Ideas please.......

A very tired weekend..... but I've had forest walks and even a soaking wet beach walk today. I actually went back to bed this morning...... an unheard of event for me these days! A few extra hours did me no harm, but I've been left very sluggish the rest of the day (despite the rainy beach walk). It's reminded me of how careful I'll need to be when radio finishes. Lying about will lead to more lying about and we've already established that's very bad for me! 

So, similar to post surgery, with radio ending on 6th June I'm now starting to try and think about things I could be doing to occupy my time while waiting for the all important scan results. I suspect going back to work is unlikely to be an option at this stage  as I'd be so unreliable and I can't go back and then off again. 

Human company will be very important to me though....... so long as it's positive people and even better, if I feel like I'm helping people in some small way. I can't drive but I can walk reasonable distances on most days...... So if anyone knows of groups or has ideas then get in touch.  I'm still hoping to do a bit of writing but I have to be careful of too much screen time. Hubby has suggested going back to playing piano.... a hobby I haven't indulged in many, many years. I'm willing to give it a go, but have warned him he may come home some day to find a smashed piano and me in the middle of it crying! I know of a couple of other people from cancer charities that might have some ideas.

So if you know of any groups that meet in the coleraine area, preferably within walking distance for me, then get in touch. Church affiliation is absolutely fine. I'm not a member of any, and am happy to attend groups associated with any group of any denomination. And if anyone wants to form the choir and dance group on my behalf, I'll definitely help out!! I might still do it myself..... who knows.....?? 

Xxx

Tree hugging.....

A new level of tired has set in this weekend. Just keeping my eyes open is a challenge..... which brings a myriad of other things to be careful of....... I have to be very careful my mood doesn't dip, I constantly feel really nauseous, I can't really see properly...... Given half a chance I think I'd quite happily just lie in my bed all day. This, thankfully, is not an option. A strict diet and medication regime means I can't go to sleep until after 8pm, and I have to be up at 7am. Hubby sticks to the early mornings with me...... which is pretty decent of him, considering it's his weekend and he works all week! He knows I have to be up so he gets up too. He knows I'm going to need fresh air so he drives me to places for walks. We've even managed town yesterday and today...... I'd stuff I needed to get...... Amazon doesn't everything you know..... though it very nearly does!! I run a real risk of being very broke, very quick, if I keep buying books and other stuff I'm unlikely to ever look at for myself and presents for others. 

On yesterday's walk in one of my favourite forests we hugged a tree...... actually we hugged two different trees. I thoroughly recommend this!! There's something about feeling the bark against your face and breathing in the smell of a big, old tree that is really quite lovely! I'm tempted to start running wellbeing classes in which everyone learns how to breathe, visual imagery, what books to read (I recommend the Dalai Lamas How toPractice  a Meaningful Life, The Things you only See When your World Slows Down and Chicken Soup for the Soul) and the joy of hugging a tree!  I also recommend La La Land as an easy watched, happy, quiet film...... perfect for not overstimulating but giving thatvfeel good factor. 

Just 5 more radio treatments to go and I'm very glad of that. While I joke about forest walks and deep breathing, the fact is that I'm completely exhausted and am very much looking forward to trying to progress each day.  Ive never been someone who'd have lain down to things, and even when I was tempted, friends and family gave me a kick! It does take huge effort though...... thankfully I genuinely feel better when I get fresh air, so I use that as my motivation to get out for walks. Radio has been harder for me than the surgeries. Once surgery is done then it's done and each day after is progress. Radio works in reverse. As the weeks go on you feel worse. But I know I'm playing the long game and that this is just the way it is. Plus I'll genuinely miss some of my radio buddies. So if you or someone you love is going through something similar then make sure they remember how good it is to stand in nature and breathe in fresh air. How much better they'll feel as a result. The effort is completely worth it for the reward. Oh and remember to hug a tree..... go on...... give it a go!! Xxx

Goodness

This blog has really become a blog about people. About the good people everywhere I turn! 

One of my first texts of today showed me the sheer generosity of people I know. People are on a day off, yet still get up to make me a packed lunch and then figure out an ingenious and very amusing way of getting it to me! Then I had my ambulance/bus journey up with a great care attendant, full of humour and kindness. One of my bus buddies was just a very warm spirit, who sat beside me and was great company. A kind lady....... yet another I'm glad I met. 

