friends and frights!

I know I witter on about family and friends, but their love and support cannot be underestimated. Any sort of serious illness messes with your head........ in some cases more than most!! 

Being told I couldn’t have chemo this week and definitely wouldn’t next week either was another setback. On paper, it’s a minor setback. A couple of weeks in a long game. I’m very good at saying the words, but every so often it can hit...... like a slam in the chest you realise you can’t have chemo for a few weeks. Then it’s so easy to spiral it out, and suddenly I’m being hit full force with what’s going on. Like being told for the first time, all over again. Thankfully, the more times I get a wee run of anxiety, things (and more often people) always remind me of why it’s all ok. My memory is awful, but I know this week I’ve booked a posh night away on the encouragement of my sister. I have also finalised a band list for a charity rock gig next year, following a wonderfully kind offer from a guitarist. I have enjoyed time with a group of friends that never fail to make me laugh. I have enjoyed a great day out with an old friend, and shared laughs with her whilst agreeing we will have a day out before Christmas that will involve us both getting dressed up and wearing skirts (I promise I’m not lying about in leisurewear anymore, but there hasn’t been much call for skirts and heels!) Not to mention the ongoing conversations on every available forum on my phone, providing serious debate, updates, and mostly laughs. Plus the hubby who understands I need someone to sit with me for half an hour or so to help me feel safe and secure again. Happy, good people all around me.

I meditate every day. I get walks in the fresh air every day. Sometimes I potter a bit at housework (mostly washing....... hubby has suggested I need to start ‘staggering’ it as we can’t get it all dried!!)  I have a cuppa or go for a walk with friends etc every day. Sometimes I wonder how I had time to work! The biggest frustrations remain the small ones though........ I find it difficult to fill the dogs water bowl because it’s heavy and I’m worried about dropping it.  Sometimes I get a headache that stops me in my tracks. I’m often hugely tired, particularly in the afternoons. Sometimes my left leg lets me down a bit...... just a bit weak and/or not paying attention to messages I’m sending it. My self confidence remains a little variable.

So, nothing new in particular. So why am I blogging?? Well, firstly because it’s Sunday morning and I’m not hugely interested in Matvh of the Day. Secondly because I like writing. Thirdly because I (always) have  a funny story.......

Last night hubby and son went out for a while. They went to watch The Lost Boys being shown at an old, local cinema. Great craic! I didn’t go because scary films aren’t a great idea for me (even ones you’ve seen so many times you know parts of the script off by heart......... “Death by stereo!”)  I also find it hard to stay up past 9pm as I get so tired. So I stayed home. My sleep has been disrupted this week. Almost always stress related, I find myself having very vivid dreams sometimes. A few nights ago I awoke in agony, completely convinced my spleen was about to rupture....... I don’t even know what my spleen does (although I do know my dad has lived happily without one for around 40 years following a rugby mishap that he’s very proud of!)so I’ve no idea where this notion came from!! In reality, I had awful heartburn from the sneaky, dirty McDonalds I’d had for dinner.....Someday I’ll learn..... maybe.....!! 

