Yuanfen

“Yuanfen - the mysterious force that causes two lives to cross paths.”

What a great word! I’m pretty certain I’ve benefitted from some yuanfen quite a few times. When I discovered this word recently, one friend in particular immediately sprang to mind. 

This friend is just a wonderful human being. She’s funny and kind and someone I can be completely myself with. She’s an amazing mum and grannie, who generously gives her time and energy to her family and friends, without ever expecting anything in return. She also works in a care environment, giving yet more time and energy to those who need it most.

She is someone I met through our jobs. We spent some brilliant years sharing an office, along with another great friend. We remain firm friends and both of them have shown their true, vibrant and beautiful, colours to me many times. 

When I was first diagnosed and going through treatment I had some fairly dark days. I used to joke with my friend that she must be psychic, because she always seemed to appear when I needed her most, without me saying a word. That hasn’t changed. She always seems to pop up when I need a friend. We go out for cuppas and often indulge in ‘a wee half n half’, when we get a scone and a bun and split them between the two of us. When the weather is nice we go for walks and ocean toe dips. We have a friendship that involves complete trust, and I cherish our get togethers. Being friends with her is easy. There’s never any risk of misunderstandings or bad feeling. There’s no competition or put downs. It’s all about lifting each other up and celebrating each other’s triumphs. What a special relationship to have.

Today we met up for a cuppa and a wee half n half, and she told me something that yet again enforced my belief that we were meant to become friends………... Recently her job caring for others took her into a hospital environment. Whilst there she found herself in need of somewhere to change her clothes. She was directed to a room, she opened the door………and found herself unexpectedly in The Riverbank Relatives Room! She told me that initially she thought somebody else had copied our idea, but as she admired the wall murals, she spotted one of our unique features…… the bride and groom that represent my sister and brother-in-law, who so generously asked for donations to our fundraising in lieu of wedding presents. She knew then with certainty that she was in our room. She was one of the many people who contributed to making the room a reality. She has given both money and time to help with the Triciafest gig, and has been unwavering in her support since we began the project in 2019. 

As she told me of her serendipitous visit to the Riverbank Relatives Room, my heart almost burst with joy and pride. To hear of the room being used was joyous, but the fact that the person using it is one of my favourite people in the whole world, verged on being surreally perfect. 

Sometimes I feel like we are joined by invisible thread. 

Serendipity, fate, destiny, yuenfen….. whatever you call it, some people are just meant to be friends.

Staying lucky

Today has been a strange day. In some ways troubling, yet in other ways joyous. I’m not really clear how I feel about it all, so I’m writing the feelings out of me because that always seems to help me process things when the rollercoaster starts to make me feel a bit dizzy.

Three times today I’ve been very clearly reminded that life is precious and short……. Through watching someone I love deteriorate before our eyes, learning of someone’s untimely death from cancer , and then being reminded of another recent death of a young man from a brain tumour. This is life, I understand that, but sometimes it’s just sad and frightening. 

On the flip side of that, I spent a very productive hour this afternoon preparing goodie bags for this year’s gig in aid of Macmillan Cancer Support. It’s not far away now….. 2nd October…… and the preparations are in full flow. The t-shirts are ordered, the raffle prizes are in, tickets have gone like hot cakes; both for the gig and also now the raffle tickets are starting to steadily sell too. I don’t expect to bring in as much as we did in previous years, simply because our capacity is likely to be limited due to Covid regulations, and a lot of people are broke after being furloughed or maybe even lost their job completely. Realistically we’ll still do well and I know the charity will be grateful for it and will put it to good use to help local cancer patients and their families. Not to mention the joy of bringing together a group of like minded and decent people, to enjoy live music and help remind each other there’s still good times to be had and good things to be involved in, despite a pandemic. Coming together as a team to help a charity that does so much good for those being impacted by an illness that affects one in two people in the UK, is a momentous and humbling thing. I feel very grateful to have my name attached to it.

So very much a mixed day. I’m going to bed with a book in my hand that I very much hope will make me smile. The author is best known for writing and starring in a comedy sitcom on tv. I hope she writes a book as well as she writes a script and delivers the lines! 

As hoped, writing my feelings has helped me understand them a bit better. I’m sad that life is cruel to some people, whilst also being grateful for all the good fortune I have had and continue to have. I’m especially grateful for the love I’m surrounded by. I’m sorry for those who aren’t as lucky as me, but I’m glad our wee team can do small things that might help.

Living with xxx

People are……

The Doors song tells us “people are strange, when you’re a stranger”. That can certainly be true sometimes, but sometimes people can be kind when you’re a stranger. I’ve certainly met my fair share of kind strangers over the years, and I hope that I sometimes pay that kindness forward to other strangers. It’s not much to do really, is it? After all, to quote another song, “we’re just all lost souls, swimming in a fish bowl”.

In the last few days I’ve met a few kind strangers…… there was the lady who complimented a photo I put on a social media page of Bad Eddie’s shipwreck in Donegal. She thanked me for sharing it and even said she’d pay for a print of it! I explained it was just an iPhone snap and that the weather had been so good it would’ve been impossible to take a bad photo! I private messaged her all the photos I’d taken of this beautiful location. Her response was to tell me she had tears in her eyes at what she classed as my kindness. It was nothing but a few snapshots, but to this stranger it seems it meant a lot. Her response was absolutely wonderful. Heart warming.

Then another kind soul appeared. Hubby and I received a message from a friend to tell us a guy we didn’t know had donated a guitar as a prize for the raffle we run as part of our annual charity music gig for Macmillan Cancer Support. To add to the kindness, our friend is getting it signed by a number of internationally known musicians! Another amazing prize to add to the list. It sounds so fake to say it’s humbling, but I can’t think of a better word to describe the generosity of those who’ve donated prizes….. many of whom have been virtual strangers.

This morning I wasn’t with a stranger and I wasn’t a lost soul or swimming in a fish bowl. I was a contented soul, swimming in a huge ocean, with a dear friend, watching the sunrise. 

The 5am start was more than worth it!! The day continued as it began….. with beauty and peaceful joy. After the sunrise dip, hubby and I went for a drive around the beautiful coastline we are so fortunate to live near. 

People can undoubtedly be strange when you’re a stranger, but they can also be kind and generous and soul warming. 

There are wonderful, life affirming experiences and people out there, we only need to keep our eyes and minds open wide enough to see them.

Living with……

Relaxing by the sea

A week off work. What a joy!! I’m lucky to still genuinely like my job, but a break is always good. 

The adventuring began with a visit to The Gobbins Cliff Path with hubby, my sister and brother in law. I’ve been before, but I’ll admit I’d forgotten I’m not the girl I was back then……it was tough going. My calf muscles cried for a few days after, but they didn’t scream, just a wee yeeouch on stairs! More importantly, I did it!! That shows a lot of progress re what my body can do, especially as it was a very warm day. I didn’t see dolphins this time, but I felt great about doing it, and the sea air took away the beginnings of a cold/hay fever, so it was all good.

The following day saw more excitement….. Finally! Finally, finally, finally, Covid restrictions relaxed enough to let us go on our long awaited short break to Donegal. Three nights in a nice hotel, with hubby’s birthday on day two. Unfortunately he had to do all the driving while I wait for common sense to prevail at the DVA……. or at least until they read my request for a review, alongside the supporting letter from my Neurologist.

Our short  break came at just the right time. I think we both needed it. Marble Hill is more remote than we realised, but that’s perhaps no bad thing. I was able to get a short dip almost as soon as we arrived. It was very shallow, but the water was far warmer than I’m used to. Unfortunately there was even more scare mongering about jellyfish….. we get enough in Portrush, but at Marble Hill there was talk of little else!! I pretty much ignored the chatter and enjoyed my time in the sea with no sightings. I commented to hubby when I came out that I hadn’t seen any of the offending beasties and that I’d wish people would shut up about them because it took away some of the enjoyment and relaxation…… I essentially implied it was a whole fuss over nothing…..

Later that evening we took a walk along the beach I’d swum at and GAH!! It seems they were there after all! Thankfully I mustn’t have bothered them, so they didn’t bother me either.

We spent the next few days exploring and enjoying the area. The beaches are stunning and I got my second dip further round Sheephaven Bay, at Downings. It was just as stunning as I remembered from last year, and we even managed to dodge the rain showers!

We carried on adventuring and shower dodging and had a lovely time to ourselves. Ards Friary was an unexpected treat. Such a shame the currents are too strong to allow swimming, but the views are spectacular and we had a wonderful walk.

Now we’re home. It was great to get a break but it’s always the best feeling to get back to our own home. The dog is delighted to have us home. Unfortunately we just missed big son, who’s away to a birthday party. Thankfully we then get a short time with him before he heads off to The Hague to study a Masters. So excited for him!! Tonight though I’m more excited about my own bed :)

I’m due a scan anytime now, but I’m expecting Covid delays. I wish they’d hurry up, not least because the warm weather brings veins up better, so the sooner they do it, the less likelihood of too much of the usual painful poking and prodding! 