Upon arrival to the City I was greeted by my friend (the one I've worked with twice in two completely different areas of business 20 years apart!) who had a bag of goodies for me from her, her sister and her dad. So thoughtful but not overly surprising from such a sweet family. I also shared a hug and a laugh with my fellow Billy Connolly fan and his wife. Yet more people who're complete joys to be around.

I had been slightly worried going up today. I have a very small bit of infection on my chin. It's something I've had before and is absolutely no big deal....... but I was worried there might be a drama.  I considered not mentioning it, but then I remembered how completely irresponsible that would be, particularly when you're around older patients and people taking chemo. Never thought I'd see the day I was begging for them to continue with radiation, but you don't come this far to be set back..... So I told them, and guess what?? No big deal. I've had it before and know what it is so it's fine to get prescription from GP. It'll be sorted by Tuesday anyway I'd say. Proof that I'd have been a fool not to mention it because it would've got worse over the long weekend. 

Only 6 more to do now....... Tuesday to Friday of next week, the first two days of which I get to spend with my sister in a lovely Belfast hotel again!  Then it's just Monday and Tuesday of the next week and that radio finished ! What happens after that remains to be seen, but I don't think about that. There might be chemo, there will definitely be a long wait for scans. I, meanwhile, will find a nice, peaceful and relaxing way to spend my weekdays. It'll be like when I came home after surgery..... I'll have to get a new routine, doing enough but not too much. Unfortunately the effects of radio can last a while after treatment ends so I'd imagine I'll get to enjoy the tiredness and waves of nausea for a while yet. But you know what? It's a very, very small price to pay. Each day will be a step up and a move forward. In some ways this feels like a very long journey..... 20th January seems like an awfully long time ago....... the irony of that statement is that 20th January could've taken my life, not taken me on a journey...... I'll choose the hobbit every time, no matter how long and difficult it might sometimes seem. The reality is that people have so much worse and are often older, without the strength and support network. So yes, I'll take the journey........ one step at a time. And I'll never forget to keep stopping and looking around me. Xxx

People change everything....

Anxiety struck again last night...... I kept waking up and had nightmares. I was trying desperately to settle myself and it definitely wasn't as bad as it's been before, but it wasn't a good night. I woke up very shaky and nervous. I was trying to work my way through it but it had potential to be a very bad day. Until I got on my ambulance/bus...... a wonderful care assistant  I've met before and like, plus a fellow passenger who was an absolute joy to spend time with. A man in his 70s, it was like sitting beside a local historian. Plus he was cheery and positive. He turned my day round. Then I had another treatment...... meaning I've only 7 left to do!! 

After treatment I had a bit of a wait for other passengers, so I sat in the main foyer with a cup of peppermint tea. Various people sat beside me and chatted..... I promise they started conversations with me, it wasn't just my usual random 'talk to strangers'! A bit like Forrest Gump on his bench, I sat there. Those that spoke to me included a man who has a friend who's lived with a brain tumour for 20 years and a couple with whom I shared proper belly laughs.

To top it off, last week my reiki master had told me to channel strong women. So during the week I'd been reading up on women I've admired, as well as thinking about women in my life that I think of as strong. One of the women I'd been reading about was Maya Angelou....... she was always a favourite of mine. As I sat today a girl sat down with me and we had a good chat. She was lovely. As she went to leave she gave me a hug and told me her name....... Later I told the story to hubby...... he laughed and pointed out something I hadn't noticed....... what do you think her name was?? Answers on a postcard please......! 

