Spring in the air......

After a ‘big day’ on Thursday, I had promised myself a quieter day yesterday....... But then I woke up full of ideas and energy! After 13 months of being unwell, it’s hard to fight against a newfound lust for life! I’m eating well, sleeping well (for no more than 3 hours at a time, but very solidly while I’m under!) and am both physically and mentally in a great place. So I cleaned the house and even did a solo run into town.

Rather than sitting around waiting for disaster, I’m very much now ‘learning to live with.....’ My next scan is in 3 months. To date the tumour is smaller and not unhappy with me...... I’m respecting it, whilst refusing to be intimidated by it.

I’m building life back up. Gently and in a stress free way. More fluid, a bit less organised...... but just a little more structure than there’s been for a while.

Starting with a bit of a Spring clean, I’m now the proud owner of 5 shiny new notebooks and have been busy filling them with information, thoughts, ideas, plans...... There’s a work one, a home one, a health one, one for my sisters wedding...... Instead of everything being randomly scribbled in the same notebook, I’ve now introduced just a little order. Just enough. My inner geek rejoices!

I’m putting a bad 13 months behind me and starting afresh. Today was spent literally gutting my wardrobe. I think I’m left with about 20% of the clothes/shoes/bags etc that I previously had.  But what’s left is all freshly laundered and hung neatly (grouped and organised....). Just enough structure and order, but not too much....... I have also carefully injected lots of colour! The blacks and greys and navy’s have been replaced by purples and greens and blues. 

Spring has sprung in this house! The next stage of the journey........ Living with...... So far it’s a great section of the road. Xxx

Don’t flatter yourself..... you’re just a stat!

Always reassuring to know you’re not alone in being poisoned simply because of a lack of money, care and thought, combined with a creaky system....... 

I’m officially a statistic.......🤦🏻‍♀️  Though at least I’ve been lucky enough to be left with no permanent damage from it............Thanks to tenacious and dedicated doctors and nurses in Causeway Hospital (both in the Rehab Wards and Macmillan Teams).......

Great to see all the politicians rushing to sort it out....... God knows, this guy ain’t no use to us......... 

Here’s a radical thought!........ what we really need are some local politicians that have a handle on things......... You know? Some mature ones that understand what’s actually important to those they are supposed to represent and advocate for?

Oh god, we’re all doooooooomed!! 🙄🙈 I’m off to chain myself to Stormont gates......

<As usual, all views my own>

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-43161929

Titanium!

Massively full and exciting day today! I’m exhausted now but will try to summarise today’s accomplishments.......

Firstly I managed to attend a RVH hospital appointment, without any nerves, tears or drama. I felt strong and I left with answers to everything I’d asked. My only very slight wobble was in a lift (there’s one in the old building that has very bad juju for me...... seriously......), but it was a ripple of mild anxiety and I was able to talk to hubby about it and stop there being any panic or drama. In control.

Then I went to into work and was further reminded why I remain passionate about working in an amazing organisation, full of some very special people. I left feeling excited at the prospect of getting back into my working life more fully again. 

My day ended with a homecoming to a box filled full of Lush! goodies for long, relaxing baths! (A gift from me to me...... and I’m good at picking gifts haha!) Plus a lovely thank you letter from the Consultant and her fabulous Ward colleagues that looked after me in Causeway (I’d sent them in thank you hampers). I’m trying to work out how to stop myself getting into a ‘thank you for your thank you’ thank you spiral!! But isn’t it nice when we all just take a moment to appreciate each other?

I spent this evening sending messages to a few people, just doing exactly that. Saying thank you. Appreciating people. Because I genuinely do appreciate each and everyone one of you that has shown me love and support over the past 13 months. 

You’ve backed the right horse....... thank you for the faith. Xxx

Who Am I now...... a year on?

My original blog post ‘Who Am I?’ remains my most read. In it, I defined myself in terms of home and work. So, one year on...... who am I now?

Honestly, I’m pretty much still just Trish. Except I’m a Trish with complete clarity about what and who is important in my life. I’m a Trish who doesn’t worry too much about things!

Home

I’m still a wife and mother. We are all so relieved to be through such a horrible year, and are spending loads of quality time and just enjoying each other’s company.

I’m still a rocker! I’ll have to be a bit more careful about gigs as I can get over sensitised by noise/lights/crowds, but I’m getting ready to start dipping my toe into that world again (ear defenders in hand...) 

