This morning we lost the strongest link in the Ward of Winners. The mummy of the gang. Someone who helped me at the scariest time of my life. Someone who looked out for me, while inspiring me to get up and keep going. One of the most special people I have ever known. I know from having seen her recently that she was completely at peace. Her love of her family and her very strong faith resulted in a calmness and dignity that will no doubt ease everyone's sadness. Though everyone will still be sad. Because she was a beautiful person. When I was doing radio I went to see her and she gave me a ring so 'when you look at that you'll know I'm always with you'. I believe that to be true. I'm not sure I'd have been so quick to believe anyone else telling me it, but I believed her and have worn it daily since. She left strict instructions that she was to be remembered fondly, so although my heart is broken, I am also able to remember with fondness. The jokes from across the Ward..... the secret gifts of homemade cheesecake..... the laughter at another wardmate who dreamt of Jack Nicholson and shouted out through the night "Jack! Jack!"...... the inspiration of watching her get up and use her 'three-wheeler' to get across the ward when I couldn't even be bothered to scratch my nose......... her pride when her sister washed and straightened her hair (as I brushed mine with a baby brush, joking I was like a mermaid!)........ our daily joke where she said "I'm not staring at you. You're just in my line of sight", and I responded "Well I don't know why you wouldn't be, sure I'm gorgeous!" (With two severely black eyes and a strip of surgical tape covering the would going round the entire side of my head!) She was one of the most beautiful people I've ever known and I have cried today for the world's loss. But I also remember her with a smile, because I know our friendship is a prime example of why people say "everything happens for a reason". I wish I'd met her in different circumstances, but I'm honoured to have met her.
Knowing her serenity and peace came largely from her devout beliefs, I felt it would be nice to go to a chapel. I lit a candle for her and just spent a bit of time lost in memories of her. I think she'd have liked me doing that...... whilst laughing at my slight ineptitude at knowing what you're supposed to do!
Whilst trying to deal with this news, I had to get my blood tests redone. I asked a few too many questions and ended up being told my chemo may not be started on Tuesday. The chemo that I caused such fuss over and which I would rather run naked up the street than have to deal with........ yes, that one........ the chemo I spent days meditating and being counselled by friends and family over, to the point of running the risk of going in on Tuesday in a robe with the hood up, thumping my fists together and shouting "DO IT!"....... yes, that one. There's possibly nothing worse than psyching yourself up for something terrifying, then to be told it might not happen. Like preparing to abseil down the Obel Tower and then being told the wind is the wrong direction. What I am proud of is that I didn't have a total meltdown. Although I'm still very likely to do exactly that on Tuesday! A few tears and definite worry, but I was able to rationalise it. If you can't do it, it's for a reason. Your body isn't ready. A short postponement won't make any difference. Better to know and have these things dealt with. At one point I even became convinced my friend's funeral would be on Tuesday and that's where I was meant to be. In the end up my friends funeral is Monday, and at this stage there's nothing to say my chemo will be delayed. And you know what? If it is, it is. Personally I'd rather just get on with things now. I promised a friend that 2018 would be our year, so the less this nonsense can encroach on it the better! As it stands, the plan is still on. Independence Day. I intend to spend the weekend resting up and getting tour fit again. Drawing on the strength and calmness of my dear friend. Xxx
Very nice Tricia.
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