Being told I couldn’t have chemo this week and definitely wouldn’t next week either was another setback. On paper, it’s a minor setback. A couple of weeks in a long game. I’m very good at saying the words, but every so often it can hit...... like a slam in the chest you realise you can’t have chemo for a few weeks. Then it’s so easy to spiral it out, and suddenly I’m being hit full force with what’s going on. Like being told for the first time, all over again. Thankfully, the more times I get a wee run of anxiety, things (and more often people) always remind me of why it’s all ok. My memory is awful, but I know this week I’ve booked a posh night away on the encouragement of my sister. I have also finalised a band list for a charity rock gig next year, following a wonderfully kind offer from a guitarist. I have enjoyed time with a group of friends that never fail to make me laugh. I have enjoyed a great day out with an old friend, and shared laughs with her whilst agreeing we will have a day out before Christmas that will involve us both getting dressed up and wearing skirts (I promise I’m not lying about in leisurewear anymore, but there hasn’t been much call for skirts and heels!) Not to mention the ongoing conversations on every available forum on my phone, providing serious debate, updates, and mostly laughs. Plus the hubby who understands I need someone to sit with me for half an hour or so to help me feel safe and secure again. Happy, good people all around me.
I meditate every day. I get walks in the fresh air every day. Sometimes I potter a bit at housework (mostly washing....... hubby has suggested I need to start ‘staggering’ it as we can’t get it all dried!!) I have a cuppa or go for a walk with friends etc every day. Sometimes I wonder how I had time to work! The biggest frustrations remain the small ones though........ I find it difficult to fill the dogs water bowl because it’s heavy and I’m worried about dropping it. Sometimes I get a headache that stops me in my tracks. I’m often hugely tired, particularly in the afternoons. Sometimes my left leg lets me down a bit...... just a bit weak and/or not paying attention to messages I’m sending it. My self confidence remains a little variable.
So, nothing new in particular. So why am I blogging?? Well, firstly because it’s Sunday morning and I’m not hugely interested in Matvh of the Day. Secondly because I like writing. Thirdly because I (always) have a funny story.......
Last night hubby and son went out for a while. They went to watch The Lost Boys being shown at an old, local cinema. Great craic! I didn’t go because scary films aren’t a great idea for me (even ones you’ve seen so many times you know parts of the script off by heart......... “Death by stereo!”) I also find it hard to stay up past 9pm as I get so tired. So I stayed home. My sleep has been disrupted this week. Almost always stress related, I find myself having very vivid dreams sometimes. A few nights ago I awoke in agony, completely convinced my spleen was about to rupture....... I don’t even know what my spleen does (although I do know my dad has lived happily without one for around 40 years following a rugby mishap that he’s very proud of!)so I’ve no idea where this notion came from!! In reality, I had awful heartburn from the sneaky, dirty McDonalds I’d had for dinner.....Someday I’ll learn..... maybe.....!!
Last night I was conscious I was home alone the weekend before Hallowe’en and had had a bit of a stressy week. So I snuggled up early, with a good book. I’d had to put my dog, Izzy, into the back room and kitchen. She goes mad when people knock the door and I was worried there might be trick or treaters. Early on I decided to settle down for a good nights sleep. I put on a ‘Sleep Story’ and was being lulled off to sleep by that and the fireworks. It doesn’t take me long to drift off, it’s staying asleep that’s usually the problem! Within a short time I was woken by a noise. I couldn’t quite remember what the noise had been and told myself it was probably someone at door. Deep down I knew it wasn’t though..... I began to deep breathe and tell myself it was fine and soon drifted back off. Only to be woken again. By this time my heart is pounding. There’s someone in the house. I know the noise has been from within the house. I freeze. Terrified. Sweating. Desperately trying to relax and not panic. The noise comes again. Another important lesson learned....... there is no point restricting your dog to the back of the house when she can open doors...! We’ve known for years that she has this skill. She can even open the external back door that opens outwards. We know she can do it. She knows we know she can do it. Generally she doesn’t. There’s an unwritten agreement....... if we put her to bed in the utility room and don’t shut the sliding door from the kitchen into the back room, then she will get up in the night and go to sleep on the sofa. Fair enough. That’s just savvy. Of late I’ve caught her trying to open my bedroom door so she can lie on my bed. That’s not allowed because I’m doing chemo, so she’ll be told not to do it and she’ll skulk off in a huff. Opening the kitchen door is rarely necessary. It has glass panels and I can hear her scratching and scraping at the wood, trying to get leverage to be able to push down the handle and lean back, opening the door. She was probably scared by the fireworks, the poor thing. I go out and open the door to see a lurcher’s big brown eyes looking at me. Her ears are in their ‘sorry’ position. I tell her it’s ok and to come on in. She’s past me before I even finish the words. Straight into my room. I expected to find her on the bed, but she was lying on the carpet beside it. She could’ve got away with bottom of the bed last night, after she’d scared me half to death with her scratching and scraping! But she knows the rules...... can’t go on the bed while mums doing chemo.
So not only am I supported by wonderful family and friends..... even my dog has my back and is careful to be sure she’s beside me when needed. Surrounded by love! Xxx
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