On my kitchen table are three bags full of goodies given to me by radio buddies at various times...... one for single Figures Day, one just to keep me up, and one for Final Radio Day (I haven't looked in that one..... it'll be a treat for when I get back on Tuesday!) Spoilt!
I spent Tuesday and Wednesday with my sister in a nice Belfast hotel. What could be better? I didn't get to see too many people this time as the tiredness had hit a bit, but I did get some lovely walks and the company of my sister (who you all already know is the best ever!) God love her I'm sure I kept her awake all night as I was having a pretty horrific nightmare..... I dreamt I was having an absence seizure that I felt sure was going to turn into a major seizure. I woke sweating, convinced it was true. Then I realised I wasn't on the Lagan Towpath and one of my radio buddies in her 70s wasn't beside me...... if that bit wasn't true then the rest isn't either I told myself (whilst still slightly worried that parts of it were true....) I then realised I was lying on my side completely rigidly and that my arm was almost asleep from being lain on..... so not so much a seizure as a dead arm! Idiot!! The good bit for me was that I could distinguish that and was able to calm myself down and go back to sleep. 6 weeks ago I wouldn't have been able to do that..... I'd have been sitting up, shaking like a leaf, having a full blown panic attack and being sure of my imminent death...... Not now. Now I can remind myself I'm grand, breathe deeply and go back to sleep the same way we all do after having a nightmare.
In terms of side effects I guess I'm still probably pretty lucky compared to some. Tired without a doubt, but hubby and I still go for short walks every morning and evening. It helps, even more so on the days I really can't be bothered! I get up early, keep going all day, but then rest up after dinner. Just relaxing, usually reading a book. I'd recommend Chicken Soup for the Soul..... there's a whole series of them, but I just picked up the original one from a charity shop. £2.49 well spent! Easy read and very positive.
The newest side effect is what feels like fluid in my ear..... I can't always hear properly and I'm getting some ringing etc. Unpleasant but better than some of the stuff others experience. I still get the odd wave of nausea and I'm sometimes a bit dizzy, but moving slowly helps with that! No sudden movements... Headaches stop me doing that anyway! My skin is also now painful. It's like sunburn and just hurts. You're given cream for it and I've only 3 zaps to go so I'm sure it'll be grand. I've seen others with really angry looking patches....... making me realise what a drama queen I'm being over my wee red bits! I have become appalling with placing people..... I either ask strangers if we went to school together, or I walk past someone I met an hour previous! I have to finish tasks from start to finish in one go or it just won't get done. If I get distracted at all then forget it! I've learnt to just laugh at these things now..... hardly the worst things that could happen. When I think back to my time prior to surgery when I was wondering how I'd feel if I was left paralysed down one side, a few oddities that probably existed before seem completely acceptable to me!
As usual, serendipitous things happen on a daily basis. A priest told me yesterday that in his line of work they call that provenance. Another good word, though serendipity remains my favourite simply for how it sounds! Whatever it is, it's pretty incredible when stars align or seemingly unrelated things come together in a completely inexplicable way! Never fails to make me smile..... and it happens to me every single day without fail! I've so many examples I could write a book.
Hippy Trish is definitely staying, but I'm now working towards very gently dipping a toe back into the real world. Everything has been about my illness, every emotion or pain overanalysed....... Now I need to start remembering there's another world going on that doesn't centre around me! I've no interest in jumping back in and being exactly how I was before....... I don't want any stress or worry, i don't want to be short tempered or sometimes a bit crabbit. It's about me going back to real life whilst maintaining the new happy stress free me that takes time to look around them. I won't be able to avoid the rush and demands of the world forever, but now I can put the newfound skills I've learnt to ensure I don't get dragged in. So yes there'll be bills to pay and a house to run, but I will do that in a relaxed way. I'll not overthink it all or jump ahead in order to catastrophise! I'll just think about what needs done and then sort it out and forget about it. I'll have to master it because there's going to be some intense times ahead. I'll soon hear if chemo is recommended next. I'll also have around a 3 month wait for scans after radio ends. That's going to be a nerve wracking time if I let it be. And the fact remains that even if the scan results are completely amazing (which I, of course, think they will be!) I'm going to have a lot of scans ahead of me. You can't live a happy, healthy life if you have underlying worry bubbling in you all the time. We'll have to learn to not think about scans until we have to and then deal with each one as it comes. It'll be the only way. Plus I remain positive that a healthy lifestyle, the right attitude, living a decent life and the help of a strong support network will give me the best outcomes.
I have a couple of serendipitous stories that I'm desperate to tell but they'd identify people so I'll keep them to myself, while smiling broadly. Xxxx
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