Triciafest gig plans continue, with a scheduled date of 2nd October. We’ve got some very impressive raffle prizes as always, and the t-shirts pre-sale is going pretty well. Who’d have thunk I’d have my own Fest?? It still makes me cringe and laugh all at once, but the fact is that it brings in a lot of money for Macmillan Cancer Support in NI, and if I have to be a bit embarrassed then that’s a small price to pay.

We’re now exactly 1,651 days post grand mal seizure, and here I am. I generally feel well. Granted there are niggles, but I certainly don’t feel like what I’d have imagined a grade 3 cancer patient would feel like. I remain loved and supported, especially by a wonderful husband…..  I remain the luckiest unlucky girl in the world. 

Living with….

Plans, plans, plans

It’s been a long 18 months!! Covid restrictions began early last year and here in backward wee Northern Ireland, we’re still behind the curve with “freedom day” as Boris the Buffoon calls it! 

Maybe it’s no bad thing that we’re easing restrictions at a slower pace, though it’d be nice to know it was a deliberate act by a unified local Assembly, rather than simply because the folks on the hill still can’t agree on anything…..ever :( 

Either way, we remain a bit locked down, beautifully aided by all the fools who choose to ignore the science and risk us going into yet another tidal wave of infections. You know them…..the anti vaxxer, anti masker, ‘they’re tracking us’ brigade! The irony of their protestations is painful.

Regardless, we are easing out of lockdown and it’s great to finally see some light……..not to mention some long awaited fun times!! Between next month and the end of the year we have three short breaks planned. Donegal, Jersey and Edinburgh. All reschedules of reschedules and all anticipated with huge excitement. We need a break! Especially now, as the thermometers rise to levels Northern Irish people generally associate with active volcanoes in far off lands.

I keep forgetting this blog is supposed to be about my cancer journey, not politics, the weather, or sea swimming (though roll on Sunday morning!!) So where are we with that pesky tumour?? 

Nothing much to report really. I remain in a monitoring schedule. I was due a scan this month, but I’m expecting delays due to Covid. Such a shame not to make the most of the semi-decent veins I now have due to the heat! I can actually see a few that I think would work for the MRI contrast dye and that’s a very rare and precious sight, let me tell you.

Unfortunately my driving licence renewal was refused this year. Of course they don’t tell you why but I’m assuming it’s a arbitrary decision made on the basis that my Neurologist diagnosed me with epilepsy in October. This was time of very high stress for me due to a very close family member spiralling into dementia, combined with a crappy time at work.  I experienced a few very mild tingles, had my medication increased by a minimal amount (which, upon questioning, the Neurologist reassured me remained well within normal prescribing levels). I don’t believe he actually told me the diagnosis that he subsequently sent to my GP, and he definitely didn’t tell me not to drive. So after 10 months of merrily driving away, it came time to apply for my new annual medical licence, and it was declined. I only found out why by speaking to my GP. My Neurologist is yet to respond to my queries. Very annoying and horribly unfair particularly on my long suffering husband, who is back to being chief taxi driver and general sorter outer! Hopefully only for a short time though…….common sense would say I should be able to reapply successfully in October, when I will be another year seizure free. Sure what else do I have to do with my time other than listen to preprogrammed phone menus as I try to speak to someone who can help……or even just any real person!

If I could drive right now I reckon I’d be in the sea. Instead I’m lounging in my back room with the patio doors open, watching the birds devour the seed I just put out for them. Ach sure, it’s not a bad aul life really. Give it 2 months and hopefully I’ll be driving to this year’s Triciafest gig in aid of Macmillan in NI, while waxing lyrical about our trips to Donegal and Jersey!!

Know what that is?? Living with xx

Adventuring on!

Whilst I realise my cancer blog has now become a cancer and sea swimming blog, I cannot apologise for having to write about today’s adventure, because it was a really special one……

My sea swim buddy and I have been trying for a perfect boat trip for a number of years now. The first one we booked was a day trip from Portrush to Islay. I think it was four or five years ago. A huge storm rolled in and the trip was cancelled due to inclement weather. 

The second one was a whale and dolphin watching trip, three years ago. A huge storm rolled in but the trip went ahead, despite the inclement weather. The only thing I saw on that trip was my life flashing in front of my eyes as 10 foot high waves crashed over the top of the boat and soaked us to the skin. We adopted the brace position and held on tight. When we got back to dry land, nobody on the boat could walk! We were like a bunch of drunks stumbling around the harbour, trying to fix our sea legs!! We went into a yacht club for cups of tea and left two puddles of water on the floor when we left.

Today was our ‘third time lucky’ trip. A trip along the coast to Rathlin Island, with the potential for a quick swim under Carrick-a-Rede rope bridge. In celebration of my sea sister’s birthday. Thankfully her birthday luck was in!! We had a fantastic trip.

I’ll not lie, as the day got closer I was getting more and more nervous about the potential swim. Conditions were looking good.  I really wanted to swim, but it’s open water and swimming off a boat is very different to swimming from a beach. What if I couldn’t get out of the boat? More concerning, what if I couldn’t get back in?? 

I’m used to a slow walk in, my body acclimatising to the cold water as I go in deeper. I never go out of my depth. Today’s dip wasn’t like that. There was a lift on the back of the boat…….. My intrepid pal stepped onto the lift as I was still flaffing around getting myself organised. The skipper lowered the lift slightly and she jumped in. I watched in admiration whilst feeling the fear rise from my tummy. Could I do that?? 

I went over to the lift and stepped on. It was really just a square of metal grid flooring that lowers into the water. The skipper lowered me down a short distance. I knew I should jump but I couldn’t do it! I was trying to manoeuvre myself into a sitting position to allow a more gentle ‘plop’ into the water when the lift started moving lower, the skipper seeing my fear at the prospect of jumping and my ungainly attempts to try to make things easier. As the lift went down I felt like I was in a shark cage and knew I’d just have to go for it. With the water at thigh level I dropped in, with a shriek of seasteria, and swam round to my friend at the side of the boat. I shook off the feeling of being like shark bait and the momentary thought that my foot might get shredded by a propellor! I saw my pal’s face, full of delight and pride, and I reminded myself I could swim, the boat was right beside me, and I was safe. 

We were doing it!! We were swimming in open, very deep water in a great big ocean. We could see the cliffs and Carrick-a-Rede rope bridge! Sea birds were flying all around us and we knew there was a minke whale somewhere close by, probably watching us and wondering what all the fuss was about. It was amazing!! 

Another passenger decided she’d get in too. She hadn’t come prepared…..no swimsuit, no towel. She just felt the pull of the sea and leapt off the lift fully clothed in shorts and a t-shirt. She’s a total legend!! 

I wasn’t in for long and my entry and exit were hugely aided by the lift, but I DID IT!! I wasn’t elegant, I was slow to get in and out and I laughed like a nut job, but…….. I proper swam in proper deep open ocean and it felt fantastic!! Another leap forward. 

Cancer can’t stop me yet!! Living with…. xx

Childish joy

Today was a wonderful day. We are enjoying some well earned time off work so today I was able to get my second sea dip of the week. My wee sea swim pal and I decided to be bold and try going to large rock pools we’d long been curious about. 

Being the gentleman that he is, hubby played taxi and chief advisor. We reached the spot and tried to see a way in that hopefully wouldn’t involve falls, trips or slips! Thankfully there was a well worn path most of the way. We slowly and carefully crossed the grass and rocks until we were beside the pool we’d chosen for our dip. 

I was a bit excited but also nervous. The pool looked very inviting, but getting in would involve manoeuvring down a couple of ledges and then dropping into deep water. It was very different to the slow wade in I’m used to from a beach. Add to that, the thought of not being able to touch the bottom and the prospect of trying to get back out, and my nerves started to kick in a bit more.  

The sight of the calm, clear water was too inviting to allow anxiety to remain however, and determination started to kick in. I could do this, I knew I could. My wonderfully fearless friend went in first as always! She talked through each stage, giving me hints and tips. Hubby stood slightly higher up and also provided insights into the easiest route. Both were wonderfully supportive but neither rushed me or instructed me. Just helpful suggestions and tips.

I got myself sitting on the first ledge, with my feet and lower legs in the water. After a few minutes I lowered myself down onto the next ledge. I sat there for another few minutes, getting used to the water temperature. As always with the North Atlantic, it was cold, and I was conscious I usually get a much slower immersion.  

