Another day of progress in the land of confusion.......

I continue to progress, but I continue to be completely confused....

I awoke this morning and had no idea what day it was, whether I should wake up, go to sleep, eat, take meds...... my poor sister got a random message - What an I supposed to do?? She has been nothing short of incredible. My messages range from 'get me nightshirts that button at the front', through to 'I need you here. Now' and everything in between.

She doesn't question any of it. Just does whatever I ask. She comes into hospital. She does things only a sister can do. She washes me, she takes me for walks down the corridor. She helps me rebuild Neuro pathways.

I have developed relationships with doctors and nurses who I trust. And I have been a total cow to those of that I don't trust! I have two doctors that can put a cannula in quickly. As opposed to one who took six attempts to get blood out of a vein. Needless to say 'one vein's are welcome at my bedside, six veins will never be beside me again..... Diva? Possibly. But it's important.

I had another MRI scan today. I was totally relaxed, as I was last time. Ed Sheehan on massive headphones. Just breath and ignore the noises. Easy. Though I have suggested 'Bloodstream' should be removed from the playlist...... you're having dye put into your veins.....

I lost time today but my sister orientated me regularly. She was here all day. My gorgeous son came this evening and helped me walked up the corridor. I have banned everyone else. My face is black and blue, I have a massive wound on my head (covered with tape but it's there). I say some strange things. The thought of anyone seeing me like that causes me more stress than anything I could ever imagine. Bearing in mind my biggest daily battle remains coping with epilepsy. So I need to avoid anything that causes me upset or negative feeling. For me this is often the feelings of others. It's not anyone's fault and I'm so conscious I'm probably offending family and friends. I promise that is not my intent. What I'm doing is fighting. With every inch of me. So I stick with what helps me. I continue to try and write it up, to help me understand and to help you guys understand. And also because I honestly believe there is learning in all of this for others.

I remain content that I am in the right place for the best possible healing. I am surrounded by myWard. Of Winners. An amazing group of people. All with different diagnosis. Dealing with things in different ways. But all fighting. Helping each other. Inspiring each other. All learning new Neuro pathways like bosses!

Next surgery is due on Wednesday. I'll be ready. Im confident. My surgeon is excellent. She hasn't let me down before now. If my bus comes then my house is in order. But I don't believe my bus is coming.

You remain my cage. I appreciate everything everyone has done. More than I can ever describe. I continue to fight. I continue to enjoy all the photos and Positivity Blasts, the texts, the Whatsapps, the emails. I am surrounded by the best that humankind had to offer. Be proud of yourselves. You are inspirational.

Thank you, yet again. I hope one day to write this all up properly. And to use it to help others faced with similar challenges. I feel like this is the role I have been given. I want this whole thing to be over. I can't understand why this happened to us. I'm angry with my body. But I will continue to fight with your support.

I love you ❤ I can't wait to tell you each to your faces. I will feel no shame for random hugs. From day 1 I was drawn to particular people. Some obvious, some not so obvious. What I've learnt is that those natural 'drawn to' feelings are the most real feelings you'll ever feel. Don't question them. I will never question my feelings about anyone again.

I'll see you all soon. And for those who have asked...... I remain treated wit paracetamol and ibuprofen. I am violently opposed to any opiate based drug and will not take it. No morphine. No diazepam. My feelings are repeated daily. I don't need them. I don't want them. No codeine either - it doesn't agree with me.