Last night I was conscious I was home alone the weekend before Hallowe’en and had had a bit of a stressy week. So I snuggled up early, with a good book. I’d had to put my dog, Izzy, into the back room and kitchen. She goes mad when people knock the door and I was worried there might be trick or treaters. Early on I decided to settle down for a good nights sleep. I put on a ‘Sleep Story’ and was being lulled off to sleep by that and the fireworks. It doesn’t take me long to drift off, it’s staying asleep that’s usually the problem! Within a short time I was woken by a noise. I couldn’t quite remember what the noise had been and told myself it was probably someone at door. Deep down I knew it wasn’t though..... I began to deep breathe and tell myself it was fine and soon drifted back off. Only to be woken again. By this time my heart is pounding. There’s someone in the house. I know the noise has been from within the house. I freeze. Terrified. Sweating. Desperately trying to relax and not panic. The noise comes again. Another important lesson learned....... there is no point restricting your dog to the back of the house when she can open doors...! We’ve known for years that she has this skill. She can even open the external back door that opens outwards. We know she can do it. She knows we know she can do it. Generally she doesn’t. There’s an unwritten agreement....... if we put her to bed in the utility room and don’t shut the sliding door from the kitchen into the back room, then she will get up in the night and go to sleep on the sofa. Fair enough. That’s just savvy. Of late I’ve caught her trying to open my bedroom door so she can lie on my bed. That’s not allowed because I’m doing chemo,  so she’ll be told not to do it and she’ll skulk off in a huff. Opening the kitchen door is rarely necessary. It has glass panels and I can hear her scratching and scraping at the wood, trying to get leverage to be able to push down the handle and lean back, opening the door. She was probably scared by the fireworks, the poor thing. I go out and open the door to see a lurcher’s big brown eyes looking at me. Her ears are in their ‘sorry’ position. I tell her it’s ok and to come on in. She’s past me before I even finish the words. Straight into my room. I expected to find her on the bed, but she was lying on the carpet beside it. She could’ve got away with bottom of the bed last night, after she’d scared me half to death with her scratching and scraping! But she knows the rules...... can’t go on the bed while mums doing chemo.  

So not only am I supported by wonderful family and friends..... even my dog has my back and is careful to be sure she’s beside me when needed. Surrounded by love! Xxx

You can’t hurry.....

Love. 

Phil Collins told me that when I was only a kid. And I believe The Supremes told him......

You can’t hurry chemo either. With good reason. Doesn’t make it any more frustrating unfortunately! Yesterday I got a phone call to ask why I hadn’t attended clinic..... erm....... because I got a phone call, telling me my bloods weren’t good enough for chemo?....... Then I was told that regardless of my test results next week, I still wouldn’t get chemo because my doctor is off on leave.......... 

I know Health is hugely underfunded, and it’s especially difficult at the moment with no local Ministers. I’ve watched nurses and doctors run off their feet, and would never suggest for a moment that they shouldn’t be able to get their holidays. This entry isn’t a slap at hard working people doing an impossible job. 

But I t’d be remiss of me not to give the patients side however. My family and I are dealing with an awful time. I have friends going through it with us too. Unavoidable delays make it worse and more stressful. Mistakes because a file hasn’t been read properly, or a message passed on, make it worse. Avoidable delays because no-one else can clear me for take off, make it worse again. It’s frustrating and it’s more stressful than it should needto be.

This, it seems, is the world of chemo. A world of set backs and frustration. Not to mention the feeling like shit. Yet, given the choice again, would I do it?  Yes, if the experts recommended it then yes, I would. In for a penny..... Its not an easy road for me or anyone close to me, but when you commit to s course of action then you follow through...... 

The most important things in life are not to be rushed. So after my initial upset, and my admittedly probably still stress and slight bad mood (sorry to anyone who’s had brunt!), I will settle down for another chemo holiday. Two weeks makes no difference long term. Slow and steady, the tortoise will win the race eventually.....a wee short cut would be nice though......Xxx

Round and round

Bloods say ‘no’ again. So frustrating but unavoidable. We’ll get to this halfway point eventually!! Unfortunately chemo cycle 3 couldn’t be started again this week. We’ll try again next week. 

In good news........  my platelets are going up. Not high enough for treatment yet, but getting there slowly. And my sister is flying over anyway! Best. Sister. Ever. No hand holding during chemo needed this time, but always plenty of handholding needed!! As ever, a stumble along the road, but friends and family don’t let me stay down. Next week..... xxx

Wildflowers

A friend sent me the most beautiful video the other day. It seems to have been made by an environmental group, although I couldn’t and wouldn’t begin to talk of their politics. I tried to research but kept falling into internet black holes, so I’m deliberately conscious of not showing support for the group that made it. Not that anyone would care if I did, I’m sure!! Regardless , the film was fabulous. It was short, but beautifully filmed and narrated. 