I didn’t sit for too long before I became buoyed by my buddy…….. she was straight in and swimming across the pool, to the rocky wall at the other side. I slowly followed her lead and eased myself into the water. It was cold but we’ve dipped in far worse. The water was deeper than we’re used to, with no chance of touching the bottom, but there were plenty of rocky grip points along the sides of the pool. 

I relaxed and was taken back to childhood……. a memory of swimming in a pool just like this one, only smaller. It was at the bottom of someone’s garden. I don’t know whose. My mum had passed away a short time before, so I would’ve been about 5 years old, and someone had taken my sister and I to a house that had a deep rock pool, just like this one, at the bottom of the back garden. I don’t remember who took us there, or where it was, but I do remember that pool somewhere in Scotland. Somewhat bizarrely, I also remember a girl of about 18 or 19 years of age, playing a keyboard in the house.

As I crossed the rock pool this morning I felt peace wash over me with each movement I took through the water.  With relative ease, I swam to the other side of the rock pool. As I reached it, my epic sea sister was climbing out and preparing for a jump back into the deep pool. I watched her and admired her courage. I wasn’t tempted to try it though: I didn’t think I’d be able to get out of the pool, never mind have the nerve to jump back in!!

We swam back to the other side and she was out and getting dressed by the time I’d very ungraciously hauled myself onto the lower ledge. Bum shuffling like a baby learning to crawl, I managed to get out of the pool. As I giggled and indulged in some self praise at my ability to achieve my goal, another small group of women appeared. The three of them had clearly done this before……….. they headed straight to the far end of the pool and easily walked down a slope and slowly entered the water. We laughed at our ability to pick the hardest route in and out of the rock pool, whilst continuing to praise ourselves for our strength! 

Today was a good day. A year ago I wouldn’t have had the strength or the confidence to get myself in and out of that pool, never mind swim across it and back again. Today I did so, safe in the knowledge that I had the ability and had a Support Team on hand should any disasters strike. It wasn’t pretty, but I did it! And more importantly, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I left that deep pool, full of daydreams of childhood and a confidence in how far I’ve come since that life changing grand mal seizure four and a half years ago. Life is good.

Living with…..

Adult supervision required

Once again this evening I’ve been reminded of what a hash I can be, and how lucky I am to have the husband I have! 

Tonight’s challenge should’ve been simple....... cook a meal using a recipe from a fairly easy cookbook. Teriyaki chicken. A delicious combo involving chicken fillets, fresh veg and a simple sauce. As usual, I started off strong.......that’s code for ‘I jumped in without really reading the instructions’. Hubby asked if I needed any help and, like the professional chef that I’m definitely not, I began issuing instructions..... I ask him to chop the chicken and then gave him a load of veg to cut up while I spent roughly the same length of time making up a sauce that involved measuring out some liquids and stirring in some crushed garlic and crushed ginger. 

“What about the scallions?”, hubby asks. “Aye add them in too”, I reply after very quickly scanning the recipe. He does as he is bid before glancing at the book and asking me “Honey, where does it say to chop the chicken??” I look at it and watch as his finger points to the photo, which clearly shows whole, cooked chicken fillets coated in a sauce and placed on a bed of roasted vegetables. Doh! I drop an f-bomb and slap my forehead. Hubby doesn’t flinch and says it’ll be grand. Then points to the sliced scallions used to garnish the meal. Double doh!! Again he laughs and tells me not to worry. 

From then on I’m the sous chef and hubby is the boss. It’s better for everyone that way. He takes a sneaky selfie which clearly shows his veg all neatly chopped and ready for the oven, as I furiously stir my ridiculously simple sauce! Posting it on social media, he captions it “ Cooking together with Yacht Rock!! Sundays!”..... What a wonderful man I’ve married, who resisted a truer caption of “adult supervision required”!!

The huge irony in this is that in the last six months I have become the main contact for my dear old dad, who has spiralled into Parkinsonian dementia and is now in residential care. My sister and I are joint Power of Attorney and she visits as often as she can, but with her living in England and me living just up the road, I deal with the day to day business.  There are visits and post and paying bills and all the other things that go along with helping someone with dementia, alongside work and trying not to overdo things.

As always, hubby is my adult supervisor!! He helps in every way he can and makes sure I don’t get myself tangled into a stressy mess!! He makes sure I take a breath, he takes me down to meet a wonderful friend for our weekly sea dip....... not because I can’t drive or need his help, simply because he knows I like to know he’s nearby. Most importantly he dries my tears and gives me hugs when I get a bit overwhelmed by being the whipping boy when daddy is having a bad day. My sister and dad's partner also jump in and visit when they can, which is invaluable for us as well as for dad. I’m quite sure he was getting sick of only seeing me once a week, every week, as per the Covid rules. I’m so relieved they’ve relaxed enough now to let him see other people and even get out for the odd short adventure! 

My husband. WHAT A GUY!! My hero, the love of my life. Keeping me sane every day :) 

It’s been a while, old friend

When I’m not telling my ‘Billy Joel saved my life’ story, I usually credit my Macmillan Nurse in Causeway Hospital with saving my life. It is undoubtedly true that he did, but it’s also important to acknowledge there were others who played huge roles along the way. 

My Macmillan Nurse saved my life when I was admitted to hospital due to phenytoin toxicity. This was a full year after my initial grand mal seizure and subsequent brain tumour diagnosis. I credit Billy Joel with saving me at this time too, partly because it’s true and partly because it makes a crackin’ true story!

So Macmillan and Billy Joel saved my life in 2018. But many others had already saved it the previous year when my brain tumour so suddenly and violently made its presence known. Along with my wonderful husband, who continues to save my life every day, my gorgeous grown up son, my amazing sister, and too many friends and colleagues to name, there were many medical professionals who will never be forgotten. 

The first Medical Consultant I came across was an amazing man I met upon my first admission to hospital, the night of my grand mal. He admitted me into his ward, setting me up in my own private side room, and ensuring I got the best of care from his incredible team. By the time I was admitted again a year later, he had retired. The rest of the team in ‘my’ ward remained much the same so I received the same loving care, but I often think about that gentleman who first took me into their care. 

Recently I have been thinking about him more and more. As Covid restrictions ease, we have been looking to the future. That future includes the official opening of our Riverbank Relatives Room in the hospital. We were all set to open it when Covid struck, causing us to put plans on hold. The room is in use and an event around opening is far less important, but it’ll be wonderful to have an official opening as a thank you to everyone who’s played a part in keeping me well, and all the wonderful friends who donated time, energy and their hard earned cash to make the project possible. 

So I have been thinking about that first Consultant who dealt with me. He wasn’t supposed to be on duty that night, but came in when he heard about my case. He kept me safe and I’ll always remember his professionalism, but even more so, his kindness. I had been hoping the hospital had contact details for him because it wouldn’t feel right opening the Riverbank Room without him there. 

You can imagine my surprise, and complete joy, when I was doing my supermarket shop this morning and saw my wonderful Consultant just ahead of me in an aisle! I approached him and he turned towards me. Despite our face masks, I could see the recognition light up his eyes. Initially he thought I was my sister and it became apparent he didn’t expect me to still be alive! He was visibly surprised and delighted and complimented me on looking so well. We had a brief chat and I was able to tell him about our Riverbank Room and how I’d been wondering how I could get hold of him to invite him to attend the opening when it happens. He gave me contact information and said he’d be delighted and honoured to attend.

I haven’t had one of those joyous, serendipitous moments for a while and it took me right back to the start of this crazy journey, when such serendipities seemed almost commonplace.

I managed to more or less hold back the tears until we got out of Sainsbury’s and thankfully hubby was there to give me a hug. 

Overwhelming yet wonderful. I’m simply overjoyed. The world is full of wonderful people and it seems they can’t get away from me!! 

Living with.... xx

The Wide World

Today I properly ventured out into the Wide World. For over a year now I’ve been working from home due to Covid restrictions. Truthfully, it has suited me pretty well. I like my job most of the time and have remained disciplined with my working hours and giving it my best. Home is quieter and I find it easier to concentrate. Fewer distractions. I think our dog is now fully trained in my job because I regularly discuss it with her.......”So Izzy, what do you think?? Should I do it like this or like this??”

I had just got to the point where I was starting to want to go back to the office. A year is a long time to work at home. The advantages are many, but I was starting to feel the pull off the Riverbank towards the Wide World......... Fortuitously, a piece of work came in that I couldn’t do from the laptop. I had no choice but to plan a day in the office. I picked today and was delighted when my wee Roomie told me she was going in today too. Perfectly perfect :)

I work 0730-1630, 4 days a week. Going into the office meant getting up 15 minutes earlier than usual to allow for travel........my office is about a mile away, but the one way system trebles the distance and the roads are all residential or town centre, so 30mph and plenty of roundabouts and traffic lights! I didn’t mind the slightly earlier start, I was looking forward to getting into the office, mixing with colleagues, and hearing all the craic! I also found myself feeling nervous. It had been a long time. I packed up my wee backpack handbag, made my packed lunch, took my wee roomie’s Christmas present under my arm (!), and headed out the door like a kid on their first day of school!