I’ve got until May to acclimatise........ We have a charity rock gig planned in aid of Macmillan (‘Triciafest’ anyone??...!), with 5 local bands all generously giving their time. Should be a great night! And just to make it totally perfect, my sister is getting married during the day! 

So it’ll be a day of celebrations with family and friends, and an evening of celebrations, fun and music with family and friends! And all while gathering in money for the charity that helped save my life. Perfect!! 

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/triciafest

Work

I remain shamelessly committed to PSNI. An organisation that so often gets a difficult time....... no organisation is perfect, and as public servants (particularly given the context of NI) it’s right that there’s a strong accountability framework......... I still believe it is a good organisation that holds true to its core values and I believe the current leadership team are committed to moving policing forward. I believe it is happening, and am frustrated by the impact of political indecision and immaturity. 

Please note!...... This is personal opinion...... I’m not speaking for the organisation.

I’m still passionate about policing, and looking forward to properly getting involved in working life again. I want to do a good job and I believe I have skills that can make me a useful assistance to police officers ‘on the ground’. I am not, however, hell bent on career or promotion anymore. I will never be a slave to the grind again. 

I want to do a good job, make a difference, pay my bills, and spend my down time hiking, out in nature, enjoying reading, and having fun! 

So, who am I now?? I’m the best version of ‘me’ I’ve ever been! Physically I’m slightly weaker, but only slightly; 

I’m too skinny (but working on it....... successfully........ I don’t think I could ever adequately explain what it’s like to start enjoying food again after a year of what often felt like ‘force feeding’).

I use a walking stick. It’s ‘just in case’ and I’m relaxed by it. Using a security blanket is better than falling over!

I have some slight nerve damage from surgery and perhaps the odd neurological ‘twitch’. It’s slight and I’ve been assured not too noticeable...... rarely a day goes by that I don’t miss my mouth or spill something, but that strikes me as a very small price. Sometimes the odd stammer or facial twitch, but nothing dramatic.

Sometimes it can take me a bit longer to process things. Especially if I’m tired or feel like I’m being pressured. I’m learning to just step away from situations where I feel like this. I go easy on myself.

I have a very definite scar and indent on my head. Battle wounds. I’m not bothered by them.

I still have a bit of a pesky brain tumour. But it’s a lot smaller than it used to be and is currently on best behaviour. I don’t think about it too much and I don’t sit around awaiting another disaster. It’s a bit weird to know it’s there sometimes, but I don’t feel anxiety over it.

I am still the luckiest unlucky girl in the world. The last 14 months have been unbelievable, terrifying, heart breaking, nerve wracking and horrible for my family and I ........ yet we have been left with an affirmation of life and what’s important. A new attitude, with priorities completely sorted out and feeling relaxed and happy. We have made bonds and seen and done things that will change us forever, in a positive way. We are intensely and annoyingly happy, positive and full of zest for life!

Who am I now?? I’m Trish....... the one who loves life!

Xxx

Science and shopping!

I’ve had the best day! Tonight’s blog could be a long one!!

This morning hubby and I went to Belfast to an Open Day at the Centre for Cancer Research and Cell Biology at QUB (in the City Hospital grounds). Set up by the late, well known and respected Patrick Johnston, the things we heard about simply blew me away. I only knew him by reputation, but what a legacy to have left behind!

We listened to some short presentations about some of the amazing research and trials being done there in relation to breast, bowel and prostate cancer. It was so heartening!! My experience of the Belfast Trust has very much been a ‘siloed approach’, with each person doing their bit and then throwing you on to the next. They talk about a Multi Disciplinary Team, but I’ve never seen much evidence of it in my case. So to hear a group of people talk about, and give examples of, the importance of ‘moving away from set disciplines’ and ‘working on cancer as a whole’ was completely refreshing and reassuring to my ears! 

Not just throwing pills at things...... really doing to research. Looking at the patients, gathering a vast range of data, and not being afraid to look at things like food and exercise and lifestyle....... both in a cause and cure context. 

‘Better outcomes’. ‘Fresh ideas’.  Each speaker was clearly impassioned about the part they can play. It was dynamic and exciting and I had to stop myself from jumping off my seat at one stage and shouting “An analyst could help you with that!! I’ll do it! Send me the raw data and I’ll do it for free! Let me help!” 

Collaborative working! Students and academics and researchers and scientists and nurses and oncologists and private industry........ all working together towards the ultimate goal of improving outcomes for those with cancer.  No-one looking down on anyone else. Everyone readily contributing their expertise and skills, and taking an interest in that being contributed by others. Big brains, getting together and thinking big thoughts!