On the surface it was a short nature film. The subject matter, muntjac deer, filmed with care and love. What I found interesting is that I know, from a report I once wrote about environmental crime,  that muntjac deer are regarded as an invasive, pest species. Like grey squirrels, muntjac were introduced, have escaped from small areas and are leading to the destruction of native deer / red squirrel mainly through the introduction of new diseases. They are also often blamed for an increase in road traffic collisions.

Not unlike Sitka Spruce.......who don’t cause road traffic collisions to my knowledge, but have certainly got a bad reputation in Tollymore, County Down. So whilst we marvel and point out to children ‘that big, old, majestic tree’, ‘the wee squirrel’ or ‘the cute deer with the horns’, were actually marvelling at the species that are helping wipe out our native species like red squirrels (Tufty Club anyone??) and oak. (Interesting fact..... did you know that Doire, Derry in Irish, means Oak?? I didn’t. Now I do!) 

As my friend rightly pointed out; One man’s weed is another man’s wildflower. 

Ever since, I’ve been trying desperately to see my cancer in a wildflower type way.  I’ve seen the scans and they’re undoubtedly fascinating, though I’m not sure any amount of trying is going to allow me to see anything other than a weed to be plucked out by the root. I think that’s the scariest bit...... where is the root?? Is it in my DNA? Is it something I can effect? I don’t know. Nobody does. But I do know you can kill it off and essentially stunt growth.  I’ve turned off any sun or rain it might’ve been getting by looking after myself mentally and physically, and I’ve got the experts in with the Round Up. 

I want that weed out. Only wild flowers in there. The late, great Tom Petty often tells me I belong amongst them..... xxx

Ophelia, you cow......

“Piglet: Oh Owl, I don't mean to c-c-complain, but I'm afraid, I'm scared. 

Owl: Now, now, Piglet, Chin up and all that sort of thing. A rescue's being thought of. Be brrrave, little Piglet! 

Piglet: It's awfully hard to be b-b-b-b-brave when you're such a small animal. 

Owl: Then to divert your small mind from your unfortunate predicament, I shall tell you an amusing anecdote.”

Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day

Little did I realise how prophetic my last blog title would be.... It was all going so well...... then Ophelia started to make herself known.  She started by giving me a busting headache yesterday evening. She moved on to making it worse this morning. I had it somewhat tamed by the time my lovely District Nurse arrived to take bloods this morning. Ophelia then led to the cancellation of my sister’s flight, hence stressing me out and making my headache worse. She closed schools and hospitals, leading to me worrying chemo couldn’t be done tomorrow. 

On the flip side, she blew hubby home early and in perfect time to wipe away the ‘no chemo tomorrow’ tears, so maybe she’s not all bad.  And I can’t blame Ophelia for platelets of 44....... That’s just how chemo can go, it seems.  Treatment postponement is rough. I don’t want to do chemo, but I’ve committed to it so I certainly don’t want it dragged out any further than necessary. But this is why they check your bloods. To make sure you’re ok for the next one. I thought I was. I was sure I was. I’m not. Not this week. 

And so we accept it’s happened for a reason, give ourselves a break, calm down, and try again next week.  As Owl says “Chin  up and all that sort of thing”...... xxxx

The calm before Ophelia....

What a great week. Full of friends from all parts of my life.  Chats with some people I haven’t seen in far too long, catch ups with people who have solidly been by my side for the past 8 months, plus getting to know new friends. A week of being surrounded by happy, positive people. 

On Saturday night I even managed to go to a Bonfire, Beer and Busk. I missed the album launch of friends’, but baby steps....! Held in aid of Macmillan, it was being organised by friends I’ve recently made. I was determined to go to it, despite it being an ‘evening out’ challenge. In 8 months I think I’ve been out of bed after 8pm three times. Once to  do a charity walk, once to watch a short film on the banks of the Erne, and now  to watch other people drink beer while we all sing along to acoustic guitars. Each time has been wonderful!! The treatments have been exhausting, and it’s important to let my body recover, but it’s nice to push myself a wee bit every so often. I love music. I couldn’t go to a gig yet due to the noise/ crowds/ lights. I miss it. This event was perfect! A small group of people, a few with guitars. I laughed and I sang, and I laughed some more. 

