Now I daydream of getting back to work again. I dream of feeling sharper and not having to concentrate so hard. I dream of being able to completely trust my body again. I dream of being like my old self (in terms of health, but carrying with me the lessons learnt and friends gained through my cancer journey so far), I dream of getting back out to gigs, I dream of an end to all seizures no matter how unnoticeable they may be to others, i dream of trips to beautiful relaxing places, I dream of a completely clear scan (somebody's got to be the miracle, right? I want to be the story people tell to reassure others...... "you'll be ok. I once knew a girl and she was told hers couldn't be completely removed but then a scan showed it had been. That was 30 years ago!" I want to be like the stories people tell me) I dream of reclaiming my car from my son, I even boldly dream of publishing a book.
Many of those dreams could come true. I manage my expectations, but I also push myself to ensure those dreams don't slip out of my reach simply because I let them.
I also have a lot of sleeping dreams. These can be even more random than my daydreams. Sometimes they're lovely....... wandering through lavender fields. A friend discovering a cure for all chemo side effects and rushing it to my door.
Sometimes they're not so lovely....... This morning I had a few extra hours, after a very unsettled night again. On waking it took me a minute to register three of my female work colleagues weren't here staying. I'd dreamt of the four of us sitting on my bed, sharing laughs. Something akin to the sleepover in Grease (a reference that may only be understood by female and possibly male readers over a certain age!) In the midst of all this frivolity I was giving my son a really hard time over what shoes he was wearing to work and a general lack of organisation around things he needed to do. This one is probably something of a guilt dream, as my son and I have sniped at each other a bit this week. Fairly unusual but definitely not something we should be wasting time doing. Message received and understood BFG......
Yesterday morning I would've sworn blind I'd been up three or four times through the night being sick. I vividly remembered it, but hubby was sure there was no way it could've happened. He was sure he'd have wakened. I'm not so sure of that, but I'm pretty convinced I would've shaken him awake to share my discomfort and fear. One up, everybody up! Why suffer alone?? It seems he was right....... there was more evidence. I sleep with a small, shiny basin beside the bed! I've used it once, but a wise ambulance driver once told me 'better looking at it than for it'. It remained exactly where it had been when I went to sleep. Complete with the bit of fluff that had been in it for days, but that I finally removed yesterday! Still plenty of water in my water bottle. The en suite was spotless. No questionable odours or splashes. No handprints on the floor. Still plenty of toilet roll and full pack of tissues on bedside table. My toothbrush was bone dry.....even though I distinctly remembered brushing my teeth recently before. After a bit of persuading and listening to the logical side of my brain, I realised it was just possible I'd dreamt I was sick, rather than it actually happening. It was exceptionally vivid and horribly unpleasant, but better than it actually happening!!
Having said all that, I could have made that dream reality last night as I polished off a dirty McDonalds....... Don't judge me! I've lost weight and am now under 9 stone, it was hubby's birthday, and I was always partial..... I've had a few sneaky McD's over the past 6 months but steered well clear of Chinese and I even checked the ingredients online prior to final decision. I'm still allowed the odd treat! Without scudding myself........ it's after 10am the next day and it's still down......digested by now surely??......
My other big excitement of yesterday was getting a second opinion about my eyes. I decided it would be worth paying for a local optician to give my eyes a good check, rather than totally trusting the big multinational I went to years ago because they were cheaper. Thankfully my local optician didn't hold it against me as I skulked back, tail between my legs. A very thorough check showed no damage to the optic nerve and everything as it should be, including peripheral vision. The only issue appears to be that I'm getting a bit older...... my short sightedness is now mixing with long sightedness. I'm possibly just more aware of it now as I'm doing more reading and am very sensitive to any changes in anything really. I can live with getting older..... in fact I positively welcome it please! When I was first diagnosed I had someone text me a 'sympathy text', which included reference to her family member has a brain tumour and is now blind. Helpful. Positive. I seem to remember telling Radiotherapy Unit staff, and adding "don't you dare take my sight, I couldn't be listening to it if I'm proved wrong for being cross about that!!" They laughed, told me they knew what they were doing and were very careful. I'm glad they were! Again, I hesitated in saying that in case I scud myself....... Then I remembered that if I'd been scared to say anything positive that happens, this would be the most miserable blog in the world! Boring sometimes, I'll take. Miserable and negative, nah not taking that one.
Having said that, in the interests of honestly and letting people know they're not alone, this week has been a rough one. My ability to deal with stressful situations has reduced, and I have to be careful to just remove myself sometimes. Nothing that's happened this week has been serious. Stuff we all deal with every day. As always I'm trying to do that again. Reminding myself that little things aren't worth getting uptight over. It's taking time and I'd imagine it'll happen again. What I also know is that getting myself into a tizz makes me worse. It gives me headaches, leads to absence seizures. It makes it hard to motivate to get up and jump into the day. It makes it harder to sleep........and so it goes round in a circle...... The old, slightly stressy Trish keeps trying to nudge her way back in. I'm trying to welcome her tenacity and ability to get things done, whilst pushing away the bit that leads to feeling anxious. My fears have changed somewhat, but I'm still full of fears. I used to live with constant fear of another seizure, of being told it's spread, of being told there's nothing more they can do, of imminent death. Now I live with far from constant, but come out every so often, fears centred round things like treatments being postponed due to a mess up with bloods, and bad news from scans. I still have to have a wee fight almost daily against these fears. There's nothing I can do about them really. I've taken a bit of control around ensuring appts etc are all sorted. I'm going to end up 'one of those' callers...... one of the ones everyone fights to avoid. I dealt with some at work, the way anyone working in the public sector does. I always tried to show kindness and attention because I usually found the worst offenders either had significant mental health problems or were older and often lonely. There were exceptions to this rule of course, but when the shout came over to me "That's one of yours", I generally didn't avoid the call or letter and tried to listen with patience, genuinely believing everyone has a right to be heard. And often that's all they wanted..... to be heard. I'm hoping good karma/ energies/ heavenly reward will ensure I get the same treatment. It seems to be working so far. I try to stay pleasant and mostly find people are good, and will be nice to you if you're nice to them. Plus nobody really goes out to make things harder for you in this situation, in fact there are very many who do exactly the opposite.
Thank God for the funny friends! Through the rough week emotionally, and at times physically, there has always been a joker there to make me laugh! And a husband to go for walks with me..... and cook my dinner........ and make me laugh....... Patience of a bloody saint!!!!
A hideously long blog...... again....... A person who always has huge amounts to say really shouldn't be allowed to get bored........ Don't worry, there are plans afoot......... within my capabilities...... Xxx
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