The letter was an appt for oncology on 4th July. Honestly, I didn't really understand what it was for..... so I rang and asked........ they confirmed this was for my first chemo treatment. What?? I promptly fell apart. Surely I should've had a review appt after radio before we leap into chemo?? In hindsight, I think my SPOC did try to warn me this would happen due to holidays, but i hadn't really absorbed what she was telling me. A common issue for me now. A wee satellite delay. I need a bit of space to think about what I'm being told. Time to absorb it. Never was good at thinking on my feet..... far worse now!
So it came as a real shock. My terror came out in anger, as it sometimes can...... cue a phone call to my consultant's secretary, demanding to know what was going on and why I hadn't seen her. (Alongside tears to my sister as always). She was fantastic..... went and got some information for me and rang me back. Patiently explained it to me and treated me with kindness. In the meantime my sister was away making phone calls too and got back even more information. I'd be lying if I said I don't find some of this stuff frustrating. It often feels so routine..... but it's my whole life. Equally though, I need to strengthen up a bit more emotionally. I have..... mostly........ but every so often I have a wee meltdown. In my defence, I've had 5 months of fairly heavy stuff going on..... and I have an ear infection that's making me miserable and I'm horribly tired a lot of the time. Id imagine I come across as horribly weak to many of those I've met in the hospital....... but I know many have also seen the other side that comes out once I've had a little time to pull out the positives and get myself settled down yet geared up.
To cut a very long story short, it's likely I will start chemo on 4th July. On that day I go up for what appears to be a type of induction day..... I'll be checked over physically, blood tests taken etc, will talk to my doctor and other people who can help me with the mental and physical impacts. Given time to think, some sister hand holding and phone calls (where would I be without her???), and some talking things through, I realise this was not bad news. It's not news...... I knew I was going for chemo next. It was just scary at the time and sometimes things aren't fully explained..... or maybe they are and I just don't quite take it in...... I find stress or tiredness can also have a major impact on my ability to concentrate, so it can be really difficult for me to take in information about something I'm scared of. Given time to think, cry and settle myself I'll always come back fighting...... but I'm not sure consultants always see that bit....... they see the quivering and confused wreck, blubbering.
Starting chemo so soon I guess can only be a good thing...... sooner it starts, sooner it ends. Sometimes it feels like you don't get a chance to recover from one thing when the next thing hits....... but if you knew you were going to receive 3 punches in the face then you'd rather get them quick wouldn't you? You wouldn't want them months or years apart. I've come too far to roll over now, but of course it's frightening. 9 months feels like a hideously long time...... but I know I'm lucky to be one of the people who's likely to get a better outcome by doing this too. I have to put my trust in the experts again..... I found that easier with a surgeon I genuinely liked. But yet again I been reassured that my consultant might seem very clinical, but is very good and there is another side that's not seen by patients. Yet again I remember that we don't have to be friends. It'd be lovely if the world got along and we all held hands and dried each other's tears, but guess what??....... it takes all sorts, and you actually probably wouldn't really want your oncologist to hold your hand all the time. I'd like us to have a better rapport, but that might come through time...... two strong minded women, sure what could go wrong?? It's amazing we're not best mates......hmmmm..... sure she'll love me once she gets to know me......
So anyway, 4th July. Independence Day. As two people have pointed out to me...... the start of me getting my in independence back!. Actually, not even the start. I'm already two thirds of the way through treatment. Like everyone else battling serious illness, I'm tired and can get overwhelmed. But I remain astounded by the number of good people around me, the strength they give me, and the body's ability to pick itself back up mentally and physically.
Not a great afternoon. Lots of tears. Lots of stress. Two 'emergency Calm' meditations! But always in the knowledge (albeit way in the back of my mind) that we'll deal with this bit, just as we have the bits before. Nobody said it was easy but I'm not letting myself, my family or all the other people that have supported me from day one, down. We can do this. This time next year we'll be looking back and won't even remember half of it!! Who knows, this time next year we could be millionaires Rodney..... Xxx
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