I watched a man I knew from before (but not well) show a side I’d never have guessed was there, I sang along with a stranger who chose to sing what he described as a more ‘obscure’ song but is actually my favourite Ryan Adams song (Firecracker), I sang with a new (but already very dear) friend as she played the Bare Necessities on ukelele..... I enjoyed myself.  I got home late (by my standards!), exhausted, but with a smile on my face. Hubby was smiling too. There are so many people that have been dragged through this whole thing with me, not least my hubby and sister. My life has changed, but so has theirs in many ways. It’s difficult not to sometimes worry you’ve become a burden..... It’s difficult not to sometimes feel like everyone’s getting a bit bored with the whole brain tumour thing.  Get over it already. Someone once asked me what my ‘day to day’ looks like and I think that’s the toughest bit....  my day to day looks totally different to how it used to and is  ever changing. On Saturday night I was much more like my old self.....today I’ve got a pounding headache and am a bit stressed out due to blood tests and Storm Ophelia. The change in air pressure (I assume) gives me a headache like none I could ever imagine. Always did! I’m sure I’ve said it before, but two things guaranteed to give me blinding headaches that I was aware of prior to diagnosis were storms and anyone using an e-cigarette in my vicinity. It remains the same now, although the headaches are worse (due to treatment swelling I’d imagine). I can, and do, stay away from anyone vaping, but I can’t do much about Ophelia. Thankfully she’s moving quick so hopefully will be through quick. A duvet day is allowed...... especially as I’m also waiting for blood results later on. Poor marks will see tomorrow’s chemo put off. I hate the thought of another round of chemo, but it would be another one done and would put me at the halfway point. I committed to doing it but I just want it over with now!

I wasn’t sure if going out on Sat night would be too much. I had faint concerns about doing too much ahead of Tuesday, but I knew I’d be safe and hubby would bring me home if necessary. Sometimes you don’t know you’ve done too much until you do too much, and it can be good to push a bit!. In this case, thankfully, that doesn’t appear to have been the case.  

Yesterday brought another good day, measuring trees 🌲 (I was made aware that Rosie has a boyfriend......  she does but he’s 6m 8 so she’s still the boss!) I am now in contact with the National Trust and hope to get information updated! They’re also talking about doing up a Tree Trail, where you can visit all the ancient trees on NT properties. Somewhat quirky I’ll admit, but actually surprisingly interesting when you start reading! The book, The Hidden Life of Trees, might leave you with an interest you hadn’t expected  to gain! Or maybe I’ve just been off work too long....... Either way, I’m considering changing my name to Yogi and running tree hugging classes!! 

So after a great week, Ophelia appears to be kicking my ass a bit today. But like all other negative things in our lives, Ophelia is only passing through. Far more important are the constants. The positive people all around us. I’m confident I’m Ophelia proof. Let’s get halfway through this bit...... the last bit...... then I can go singing beside campfires and measuring trees, without over thought! Xxx

A simple act.....

“Appreciation is a wonderful thing: it makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.” 

Voltaire

Having bad things happen, makes you better appreciate the good. A cliche, I know........ rain and rainbows and all that....... But it’s true. Showing appreciation to people can be a very simple thing, but it can have a big impact. I used to joke that ‘a pat on the head from one of the bosses had me running around like a wee waggly tailed puppy!’ I guess we shouldn’t really need validation from others, but it’d be a very arrogant person that didn’t.  I try to make sure I say thank you, because I know how much it would mean to me. Not to mention the fact that people have done things for me over the last 8 months that have literally saved my life.  Friends and family have kept me afloat and stopped me refusing treatment, not to mention ensuring I still have a life and don’t make myself more physically unwell by crawling under the covers and not coming out. I try to tell them often. It doesn’t take much to give a hug (so long as you’re germ free!) or to embarrass someone while you declare  your love like a happy drunk “No, no, but you don’t understand...... I really love you!”  

