Rebellions and meltdowns

Two of my friends went on holiday to Canada at stages of their 'cancer journey' when they needed thinking time (independently. They don't know each other). My biggest rebellions have been to stubbornly (and completely illogically) refuse treatments at various stages, and tonight to eat a dirty McDonalds which is very likely to contain ingredients I'm not supposed to eat. Refusing the treatments was stupid and thankfully people took time to remind me that I'm not. The McDonalds was driven purely by hunger, laziness and a sudden craving. If I spend the night throwing it back up, I'm hoping it'll have been worth it...... it did taste pretty good and it was only a kiddies meal.......  I'm amazed by how good it can feel to just do something I'd have taken for granted 6 months ago.  I do remember getting my son to sneak a McDonald's into hospital just after surgery as well, so it seems my rebellions are very simple indeed....! For a heavy metal loving, frequent 'rule questioner' it seems I'm not becessarily the black sheep of the family I was always given credit for being...... 

Cycle 1 of chemo is now complete. I took the final tablets last night. It was tough going at times, but like everything before, manageable. Oddly today was probably my worst day. I had a very vivid dream through the night and woke hubby at 04.14am to tell him to be ready to answer the door because friends had found s recipe for a drink that stops all the side effects of my chemo and that they were sending some up, along with the recipe and some fresh ginger (an important ingredient....) He didn't wake up so it's just as well I appear to have lost any potential abilities to see into the future...... Anyway, the interrupted sleep, the build up of chemo, and the adrenaline of having got through another small stage combined a bit..... I woke up exhausted and extremely anxious. I slept most of the morning, trying at different stages to do things to get the bubbling tension abated. The problem with anxiety is that it can physically manifest in ways that can be indicative of something much more serious. So when my head is thumping, the blood is whooshing in my ears, I feel sick, my hearts pounding, and I'm physically shaking, am I anxious or is something serious going on?? This morning's nerves were a little unexpected...... though I'm not sure why........ it's change. That's what my underlying issue always is. I've just got used to one thing...... the first morning I wake up to something new will always be a danger time. I manage it pretty well now as a general rule, though today was worse than I've experienced for a while. 

As ever, I must've sent out some sort of distress signal energy. A few friends provided a bit of 'text counsel' and a friend arrived telling me she needed a hug..... she knew I was struggling, but she selflessly made it look like I was doing her a favour, getting her out of a job she was meant to be doing. We talked openly, I cried, she offered her usual kindness and, as ever, I was reminded of the wonderful group of people in surrounded by. My meltdowns are far less frequent now, but there is ALWAYS someone there to scrape up the mess.......... 

So now I'm back to being positive and remembering (as one of my wonderful medical team said to me earlier) "how far you've [ive] come". I've always had issues with change...... never my strong suit. But as they say 'it's the one thing in life that's guaranteed......' There are at least a billion quotes on Facebook about learning how to surf etc etc...... I think I'll stick with 'Suck it up, buttercup'! I've been dealt a crap turn, but I've got a treatment plan and an opportunity to get my life back...... I've learnt I'm a bit more fragile than I'd thought before.... big deal, people love a sensitive soul.... I'll have to live with something that I was already living with anyway....... I just didn't know it before! I've no idea if I've blogged this quote before, but it's a good one;

"What is true is already so.

Owning up to it doesn't make it worse.

Not being open about it doesn't make it go away.

And because it's true, it is what is there to be interacted with.

Anything untrue isn't there to be lived.

People can stand what is true,

for they are already enduring it."

—Eugene Gendlin

As I look at the suddenly massive font, I'm pretty sure I have blogged that before..... and been equally perturbed by the supersized text. 

Sure, what odds, the point remains the same..... we're all living with demons. They might be mental, they might be physical. We might be aware of them, we might not. But at some point they'll make themselves known. And we'll have to deal with them. If you're lucky, with the help of a strong Support Team. Suck it up, buttercup......!!