It remains the wonderful people around me along with the kindness of strangers that keeps me strong. If I could ever do half for others what people have done for me then I'd be happy. Each step of this journey had been hard and there's a way to go yet...... but everyone faces trials, we just don't always know what other peoples' are. I don't think ahead particularly. Not for any bad reason..... just because I don't really need to. I remain very much in the present, appreciating the people around me and the fortunate hand I've been dealt compared to some others. Xxx

Zzzzzzzz

Seems I'm now in the 'fatigue' stage of radio..... I'm so tired I feel like I'm back at Hard Rock Hell in Wales and have been drinking vodka since 11am........ that's not a good drunk, that's 'washing machine drunk'! This morning I managed to shower etc with only one contact lense in, as I thought the blurry vision was just due to sleepiness. It was probably stuck up under my eyelid or stuck to my face or t-shirt (which any lense wearer will know is always where they are!), but by the time I realised it was much too late to try and find it. In the end I wrote it off as lost and put in new ones. I'm quite sure I haven't changed my monthly lenses in at least 3 months anyway, so probably not a bad thing one rebelled against me......... 

I suspect I may become quieter over the next few weeks. I'm just so tired and looking at the screen can make me feel a little seasick at times. You wouldn't always know though because I am doing what I always do......... giving myself a kick first thing and then allowing a bit of down time afternoon and evening. I'm beginning to think I'll have little choice now........ I was so tired yesterday evening that I couldn't see straight. I managed to fight it until about 8.45pm but only by allowing myself to relax...... Chelsea Flower Show and the writings of the Dalai Lama anyone?? I may have been in a slight trance if I'm honest! Hypnotised by Dame Judy Dench and the secrets to a mindful life....... 

That first bit was written this morning..... which is quite amazing as I was struggling to stay awake. I've had a very long journey today, a little tour of the country..... the guy driving was lovely though and I really enjoyed his company, so that made the time pass quicker. I was lifted at around 8.30am and am just home at 16.30, so a long day.  Thankfully though it did keep me awake! And that's another treatment done. My fabulous 'lunch and hug provider' friend, who doubles as a hairdresser, cooked us a dinner for tonight too, which will make all the difference! How incredible is she?? She calls every morning, gives me lunch, a hug and often we have a short and healthy cry together...... then she goes to work! I do that to her every day and she never complains. Not many like that in the world......though I seem to have hogged all of them for myself!! I promise I'm still 'paying it forward'. I'm quite sure I'll never be as good a person as those I find myself surrounded by, but I'm consciously reaching out to whoever I see that might need a hand or a shoulder. Half the Cancer Centre will be running scared!! 

Time for my evening walk! Tomorrow brings another marker....... Single Figures Day!! Plus a radio buddy (Hat Lady to those of you regular readers...!) finishes treatment tomorrow. I really hope I'm up around the same time so I can congratulate her on her strength and on maintaining such dignity and good humour throughout. All I do is babble incessantly, sometimes cry, rock the leisurewear (and the pirate/Amish look) and make terrible jokes..... she, however, is classy. One of those women I've always slightly envied..... beautiful and making everything look easy! Xxx

So much good.....

How can so much good come out of a horrible situation?? I don't want to sound blindly positive and annoying, but there are so many things that just keep on happening!! I can't tell all the stories I want to tell because it would identify people, but I really wish I could! I'll try to summarise some of the best ones...... 

The newly found radio buddy who told me today how beautiful all the girls' headscarves were and that he knew I'd be ok because I was clearly using my "intelligence and strength". 

The staff member who I took a very small gift and card to and who then came to find me to tell me she'd been having a really bad day and that the card had changed everything for her. 

The fact that I had half a dozen hugs and kisses from other patients and their families within half an hour of arriving. 

The fact that the husband of my dear friend who makes me lunch every day connects in hugely to another part of my day, but we hadn't realised. 

The radio buddy, and fellow Billy Connolly fan, who came to tell me about another comedian that he loves and hoped I would too. 

The staff member who told me about a man starting radio that was really struggling and she'd told him about me and how I'd been so upset the first week but had turned it around (I've told her to introduce him to me if it'd help....... so long as he doesn't mind 'chatty'!) 

The girl who works in my local shop who commented she hadn't seen me for ages..... the resulting conversation ending up with her telling me she'd had a brain tumour last year and conpletely understood. Hers was very different to mine...... as I'm discovering is often the case. There are lots and lots of types! Mine isn't going to be pulled out down my nose (seems everyone knows of someone who's had that done!) but nor is it giving me a scarily short life expectancy (which is the case for at least one of my radio buddies). Logic would tell you it'll end up a lot smaller than it was when I was 'normal'..... a big chunk removed, plus radio to stop regrowth and hopefully get rid of some more.