Medical professionals can be more tricky. I’m conscious of being really intense  and scaring the complete crap out of them, but also think it’s important they know if they’ve done something that’s made all the difference. For me, these acts are generally simple things like a hand on your arm or just seeming to be interested. I can’t imagine how challenging it is, with budget cuts and constant staff shortages, and I tend to talk......... a lot......... So I’ll always try to take time to write a card. It doesn’t take too much to do but I don’t think there’s too many of us that haven’t smiled on receipt of a nice card. 

You don’t expect to get a ‘thank you for your thank you’.......... otherwise we’d all be stuck in a card writing circle......... perhaps not a bad plan!  This morning I woke up to two messages from people thanking me for the thank yous. One was from a doctor and one was from a nurse. They caused a literal rush of warmth across my heart. Every part of me smiled. Is there any feeling better than knowing you’ve made someone happy?? Well yes, there is..... the feeling you get when someone tells you you’ve made them happy by telling  them they made you happy! Simply acknowledging each other. 

What made me smile most was that both people seemed to be unsure if I’d remember them. Oh I remember them both, and will always be hugely grateful they were there. Do I remember the nurse who held my hand and reassured me as I took a seizure in the middle of the night and was convinced death was imminent? Yes, I remember her. Very clearly indeed. Do I remember the doctor who explained everything to me and helped calm me? (I talk about her in blog entry ‘Cocky’.... the title being aimed at me, not her!!) do I remember her beauty and her efficient yet kind manner? Yes, I remember her. Very clearly indeed.

Take time to say thank you. Appreciate what people do, whether it’s as heroic as emergency services, or simply something small that helped your day. What is it they say about giving up your seat for an older person on the bus? It might not seem like much to you, but it might make a huge difference to them. 

As I move towards the fear of another chemo cycle next week, I’ve had and am having a week of beautiful people, both in writing and in person. Warning my heart and holding my hand. Thank you xxx

Picking you up

A new friend paid me a massive compliment today that was really appreciated. She said of the blog that it was “Impossible not to see the world as you do after reading”. What a beautiful thing thing to say. 

And what a big responsibility....... I’d better see the world beautifully then, hadn’t I? Easy to pick people up, just as easy to pull them down. Ive been honest about my ‘emotional dips’, but I’d never want the blog to be a sad place. General feedback tells me it’s not, but it’s something I’m always conscious of.  The fact remains that I am being treated. It’s difficult treatment. I often grieve for my old life, but I’m also glad to have my eyes opened to the parts of it that did me no good.  We never lived a ‘big life’. We’ve never tried to keep up with the Joneses or coveted what others had. But I’ll admit to being out at work too many hours in a day, and to not taking enough ‘down time’.  Not drinking or running round going to gigs, actual ‘down time’. Walks and cuppas with friends. I did it, but not enough.  Now my favourite times are those spent laughing with friends or attending my weekly cancer rehabilitation Keep Fit class.  

This year it’s been easier for me to get time with people who care. I’m enjoying that. Some of those people have been complete revelations to me, others are solid reliable people I’d never have expected anything else from. Equally there’s been a few (though thankfully very few) disappointments. Some who just don’t know what to say or do, some who are just too busy to make time, some who were great but then just gradually fell away as their own lives (naturally) took priority, some who actually don’t give a damn. Honestly, if my friend were going through chemo, I think I’d fall into the former category. I wouldn’t know what to do. I wouldn’t want to intrude or overwhelm, but I’d do anything if steered in the right direction. 

People are funny old things....... Facebook will very quickly show you which are the ones to have around in crisis....... a quick way of telling apart people who delight in happy and silly, from the grief junkies and harbingers of doom. Sometimes I wonder at my audacity at saying things like that, when I’ve written so honestly about my emotions this year. Writing negatively can simply be some peoples’ way of getting it out of their system.  Sometimes though, I think some would  be better going for a walk........