We also had a tour of the labs. We saw live prostate cancer cells under a microscope....... quite pretty....... like snowflakes or ice crystallising........ The brain tumour ones, in contrast, were horrid! Wormy looking, like when they opened up the dalek head in Dr Who...... parasitic looking....... yikes! I did ask if they could find mine as I know I had samples sent for DNA testing etc, but confidentiality stuff means they can’t match exact samples to a name within the lab. It was kind of weird standing in a lab filled with samples, looking at live brain tumour cells under a microscope and knowing they could be yours, or that yours could be stored elsewhere in the room! Weird, a bit cool, mostly weird. When I saw how ugly they were I decided I was grateful not to be able to see my own!! This way, I can imagine mine don’t look like that....... mine aren’t wiggling about like the Ebola cells Dustin Hoffman looks at in the film ‘Outbreak’, mine are making pretty shapes like crackling frost on spring leaves. 

I’m still buzzing with nerdy excitement 6 hours later! 

With 7,500 new cancer diagnosises in Northern Ireland every year, this is the way forward! I feel like gathering up all our Stormont Ministers that are wasting time bickering over nonsense, and making them see what they should be spending their time doing! Work together! Respect each other! GAH!! I’m enthused and excited and frustrated all at once! 

If you see a skinny girl, with a ‘young Jamie Lee Curtis’style hair do, chained to the gates of Stormont in the next few weeks, it’s probably me....... come say hi!!

Fresh from this blast of energy, I did what sometimes just needs to be done........ I went shopping! Poor hubby would begrudge me nothing at the moment and trotted around with me, with a smile on his face, carrying the bags.

First up....... make up. I never wore much during the day anyway, but haven’t worn any for over a year now. This morning I’d decided to put some on, only to find it’d all dried up. So off to Benefit we went...... I replaced my entire daily needs...... tinted moisturiser, cheek tint, blush, mascara, eyebrow tinter...... Not the cheapest trip I’ve ever had, but not extortionate, and I think deserved!

I got some clothes...... again, nothing extortionate, but a few nice, comfortable, good quality items. Why should a girl not feel comfy and pretty after a tough year??

Some stationary (the nerd is always there...... gonna be working, gonna be treating myself to highlighters and notebooks and stuff!)

Finally........ I made hubby put a ring on it again........ I haven’t worn my wedding or engagement rings for over a year. At the start because I was in hospitals etc, and then just because I was scared of losing them. This morning I went to put them on but they’re far too big. I don’t want to resize them while I’m still resizing the rest of me........ the ‘heroin chic’ look should be left to Kate Moss........ I’m not planning on staying 7 stone 4, with purple needle bruises still all up my arms...... So my rings can stay until I’m levelled out, weight wise. In the meantime though, now that I’m back out and about, I feel a bit naked without them. So poor hubby was dragged to Links of London in House of Fraser, and for a modest amount, I have obtained a simple but pretty silver ring, with a sparkly crystal centre, and he has obtained my hand in marriage for the second time in 22 years. Lucky, lucky man hahaha!! 

I am home exhausted, but envigorated and happy and as ever full of a love for life I’m not sure I could ever adequately describe. In short..... I feel physically and mentally fantastic, and I’m happy. Plus I’ve hadPizza Express ;)

Life is good. Xxx

Blogversary

Tomorrow marks one year since the first blog entry! Where has the time gone?? I’m still not entirely sure what made me start it, but from day one of this ‘adventure’ I’ve felt an overwhelming need to write. 

The blog has ended up serving a number of functions..... 

1. It gets things out of my head. Writing it down means I have to think it all out and make sense of what’s going on. For me, it’s a useful process that stops thoughts spiralling away from me. Writing the blog makes me take time to reflect and gently  ‘press the bruises’ to see how they feel.
2. It allows friends and family to check in. There are people who I know regularly check it rather than bombard me with questions. 
3. It shares my story and experiences with others. Feedback has been positive, with fellow patients, their families and others telling me it has helped them understand they’re not alone, what they might expect, and also provided some hope and a few laughs among the way.

I still feel somewhat amazed that anyone reads it, but feel pretty humbled that they do. I hope it helps people; be it by sharing a bit of information, positivity or happiness.