The guy who suggested I try cannabis oil and then backtracked like nothing I've ever seen when I explained that probably wasn't going to be for me, particularly given my employment.......we'd never previously talked about where we worked! I don't tend to lie if someone asks me. As I've explained before, I've always worked in outward facing roles, and I'm also pretty proud of the organisation I work for.  He's at least the third person to sing of cannabis oil benefits and I know it's now legal in Ireland, however I'll stick to NI legal options!! It bothers me to take prescription drugs...... I'm not going to start playing Russian roulette with illegal substances that have probably been made on the floor of a Chinese sweatshop...... or worse still, made by groups cashing in on the hope of scared people. Each to their own, but not for me.

Physically I don't feel great, but it's all manageable. Headaches, waves of nausea, and some absences that can be a little off putting........ but I'm dealing with it all so far. Im a little nervous about it getting worse over the last few weeks of radio (it feels good to say that.... last few weeks!), but I try not to think about it too much as I know the impact anxiety and stress can have on me. I'm not prepared to go there again, and thanks to ongoing family and friend support, the odd reminder to myself that it's ok and I am in control, plus talking to happy people and doing my reiki and relaxation exercises, I know I won't go back to the quivering mess I was. I know often people outside family and very close friends didn't see it, but I was in a very bad place for a while. I'm not ashamed to admit that and I know I'm not alone. Getting through that has been my biggest battle, but once you admit it and sort it once, you know you'll never let it happen again. A consultant described it to me as 'just stress'...... there's no such thing!

My journeys up continue to be a pleasure. My friend and I are considering a new tv show..... 'Bus Share'....... Peter Kay unfortunately becomes unwell and has to travel to hospital for treatment on a regular basis...... oh, the characters he will meet!! (He'll move to NI so he can move back in with his mum). Some will try to sit on his knee, some will sing Ziggy Stardust with him, some will mistake him for the ambulance driver's assistant, some won't say a word, others will enjoy his company so much they'll ask for his phone number! I think it'll be a great show....... xxx

Shining lights

Want to give yourself a boost and up the strength levels? Surround yourself with strong and positive people. As I work in Belfast, was in hospital in Belfast and am getting treatment in Belfast, I have a very strong support network down here, as well as at home. Lucky me! My Belfast team lift me up with texts and whatsapps etc. when we can't physically see each other. Some funny, some gggrrr, but all with complete faith in my ability to get through this. Staying in Belfast last night gave me the opportunity to see some of them. Not enough of them...... it would've been like a wedding party!! The girls evening was lovely...... just a wee get together for some of my strong female shining lights! So we could all feed off each other's positivity and strength. It worked for me!! I only managed about an hour before I knew I needed to have a rest, but truthfully I'd have stayed up all night with them! 

My shining lights. Beautiful, each one of them. 

Sorry to the boys by the way!! I have many male shining lights too, but it felt like a nice idea to have a girls get together first..... Doesn't mean I don't appreciate or underestimate the male strength that regularly gets sent my way too. We'll do a proper non sexist party when I get good scan results. Which I know I will. With a Suppprt Team like mine I can't lose. 

Plus my stats expert tells me that once I have today's treatment done, I officially have less to do than I've already done. Yay!

Xxx

50% day!!

Halfway through. Properly halfway through. I'm sitting in a hotel room in Belfast with my sister, relaxing before I get to see a few people this evening. Physically I've felt better I'll be honest...... seems week 2 of radio is the optimum week..... you're past the fear but not quite into the full side effects........ but I know I could be experiencing far worse than I am. Headache, a bit dizzy, waves of nausea, slightly confuddled at times....... but all manageable. Ive had a bit of swelling round my eye but got that checked today and all seems to be ok. I also made a bit of a medication mess up which I'm sure didn't help....... I'd been told to drop my steroid down from two tablets to one..... I think i did this......but then last week I randomly upped them back to two. No idea why. Just force of habit I guess..... I'd been on two tablets for quite a while so the reduction was just forgotten. That might've added to my eye swelling...... it was very 'fluidly' and even to me looked like steroid type swelling...... and you know what a medical expert I am!! Anyway, most important thing is that it's ok. My head is very sore, but sure I've had a headache for years so it's no big change!! 