Social media is both a blessing and a curse. I love delighting in a video of a person falling over as much as the next person, but sometimes I can’t look at one more post seemingly delighting in a terrible thing that’s happened, hourly selfies,  or another check in to a doctor surgery or hospital. And then there’s holidays....... I quite enjoy them usually! As long as it’s not all photos of you, drinking. I like the ones where I get to see where you’ve been. Just a few, carefully chosen snaps of happy faces and beautiful places.....  Where social media shows it’s worth sticking with, is its ability to spread information about events. It’s a quick, easy way to let people know about charity events or exciting things happening. For us, it’s like the Radio Times for gigs! I still haven’t managed to get to one all year, and it’s not looking likely for near future, but 2018........ watch out for an event that ticks the boxes for charity event, exciting things and gigs!

Chemo cycle 3 is due to start on Tuesday. Nerves are starting to build a bit. Im keeping chilled by telling myself the usual...... it’ll happen, you’ll be grand......if it doesn’t go ahead it’s because your body isn’t ready, enjoy the extra break. I did have two near strangers tell me yesterday that I look a lot better than the last time they saw me, and hubby is convinced I look better now than I did at this stage last time, so here’s hoping. It’s a marathon, not a sprint etc etc But of course there’s part of me that just wants to get it done. The’gggrrrr’ part that goes in like Rocky! Now that I have my line in, I’ll know on Monday afternoon if my bloods are ok or not. That’ll help. Better than going up and being sent home.

Another ‘not funny’ blog entry...... hmmmm...... what can I throw in?? There’s always something....... did I tell you about the time I left my house, having locked the front door but not shutting the handle properly?? A delivery man discovered my completely insecure house and went to tell a neighbour. The neighbour rang my husband, who rang me. My phone has been on silent for 8 months. Yes, I felt it buzzing, but it’s always buzzing. I was having lunch.....!! Izzy the wonder dog had everything under control anyway........ 

Or, even better....... how you can make mischief from over 50 miles away........  Remember when David Bowie died? Of course you do. It was all over the tv and radio. No getting away from the sad news. So much so that one of my team at work, deadpan, asked ‘Is Bowie dead??’ The joke continued with ‘Is Prince dead?’, ‘Is Glen Frey dead?’ Etc  To some this will seem like sacrilege, but I think most will understand you take your humour, even if sometimes a little dark, wherever you can find it when you work in a serious office, dealing with serious stuff.......  So, now I find myself sitting on something I’m itching to say...... I want to make my team laugh....... the guy who originally asked the question isn’t there...... what to do?? Why, enlist as many people who’s mobile numbers you have to pop their heads around the Office door and ask ‘Is Tom Petty dead?’....... one even delighted me by going freestyle and going back again later to ask ‘is Alan Rickman dead?’...... I’m not sure if the office found it funny, but I did! A silly way of reminding them I miss them!! A silly way of reminding myself I’m still part of the gang. A silly way of keeping myself laughing. I hope anyone who reads this will see or do some ‘silly’ today! Make sure to report back on activities! Xxx

Going wisely.....

“Go wisely and slowly. Those who rush stumble and fall.”

Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare

A quote clearly in relation to romance, however good advice in any context! Yesterday I had my first fall...... thankfully it was a very ‘slow fall’...... more of a stumble really, and I landed safely on my bed. No damage done, but a warning to take care. I can definitely feel myself weaker since I started chemo, but am sticking with the gentle walking and weakly rehab Keep Fit Class. Today we had a lovely walk in Ballycastle  for a nice change. Keep Fit wasn’t  on for a few weeks, but this week saw me back at it. It’s not what I would describe as strenuous...... in fact I should probably try to work a bit harder at it........ but I genuinely do find I need to go wisely with exercise!

In general it’s been a busy week with visitors, and this week is set to be the same. Good for me as it means 17th Oct and planned next chemo will come in quicker. The other day I began to have concerns that I was starting to wish my life away...... just wanting to get by until the end of chemo. My dear, clever friend reminded me “You’re just moving towards a short term goal”. The end of chemo is that goal. There’s nothing wrong with working towards it and then being able to be happy about achieving it.  What a good way to look at it! We do it all the time. I’m not wishing my life away, I’m just looking forward to the next bit of it.  And I’m doing it (mostly) with a smile on my face. 

