I'll not lie, the first day of chemo was terrifying. I was awake at 4, thinking I'd slept in, and up at 6.15 with my heart pounding in my chest. I tried to divert the emotion but really just ended up a.bit hyper. Hubby had the tears this morning....... I'm sure people drive past us walking the dog and wonder why I'm often crying at 7am!
As usual, my sister and best friends were there in waiting. A wee meet up for a cuppa before heading up the road this morning kept me motivated and confident. My poor sister took the brunt of my anxiety as I ran over every trauma we've ever experienced in our lives. Hubby had to listen to some tears before work too...... truthfully I really couldn't explain why I was crying. Probably mostly the 'this is crap' tears, where you just feel really sorry for yourself.
Spurred on by my back up team, I donned my "Secretly hoping chemo will give me superpowers" t-shirt and we headed up the road. I cried on and off at various points and sis talked me down. We arrived in good time and shared a sandwich before heading up for the next steps. I'll openly admit I was fragile. More so than I've felt for a while. Just that bubbling of tears and fear sitting in my chest and stomach. I was deep breathing, reading relaxing magazines and sharing laughs, but it was definitely there.
As I watched my consultant walk in I said to my sister "I am NOT crying in front of her again! She thinks I'm not psychologically strong enough to do this. She can f*ck off, I'll be doing it!" Needless to say I did cry in front of her, but for different reasons than before....... partly every meeting with someone senior reminds me of what's going on. I have to face reality. But honestly, this time I cried because I realised I liked her and I felt like she liked me.. I felt like there was something of a mutual respect passed between us. To have a rapport with her is vital for me, and today I felt it for the first time. I trusted her. I believed her. She wasn't sugar coating, but she was confirming what I already knew; that everyone is different and that all my treatment has gone even better than expected. She told me she had faith in me. That I was fit and able to do the chemo and that she, as the expert, believed it was the right thing to do. Just like my surgeon...... I'm the expert. I know what I'm doing. I won't take any chances with you. You do your bit and let me do mine. It was like a corner completely turned for me. I felt s warmth from her I hadnt felt before and, most importantly, I believed her. The next leap of faith became easier again. So I cried with relief to some extent...... and also because I was so glad I'd found another person I could trust. When your life is in someone's hands, you have to trust them not to let you down. Today I felt that. So I cried. Yet again! No doubt leaving her thinking I was completely unstable and unable to complete the treatment. This won't be an issue. If I say I'm doing it, then I'll do it......
And I did. The next challenge was with getting a cannula in....... my veins just really don't like them!! The nurses were wonderful and very kind and reassuring...... but it was the fourth one who eventually got it in. I didn't mind that so much..... it wasn't another RVH 6 veins, this was different people trying to get s needle into rubbish veins. Eventually we got there and then began the 5 minute infusion. Unpleasant. Definitely. I hate taking tablets, I hate things going into my veins even more! But it's 5 mins. I can do that. Deep breathing through the tears and then it was done. I've done far worse. It's been agreed that a pic line will be put in before my next treatment, to remove the cannula challenge/trauma every time. Definitely the plan for me I think! Bearing in mind, I begged RVH to leave a cannula in me before I left, swearing "you take that out of me and you're never getting one back in. I'll never let anyone near my arms again!" At one stage I'd even had one in my foot! The pic line goes into my upper arm and stays there. It can be used for everything; bloods, chemo, scans. Dead on by me!
So now I'm home. I take 10 days of tablets and that's me until the next time. Most common side effect is being sick for a few days. I've got anti nausea medication and a positive attitude that it won't happen! My plan now is to still get out for my walks, but other than that just rest up. Give myself a few days to get over the emotional stress of the day, never mind the physical.
Most importantly...... one down, five to go! Radio was 30 and every, single day..... I did that, I've got this. The whole thing remains crap. I don't think I'll ever really understand what happened. But we're 6 months in now and have another 9 months of treatment. Plus potentially a lifetime (hopefully a long one) of scans. That's called living with cancer. People all around us are doing it, many who are older and frailer, or don't have the support team that I have.
Some of my radio loss hair is even starting to fight it's way back...... it's not as strong willed as the surgical loss hair. Fluffier,......paler...... stringy. But it'll get there. I'll have the best mullet ever in no time at this rate!
I'm now at least an hour past my bedtime. It's been a long and stressy day. But it's another step forward. I'm off to enjoy one of my "Calm Sleep Stories"...... then a good nights sleep and a restful day tomorrow. And maybe the next day. But then it's back to building life back again! Even if it's a quiet life for a while...... we'll see. Hopefully not too quiet all the time! Xxx
No comments:
Post a Comment