I arrived happy to be there, if a little apprehensive, and I managed to successfully combine a few short chats with colleagues (always a feat for me to keep a conversation short!!) with a days work.  It was quiet, with not too many about, but was all going well. Wearing a mask was rubbish, but I know it’s still necessary. I enjoyed being back in my office with my pal, even though she’s now my manager lol!! 

All good. I worked hard and finished the report I had hoped I would. I was packing up about 10 minutes after my finish time but that was fine. Wee rucksack packed up, lunchbag in hand, along with a reciprocal Christmas present from wee Roomie :) All set.........

Keys........keys.........KEYS?????  Where are my keys???? Seriously, WHERE ARE MY KEYS???? Panic started to build as I realised I had absolutely no recollection of where I’d put them. The search began.......Pockets? No. Backpack? No. Desk? No. Under desk? Nope. Office floor? No. In fridge? No. Lunchbag? No. Christmas present bag? Nope. By this time my heart is starting to pound. Where were they?? In the car? Or dropped walking from car to office? Steps retraced.......car locked, no keys inside. No keys in corridor or in car park. WHERE ARE MY DAMNED KEYS??? I go to other offices to see if anyone has found them or if someone is playing a joke on me......no luck. I expand my search area.......... bins, corridors I hadn’t even walked down today, even down the toilet (could they have fallen out of my pocket?? Would they have flushed away?? Surely I would’ve heard them??) 

Full blown panic now. I find myself moving at speed upstairs to the management corridor. I interrupt a meeting between a senior manager and someone I’ve never met and ask if anyone has handed in keys. The answer is no, but the manager tells me he’ll arrange for someone to take me home and he’ll get whoever’s left in the building to start a search..... I’m mortified, and in a total panic. My voice has risen by two octaves and words are spilling out of my mouth in the muddled and frantic manner of a crazy person. 

I head back downstairs to continue my search while waiting for the boss to finish his meeting and call in the troops. I reach my office (having rechecked every possible ‘lost key hiding place’ along the way), and had a eureka moment.......wee Roomie!! She must’ve lifted them by mistake! I rang her, spewing out half formed words, and feeling like my heart might burst out of my chest. She tells me she definitely doesn’t have them. I feel my head start to pound. Then she says “Are they in your coat pocket?” I told her “I didn’t have a coat” (I had on a light, knitted hooded top over a t-shirt). As my eyes scanned the office and fixed on something, I heard her say “Your coat was hanging up when I came in”. I realise I’m looking at a coat. My coat. I’d forgotten I’d worn it because it had been raining this morning. 

I grab the coat off the wall hook and feel the lump of my keys in the pocket. By now I’m half laughing at how stupid I’d been, and half crying with both embarrassment and relief! I say goodbye to my friend, wee genius that she is, and head back upstairs to tell the boss to call off the search. My voice has possibly gone up another octave and I’m talking so fast behind my mask I’m sure I sounded like I simply wasn’t fit to function in the outside world! I can almost hear him thinking that the wee brain tumour girl has finally lost the plot after working at home for too long. I made good my escape and left work. I sat in my car in the car park for a few minutes, making sure I was ok to drive. Deep breaths, music on, slow drive home. 

Wee Roomie rang to check up on me and I laughed with my son about what had happened. He told me he’s left his coat at work loads of times because he’d forgotten he’d worn it, and showed me a funny video to further settle me down. Hubby came home and we caught up on each other’s day before having dinner. Since that we’ve eaten, done the dishes, watched the news and I’ve written this blog entry.

Now I’m for bed. I’m exhausted. Thankfully, despite still being a bit embarrassed, I can see the humour, and know it could’ve happened to anyone. My crazy reaction has left me with a headache, but I know all I need now is a good book, an early night and a good night’s sleep.

I guess I’ve still a bit of work to do to ensure I don’t spiral when things go a bit wrong, but what can I say? I’m still a work in progress. Most importantly, I’m still living with.... xx

Time flies.....

Time flies........ especially when you’re enjoying a week off work! Where did the week go?? It seems to have disappeared in a flash! I shouldn’t really complain though.... I’ve had a lovely week with hubby. We’ve had long walks, a bit of gardening and plenty of laughs together. I’ve even managed two sea dips, with a third planned for tomorrow :)

I remain hopeful about plans for later in the year, but if they fall through because of Covid restrictions then hey ho. Nothing we can do, just graciously accept the refunds and give the savings a wee boost ahead of 2022!! Gigs will return and our trips are all refundable or moveable - Jersey, Edinburgh and Manchester will all still be there after Covid calms down. I don’t have much desire to travel further afield anymore......I remain fearful of the impact a long haul flight might have on my brain! It took an invitation from Queen Elizabeth herself to get me on my first short, post diagnosis plane journey!!

 Next year we are hoping for a trip slightly further away...... we’ll be married 25 years in January, and are hoping to celebrate Silver with a trip to Venice......fulfilling a long held dream to visit Italy. If we can’t go there I’d settle for another trip to beautiful Donegal....or Cork looks beautiful too. Not to mention the Wicklow Mountains and the lavender fields in Wexford. Plenty of staycation opportunities if we can’t go abroad. As ever, I am reminded of the fantastic landscape we have on our doorstep. I maintain we are lucky enough to live on one of the most beautiful places on our wee planet. A trip to Venice would be special, but so long as I have my big man for company then a car picnic and long walk at White Park Bay would do grand! 

Stay safe. Wash you hands. Get your vaccine. Don’t be selfish. Appreciate what you have. Get outside and enjoy our wee country! Live with the hand you’re dealt and don’t waste time, because it flies by...... Xx

What are you waiting for??

What are you waiting for?? An easy question to ask, but one that sometimes has many answers. As I sit here, watching Duran Duran live in concert on tv (don’t judge me, I was reared in the ‘80s lol), looking out on a rainy Mother’s Day, what am I waiting for??

• I’m waiting for it to stop raining.
• I’m waiting for Mr Blackbird to come and tap on our patio doors with his lovely orange beak......he’s done it a few times recently when the seed is running low. How cool is that??
• I’m waiting for the massive swell in the sea to go down so I can go for my sea swim.........tomorrow’s looking hopeful.
• I’m waiting to get a date for my second Covid vaccine.
• I’m waiting for the hot water to heat so I can have a nice deep bubble bath.

Most of all I’m waiting for lockdown to end, once and for all, because;

• I’m waiting to see if I get to dance my wee socks off to Lionel Ritchie live in Belfast in June.
• I’m waiting to see if I finally get to see Green Day live in Dublin in June, after two opportunities stolen from me by cancer.
• I’m waiting to see if I get to see Crowded House live in Manchester in July. After my very vivid dream about my conversation with their lead singer, Neil Finn (see earlier blog post for more detail on that one!)
• I’m waiting to see if we get to go to Jersey for the first time.
• I’m waiting to see if we get to go to Edinburgh for the first time in ages, after 2 reschedules so far.
• I’m waiting to see if our Triciafest rock gig in aid of  Macmillan in NI goes ahead and we finally get to officially open our Riverbank Relatives Room.

I don’t wait well, but we all know ‘The Waiting is the Hardest Part’. Wait, wait, wait. Tap, tap, tap!! Come on virus, let Spring in!! 

Four years gone

This time four years ago I was getting myself ready for brain surgery. That still sounds mad to me! Almost unbelievable. My first surgery was on 22nd February 2017, and my second one was a week later on 1st March....... I saw a video this week of a woman playing violin during awake brain surgery. All I managed were some very poor jokes.......

Hand me the forceps; “What are you doing up there?? You’re not delivering a baby you know!!”, 

 “Do you know what day it is today?? It’s 1st March, the first day of Brain Tumour Awareness month. Don’t f*ck this up.....it’d be really embarrassing for you!!”,

“Just so we’re clear, if I die on this table I’m coming back to haunt you!”

All I have to do is touch my head to be reminded it wasn’t all a bad dream......there’s a scar and a temple fontanelle to remind me. The weather reminds me too...... we’ve just had a complete downpour and accompanying thunder and lightning so powerful it knocked the Sky TV signal off. Hubby was very unhappy because the Merseyside derby is on! I’m unhappy because my head is still thumping. Human barometer.

Thankfully there was no rain for my sea dip this morning. Though it’s still very, very cold in the water! I wrote that like it’s ever warm in the North Atlantic.......it’s not, but there’s definitely ‘winter cold’ and ‘summer cold’, and we’re still in the former. Not for long though...... Spring is just around the corner. Some of my snowdrops have come out in our garden, and there are tulip shoots just waiting for the season to properly change. It’ll be Spring no time!

