Psychological warfare

I guess we all have an image of what it's like to undertake chemotherapy. I've no doubt for most it's a very negative one. It certainly always was for me. I can remember having theoretical (and completely full of crap) conversations in which I declared "I just wouldn't do it. You're poisoning your body. If cancer's in you then it's in you. Not much you can do." I had no idea how much naive, ignorant nonsense I was capable of spouting out. These things are so easy to say, until you're faced with the realities. The truth is that it's easy to fight against medical advice...... because that's the easier option. If I could heal myself without having to do chemo then of course I would!! Sometimes it might be the right thing to do but the fact is that the science is there to support positive outcomes for my tumour type at grades 2 and 4...... the research hasn't been done for grade 3 but it doesn't take a brain surgeon to work out it's likely to have positive outcomes too (with a reminder that the fast majority of my tumour is grade 2). 

I opted to do chemo because my oncologist gained my trust and respect and because, like her, I'm prepared to "throw everything at this!"  I didn't want to do it and spent much time subconsciously trying to get an easy way out. Partly I think because I've always had a slight doubt and natural questioning of authority and I never, ever do things just because I'm told to!..... but mostly probably because I was scared. 

I'm still scared, but the reality is that people do far more aggressive chemo than the type I'm doing. After IV on Tuesday, I take tablets every night for 10 days and we're now at Friday...... at the risk of completely scudding myself, I've been politely sick once, I'm very tired and definitely wobblier on my legs than I have been....... but have still managed to go for short walks, have friends visit, and even suffered a short visit to the supermarket yesterday evening.  I'm not enjoying it, but I'm not lying in a hospital bed with no quality of life. 

As ever, the biggest challenge remains keeping myself calm. Making sure I don't jump ahead and start writing a whole story around the tiniest of things. Just chilling out!! Not an easy thing to do when you're used to getting up at 5.15am every weekday, driving 55 miles to work, getting stuck into work and getting home around 6.30pm at the earliest. Add in the frequent gigs.... often midweek..... and the weekend hikes....... and it's not much wonder I'm having to work on discovering different ways to still my mind. It seems to just whir constantly. Usually not in a bad way, but when it does turn it can be debilitating. I never would've believed I'd be the one waking up in an anxiety attack or bursting into tears out of the blue, often with no idea why. I write about it, in part to let others know it's ok, and also to remind myself not to be ashamed of it. The one who's talking about it, isn't the one you really need to worry about I wouldn't think..... So I'll unashamedly admit that I've woken up the last 2 mornings in a panic, with no real explanation. Feeling tired and nauseaous is, I suspect, often more to do with my anxiety than the chemo! It's certainly not helping. I continue to work through it using relaxation techniques, humour and the support of family/friends, but it's often a daily battle for me that I reckon has probably been harder than the physical one.

Another big, current challenge is around food. You're advised against certain foods and this has removed a few of my staples...... bananas, nuts......great high protein/ fill you up snacks that I now can't eat. There's a list of other stuff that basically removes any sauces or gravies. Even things like broccoli. You can try them but they might make you sick....... I'll not bother taking the chance thanks! It's going to be a bland old diet in this house......I'm going to have to find some other options, or I'll be a very hungry girl. Though I've somehow managed to put on half a stone since surgery! You're told to eat protein rich foods during radio and I take these sort of instructions seriously! Now I'm having to rethink it all again, but at least I have that half stone to play with.

Ten days of tablets and six cycles of treatment over around nine months seems like a lifetime to me. It's like the radio...... 30 treatments, 6 weeks felt like forever. Then it flew in! I don't want to wish the next 9 months of my life away, but I also know it's incredibly difficult to commit to anything as I just never know what's going to come next. It's going to be a long stint, but by Thursday I'll have the first one finished. Each cycle can affect you differently, and I expect I'll learn a few tricks along the way..... But I can also see how I could genuinely have more of a real life back in between treatments. It gives me valuable healing time too, that I didn't really get post surgery or radio. I could do with a chauffeur and I really need this eardrum to fix itself, but I think I'm crawling back a little bit....... Impatience is fairly pointless at the moment, so I'll stick with just seeing how things go..... 

Not my most amusing of blogs..... im tired and I'm allowed to be serious. I'll try to do better next time! Xxx