I've just listened to a bit of my relaxation cd and that seems to have lifted my headache a bit. We're hoping the weather will hold enough to allow a short walk, and then it'll be 'people time'...... always my favourite time!! 

Back for more treatment tomorrow and then my short sister holiday ends for a while. It'll not be long until we're down doing this again. Perfect treat!

I was also very fortunate to be able to visit one of my former wardmates this morning..... she lives on our way and it was wonderful to see her. She has been a source of great inspiration and comfort to me from day one in RVH and I love her dearly. She gave me a lovely gift and told me it would keep her with me always. I've no doubt that's true. A really special person.

Xxx

Empathy....

This whole thing remains such a journey, I can probably empathise with so many conditions now.....

• Altzheimers 
• Parkinson's
• Mental health conditions such as anxiety and stress related issues
• Cancer
• Epilepsy
• Diabetes
• Alopecia / male pattern baldness 

To name but a few! Yet I remain so grateful because I know things could've been so much worse. I'm not in pain (headaches can be sore and there's obviously discomfort from radio and the surgery scar, but it's all bearable), I have cancer in one place and have a treatment plan. Some others are given short timescales and I can't imagine how terrifying that must be. Plus often people have a number of different things going on at once, particularly older people, For me, right from the start, there was a treatment plan to hopefully let me get a life back and live normally. After 2 major surgeries and 3 weeks of radio, my symptoms still are still manageable, of a little miserable st times..... though the miserable ones are often the most minor, like feeling a bit dizzy or slightly nauseous. 

I sometimes feel a bit stupid and forget stuff, but that's hardly the end of the world. In fact often it can be a confidence issue and I'm getting better at that! I don't doubt myself so much now. I know I'm not stupid and forgetting things or getting a little disorientated happens to everyone, whether unwell or not.

I get tired but I go to bed early and fight through the tiredness during the day. I have to be a little careful of that as I can be guilty of doing too much. Today I was up at 7am, showered, breakfast, dog walked and into town for the shops opening. Hubby was getting a hair cut so I did a bit of shopping alone for the first time since my hobbit style journey began. The main objective was to get some hats and headscarf type affairs. I think this was pretty successful and I was able to come home with a number of new looks. I got some great soft cotton headscarf type things...... kind of like the neck things you get for hill walking. They can easily be fashioned into a headband/ mask/ balaclava...... I'm going with the headband and a sort of pirate/Amish style look....... perfect for covering the rather unattractive bald patch at my hairline... and the others when I find them! I hope not to have much need for a balaclava, but sometimes you just don't know what could happen when you're out for a pint of milk...... ah come on now, that was funny..... admit it!!........not aimed at any person or group, just a little N'orn Irn dark humour...... I'm sure you'll forgive me that....!

I'm still able to do things for myself, I just need to do it at a slower pace......  I have to be careful I don't get dragged back into the real world too harshly..... I'm a floaty, stress free hippy now don't forget! Although I did have to upgrade my phone today. A bit like myself, the memory is just a bit overwhelmed! I get so many messages/photos/emails etc so I've gine for 125gb (or is it mb??) this time. I love getting all the support and find it so frustrating when I have to keep deleting stuff to make way for new!  I spent much of the time in the shop saying 'I don't really care. Whatever.' Probably the easiest sale they ever had!! Hubby went with me for that one...... I'll admit to having become a little bit careless with stuff like that...... I do a lot of shoulder shrugging rather than having to make a decision. I do far too much random online shopping now too..... stuff I often never look at after it arrives!! Especially books. Lots and lots of books. A charity shop has just opened down the road from me...... I'm quite sure I have a few 'like new' items I could contribute! That'll be a job for when radio finishes and I'm trying to find a new routine for another wee while. 

