Cry me a river

I thought the tears were out yesterday, but it seems there were plenty more still in there. Today's tsunami was set off by someone from the hospital, ringing to speak to me further about chemo starting. I feel bad for not listening to her properly the first time she spoke to me, and her kindness and patience made the tears even worse! I also still find it hard not to be embarrassed by the meltdowns. It becomes a cycle - I'm sad, I'm embarrassed, I'm more sad! Tears, tears and more tears. 

I know what everyone says is true and that I need to stop beating myself up for getting upset. That tears are ok and a necessary part of this whole thing. I have to keep telling myself that. I write honestly about it in a bid to admit to myself and to others that crying doesn't mean weak..... not in this sort of situation. It's just a bit difficult to allow yourself to do it shamelessly when you're not generally a 'crier'......  Well the truth is.... my name's Tricia and sometimes I cry my eyes out!

What I'm absolutely determined of is that I won't get myself stressed out and hinder my healing just because I'm fighting against normal emotions. So today was kind of a day of tears on and off. One thing that's definitely true is that getting myself annoyed, combined with tiredness (which crying tends to cause!), brings on absence seizures. I've had a couple of big ones the last few days and I really hadn't been having them, certainly not of any note.  Like any illness, you have to manage bits yourself. 

Tonight's blog is a very selfish one. I'm reminding myself it's ok to have a good cry. I'm admitting it publicly so that I can't pretend I'm always Miss Strong all the time, despite what I might try to let on. And it's also to remind myself of my continued amazing support and the reasons why I can do this next bit. I can and will do it because those who know me best have complete faith in me. My poor sister has spent hours on the phone to me, settling me. Hubby has listened to me and let me cry, even though it must be hard for him to watch. And as usual wonderful friends have made me laugh and just given me wee boosts. I know we shouldn't rely on others to build us up, but sometimes we have to. Confidence goes and we need reminded of who we are. I've been reminded by family, close friends and new friends that I'm strong and can do whatever needs done. I get annoyed with myself that I need people to tell me that..... but I know my confidence won't be away for long, and have readily accepted the validation today.

 So a few tears are ok. The soft, fluffy Trish might be alien to some, but she was always in there! Close friends knew her, but maybe not too many. 

This stage is no different to before surgery and before radio. I've got time to prepare for the next stage. It'll be a physical and emotional challenge.... but one I've risen to before. Boo hoo but gggrrrr too! Xxx