The longer days seem to be lifting everyone. In the last week I’ve had loads of really pleasant conversations and experiences. I’ve been busy at work, which is always good for me. I’ve started playing piano again after 30 years......it’s halting and there are plenty of bum notes, but it’s coming on. A wonderful lady I met when her mother was in the same hospital ward as me created a series of beautiful images inspired by sea bathers. “My” image is called Stormbusting and she made me cry with her words;

“....brave, tenacious, enduring, inspirational...”, “the long mermaid hair symbolises the inner rock chick being restored. The wave symbolises everything you endured and are still going through.....”

Wow! What could I even say? Completely overwhelming. 

Hot on the heels of this I had someone tell me I was ‘a tonic’. I took this as a wonderful compliment. It’s not an expression you hear much, but I’d just rattled off my ‘Billy Joel saved my life’ story along with a few other comedy lines. It’s always nice to have my, sometimes dark, humour appreciated.

We are fast racing towards Spring. I have snowdrops in bloom in my garden and tulips starting to sprout. Before we know it Covid restrictions will start to ease and we’ll be all be in a better place! 

We have rescheduled gigs to attend and trips to go on. Please, please let us get a break by summer!! Even if it means handing back the laptop, getting out of the jogging bottoms and going back out into the Wide World.  I’m restless. I crave the sun, music, good friends, and seeing our Riverbank Relatives Room finally opening! I am filled with hope and expectation. Come on life.......don’t let me down!! 

Washing worries away

Let’s get the bad stuff over with first.......Sometimes real life sucks. This seems to be particularly true for me at the start of the year. January and February should be about fresh starts and looking forward to an exciting year ahead....... for me, it seems to have become the time when bad things happen. 

It’s been a very full on few weeks. I’ve had a ‘half scan’ due to my rubbish veins and am nervously awaiting results, knowing they won’t be conclusive anyway. I’ve moved into a new role at work, through my own choice, but another change to deal with all the same. Hardest of all, I’ve watched my dad tumble very rapidly into dementia and have had to accept he will spend the rest of his life in a dementia unit in a care home. This is particularly difficult because he has dementia with Lewy bodies which, unlike Alzheimer’s, is not a steady decline; rather a fluctuating state of semi lucidity and complete delusion within a short space of time. 

It’s been tough going, made worse by the time of year and the ongoing covid pandemic, but I know people experience far worse. I always aim to be honest in this wee blog of nonsense......I don’t want to come across as an eternally happy and positive person, because that’s just not real life for anyone. What I do always try to do is pull out positives....... I do this to let the few of you still reading this see there are always positives to be seen. More so, I do it to remind myself and to chase my anxieties away.

So here’s the story told from a different perspective......... In the last few weeks I’ve had a scan that should show enough to tell us if everything remains stable, which I’m expecting to be the case. It’s winter, but we’ve had some glorious crisp and sunny days and been able to enjoy restorative time outdoors, despite the pandemic. Just this morning I enjoyed a life affirming sea dip. 

I’ve moved into a new, exciting role at work. It was through my own choice and gives me an opportunity to learn new things, work as part of a bigger team, and hopefully make a tiny difference in my wee patch. Hopefully some time this year I’ll get back into my office and out of my house. I’ve been home working for almost a year now........aren’t I lucky?? Neither my husband or  I have been furloughed, we haven’t lost our jobs, we have interesting and secure jobs that pay us enough to pay our bills and live a good life. We’re not rich but we’re certainly not on the bread line. Most of all we have each other, not to mention our gorgeous big son.

My dad is safe, warm and comfortable in a care home specially set up to look after dementia patients. I even got to choose his room and this week we will take him some items from home and get him settled in. He is close by and we can visit him with restrictions. Once lockdown rules change we’ll be able to have full visits more often. Some people don’t get that valuable time. 

I have just come back from a fantastic dip in a very cold, but glorious sea, under blue skies, and have left my worries in the sea. I have been spoilt with a hot shower, a bacon sandwich and a cup of tea, and am now watching my husband do the housework while I write a load of uninteresting words that will likely never be read, but that help me work through my thoughts.

Yep, I’ve nothing to complain about really. Living with x

A vein attempt.....

They tried in vain to get a vein....... 

It’s been a fairly crap week if I’m honest. On Monday, my sister and I had the unenviable task of seeing our dad go into a care home. He has Parkinson’s Disease and associated dementia and has reached a point where he needs a higher level of care than family can provide. It’s hoped the full care home is a short term stay until he can get into an assisted living facility. Unfortunately Covid has led to admissions in his preferred facility being put on hold for a while. 

The rest of the week saw a challenge at work. A problem not suitable for sharing in a public blog, suffice to say we all sometimes have to deal with difficult people in our workplaces! It was finally resolved on Thursday, by which time I’d pretty much stopped caring anyway, mainly because I was dealing with bigger worries with my dad’s situation and my four year seizureversary. 

My rubbish week finished of perfectly today with an MRI scan. Hubby couldn’t go into the hospital with me due to Covid restrictions, so he waited in the car. He waited while I had it confirmed that Infusion Services hadn’t been booked, despite me checking beforehand on two separate occasions. He waited while three different nurses tried valiantly to cannulate a vein......any vein, in vain. He waited while Infusion Services finally arrived and took over searching for a vein, unfortunately again in vain :(

He waited when everybody admitted defeat and agreed there was no vein to be found today. He waited in the car as I waited in a hospital cubicle because the radiographers had had to take other patients ahead of me. We both waited on our own as my stupid veins held everybody up in an already very busy department. 

He waited while I finally had my scan, albeit not the full thing because no vein means no contrast dye. They still get images but they don’t have the same detail as they can get with the dye.

My poor husband, who in two days time will have put up with me for 24 years of marriage, waited alone in a car in a hospital multi storey car park for FOUR hours! When I rang to say I was finished he told me to wait inside so I didn’t get cold, and came down to greet me with a hug and words of reassurance and comfort. He put his arm around me and took me back to the car before bringing me home via a motorway services Burger King because we were both starving!! He brought me home, ordered me into my pyjamas and fleecy dressing gown, and has been spoiling me ever since.

Bad veins are nobodies fault. Years of treatment are hard on a body. Thankfully I have years of marriage to a wonderful man to keep me strong. We’ll get the scan results in a few weeks time. I don’t expect them to show any changes. If they do appear to show a change then no doubt we’ll have to go through another vein attempt that hopefully won’t be in vain again. 

As Bob Marley said;

“Live for yourself and you’ll live in vain, live for others and you will live again.”

My husband is a man who will definitely live again. Xx

A stormy end to 2020

2020 is almost over. It’s been a strange year. The Covid-19 pandemic has changed life for many. My family and I have been fairly fortunate. I’ve been able to work from home since March and hubby has been able to keep working safely too. 

So many have lost jobs and/or family members. I know around half a dozen people who’ve had Covid, including one who sadly lost her life. Like many of us I’d imagine, it’s hard not feel a degree of fear of this virus that has taken over our lives.........though it’s probably a healthy fear. I see so many others who just don’t seem to care or just don’t believe it can happen to them......the anti mask and anti vaccine brigade. 

Is it really so much to ask that you wear a mask in shops?? I can completely understand the scepticism and mistrust in government and authority. There’s no doubt we’ve been let down by egos and slow action. But seriously, stop whining  and put on a mask! Even if it were all a huge con, what would you have lost by covering your mouth and nose? 

It’s been fun and heartening to see so many learn the lessons cancer had already taught my close circle and I....... appreciate the simple things, spend quality time with those you love, don’t take anything for granted, get outdoors into nature, give plenty of hugs when you can because you’ll miss them when you can’t.

Our cancer journey means that hubby and I haven’t seen huge changes in our lives. We miss going to gigs, but we already knew we were probably going to too many. We are fortunate to have already learned the simple pleasure of packing up a picnic and heading along the coast. We knew the joy of taking the dog to a forest or a beach and breathing in the fresh air. We were fully aware of the benefits of keeping your circle (bubble) small.

Like everyone else, we look forward to life post-Covid, but it’s impact on us has been somewhat limited.........a lot of rescheduled gigs and trips, including unfortunately our annual charity gig, a messy diary full of scribbled out plans, missing friends and family members who we’ve been unable to visit.

Thankfully my scheduled scans and appointments have all gone ahead, despite some reviews being a bit delayed and/or by telephone. The results so far remain as good as we can ask for; stability and no indications of tumour regrowth. Of course there remain caveats; it’s very likely to come back at some stage and scarring from treatment hinders the experts being able to see everything. But everything in life comes with ‘buts and maybes’. Do I ever consider them? Of course I do, especially when not feeling 100%. I just keep reminding myself not every headache or weird sensation is about cancer........ I might just be tired or have done too much. I might have sat in front of the laptop or stared at my phone for too long. I might have a cold. Hormones......any woman in her 40s, particularly one who’s had cancer treatment will understand, or be close to understanding, the joys of the menopause. 