Random conversations with strangers is another issue...... though truthfully I always did it and generally seem to pick pretty well! Today I met an older man who's waiting for a knee replacement. He suggested I give him one of mine...... I've agreed and told him to get his people to call my people to set it up.....I don't think I have him my phone number, but it's a possibility!! I know I have it to a fellow ambulance/minibus passenger the other day.... she' was an older lady and asked for it. She doesn't live a million miles from me so I'd happily help her if she needed it.  Talking to strangers remains a source of great enjoyment for me. I find you're usually drawn to warm people anyway, and it often becomes obvious very quickly why you were 'meant to' talk to them..... When your world slows down, you see a lot more....

I've stopped being funny again (though I did get a couple of decent ones in there...) so I'll stop writing and go back to relaxing and drinking herbal teas. Peace out!! Xxx

3 week marker!!

That's it..... 3 weeks in! I'll confess it's not actually 50% day..... I forgot about May Day.... So I'm choosing to celebrate twice.... today as end of week 3 day and Monday as 50% day!! The weekend brings a shorter hair cut and possibly a bit of hat shopping. My first entry/exit wound made itself apparent this morning....... right at my hairline, adjacent to my scar....... It's not awful. I don't look at it and cry....... in fact I'm quite relieved it's made itself known. That's that over with. I know I've another 3 to find and I doubt it'll take long, given the amount that's falling out, but then they'll just be there and probably not even in my line of sight...... I don't spend much time posing in front of a mirror these days! Time for all that later. 

My journey up today was good - the ambulance care attendant is a lady I adore! Friendly, happy and naturally caring. She's definitely in the right job. I was greatly entertained to find out her hubby drives the school bus I often jump out of the front door for in the mornings......it sounds much the same as the ambulance, though my dog knows the difference!!

Treatment went as quickly as ever and I had lovely chats with some of my new friends. In another inexplicable moment, a couple started a conversation with me and we were discussing positive attitudes. We were all saying how we watch a lot of comedy. The man said how much he liked Billy Connolly..... that made me smile because aul Billy had a fair run from me too! I then said 'Have you tried......' He finished my sentence 'The Kevin boy? Yes, I love him too!'....... Kevin Bridges......... two comedians I used to watch on YouTube every morning when I was going through a rough patch post surgery and trying to find a routine to my day...... I told them that and then said "Well this is clearly why we ended up sitting together today then!" I genuinely meant it. I've honestly run out of examples of serendipity...... there are so many! 

My lovely physio had me walking on a treadmill and doing a bit of cycling today too..... before rewarding me with a massage. There are so many wonderful people in that Centre. Warm, genuine people, who make the journey so much easier.  Both staff and other patients. Seems I'm even more of a people person than I realised........ that's what it's been all about for me. People are what helps me more than anything! 

Monday brings a lovely night in a hotel with my sister. No travelling, sister time, and I'm also planning to see a few others while I'm there. There are couple of former wardmates in particular that I'm keen to get to see if I can.  Tuesday also brings a follow up with my surgeon...... it'll actually be quite nice to see her! An amazingly bright person, who hasn't lost her human side. Xxx

Hair today, gone tomorrow......

I knew I'd lose four patches of hair. Entry and exit wounds of sorts...... I wasn't particularly bothered. I knew it didn't matter and I've been rocking my surgery stripe for ages now. I think I commented yesterday that I wasn't vain. That was the completely wrong word. It's not vanity to be upset by losing hair. I stood in the shower this morning with a chunk of hair in my hand. It's not vanity to cry about that. I'm not worried about a couple of bald patches, but I'm not enjoying seeing hair everywhere or running my fingers through my hair and taking away large amounts.

It has caused me some anxiety today, though I've managed myself through it. Or, as usual, others have. My lovely lunch making friend is coming up on Saturday to cut it up shorter for me and I've also taken a lot of heart as usual from some lovely people up in the Cancer Centre. One lady came to excitedly tell me her last treatment was today. She said she knew I'd be excited for her (which I really was!!) and told me she thought I was lovely! I think she's lovely too.... very warm..... as usual the goodness of people raises my spirits like nothing else. I also spoke to another couple of regulars and a guy who was there for his first treatment. Each one positive and all of us reassuring each other and sharing a smile. That, for me, is better than any pill from a doctor. I also had the usual messages of love and laughter...... I love you guys so much! I've been sent wedding photos, secret announcements of pregnancy and some of the funniest mishap stories I could ever wish to read! These are the things that pick up a low mood. The kindness, laughs and encouragement of both friends and strangers.