The past year has been completely mad! It’s put us through every emotion known. At some points it has been the worst and most terrifying year of my life. And yet I find myself a year on, a changed and enriched person. I know who and what are/is important in life. I understand the simple pleasures and feel awakened by life and the people and world around me. 

I know we all rhyme off all the stuff about grabbing life etc, but trust me when I say it’s all true! You don’t know when it’ll change. Grab life. Keep your eyes and mind open to those around you....... take time to notice people. Same goes for the natural world around you. There is beauty everywhere. Don’t let the Wide World suck you in completely........ always take time to go back to the Riverbank. Xxx

One year stats to feed your inner nerd!

• Total posts - 204 (average of 17/ month)
• Total views - 47,532 (an average of 130 views per day)
• 95% of readers are based in the UK or Ireland.
• 77% view on phones....... I wonder how many meetings I have helped you through..... haha ;)
• The most read posts are  “Who am I?” ( seems like a sensible place to start!), followed by “I made you a promise” and “Finally I sleep” (terrible title in hindsight...... sorry about that!)

I will keep blogging while you guys keep reading. Is there a book in me? Honestly, I’d like to try, but am not sure what it’d look like. Plus of course all the usual self doubts we all experience when thinking about trying such things....... Although it’s fair to say  I listen to self doubt less than I used to now!

Thanks for the continued support, understanding and interest. Now go and embrace life........ it’s good!! Xxx

Energy levels: full!

I can probably safely be removed from the charger for a while........ battery full! 

It really only took a few days out of hospital to start feeling re-energised. By the time I was home a week, I felt better than I have in over a year! I’m being sensible about things, but I also want to enjoy the high spirits when I have them! 

I had a busy Saturday; I reckon I managed to spend almost 2 months wages in one day...... yikes! But hey, we didn’t over extend and sofas for both the front and back rooms were totally justified!! And as for lunch in the Wine Bar?? Haven’t been able to do that since the end of 2016, and boy it tasted good!! It’s so good to actually be able to enjoy food again. Now that I’m not on the drug that was making me toxic, I have my appetite back, can actually taste food, and am not afraid to eat! I’m still down to 7 stone 4, but I suspect this is a very temporary issue now!! Although I’m trying to be measured about food too - I might’ve spent two months wages in one day...... eating 2 months food in one day may be a bad idea! 

I also appear to have become a master of online shopping......! There’s just 

So

Much

Stuff

!!!!

I don’t think I was ever a particularly materialistic person..... I don’t need the best of the best and have no interest in ‘keeping up with the Jones’’, but I’ll admit to thoroughly enjoying spontaneous shopping sprees of late! Oftentimes it can be random gifts for others too. A scary experience can make you very grateful to those who’ve shown you kindness, plus it’s allows you empathy with others and a better understanding of things that might help someone else in a bad place. And then there’s the wedding..........!!

My sister is getting married in May. In her usual, generous way, she has made it all about others and is holding it locally (despite living in England) to accommodate me and our dad. The guest list is basically split 3 ways. Initially I was uncomfortable about that....... she’s given up so much of her time to me this past year, the last thing I wanted was for her wedding day to become about me, rather than about her. I thought I’d be the worst Matron of Honour ever, due to my inability to drive and my dodgy memory. Amazing what you can do when you set your mind to it!! A phone, the internet and notebook to write everything in, combined with practically a free reign to encourage my inner quirkiness has led me into a flurry of wedding planner madness........ and I’m loving every second of it!! My sister is the best! She’s selflessly allowed her big day to become about helping me, thanking others and has given our whole family plus some close friends a happy event to look forward to. 

As ever, friends continue to call, visit and message. My new found energy is, I hope, also healing some of the trauma experienced by those unfortunate enough to see me at my worst in hospital. 

Life is good. So I’m letting it be good. I’m not sitting around, waiting for another disaster. I’m enjoying how I feel but keeping half a lid on it........ new sofas, meals out and quirky weddings......... but no Round the World cruises or mad house moves! Xxx

Be not afraid to celebrate

Sometimes I fear celebrating good news for fear of a skudd...... But you’ve got to be able to take the good and give a wee leap every so often! No progression? That means the bit they cut out hasn’t grown back. It’s nowhere near the size it was and is behaving! That’s the best outcome we could’ve had!! There’s a bit left....... but only a bit. I think we’re allowed to be happy!! 

No progression

Neurology appointment today. Confirmation scans show no tumour progression after surgery. What they took away is staying away. So hopefully now we go back to living together in harmony like we did for years.......

