Everyone who goes through treatment for a brain tumour will walk a different path due to the huge number of variables, but writing helps me rationalise things, as well as hopefully allaying fears experienced by others. Plus we already established the surgery turned me into Jim Carey in Liar Liar and I remain completely unable to butter things up!
The past few days, since finishing the first chemo cycle have generally been 'odd'. Mostly I'm just exhausted and with awful headaches, but managed to spend hours in town yesterday and am able to go for walks etc. I've been having madly vivid dreams and seem to wake up in a very 'bolt upright' kind of way...... there's no gentle wakening up..... it's a full PING, BRAIN ON! Mostly I've managed that through extra sleep and slow starts.
Today was the same but even more so. I woke with so many thoughts in my head I felt like I was having an adrenaline rush. I could've run a marathon or written a novel. I knew it wasn't a 'normal' high so spent time relaxing myself back down to a more sensible level. Then I caught an extra few hours sleep, hoping I'd wake up a bit more normally. I didn't. This time it was even worse! A million thoughts throwing themselves round my head.... so many they were like dandelion seeds in the wind, with me completely unable to catch any of them....... then I began to feel like I could literally feel the signals moving through one side of my brain. Little electrical charges, tingling. I'm aware this sounds completely crazy, but as previously explained I'm not filtering. It wasn't frightening. It felt weird, but it felt like I was literally feeling my brain cells working. Like they'd been healed. Electrical pulses sending the neurones flying about and causing my head to tingle.
Logically I know there will be a scientific explanation...... some sort of seizure activity I'd suspect or a 'come down' from 10 days of very heavy drugs. I prefer to think I could genuinely feel my brain healing....... or the superpowers are kicking in........ Whichever!!
Most importantly, there's been no panic or belief of impending death. Regardless of what it was, it really doesn't matter. It hasn't affected me apart from leaving me tired again. But I was already tired anyway. Have been for years ffs!! Brain tumours do that to you..... make you tired, give you headaches. The nice thing now is that I get to stay in bed when I'm tired. I can read The Wind in the Willows and relax. I wouldn't want to do that every day and am working on plans to ensure I can't, but it's always an option for when my healthy brain cells get particularly busy healing themselves and killing off the bad ones......
I've said before that our brains are amazing..... I'm even more convinced now. If I could genuinely feel my brain healing then that's amazing, equally so if it's due to drugs or the awakening of superpowers...!! I'm starting to feel a real urge to start looking at the whole 'how the brain works' side of things...... I'm resisting because I know I'll likely read something I didn't want to read and even more likely I'll start becoming an even bigger nightmare to my poor medical team!! Could you imagine??...... doesn't bare thinking about!! Dr Google doesn't do a degree in brain science...... neither should I...... Think I'll stick to The Wind in the Willows..... This week does also bring discussions about physical and mental projects....... seems like a good plan to me! A bit of work and a bit of exercise without a full leap into the real world is exactly what the doctor ordered. The fact is that my life has been completely abnormal for six months. I know I need to be careful and take things slow, but you don't generally get better by lying in a bed..... dipping a toe.......!
"'Beyond the Wild Wood comes the Wide World,' said the Rat. 'And that's something that doesn't matter, either to you or me. I've never been there, and I'm never going, nor you either, if you've got any sense at all.'
The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame
There's no escaping the wide world and I know I need to get back into it for so many reasons, but I'll be keeping a good tight hold of Ratty and Badgers' hands! Xxx
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