Storms are another joy.....I don’t know if this is common to those of us who’ve had brain surgeries, or if it’s my own personal quirk! I’d imagine I’m not alone. Storms can sit on my head like a stack of books. It feels like those heavy, grey clouds are literally inside my skull, pressing down onto my brain. Unpleasant. But storms pass. 

I just try to accept that headaches, hot flushes and the occasional tremor/zoned out feeling could just as easily be hormone or storm related as cancer related. Worrying about it is only going to make it worse. 

So onwards we go. I continue to sea swim every week. I continue to work four days a week, albeit currently from the comfort of my living room. I continue to enjoy the great outdoors when I can. I continue to be a proud member of a happy marriage with a wonderful man. I continue to spend time with my favourite people, even if it sometimes has to be virtual.  I continue to come across wonderful new people, often in the most mundane of places like the supermarket or when having a walk. I was even interviewed for a podcast about healthy living.......who’d ever have thought we’d see the day??!! You can find it at https://soundcloud.com/thesweetspud/the-sweet-spud-on-a-farm-episode-56-tricia-roulston though I’ll warn those of you who don’t already know.......I CAN TALK!!!! I even shared a healthy recipe that involves putting salmon fillets and asparagus into the oven, baking them, and eating them!! 

Here’s to 2021. May those who haven’t learned the lessons, open their eyes and their hearts, and may those who know what’s important continue to live their best life.

Be good to yourselves and those you love.

And wear the bloody mask!!!!

Missions aborted!!

I like plans. It helps me to know what’s happening, when. I’m not particularly prone to spontaneity, as boring as that may be. I’ve always been like this, I think it’s a bit generic as my dad is the same way. 

Since my cancer diagnosis I’ve gone to both extremes....... 

If I’m with someone I trust, particularly my husband, I’m more up for unplanned road trips or a last minute decision to go for a walk when I’m usually going to bed. Nothing madly exciting, but just a slight movement away from our norms. 

On the flip side, plan changes can throw me off a bit and cause me some anxiety. Thankfully I’ve reached the stage where I can generally rationalise things in my mind, or through chatting it through with hubby or a friend. It doesn’t take me too long to accept and move with the change.......

Which is just as well because, as we all know, change is the only constant in life! 2020 has certainly been a prime example of that. An inability to see the bright side would have sunk anyone this year, so I’ve worked hard, like so many of us have, to see the silver lining....

I’ve been working from home since March. It can feel isolating and I miss the chats and laughs with colleagues. I hate dial-in meetings because they’re so impersonal. But I’ve been very productive working without distractions at home. I’ve lost a tiny bit of weight without the temptation of a canteen and nearby cafes. I go for a quick walk with our dog every lunchtime. Overall, a healthier way to work I’d suggest.

Our planned gigs have all been moved to next year so there’s been no live music. I miss the buzz that live music gives and have been particularly disappointed by our need to keep changing the date our annual charity gig in aid of Macmillan Cancer Support. It was originally scheduled for May 2020......then September........then February 2021. Now we’ve agreed that date won’t happen either. Northern Ireland is getting ready to go back into another lockdown that will only end in February. It’s too soon to plan a social gathering. It’d be disrespectful to Covid patients and also to the cancer patients the fundraiser is held to support. So we’ve put it on hold, with a new date to be decided when we see how things go. This ‘greyness’ doesn’t sit well with me. I like things ‘sorted’, make a decision, get ‘er done!! But life doesn’t work like that. 

Our rainbow has been the day trips and local adventures we’ve had time to enjoy this year. Something we plan to continue doing from now on.

Today I had another unexpected change of plans, but one that has caused limited anxiety. I’m telling the story because it may resonate with others who find changes of plan can knock them off.... or it may help you understand that ‘slightly odd’ friend or family member who reacts badly to plan changes! 

Today my pal and I had planned our weekly sea dip. As our last one before Christmas, we arrived equipped with Christmas gifts and Santa hats. We were both really looking forward to our dip, as we always do. Unfortunately we didn’t properly research the tide times.... unusual for us to make such a schoolchild error! We arrived to high tide and decided it just wasn’t safe to get in. We checked three different beaches but the verdict was the same each time. But of course time and tide wait for no-one so we’re regrouping later on. A very simple example of how change can be slightly inconvenient but not insurmountable. 

We will have our Santa Splash, just later in the day. Christmas will go ahead, even if it’s quieter. The Covid situation will eventually calm down and we’ll be able to socialise like we used to. Our Macmillan gig will go ahead, so what if it’s a year or two later than originally planned? 

Aborted missions simply lead to new plans. No need to worry xxx

Going solo

I’m conscious this blog about my cancer journey has become more of a sea swimming blog, so today’s entry is going to combine a bit of both!!

This week’s sea dip met with a hitch.......I was getting organised when I got a message. My wee sea sister was feeling a bit off colour. She’d been holding off to see how she felt but had taken the sensible decision to give this week a miss. What to do? What to do? My swimsuit was on and my bag was packed. Hubby was out walking the dog in preparation for taking me down. Ok, I’ll admit it, there was no decision to make........I’ve had a blocked nose and headache for a few days and, as anybody who lives near the coast knows, the sea is the best cure for these things. Hubby got home and I told him I was on my own. He didn’t flinch about taking me down, the same way he does every week. 

We got in the car and hadn’t gone far when the rain started. I started to feel a bit nervous. There’s no problem with swimming in the sea in the rain, in fact it’s often even more joyous than swimming in the sun! Sure it makes no difference......it’s not as though you’re not going to get wet anyway! The less favourable bit comes when you get out to soggy towels and clothes. 

Thankfully my Support Team (best husband ever!) was sitting on a bench under a golfing umbrella. He was on a waterproof bottomed picnic blanket, with half under his backside and the other half over my stuff to keep it dry. That’s true love for you, right there!! 

I said at the start of this blog entry that half would be about sea swimming, and half about my cancer journey. It might not be exactly half, but here’s the cancer bit........  I was nervous about going into the sea today on my own partly because I’ve had a few odd tremor type events over the past few months. Very mild and reported to my Neurologist, resulting in a very slight increase in medication, but nothing of any major issue. I’d had one yesterday. Nothing major.....just a slight disruption to my vision, some tingling down one side and a bit of a headache. I suspect it was fuelled by a bit of a sinus block, a few nights restless sleep and some work frustrations.  I knew the sea was the best thing for me, but was cautious of going in alone.

I’ve never been in alone. The only time that comes close was when hubby and I were in Donegal earlier this year.......we’d gone into the sea together but I’d stayed in after he’d got out.  Today was the first time I’d actually walked in alone, swum alone, and walked out alone. It was very cold so I didn’t stay in too long........truthfully I’d have stayed in longer except I could see my long suffering husband getting soaked on his bench, and I didn’t want to end up freezing......the cold sea can deceive......you get used to it and don’t really feel the cold when you’re in, but when you get out you can feel chilled to the bone if you’ve stayed in too long!! 

So what’s the cancer story?? Cancer steals your hardiness. It makes you more delicate. Less hardiness and more delicate equals less confidence. Getting into the sea in a busy seaside town gives no room for worry about your body shape.....which is just as well because there’s no doubt cancer treatment has changed mine!! There’s no denying it, I’m chubbier.  A solo dip was important on my journey. Today I proved I don’t need to hide behind giggling with someone else to disguise any body shyness. Today I also proved I can do it on my own. Yes, I had hubby there in support, but that’s just common sense. This isn’t about bravado, it’s about building confidence through being able to do something that makes me feel good. I didn’t take any chances; nobody should ever sea swim alone unless they have someone keeping an eye from the shore. I also went in at the Harbour rather than at a beach where recent swells have been big and dangerous. And finally, I only stayed in 10 minutes. It’s December in two days time and the weather is not warm!! 

So there we go. A predominantly sea swim blog, but also proof that cancer can’t steal all your confidence forever. My body may have changed, but that would always have happened with age anyway. What’s more important is that my hardiness is returning. Get into a cold harbour, alone, in a swimsuit in winter? Damn right I will!!

Living with........

What’s your dream?

Go on, admit it......to yourself at very least, but preferably to others too. What’s your secret dream? What do you want to do more than anything else?

Mine is quite simple but not easy to achieve in a small town in Northern Ireland........ I’ll give you some clues.....I’m currently watching Rock of Ages for at least the fourth time! Earlier this afternoon I watched Rocketman....again...... 

I grew up making up dance routines..... Grease, ABBA...... I watched Dirty Dancing green with envy!! I love West Side Story.