Friends, old and new, continue to bouy me up. This week includes time with friends I wouldn’t have met if not for being unwell. Wonderful friends. Rays of sunshine coming through my front door, armed with a beautiful posie of fresh wildflowers, a honeypot, and a little soft Piglet. It’s a pleasure getting to know new people; finding out about others’ lives, the choices they’ve made and why, the fresh air that can be breathed into your life by ‘new’ conversations and opinions !  The week ahead brings more friends...... older ones this time. Equal pleasure but in different ways; the excitement of hearing what’s been going on, the mental stimulation of talking about subjects you should know a bit about, sharing old laughs.  

So, on reflection, as I move towards my short term goal of getting this damned chemo done, I realise that I’m far from wishing my life away! I’m enjoying it more than ever, enjoying the outdoors and sharing good times with those who’re important to me, whether newly met or known of old. If I’m killing time until chemo’s finished, I can’t think of a much better way to do it!! Xxx

Wind in the Willows Live

I’m no Kate Humble and there’s no webcam, but I have just returned from an almost perfect weekend in Fermanagh with hubby, sister and brother in law. I’m calling it Wind in the Willows Live, because that’s what it often felt like. Our accommodation is advertised as having ‘panoramic views of Lough Erne’ and it’s been honestly advertised! It was simply stunning. The Lough was so close to the decking, we could’ve dipped our toes in.  We didn’t...... we’d been warned about the pike.......

I’ve a notion I may have told the pike fear story before, but I’m not sure so I’ll go again, plus it has a cooler ending this time! I have a complete fear of pike, despite never having actually met one...... when we were kids my dad used to tell a story about a man he knew....... a friend of a friend........ urban myth type story! This man had allegedly caught a pike and was trying to get his hook out. The story we were told was that pike have very sharp teeth that are pointed backwards, towards its throat. So the man is removing his hook and the pike clamps down, trapping his hand. The only way he could get his hand out is to  rip it out, tearing all the skin off his hand. As you can imagine, the mention of pike  has curdled my blood ever since! 

I was told today, the backwards facing teeth thing isn’t actually true, although they do have lots of very sharp teeth (so still not a great idea to put your hand in the mouth of one!) I’ve since googled and it seems dad’s story about the teeth might’ve been true...... but the pike fisherman we met today disputed it. 

But how did I meet the pike fisherman I hear you ask?! Well, now that’s a good story....... 

Yesterday we were walking down to our accommodation and saw a girl with a wheelbarrow. She was taking stuff from the back of a car to an old fashioned looking boat. I laughed and commented on her ingenuity. She chatted back and commented that she was covered in dust. We walked on but I felt the need to go back....... I don’t know what boats have or don’t have and had no idea of her story, but she was clearly working hard so I offered her use of anything she might need in our lodge (shower, toilet etc). She explained she was helping set up a projector and screen to show a couple of short films later on. It was part of a wider arts festival going on in Fermanagh, and was being organised by the Row the Erne charity. She told us to come down later and watch the films. I liked her. She was friendly and smiley and full of fun. I decided then and there that I would go. Everyone else was more than happy to do it too. I almost reconsidered before going down later on because I was tired and was worried I’d end up regretting sitting outside on damp ground way past my bedtime...... but I don’t want to be the one who never does anything in the evenings. The charity seemed to have a great mix of trying to maintain historical information/practices, while allowing access for people of all backgrounds and abilities. The girl I’d met seemed really bubbly, and I wanted to show family that I’m willing to push myself in a reasonable way. So we went.