I’ll not be doing anything to make it cross again......... I really wish I knew what that was....... i have theories.......

- Doing too much

- Stress and tiredness

- Weather - A weird one I know, but ‘heavy’ weather gives me headaches like someone is leaning on my brain. About to be a storm? About to snow? You know when the sky just goes dark? That gets mirrored inside my head. I can’t change the weather, but I can go to bed and let it pass.

- Vaping. I’ve never done it but cannot be around anyone who is. It gives me a headache that would make me cry. There’s nothing good in those things. The research will show it in future, trust me....

Feeling better than I have for a year, completely excited at prospect of sister’s wedding, happy, loved and feeling very awakened and appreciative. Grabbing life! Xxx

Weddings, gigs and happiness

Last year, a friend who plays in a rock covers band approached me and offered to play a free gig for me in aid of any charity that had helped me out.  I knew a guy who was happy to provide a venue and plans started to take shape.  I approached a couple of other bands who were happy to generously give their time.  Then a few others offered too.  Triciafest was born......!!

To add to the perfection, my sister is now getting married on the same day, so the gig will be part charity event/ part wedding party!  The gig is not a private function and the venue is small so I recommend buying tickets in advance if you plan on coming along.

Initially the gig was going to be for Action Cancer and Cancer Focus NI, both very worthy charities, however, given recent events, it seemed only right it should be for Macmillan.

Tickets are available at wegottickets.com  If you can't or don't want to attend but wish to make a donation to Macmillan, there is a Just Giving page set up justgiving.com/fundraising/triciafest

The year might've started on the wrong foot, but I always said 2018 was our year!!  xxx

False advertising

The profile picture for this blog is now just completely false advertising....... it always was if I’m honest....... the ‘cartoon me’ has always been much cuter than the real one! The one accuracy was the long, flame red hair (not a natural phenomenon I’ll admit, but that was the colour).

Brain surgery leaves a scar. Hopefully a neat one like mine (running blanket stitch my surgeon maintains!), but a scar none the less. I chose not to shave my head prior to surgery. On the advice of the surgeon, who promised to take as little hair as necessary, and advised leaving it long would make it easier covered up after. That was true...... until radiotherapy.

Radio to the head can take hair. Entry and exit wounds....... In my case it simply pushed my hairline back by around 3 inches. Male pattern baldness with a massively receding hairline. Again, I chose not to go for the big shave. The thought of clippers anywhere near my tender, eggshell scalp makes me judder, even now. 

I watched a couple of other patients (now friends) brave the shave, and gets wigs. Both looked (and still do look) amazing! I stuck with thick hairbands and hats. Keeping the length at the back and covering the offending bit. Pretending. 

The good thing about losing hair through radio is that it usually grows back. I was lucky and mine started to pretty quickly. It didn’t even grow back grey!! One or two rogue strands, but mostly a rich, dark brown that, after dying my hair since I was 15 years old, I had no idea was under there!

My grow-back style was questionable though....... very much an ‘80s mullet look, Billy Ray Cyrus could’ve been my twin...... It grew at different rates, meaning a pixie cut wasn’t an option.

Yesterday one of my best friends took me to the hairdresser again. We discussed cutting it all up short. She was a little apprehensive as it was all different lengths, telling me to prepare for a ‘wee boy haircut’, rather than a ‘pixie cut’. Halfway through the cutting, I was watching my funky new crop take shape and I started to cry with happiness. I said to her “I knew this’d be cool! You’re looking at it now and you know it’s quite funky. I can see it in your face, you’re glad you did this!” She admitted this was true and that, whilst she’d known it’d be cool, it was turning out better than she’d imagined it would. That’s not a ‘wee boy haircut, that’s a strong woman haircut!’

Later a good friend likened me to a young Jamie Lee Curtis....... I wish I had her body too!!! She was being generous, but I’m really pleased with my funky new look...... sometimes it’s just the wee things....... 

This morning I have woken up much less Jamie Lee Curtis, and much more ‘cheeky monkey’! But it feels good! 

Today I’m having a duvet day. I’ve been running at 100mph the past 4 days and am mildly nervous ahead of a neurologist appt on Thursday. I’ll potter about with a few things and have a Hospice worker calling to visit (that’s a lesson I’ve learnt this year too....... Macmillan and Hospice help doesn’t mean you’re about to ‘turn your toes up’. Palliative means help for people with incurable conditions, not just ‘end of life’ care. Engage early - they’re brilliant!) Other than that I will patiently wait for all the online shopping I’ve been doing to start to arrive! Wedding goodies for my sisters big day in May, presents for people, treats for me......... there’s been some spending done!