So as regards the hair..... it'll be four patches. The rest of my hair may well cover them. Once it's gone, it's gone..... trauma over..... I probably won't be able to see them. .....I can buy hats....... and it couldn't possibly look any odder than the spiky bits growing back along my scar! At some point the regrowth will reach the length where it stops sticking straight up and starts falling down like the rest of my hair. I'm very grateful to have fine hair too...... having a big thick mop would've been far worse. And I can still get a wig if I so chose. I know two people who've got them and they look completely amazing! One of the things that puts me off is that I don't think I'd ever be content with my own hair again!! A few months of lovely, thick, flowing waves could make my fine, poker straight flat hair seem inadequate! 

To end with happiness as always! Today I walked in to hear people singing and playing musical instruments in the foyer. I have previously threatened forming s choir (and dance troop for flash mobs) although I have to remember that I don't currently have the time or energy and can't sing or dance. It was fantastic to walk in and hear that all going on though. Apparently it was medical students from QUB........ they'll have been the all rounders from school that were bright, played instruments and were great at sports........ good for them!! I also, most importantly, had another treatment...... almost finished week 3!! I'm off to reiki shortly so that'll sort any bubbling anxiety left in me.  It remains all about people for me. They can cause both highs and lows for me. I'm sure as I get my treatment over, start to get my confidence back even more and start to feel better physically then I'll be less able to be pulled down. Though I intend to make sure the positivity and happiness stays! I know who my shining stars are and I'll never take them for granted or forget how much they've helped me. I hope they're never in this situation, but if they ever are I'll make sure I'm the person who picks them up like they have me.

Xxxx

40% day

40% day today! Actually 43.3 if were being really precise...... It's genuinely starting to fly in now.  2 more days and I'll be half way there.  Plus I've got a lovely sister visit and sneaky Belfast hotel stay to look forward to at the start of the week!

Today brought a lovely coast drive on transport. We even drove through the Dark Hedges. Some beautiful views over White Rocks too. Almost better than an Ulsterbus tour!! Yet another wonderful, friendly Ambulance Care Assistant..... they're all excellent. As usual I made a friend and chatted the whole way to Belfast and the whole way home! So much so that my new friend asked for my phone number when we dropped her off. Sure what could be nicer?? My previous idea about getting lifts home from others isn't going to work..... the times are just too unpredictable and I don't want people sitting waiting for me all day! Sometimes I'm up by 10am and could be taken straight away. Other days I might not be there until after 11 and could wait for a while to be taken. Unsurprisingly there's an awful lot of people being treated.... it's a very busy place.

I got a brief hug with one of my former wardmates; she's having the same treatment but our times haven't crossed the past week and a half. It was lovely to see her. She looks great and had a big smile on her face. We're in regular contact and it's always nice to be able to cheer each other on. Nice to share a ggggrrrr together.

Whilst enjoying my little sightseeing tour, it also resulted in a very long day. I came home exhausted....... the '4pm grumps', which had almost become a thing of the past, emerged around 5pm I'd say. Not too bad but I could feel myself being a little critical and sharper as the evening wore on. I've done what I always do...... go to bed!! I tend to do that after dinner every night. Not asleep; just watching a bit of tv, reading, and now I've incorporated in listening to my relaxation CD....... given to me by the City, it's a fantastic resource.  Takes you through breathing exercises and visual imagery to help you chill out. It's somewhat similar to what my yoga master taught me and what my reiki guru does. I thoroughly recommend this type of thing for everyone!! It's just time to take yourself out of the real world, where everything moves too quick. Stop the world, I want to get off?? This is how to do it! Mindful.....

I've definitely felt a bit different this week..... yet again...... very tired, headaches, waves of nausea....... but mentally I remain in a mostly good place. That's really important. Actually when I've been good, I've felt much more like myself. I've had to remind myself a few times that I'm actually a new me now, so I don't need to start making plans or dealing with 'stuff'. The new, mentally healthier me doesn't worry about such things!! She's far too laid back! Unfortunately I still have some odd sleep moments. This morning this included waking my husband at 03.47am to tell him he'd turned his alarm off and needed to get up....... I'd swear blind I heard it!! I was probably woken by those damned cats crying outside again. The worst noise ever heard. Could be a baby crying..... could be a banshee coming for you...... always disturbing! 