We carefully made our way along a path lit by fairy lights and burning torches. On arrival my new friend had kept us brilliant seats, and even came and wrapped a blanket around me to make sure I didn’t get cold. Clearly my instincts about her had been spot on! Yet another one of the wonderful people I seem to keep meeting along the way.......  We were given popcorn and settled down to watch ‘Boogaloo and Graham’...... we laughed with strangers and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Although the latest night I’ve had in many months, I was still tucked up in bed early. And, more importantly, completely relaxed and content. 

Don’t worry, I haven’t completely forgotten about the pike fisherman........ I had said to my new friend that I’d like to do a wee Erne trip before we left today, but we were limited for time due to sister’s flight. She knew a guy...... Today she let me know the guy’s details. Around 10.30am I found myself ringing this guy, explaining we had to leave at 12 but would like to do something! He didn’t have time to get his boat ready, but suggested we go to Devenish Island on the 11am ferry trip. I’m not generally prone to spontaneity...... or didn’t used to be........ the new Trish is a bit more devil may care. Plans? Everything pre organised? Pah! We’ve now 20 mins to get to a jetty somewhere....... I truly love my hubby, sister and brother in law for completely jumping aboard (no pun intended, but it was a good one!) and ignoring any slight niggles they might’ve had in the back of their minds against doing it.  And so it is that I met the pike fisherman. As he transported us to Devenish Island on an ‘arranged in 10 mins’ trip. 

I would NEVER have done this prior to diagnosis. Just not the way I was. Up for a laugh, but very responsible and completely ‘planned out’. Scheduled. There was a genuine risk of missed flights. A million things that could’ve gone wrong. Old risk averse Trish wouldn’t have taken the chance. Not so much now!!

Beautiful Fermanagh also brought other fun person. Yesterday I was given a hedgehog, made from a book. Fabulously ingenious and just really cute. The lady who gave it to me refused any payment, saying she only ever gives them to people. She said the only rule was I had to name it before leaving her second hand book shop.......  I originally named him Chum as my sister seemed to remember you can feed hedgehogs dog food, and I have a friend who spends a lot of time in Fermanagh and often calls me ‘chum’. I’ve since changed it to George, as that was one of the characters’ names I could see written on the folded pages. There was also a Penelope. Once I saw Roderiges enter the mix, and read some more of the half sentences, I realised it was best not to think much further about what the book had started out as.....!

I have two more stories from Fermanagh. One is more ‘another strand in the spider’s web’. The other is just funny.

Strand first. Before leaving Fermanagh, we visited friends. A guy my hubby went to school with and his family. It’d been way too long. The conversation came around to religion. Mixed and easy company made it easy for everyone to chat openly. If I were to tell you that the priest who I insisted on seeing whilst unable to sleep after awake surgery was a former next door neighbour of our friends when they were young..... when my hubby would’ve often visited and stayed........And that their fathers were close friends, you wouldn’t believe it, would you?? But I am telling you it. And you wonder why I feel the need to write?? If that doesn’t make you smile, I’m not sure what will!!

And finally (I promise), the funny....... While gazing out across the Lough, we had noticed ‘a thing’. Kind of like a wicker tunnel on a stake, lifting it up out of the water. We all had different theories about what it could be. Hubby thought it was a perch for heron (mainly because a heron was perched on it....), bro in law thought a home for some sort of mammal like a water vole, I thought otter nesting boxes. Big sis was idilly flicking through a magazine, but when pushed she also went for man made perch. A short time later we were having some breakfast in the hotel. Unable to stop wondering, I asked a waitress what it was......... I’m going to say it was a combination of asking the wrong person and me not explaining myself properly, but the response of “Is it a bungalow?” has me laughing every time I think about it!! My favourite funny moment of the day cane early snd was a corker!! 

For those of you, like me and bro in law, who HAVE to know....... it seems they’re mallard nesting tunnels! I’m slightly disappointed by this. There’s ducks everywhere. Should we not spend time helping others more in need?? I think it’s because mallards generally nest on grass so the hotel are trying to keep them out of the way?? Answers on a postcard...... 

A lovely weekend, filled with family, beautiful surroundings, new and old friends and laughs. Doesn’t get much better than that........ xxx