Cocky.......

What did I say the definition of cocky was again?? Did I suggest it involved thinking you were the bees knees for going for a walk and powering through headaches? Did I imply it was making out you're heroically charging through your first cycle of chemo, with nothing more than a few minor symptoms, probably largely brought on by anxiety? Did I say that being cocky, regardless of whether it was with the intentions of 'positive self talk', is often a trait of someone who has the art of speaking too soon, without learning how easy it is to scud yourself?? Me?? Cocky?? Possibly...... Definitely...... but not deliberately. I'm still learning the balance between being upbeat and positive and providing reassurance to myself and others that all is ok, whilst not underestimating the abuse my body has taken and continues to take.

They call it 'a journey' for a reason. It takes a long time, can be hugely frustrating, will include enjoyable moments and hugely horrible moments. But it's also a road travelled by many before. The number and size of the stones on the path will be different for everyone, but there will undoubtedly be a few boulders! 

Yesterday I spent some time 'taking a bit of control back'........ I made some approaches about possible work to be done between chemo cycles in order to keep my mind challenged, and I arranged to go and meet a PT who runs a weekly Macmillan rehab exercise class for those in cancer treatment. Part exercise class/ part support group seems to be how it works. Gentle, closely monitored exercise, in a safe environment, alongside others learning to adjust their lives. I was quite excited by both these prospects. I don't want to spend 9 months stagnating, particularly not between cycles when I'll hopefully feel a lot more like myself. So plans were being hatched..... slowly....... feelers being put out...... tentatively building a life back up..... another short term plan for the next stage of the road....... 

All was well...... then came a phone call. A GP telling me my bloods weren't quite right. As usual, I had no clue what this means. In my bid to prevent myself from getting over anxious, I really haven't educated myself in the way I would have if it were a family member or if it were less scary and serious. As a result, I often don't really understand the medical speak. Having gained some information about white cell counts, I rang the Helpline number I was encouraged to ring if ever you have any questions. I've rung it before and am quite sure the last entry was closed as "Tricia rang in a flap, completely overthinking something. She eventually talked herself down and is now fine. No further action required." This time was slightly different though....... a check of the blood results and a series of questions, before a call back to tell me to go to my nearest A&E.  Go directly to A&E, do not pass Go, do not collect £200........ Do you need me to send an ambulance to collect you?? No, I'm grand thanks..... I could probably have walked, albeit slowly....... 

I could write this up with a melodramatic edge, and make it into a really long story, but the short story is that if you're on chemo you're at serious risk of life threatening infection. As a result, if your white blood cells are low, you need a full check to make sure you're not showing any other signs of infection. I had some minor indications that could've suggested an infection. I'm glad they were thorough and take it seriously. As a result, I spent 5 hours in A&E getting checked, and then thankfully redone bloods came back 'perfect'. My biggest achievement throughout this was remaining mostly calm and still managing to share some laughs. 

A fantastic nurse. Kind, caring, definitely in the right job! And a doctor who was a very beautiful Russian. No nonsense, no fuss, explained everything she was doing and why. In both doctor and nurse I had that mix I've come to love of confident yet caring. It makes such a difference. They felt like safe pairs of hands. Plus a wonderful sense of humour, particularly from the doctor! When I (as usual, completely inappropriately) told her she was very beautiful and reminded me of a Bond girl....... she laughed and responded "I'm always cynical of compliments, because I have a mirror at home!"..... I told her "Well then you should look in it!" We shared fun Bond facts and she even quoted Pushkin to me (not an exact translation she told me, but wonderfully funny and appropriate to what we were discussing at the time!) 

So a bit of a drama, but not really a drama after all. As one of favourite friends in the whole world quipped after I got home "Bloods fine. Pee fine. For everything else there's MasterCard!" 

I guess this is the road of chemo. Hitches like that are frightening, but I'm grateful it's all taken so seriously. I certainly won't start panicking every time I wake up in a sweat or get a headache (which is probably just as well!), but I won't take chances and ignore any possible indications of trouble. I've said from the start that I 'won't die from stupidity'..... I keep the alarms set on my phone to ensure I take my meds, I don't take unnecessary risks, I obey the diet rules, I try to look after myself physically and mentally, and if I'm worried about something then I'll ask. I'm no hero! 

After a late night and bearing in mind I'm still taking my "cyanide capsules" every night, I had a very lazy day today. I went back to bed and have done nothing more challenging than laugh with my mate.....the one who sent me the video of him lip syncing to Whitney....... not exactly a pressured day! The height of this evening's plans are that  I will get out of pyjamas, go for my evening walk, force feed myself and then go back to bed...... Just for today. Tomorrow I've got hubby at home so a taxi and a Zimmer frame all in one!! The possibilities are endless!!

My friend starts her first chemo cycle this afternoon. I am holding off posting this for fear of causing her any unnecessary anxiety..... though she's far smarter and calmer than me, so I suspect I'm worrying unnecessarily! A tower of strength, this girl was having charity coffee mornings when I 'wasn't doing public' and then decided to go abroad to get her thoughts straight...... as I clung to family and friends....... No, I can't imagine her being even remotely phased by a wee blip. I am hugely proud of her as she jumps into the next stage of the journey. It's scary, but as Ralph Waldo Emerson is attributed with saying "What we fear of doing most, is usually what we need most to do".  My oncologist told me "Let's throw everything at this"...... that's what we're doing. That's what everyone doing chemo is doing. Warriors.

Xxx