"I have a note in my diary to just ring the hospital and check everything before we set off...." and so I lifted the phone........ to be told my platelets are too low for another chemo cycle just yet. Although I fully understand it's not anyone's fault, it was like getting a kicking. I was ready. Mentally and physically. This was another bit dealt with. I had made plans around the cycle dates. I was looking forward to stuff. Not starting today messes everything up. Tears? Yes.... one or two. Quite a few really. It felt unfair. In a childish way I guess sometimes I feel like I'm doing everything I'm being told to do, but then every so often the goal posts get moved. I'd expect that's how most people going through cancer treatment, or living with cancer, feel. It's always changing. Things are fluid. It's easy to say you're fine with that, but the reality is that we all get unsettled by change, especially when it's constant and unpredictable. So I had a good cry. I despaired of the unfairness of it all. I thought about all the things I'd planned that now couldn't happen.
And then I realised that I could cry all I wanted. It wasn't going to change my platelet levels! I do find it slightly amusing that no-one can get blood out of me, yet I can't have chemo because if I were to cut myself now it wouldn't stop bleeding........ irony. So, I started to pick up the fight again. I meditated, just to get me breathing and take the edge off. Then I had an idea. Tuesday morning is my Cancer Keep Fit class........nothing to stop me going now. I grabbed sis (who never needs much persuading anyway!) and told her "You know what we're going to do now?? We're going to Cancer Keep Fit class. And then we're going out for lunch. After that I need to call into the doctors to make an appointment about my sore mouth, and to arrange for a wee game of Gone Digging on Monday again. (I have requested 'my bloods guy' and will plague a few times before Monday). After that there's a few things I need at Sainsbury's."
And off we set. Leaving the riverbank and heading into the Wild Wood....... we went to keep fit and laughed with fellow warriors. Then we went for lunch. I chose a place I haven't been in ages. I used to regularly visit with my dad when I was working locally. Having moved to Belfast, I haven't had much opportunity to visit of late. I went in and the owners asked how I was doing. The headband always gives me away so I tend to just blurt it out. Imagine my surprise when they told me their mother was battling a brain tumour? A bit different from mine and different treatment plan, but six years later this warrior, who is significantly older than me, is still around. A positive family. So much so that our drinks (of water) were brought down with straws in them so we could 'pretend they're cocktails and you're [we're] on a beach somewhere!" Such a sweet gesture that it brought a tear to my eye. Yet another lovely person who I've either met along the way, or seen in a different light.
So tonight I am relaxing. Enjoying the time I still get with my big sis. Pulling out the positives..... most of all just 'calming my jets'! I can't change this. There's nothing I can do at all. I can stress out about it and make myself feel awful. Or I can accept that these setbacks come. I can remind myself nothing has really changed...... I just get to delay feeling like complete crap for at least another week. Dead on. I'll make the most of this week then. Enjoy the fact that I've an unexpected, extra week of feeling a bit better. Son gets A-Level results on Thursday, so it'll be nice to hear them and be able to stay awake to talk to him!
Meant to be. I'm not totally cool about it, of course I'm not. It's upset me, but I'm ok. My body isn't ready for cycle 2. In the bigger scheme it's a week or two. And isn't it better for them to be cautious, rather than battering on and having me bleed like a stuck pig from a paper cut?? Xxx
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