The disadvantage of this sensitivity is an ability to burst into tears when looked at the wrong way ("they feel sorry for me"), mild paranoia (usually connected to feeling like a burden/chore or a duty, or a feeling of being patronised) and catastrophising (my bloods won't get done on the right day, my treatment won't get done, my sister will have travelled over for nothing, my life is going to be on hold for even longer).
On the other side, this sensitivity has allowed me to see the best in people, to open my heart and not be afraid of telling people how I feel about them. This ranges from telling dear friends every time I see them that I love them, through to almost crying when the Surgery rang me to reassure me about the bloods being organised for the right day and with the right nurse. Proof again that I'd got myself into a bit of a state over nothing....... The control freak just hasn't quite learnt how to trust others charged with my care....... The woman I spoke to from the surgery today allayed all my fears. Reassuring me it was absolutely understandable to want to be sure everything was arranged, efficiently took charge and then rang me back to confirm everything that had been done. What a difference it makes. Complete redemption. Although, in fairness, I probably hadn't really given them a chance before I got myself into a flap...... it is undoubtedly though the people like this that make things easier.
I'm trying desperately to hold onto the good aspects of the sensitivity, whilst taming the negative aspects. The 'happy drunk' can stay..... "I love you, no but I REALLY love you!" "I've always liked you. Now I know why." "I like you. You've got a good vibe to you" (usually to people only recently met...... doctors, receptionists, nurses and anyone else that crosses my path that I decide I like!) That type of sensitivity is ok..... hopefully somewhat endearing, completely heartfelt and sincere, and hopefully spreading a bit of love about.
The more negative aspects are the bits I'm working on. These are personality traits that I've always had I believe...... In particular, the "I'm not good enough..... undeserving" trait is one that needs kicked to the kerb. The other big area I'm working on is the 'calm the f*ck down' area.......!! My sister tells me off for this...... "You've jumped way ahead. You're writing a whole story without all the facts. You're way ahead of yourself." Now I'm trying to take a breath, and remind myself it'll be ok regardless. I'm getting better, though it's far from being mastered! I often have to quite literally talk myself down....... or introduce relaxation methods like meditation, breathing exercises or just reading a book. Mastering this is the only way I'll be able to get my life completely back.
The other big thing I'm trying to do at the moment is remind myself everything doesn't need to be on hold until the end of chemo, or indeed for the rest of my life. There are some things I just wouldn't be capable of yet, or be interested in doing. Going to a gig seems a long way off, but not as long as it once did. I had really hoped to be reintroduced to the music world..... Foy Vance at Custom House Square was a goal...... he's not too loud, it's outdoors, it wouldn't be too crowded with people I know. Unfortunately it's fallen within days of a chemo cycle so just isn't feasible. My next small goal (though I set these hesitantly for fear of putting pressure on myself) is Ryan Adams. We already have tickets for this one. Again, he's not generally too noisy, it's Ulster Hall and we have seats....... we'll see. No pressure, but a vague goal. Aside from gigs, what else makes up my life?? I'm hoping to go back to work in a very gentle capacity. And I've a couple of reserve ideas for if that doesn't happen. The important thing is that my brain keeps getting used. My consultant warned of the dangers of sitting at home, stagnating..... doesn't appeal to me. Plus I get bored and I need to get s better daily routine. I've always kept up a bit of walking (I'm not quite West Highland Way fit again, but over time....), I still read (although, looking back, there was a long time when even that took too much concentration..... it's when I remember stuff like that when I see how much progress has been made). Seeing friends has become an even bigger aspect to my life, and it's nice to have time to do it. I've got to know people better and formed bonds. I'm enjoying that.
Yes, my life is coming back. It's a slow, painful process, fighting ever changing physical and mental battles, but it's getting there. Nine months of chemo is too long to lie down completely. Especially not when I've lost so much time to all the other treatments and shock.
I'm 42 years old. I've got limitations, but I'm neither lazy or stupid. I'm not miserable and I don't intend to become so. Like anyone with a serious illness there are a lot of daily battles, but every success pushes me onwards. Thankfully my support network remains incredible. I have to keep a diary, I've so many visitors etc! Not something to complain about! Xxx
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