I don’t think I’ve felt as physically well for a year....... funnily, not since they started giving me phenytoin...... I’m reigning in the horse that wants to canter off down the beach, but I’m also embracing the new found energy and zest for life! Xxx

PING!!

Where’s the off switch??.....

After a couple of unsettled days when I first got home, feeling a bit anxious and overwhelmed, I turned a corner. Now I’m a ball of energy. No nervous or unhealthy energy....... quite the opposite. 

I have done a crazy amount of stuff using my brain in the past couple of days....... I am eating like a horse and am generally feeling really good. Now I’m making sure to keep the horse on a tight reign....... before she gallops off to change the world........! 

Be the tortoise, be the tortoise, be the tortoise........!! Don’t run so fast your feet can’t keep up! No more falling down. Thankfully I now have a 3 visit a day care plan, which ensures I have someone here to help me safely get up, showered and fed without the risk of falling in a heap. The girls are lovely and it’s going well so far. I’m being supported and I’m accepting the help being offered. Accepting it’s ok to need it for a while. 

Causeway Cares. Very different to my Big Smoke experience.

Gently, unhurriedly, trying to change the world slightly for the best, planning (and hijacking) my sister’s wedding, eating, gently getting back on my feet....... that’s enough to keep me going for a few weeks. 

Just time to fit in a pixie cut (finally! Let’s get this weird 80’s mullet sorted) tomorrow, and even nails and eyebrows on Friday. All getting me ready to deal with a neurology appt on Thursday.

Watch out world........ she’s back!

*shakes head (gently), and softly scolds myself...... Tortoise, tortoise, tortoise......

Getting productive.......

Today has been a turnaround day for me. A better night’s sleep and a reduction in anxiety levels allowed me to wake up feeling much better rested. I have had a very productive day, starting work  to ensure no other family ever have to go through what we just did. Then my sister helped me have the best bath/shower I’ve ever had, before an afternoon spent watching Rocky 3 with my brother in law (gotta love a good fight film....!)

Now back to rest and relaxation. Steady as she goes xxxx

There’s no place like home......

.....which is where I am!! I can think of nothing else but sleeping in my own bed. I’m in it already! News, maybe a quick read, and then sleep...... 

The past 4 weeks have been the most traumatic, terrifying and disturbing of my life. Even more distressing to me is that friends and family had to go through it too. 

We’ve got through it. And I’m hugely grateful to the fantastic team at Causeway that picked up on what was happening and saved my life.  Not to mention the care, support and friendships from nursing staff. I’m home and everyone is ok, if a little tired and emotional. 

Time for some rest and recovery xxx

Another 2 days

Another 2 days spent keeping me alive........ stopping me from having another massive seizure of from going into status epilepticus. Days spent trying to sleep but not too deeply. Keeping my head in the exact position to prevent additional pressure and fitting. Sweating in bed, scared to move. Breathing deeply to minimise panic attacks. Trying to get up without falling over and/or throwing up. Forcing myself to get up to use the bathroom, but having to hold on to hubby to get there. Keeping a dish close for the inevitable start of uncontrollable vomiting at the slightest head movement. 

A team effort of me, family and hospital staff. I wish it were later in the morning but hopefully at 3am I’m through the worst..... out of the danger zone again.

The trauma levels attached to what has happened to us over the past year are becoming huge. It’s going to take a lot of counselling to get over the initial unexpected seizure and diagnosis, the awake brain surgery, the poisoning, the seizures........

I am exhausted. Physically and mentally. As are my family and friends.

Stop the world, I want to get off. Get me home to my own bed, covers over the head for a while. This is unfair for any family to have to go through. 

But look...... another battle won. It tried to take me again and it didn’t. It was a tough fight though. 

Today I go home. To rest. To take to my bed and let myself recover from two more ‘near death’ experiences. Mentally and physically. 

I’m praying to the weather gods and am planning to move at snail speed...... when I move........ which will be no further than from bed to en suite and back.

Fighting this brain tumour (not to mention the medications, which I sometimes feel may be the bigger issue) is hard work. I am harnessing my inner Thor, but hoping the tumour will agree with me that we should just try to get along with each other and stop fighting each other so much. All I want it to do is just have a wee rest....