As an adult I’ve been in crowd in at least three music videos..... only I could see myself, to anyone else I’d just have been a face in the crowd. Which is just the way I like it. 

Twice this week alone I have had two friends laugh at my ability to make any conversation into a song...... both times I’ve laughed at my long suffering husband having to listen to me! I’m no singer........ but I’ve never that stop me!! As Freddie so rightly said “Don’t stop me now!” 

So my dream? Well it’s one of two...... I want to be in a flash mob where a crowd of us randomly break into song and dance in a public place. Or, even more but even less likely to ever happen, I want to be an extra in a musical film. Something where nobody would know I was in it unless I was pointed out to them. A face in the crowd......somewhere near the back. The cheesier the film, the better!  A cool story to tell and show any future grandchildren I might have!

It’s a silly, childish dream, but it’s mine!! Some day...... until then hubby better keep the earplugs and be prepared to keep seeing me boogie my way round the house.

What’s your dream?? We all have one. Own it! 

Living with.... xx

Live in the sunshine

“Live in the sunshine, swim in the sea, drink in the wild air”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Unfortunately when you live in Northern Ireland, living in the sunshine isn’t always a possibility..... but when you live on the north coast swimming in the sea and drinking in the wild air is always possible!! 

The clocks have changed, autumn is here and winter is waiting in the wings. There’s less sunshine, big seas and colder air. Some people stop sea swimming at this time of year........ some people........ not us! If we can possibly get in, we will. Last week and this week have seen big swells on the north coast.......great for experiencing surfers, not so great for sea dippers. 

The sea is bigger and stronger than us. It needs to be respected. It’s always important to remember to respect its power, but there are also always ways around any problem...... Too dangerous to get in at the beach?? Harbour, here we come! 

Faced with a problem? Something standing in the way of doing what you love? Adapt. Find another way.... live with!

When the going gets tough, the tough go sea swimming!

“I’m alive and I can feel the blood shiver in my bones”

from Ghosts by Bruce Springsteen

It’s been a challenging few weeks. Nothing that is unique to me as a cancer patient, rather just ‘real world stuff’........ an ageing family member and all the associated difficulties in trying to do the right things, for the right reasons, at the right times, being the main focus of my energy. ‘Normal’ stresses of everyday life, experienced by people the world over.

Unfortunately my coping ability for any stresses, even for those of an every day nature, can sometimes leave a little to be desired since my diagnosis. At my routine Neurology appointment on Thursday I felt compelled (not least because hubby had made me promise!) to admit to a couple of minor ‘wobbles’. My friend refers to them as ‘mini mals’ and that seems like a very apt description........ not a full seizure and nothing too dramatic, but a definite tingling, numbness and weakness down my left arm and a facial ‘pull’ where the left hand side of my mouth is visibly pulled down, like someone has threaded a string through the corner of my lip and is pulling it taut.  I’ve only had two or three in total, lasting just a few minutes each, and have always recovered quickly after sitting down and doing some deep breathing exercises. Regardless, an increase in medication was strongly advised. I accepted it, despite some reservations.......previous experience of phenytoin toxicity will make a girl naturally and rightly cautious, and I was never a big fan of taking any sort medication to begin with! So the anti seizure medication has increased a tiny bit.

Disappointing and a little confusing, given my excellent scan results. My neurologist explained that stress and tiredness are amongst the biggest triggers for adverse neurological issues. I asked was it not better to learn to deal with stress rather than increasing meds?  He agreed but told me sometimes life throws challenges that anyone would struggle with and the increase in medication is just an extra safeguard. I also asked him why I was still having the occasional weird thing happen when my scans looked clear. He explained the cancer and treatment all leave scarring. That makes sense I guess.... who hasn’t had an injury that heals but leaves a slight weakness? Very few of us I’d suggest. So I accepted the extra precaution due to its minimal nature, and so far haven’t felt any negative impacts. 

At the same time I’ve paid particular attention to looking after my own wellbeing, with help from hubby and a couple of very dear friends. There have been a few long phone calls,  a few even longer walks, a bit of being spoiled at home, and a couple of delicious sea dips.......

On Wednesday hubby and I returned to the scene of the crime...... A lovely blustery walk on Downhill beach, followed by a walk around Mussenden Temple.......the area I spent the afternoon walking in before my initial grand mal seizure three and a half years ago. 

Yesterday we walked in our local forest....... my childhood playground (despite not being allowed to go there on my own as a child.....yeah right! How to encourage a child to something they shouldn’t? Simple, just tell them not to do it!!) 

This morning, after deciding earlier in the week that the weather didn’t look suitable for a sea dip, my wee pal and I spontaneously decided to go anyway to check conditions with our own eyes...... we were side by side half an hour later, looking out at a choppy but manageable sea.  

It was a quick dip, not much more than 10 minutes, but one which left us giggling like two schoolgirls. The laughing started when seaweed kept getting tangled around our legs and my mate lifted a bit out of the water that was like a small tree!! The laughter became louder after a total wipeout by a particularly big wave! Please note, we never take chances in high seas........we never go out of our depth and are particularly wary of any undertow (or ‘sucky sea’ as we like to call it!) A sea slap or even a good dunking can be great fun as long as you make sure you always have someone with you, know what you’re doing,  and are strong enough to get yourself back up.

As ever, my buddy was quick to try to help me as she saw me get dunked by a tall wave that broke right on top of us..... never one to be put off by the fact that’s she’s 5 inches or more shorter than me, she made a grab for me as I was given a good, hard sea slap!! In carrying out this act of heroism, she managed to grab my left boob fairly hard! After 25 years of friendship this did nothing but make us roar with laughter even more! I’m still giggling now, thinking about our antics, despite the slightly achy boob and scrape on my thigh lol.

So after a few rough weeks, a stormy sea has completed my healing process. I’ll keep taking the tablets, but I’ll also keep heeding the advise of the great life coach, Dory, and  ‘just keep swimming’!!

Living with xx

Side effects; the pros and cons

Cancer has brought a lot of side effects; some negative, some positive.

On the negative side:

• My feet. My poor feet. They’ve just never been the same again. I suspect the blame lies with the extreme and super fast steroid weight gain. I have old woman feet :( Recurring ingrown big toenails, hard skin, sporadic pains and random swelling. Thankfully no hairy toes so I’m not a complete hobbit just yet!!
• Tinnitus. Sometimes it’s like an airplane is coming in to land. Sometimes it’s a feeling of ‘fullness’. Sometimes it’s just a mild ache. 
• Joint aches. Again I blame the fast steroid weight gain and lack of energy to exercise. Pain is particularly associated with places where I had previous injury...... the shoulder I had surgery on for a bone spur, my coccyx that I remain convinced I chipped after bouncing off an enamel toilet whilst passing out from heatstroke in Thailand. Other joints just aren’t as flexible as they used to be but this is gradually improving through time and effort. I won’t be doing squats anytime soon, but I can get myself up off the floor, with much effort and in a very undignified manner...... as was proven when I had to get onto the floor in my retired boss’s office to reboot the computer. There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you’re stuck sitting on the floor of a senior person’s office...... and there’s a window in the door that looks out into a busy corridor! I had to shout on his PS to come in to help me, but managed to get myself up as she stood ready to catch me if my jelly knees decided to give up!! As someone once told me when I slipped on ice many years ago, “Pride fairly get you up, girl!” True.
• Hormonal shifts. This isn’t really one for public consumption! Suffice to say my treatment (and probably my age) led to an early menopause that has not been a joyful experience!
• The apparent inability (or perhaps it’s motivation) to shift that last stone....
• Inability to deal with stressful situations. I am quick to tears and it’s not unusual to find me deep breathing my way through anxiety. Cancer, treatment or hormones?? Take your pick!!
• An insane fear of heights. I never liked them, but now I find myself frozen with fear on the balcony of the Ulster Hall, almost falling over whilst trying to avoid stairs that are 2 meters away, and almost crying when watching hubby get ‘too close’ to a cliff edge (again around 2 meters is too close!)

Whinge whinge, gurn gurn. Let’s look at the positives!

