I read the news today, oh boy....

Another ‘no chemo’ Tuesday. I’ll get this finished yet! Seems the doctor’s holidays would’ve made little difference anyway as, yet  again my bloods are misbehaving. I’m taking some comfort from the fact that they’re doing exactly what they did before....... platelets down, then back up but neutrophils down. At the current measures, both have been worse, and whilst not high enough to allow treatment, are not low enough to cause panic . I’ll confess, the analyst in me is feeling an urgent need to put them in a line graph and see if I can match them against other factors........ I’m missing a few numbers (I have things written in numerous different notebooks!), otherwise it would’ve been done yesterday. Part of me wants to ask for them all and get to work..... the other part is telling me to wise up, remember they’ve both been far lower, and concentrate on just being cool and calm. I think the problem can come when you naturally become more settled when there’s a bit of order........ sad, I know........ Plotting blood levels may be my natural instinct, but to what objective? What mystery am I trying to solve? We know why they drop. That’s what chemo does. That’s why they’re checked; to ensure it’s safe to give you the next dose, and to ensure nothing dangerous is happening. This week I know the answer to both..... no and no. So no chemo but no medical panic. No amount of line graphs or analysis will change that!! Relax! I always feel so much better when I do. I sleep better, I feel better mentally and physically. Trust those that know what they’re doing. If I walk in with a line graph, I’ll scare the b-jeekers out of them!! Let them do their job. 

Knowing my stress triggers has definitely helped me, but I’ve loads of work to do! I’m still not very good at the initial blood tests results........ I try, but I haven’t got it yet........ definitely a “could do better”. A few days of rest and relaxation, that’s what I need. Not careering off channelling nervous energy into line graphs and the constant quest for black and white answers. 

I read this yesterday in a magazine and realised how true it is of so many of us! It was part of an article on living in the moment and being spontaneous sometimes. I wish I’d read it a year ago!!! 

“...if you’re hesitant about breaking your controlled routine, you’ll find it difficult to cope if the unexpected happens and you’re forced to alter arrangements. Events will occur that are beyond your power.......” 

I’m still learning the art of rolling with the punches. 8 months on and I still haven’t quite got there! I’m getting better at it  though! Honest! I say the right things, but it’s often an attempt at reminding myself! Thankfully though, I genuinely am improving! By the weekend I’ll be totally relaxed again......... which is just as well because we have plans! 

When I woke up this morning, I had a quick look at the news, as I always do. What a horrible news day. I’m berating myself for not being more flexible and not being quicker to accept change and unexpected situations, and I’m greeted by headlines that the political talks have been extended yet again, that a 100 year old man has been the victim of an aggravated burglary in his home, and a very negatively portrayed story from a hugely brave man which is likely to essentially prevent people from pushing forward for change. 

I do not live in a country where change is always embraced and I’ll admit to never being very good at it. The magazine article resonated with me because, as someone who didn’t embrace change, I had significant change thrust upon me. I’ve been able to control very small bits, but mostly I’ve been swept along in a flow of water that will hopefully eventually lead me to freedom! Sometimes the river flows slowly and I’m impatient for it to speed up, sometimes it flows quickly and I’m fighting against rapids. Either way, it’s moving, and that’s progress. Family and friends travel with me........ sometimes throwing me a life ring, sometimes gripping me under the arms themselves, oftentimes lifting me into a boat. Realistically I’m currently in a quiet stretch of river. I just need to remember how to lie back in the boat........ Back to the Riverbank with me!! xxx