Try, try, try.......

Try, try, try again.....

Yesterday I woke up nervous. Third attempt at my second chemo cycle. I had been confident at the end of last week. Sure I'd beaten my viral infection, and ready for the next step forward. On Friday I even thought it'd be funny to try and guess what my platelets and neutrophils levels were.......... Never do this. You will get it wrong. I completely underestimated my platelets...... they were a huge amount higher than I expected. Good news! Unfortunately, neutrophils......... (normal levels between 1.8 and 8, need to be 1.5 for treatment, had been 1.3 last week), I had estimated 1.8, so a big disappointment to be told they were down to 1.1. I don't like to read up too much as Dr Google will rarely bring you glad tidings, however my understanding is that  I am at high risk of infection and my body has no ability to fight it.  No chemo........ again....... That's the third attempt at cycle 2. The third everyone has geared themselves up. The third time my sister has flown over from Manchester to take me up. The first week I was told 'no' I was hugely upset. Devastated. Last week I felt nothing but relief. This week I'm just a bit of a combination. I don't want to do it, but I'd rather get it over with if I have to. I feel guilty and probably a bit weak. I was pissed off. I guess I still am the next day. It feels unfair. Guess what?? Cancer is unfair. It sucks. It's hard work. 'The journey' is rarely a nice manicured path. It'll be  more likely to be a twisty, confusing path, littered with rocks. Of course there are times when I question my treatment decisions, but I said I would trust the experts and I still maintain that's the right thing to do. Apparently chemo doses often need adjusted and in a fit of spitefulness I told my sister "Glad the first chemo 'tells us so much'. Oh aye, a bit too much poison there. Glad we didn't kill you by mistake. Maybe you're not as strong as we thought. We'll maybe drop your dose a bit next time.", to which my poor sister pointed out "Or we can tailor make the dose to suit you and your requirements." A fair point. There's not much in life that's an exact science. 

As usual, I've just written a ridiculously huge amount when I could've just said My chemo didn't go ahead again yesterday. As always, it helps me work through it all when I write it down. You didn't have to read it...!! 

So chemo didn't go ahead for the third week in a row. As ever, part of me just wants to get on with it and get it done, another part of me feels nothing but relief.  I didn't sleep well last night but the reality is that it was very far from a wasted day yesterday. 

I had a scan. They've tried to lower expectations around it...... it's just a line in the sand for us, it won't tell us a huge amount more, don't expect massive revelations from it. I'm not unrealistic, but I am simply not allowing the "it might be gone!" voice to disappear completely.  I'm not expecting to be told that, but I refuse to lose hope either..... 

If nothing else, my sister and I met a lovely lady while waiting. A nurse who was waiting for her son. Just a warm soul. We enjoyed a really nice conversation and I think gave each other a wee boost.

Then I met friends! As always!! One a friend made through going to radio. A hospital staff member who had told me about a meditation app (Calm - definitely recommend!) She didn't look after me, we just met in the foyer one day. She helped me hugely at a time when I was struggling. I bought her a book to say thanks. Just a bit of kindness shown to each other, taking minimal time and energy, but having huge impacts. Another shining star along the road.

Then I got to catch up with my ward buddy and her mum. What could be better?? And she came with a bag of gifts and a card that melted my heart! For no reason, other than just to be nice. It was so great to see them. To be reminded I've got a partner in crime. We stay strong for each other. During our chat another staff member came and joined in. Someone who had helped both of us during radio. It's all about the people.

I also had my PICC line fitted.  My tap. It can be used to take blood, to put dye in for scans and for giving me the IV bit of my chemo. It's in the top of my right arm. A little uncomfortable, but not too bad. I'm just not thinking about the 38cm of cable tubing that's now in my body and sticking into a large vein in my chest. It's 100 times better than playing Gone Digging every week. I'll get used to the feeling of it being there, and will no doubt be very grateful for it at a number of points in the future. 

And finally........ weight loss....... When doing radio I gained half a stone. I was never worried by that. I have bigger fish to fry. Then I lost it. And kept losing it. Someone once asked me if I was losing it deliberately....... basically asking if I was on a diet following a bit of weight gain during radio. I believe my response was 'Erm, no, that'd be a bit stupid, wouldn't it??' This person clearly didn't know me at all....... What sort of idiot would diet during cancer treatment??? I have my priorities absolutely clear....... to get better. I don't care if the front of my hair looks like fuzzy felt or if I gain a few pounds! All reparable in future. So no, I didn't diet. But I did become a bit scared of food...... when you're given a list of foods you can't eat that includes yeast extract (what even is that???) and meat extract (no stock, gravy etc) and cheeses, it can be incredibly difficult to figure out what's ok to eat. Then it becomes a 'thing' and before you know it you feel like you're force feeding yourself and just stop enjoying food. However, I don't need a doctor to tell me what's a healthy weight. No woman wants to gain weight, but I also know that at 5 foot 7 my weight in stone shouldn't start with an 8. I also don't want size 8 clothes 'sagging at the arse'!!  So, on strict instruction of a dietitian, I'm bulking up. As she pointed out, a weak body will just not be able to cope with chemo. I don't want supplement drinks. Like an antidepressant they won't cure the issue....... I'll take them if I have to, but let's try feeding my face first?! Unlike Frampton, I won't miss my weight (although I seem to remember he was over, which would be fine for me!)......Every meal must have two courses, reintroduction of carbs, sugars, fats. Hubby is ecstatic!!! 

So what's the plan?? Well today I'm staying in bed. I'm exhausted from all the stress of yesterday, I didn't sleep well last night, I've got a headache and I'm scunnered. That's allowed for one day. Tomorrow I'm up and giving myself a kick. Hubby is off all week and it's nearly gone already. We have plans for a great walk tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. I really can't go into public at the moment due to the infection risks (anyone calling is going to end up get hosed down at the door!), but I need to be outside and get myself built up physically as well as mentally. Getting 'tour fit' yet again. Weight up, muscles built up a bit, spirits high. I've less than a week before I ride into battle again. The sooner I get this crap done, the sooner it's ended. I'm trying to rewind a bit to before surgeries..... and then before radio.......Help myself. Good food (and plenty of it!), exercise, mental strength from relaxation, strong friendships and good night's' sleep. 

Results and plans for the future can stay there..... in the future. I'm strictly on a 'take each day' diet. Xxx