• I know who I can depend on. My inner circle is smaller than it used to be, but it’s tight. I know who genuinely cares and who I can rely upon.
• I don’t get drawn into negativity as often and, when I do, I’m quicker to pull myself out of it. I can forgive and forget more easily because I understand how detrimental to health bad feeling is. I can also walk away from people who I know are bad for my wellbeing. 
• I’ve learnt to appreciate the small things more. The sea; how exhilarating it feels to swim in it, how good it feels to deeply breathe in the sea air, how calming the sound and sight of the waves are, how beautiful the landscape and wildlife of a beach are. The forest; how the air smells, how the trees and plants grow wild, how the birds sing, how the squirrels jump from tree to tree. 
• I’ve learnt how to find humour in pretty much anything. Sometimes it can be dark humour, but whatever gets you by, eh? I spend a lot of time sharing laughs and I hope I help brighten the days of others the way they do mine. 
• I’ve learnt how to truly love and appreciate others. I generally hate to be alone and being around the right people can change my entire day.
• I’ve learnt I am strong in my own way. I’m not a quitter.
• I don’t care as much about that extra stone. My BMI is in the green zone, in grand sure ;) !
• I’ve seen how my body can heal if treated with respect and care.
• I might be terrified by heights, but I’m nowhere near as scared of spiders and other beasties as I used to be!
• I no longer get motion sickness. Brain surgery has stopped me throwing up on anything faster than a skateboard....who knew, right?? No more lay-by chucking up, no more hanging over the sides of boats.  I might even be able to travel by helicopter some time in the future...... without spending the entire (very expensive) trip filling up sick bags when I should’ve been looking at the Grand Canyon!! 

Cancer is hard. The treatment is possibly even harder. But it’s essential if you want to give yourself the best chance of winning. 

Stay healthy, stay strong. Look after yourself, physically and mentally. Don’t be an a-hole; wear a mask, socially distance; protect others even if you feel invincible yourself.

Living with.... xx

Stunning Staycationing

2020 has become the year of the staycation because of the Covid-19 pandemic. At first this felt very restrictive but we, like many, have found a good staycation can be as relaxing as any foreign holiday, if not more so!

We have just had two blissful nights in beautiful Donegal. Not having to pack everything into a tiny bag/case.......fill the car with clothes, coats and footwear for every eventuality.......... end up wearing shorts and t-shirts for the whole trip due to the beautiful weather. No hanging around waiting for flights, just turn the key in our ignition, make sure the tank is full, and off we go. No worries about things to do, just look around. No worries about speaking the language, just give a smile if you can’t understand what they’re saying. No worries about being welcomed by the locals, you’ll be family as soon as you arrive. 

Our car was filled with a ridiculous amount of clothing, camping chairs, swimming costumes/shorts and towels, cool bag with picnic lunch, and off we went. We were staying in Downings but weren’t in any rush to get there so deliberately overshot it to first visit Bunbeg and Bad Eddie’s Boat. Wow!

Picnic lunch and then along the coast, stopping in Portnablagh and anywhere else that took our fancy! We arrived at our hotel that evening. 

Honestly, calling it the Beach Hotel was a stretch...... there is a beach, but the hotel is right on the main road, with a view at the front of houses set on a hillside (we could see right into a number of living rooms from our room!) At the back there is a beautiful beach but in between it and the hotel is unfortunately a large caravan park! It’s only a three storey building so any hope of a sea view was ambitious. The bed was like sleeping on a slab of concrete, but the beach was only a short meander through the caravan park and it was outstanding.

The next morning we went down for a swim. What a treat! Hubby described it as looking like a Canadian lake. The tide was quite low so it took ages to get submerged, but when we did........ absolutely glorious. Cool water but definitely not what I would describe as ‘cold’, millpond calm and crystal clear, surrounded by mountains and with the sun on our faces. 

After showers and breakfast we were off adventuring again. This time we were looking for the Murder Hole Beach. Described as ‘secret and mysterious’, we had been told by locals that it was a 15 -20 minute trek across fields...... but “the farmer doesn’t mind and the bull is friendly”!! We were told it was well worth the effort. It was. And it wasn’t nearly as much effort as we’d been led to believe! The hardest part was scrambling back up a sand dune to get out.......and avoiding the cow pats!! We were lucky enough to arrive at low tide so were able to walk the two beaches that join together, resulting in a breathtaking space. Unfortunately it’s not safe for swimming but the sea was peacock blue and the waves breaking over the rocks just made it more beautiful.

Donegal, we love you. Next time we will stay longer and travel further. Staycationing ain’t no hardship when you live here!!

Living with......and loving life xx

Days like this

“When it’s not always raining, there’ll be days like this”

Van Morrison

We have had the most beautiful weather the past few days. It makes me really appreciate living so close to the coast in such a beautiful part of the world. 

I took Tues - Fri off work last week. A break was needed, but there was also some serious family business to attend to. It was a fairly heavy and serious week but we managed to finish it off with some relaxation time.

After a 6am sunrise swim yesterday morning, and a day spent by the sea with family and a dear friend, this morning was about more practical things. Back to work on Monday so washing, a supermarket shop and a few other messages to be done. Somewhat frustratingly the neighbours behind us decided to cut their fir trees, scattering cuttings into our garden. It happens every year and we usually (quite childishly, I know) throw the cuttings back over the fence into his garden to make a point! This year I decided to be bolder....... When we finished doing up our garden a few weeks ago we put up some solar lights. My husband fixed the wee solar panel bit to the top of the fence. The neighbour came and asked him to move it which he duly did, without fuss. Today as the ‘firnado’ came scattering into one of our lovingly made and planted new flowerbeds, I went out and made my presence known, with the full intention of asking him to come round and tidy up when he was finished! He saw me and said he’d be finished shortly and just to fire any cuttings back over into his garden. I softened a bit and laughed, saying “Sure that’s what we do every other year!” He commented that the garden looked lovely and I softened a bit more, jokingly telling him he’d better not wreck it with his cuttings! Unfortunately this year was worse than ever and one of our lovely wee beds was filled with wee snips of fir tree. We tidied it up as best we could but it was like trying to lift dandelion clocks that had been blown into the wind by an excited child.....scattered everywhere. We could’ve done it all day and still found more. 

In the end up it got too warm and we decided to walk the dog and go on an adventure. We packed a picnic and headed off for a cliff top path overlooking the sea. No point trying to get close to the beach today.......covid-19 has forced people to appreciate what’s on their doorsteps, and indeed on other people’s doorsteps, and the North Coast is rammed!! 

Thankfully, being local, we found a quieter place. There were still plenty of people about, but we were able to find a grassy spot of relative peace, right beside the sea. As we ate our picnic, we looked at all the different rock pools in front of us and pondered which ones might be suitable for swimming in. As we did so two girls came down to our wee patch of heaven. They headed off across the rocks to a pool we’d been admiring. We watched enviously as they put down their bags, stripped off their clothes to reveal their swimsuits, and tentatively entered the water. I wished so much that I had had mine with me! We even briefly considered going for a dip in our underwear but decided there were too many people, particularly families, on the path above.......don’t want to scare the children lol!! 

When they got out we waited for them to come back past us so I could ask about the safety and ease of getting in and out of the pool. They both confirmed it was easy enough and, as we chatted on, it transpired that one of the girls is in remission following cancer treatment. We compared a few notes and both extolled the benefits of the sea air and sea dipping. It was wonderful to meet a stranger who completely understood and agreed with my assertion that it’s curative in so many ways. Serendipity strikes yet again! 

The past few days have confirmed a few things for me;

• I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth and on days like this there is nowhere else I’d rather be.
• My husband is the best ever. He even got up at 5.15am yesterday to sunrise dip with me because my Sea Sister is away in her motor home.
• The sea can cure all ills. There is nothing in this world to compare to time beside, and preferably in, it. Especially when your favourite people are with you.

We all needs days like this :) xx

Sunrise swimming

Today was a very special day. Today I had my first ever sunrise sea swim. My dear friend asked me to join her and I could think of no good reason why I shouldn’t give it a go. Not much point banging on about self healing and living life to the fullest if I’m going to let opportunities to enjoy positive experiences pass me by!

I was up at 5am. Sounds early but I used to be up at 5.15 to go to work in Belfast every week day and we get up just after 6 for work 4 days a week now, so it was no massive hardship. 

Boy was it worth it! I was collected by one of my best ever friends and her husband. We reached The Arcadia in Portrush by 05.30 and looked out across a beautiful glassy sea. The moon was high in the sky but on the horizon we could see faintly brighter sky.

My friend’s husband took off on his paddle board and the wee doll and I left our stuff on the beach and began to wade into the water. It took a while for it to get deep enough to properly submerge but when we did......... bliss!

The water was cold but not freezing. Just cold enough to be invigorating. The waves were small and far apart..... no sea slaps, just silky smooth ripples of crystal clear, calm ocean. 

As we bobbed about, slowly stretching out our limbs and feeling any previously felt aches being washed away we saw an unmistakable orange glow in the distance. Sunrise. What a sight! It climbed up slowly, and we had to turn away at times because it was so bright. We would face out to sea and feel the sun on our faces and then turn towards shore, waiting for the spots in our vision to clear so we could gaze at the picture perfect moon sitting high over the buildings.

I felt so relaxed and happy. Any worries washed away with the water. As I watched the sun rise and felt the cool water all around me with my dear friend of more years than I care to count beside me, all was right with the world.

Xx