Pride, relaxation and obeying instructions

I remain hugely proud of my fellow warriors. In the past few days alone, one has told me she's off to Canada to get her head straight, another has also gone to Canada because 'frig it, I'll not be able to do it for a while' and a third has gone on a cruise round Italy, Spain and France! My heart sings for each of them, I'm so proud and in awe! I still fight a bit of a confidence battle and couldn't imagine going abroad at the current time. I'm a lot better than I have been, but it still dips, and sometimes it can take a lot of work by me (with much help from others) to maintain the ability to live a life and resist the ocassional urge to hide  under the covers.

I keep saying I'm going to have a jammie day, but rarely carry it through.... I didn't exactly stress myself yesterday, with my big aim being to shower before reiki! Mission accomplished, I'm glad to say. As usual I came home relaxed and more confident in myself. I'm becoming quite good at meditation I think...... and am amazed at the difference it makes. I know there's research etc, but it's only when you feel how much it helps that you really believe it. I maintain my belief that it doesn't matter if you take your quiet moments in prayer, meditation or another way..... so long as you do it! Block out the world for a while. Learning 'how to breathe' and visual imagery have been the most important things for me...... allowing me to settle my overanalysing mind, calm anxiety and deal with potentially panic inducing situations. 

Tomorrow I am going to the funeral of a former wardmate and dear friend. Even now, she continues to help me. I will always be inspired by her attitude and ability to keep smiling, despite being faced with an awful diagnosis with no available treatment. She reminds me of how lucky I am. Plus my memories of her make me smile. She was very strict the last time I saw her that she would always be with me and that we were to celebrate her life. I only got to know her very close to the end of her life, but it's not hard to celebrate her. Tomorrow I will go to her funeral dressed more like I'm going to a wedding., because I know she'd like that. I know my choice of a bright coloured, patterned dress and a summer straw hat will be approved of.  My need to honour her means I will be out of PJs, leisurewear and (rarely) jeans, for the first time in the past 6 months! So she continues to inspire and motivate me, just like she did from across the ward after my surgeries....... when someone is off getting showered and their hair straightened no matter how much effort it takes, and you're deciding whether to scratch your nose or ask your sister to do it, it's pretty hard not to give yourself a bit of a shake! Making an effort for her tomorrow, feels appropriate and I know I'll go home with a sense of achievement that she has given me...... yet again.  I do sometimes still worry that I'll just get it all completely wrong...... I never was very good at 'being a girl' and that hasn't really changed. It's a bad job when you're looking at yourself in a rather fetching and pretty hat but are still asking "You know that bit in Toy Story where Buzz Lightyear is stuck with the wee girl next door, and she's having a tea party? I don't look like that, do I??"  I have been reassured I don't..... by people who wouldn't allow me to go out in public if that were the case. My son is going with me, and there's no way he'd be seen with me if I were rocking a Buzz/Mrs Nesbitt look........ Whats truly reflective of the confidence knock that serious and unexpected illness gives you is the very fact I even have to ask! It'll just take time to get back to the 'f*ck it, that looks grand. What're you looking at me like that for?? I know you don't like it, but I do. If you don't then don't look at me' Trish......... but she's still there...... just being coaxed back out. I wish I wasn't saying goodbye to my friend tomorrow, but I'm extremely grateful for everything she gave and continues to give me. Xxx