Tomorrow for Awake Surgery.....!

All set for tomorrow's surgery...... I'm not going to lie. I had a moment. A totally chicken moment. I forgot myself. Got scared. Decided to 'take my chances'. Told the surgeon I wasn't going to bother. That I'd just go home and see what happened. What a complete wimp! It took the surgeon, a nurse, my sister, my husband, some friends and some of my Team in the Ward of Winners to remind me that wasn't the deal...... There were insults. There were tears. There was no 'leap of faith'. No bravery. No courage. No positivity. No inspiration. No keeping of promises. Just a crabbit, scared, angry witch. Throwing insults like they're going out of fashion. Shameful.

I came round. I've signed the forms and will be taken for surgery early, probably around 08.30am. It could last until late afternoon. It'll be asleep/awake/asleep. The aim being to 'poke the peas' and see what would happen. To remove any that can be safely removed. To get a better understanding of what's going on. Also to remove more of spongy if possible. So there's a lot being done. I'm likely to be exhausted afterwards, plus I'll be recovering from anaesthetic. So it's likely to be Thursday before there's any real news. And even then we won't really know..... it could take a few days to establish how I'm doing. Plus it takes a week to get pathology on what's removed.

The next stage of the journey. I know dark humour is not always appreciated, but it's hard to see past the fact that tomorrow marks the start of 'Brain Tumour Awareness Month'....... surely that's s good omen???!! Surely??!!

So how am I? Honestly? Emotional. Terrified. Tempted to make a run for it. Weak. Angry. A rollercoaster of emotions. Though I've always said the most emotional days are followed by the biggest breakthroughs. I've let it out and I'm sure there'll be more years later on when Big Man comes in. 

In terms of today's achievements, I slept all night. I was up, washed, been for a walk, have spent time chatting with another patient. A patient who shared a ham sandwich, bag of tayto cheese and onion and some sports mix...... best meal ever!! 

My poor sister has patiently sat here basically all day. Doing all the things only a sister can do. And listening to my demands and tantrums. Unquestioning as she has been for 6 weeks now. Deserving of a reward I can never begin to pay.

I'm now in a better place. Still scared but I know I have to do this. I made promises. And I trust my surgeon. She is excellent and has been honest from the start. The truths have been hard to take. She still has that important mix of 'I can do this, trust me' with the humility of 'I'm not going to do anything stupid'. She's confident but not cocky. 

This is my leap of faith. The one I knew was coming. The one where you put your faith in the medical experts. 

You guys have formed my cage around me. I need to maintain my brace position. I'm doing that. This is the next stage of the journey. It can only be good. 

We can do this. I'm going to get a good night's sleep and I'm going to go in on the first day of March 2017, the beginning of brain tumour awareness month, and I'm going to take the next stage to kicking cancer's arse. With my Support Team at my side.

❤