After the storm....

"Toad leaned his elbows on the table, and his chin on his paws; and a large tear welled up in each of his eyes, overflowed and splashed on the table, plop, plop!

'Go on Ratty,' he murmured presently; 'tell me all. The worst is over. I am an animal again. I can bear it.'" 

You know the way after a thunder and lightning storm the air feels cleared? That's how today feels for my head. I can't think of any other way to describe it, even though I know it sounds a bit mental. It feels like there was a surge of electricity through my brain yesterday morning, sheet lightning across one side of my head. Leaving me exhausted but not alarmed. I didn't fight the exhaustion the way it's often tempting to try and do. I just went with it. A day in bed, reading.

Last night I slept a totally different type of sleep. A calm, relaxed nights sleep. I woke gently....... well, as gently as you can to a 6.15am alarm! I felt tired and had a headache, but very able to go about my day. Knowing how these things can change, and also probably because I was home alone with no plans, I haven't chanced my arm today. A quick walk this morning. I even meditated in a shady spot in the back garden!! Then a day spent organising a few wee bits and bobs, reading, and even a solo walk to the shop down the road to post a package...... We're back to celebrating wee things after the first chemo sucker punch, so that was positively champagne worthy!! 

I'll stick to water, but am very glad chemo cycle one seems to be leaving me alone now........ though I probably should learn not to say things like that!! No smiting please!! I'm trying to reassure friends and give hope to others that it'll get better..... it's not pride or arrogance. And just to beg my case further..... 9 months of chemo is going to be horrible. Rest assured of that. I can only do it because I believe what the specialist has told me, because of the support of my family and friends, and because others can do it and I won't be beaten. I'm definitely not suggesting it'll be a breeze, nor am I suggesting I'm a hero. I just feel so much better today and I'm happy about that. 

And finally..... the massive spider that my sister and I lost months back reappeared today.  I know I wrote about him at the time. The one my dog heard before she saw it! I recognised him..... and he waved at me just to make sure I knew it was him. I know I should've been kind and let him outdoors, but he was fast moving and clearly on serious amounts of steroids..... he has gone to the great web in the sky.   Another slightly interesting brain foible though..... I seem to have lost my chronic arachnophobia. Last year that big boy would've caused me to leave the room, squealing. Now he caused me to spring up and run st him without a second thought, and I even tidied up the carcass (still not convinced it won't block the drains! A big result of the perfect spider growing weather!) It seems there's only room for a certain number of phobias....... I've lost this one to make room for all the new ones!! Xxx