I'll finish with a little dog story...... My dog is amazing, as you all know! She's getting ever more clever though.... This morning I was sitting waiting for the transport and she came up to me and started crying. I looked out the window and the bus was just turning into the cul de sac....... she can hear the engine from round the corner! She often does it when one of the boys is out and she hears the car engine. This one was particularly impressive. Generally she'll also bark and jump at the door when someone calls, but if a car or van pulls up that she doesn't recognise she'll often come and 'tell us' first..... She's got so good at it that one evening hubby came in to check I was ok because she'd moved from her usual spot at the bottom of the bed and gone in to him in the living room. He said "I thought she was doing a Lassie. I thought you were stuck down a well or something!!" Thankfully I wasn't stuck down a well and was quite fine!! Very clever dog though! Xxx

The hobbit journeys on....

Someone said to me yesterday "I've read your blog. What a journey you've been on!" A fair point. And it's a journey I'm still on. One I expect to be on for many, many years to come. I'm now in week 3 of radio. I'm tired, I have waves of nausea and I'm losing hair. I always 'casted' but there's too much..... it's coming from an entry or exit point so I've little doubt I'll find a bald patch soon enough...... again, one the advantages of not being particularly vain is that I'm not hugely traumatised by it. Of course I'd rather it wasn't happening, but I've been walking around with a bald stripe since surgery and it all seems like a very small price to pay. One of my radiomates has opted to shave hers off and get a wig. She looks absolutely amazing! Beautiful. I couldn't imagine having clippers near my scar, and I'm not bothered enough by it all yet to consider going down that route. Maybe if I end up having chemo and lose it all, but until then I'll keep what I have..... even the grey ones that have grown through!! 

The most important thing for me at the moment is to stay strong but stress free and keep my spirits up. I've found it much better last and this week, now that I have a routine and plenty of very varied company! I make new friends every single day. Yesterday a woman struck up a conversation with me and it ended up she'd been on a very, very similar mental journey as me whilst battling bowel cancer. Kindred spirits for sure! She was wonderful and I'd have sought her out again...... but she won't be up there anymore...... because she's finished her treatment, had her scans etc and is (in her words) cured!! She was yet another person I feel was thrown into my path...... Did I ever tell you my favourite word?? Serendipity. Genuinely!! I like it even more now because serendipitous things just keep happening to me. 

I'm starting to feel very bad for talking negatively about my oncologist. I was mean and there's never any excuse for that. Her bedside manner undoubtedly needs significant work, but that may because she's a very soft and compassionate person who has to keep people at arms length so save her own emotions. I'm going to chose to believe that of her until such times as I find out different. I'm often quite quick tempered and make snap decisions about people. There's no point in me blethering on about being kind and calm if I'm going to be nasty about someone...... ultimately the person it'll annoy the most is me!

Inner calm?? Getting there......! Xxx

Did I mention my sister's perfect??

I'm not sure if I mentioned that my sister is perfect..... I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by a lot of pretty amazing people, but my sister is one in a million. 

Today we went out for breakfast with my dad..... a bold move for me, but it was fine. We just picked somewhere quiet and not cramped, and went early. Poached eggs and avocado - more protein and superfoods!

When we came home my sis tackled my hot press....... an even bolder move!! It's only when you're in your house a lot of the time that you notice the wee things..... not that I had actually noticed the hot press!! Seriously, how many towels do you need?? And how many beds are there in this house?? Absolutely nowhere near that many!! 

The sunny day couldn't be wasted so we then headed to Castlerock beach. We left our socks and shoes in the car and walked the length of the beach and back with our toes in the sand and the sea lapping over them. Paddling like kids and cheering on the swimmers!

When we got back my boys were home and a dear friend had arrived too. Great to see more happy and positive faces. Later another wholesome dinner made by my sis...... full of great ingredients like tumeric. 

She's away home now and I miss her as soon as the door shuts. But now I get to look forward to her next visit tomorrow week. When we will stay in a hotel in Belfast and cut out travelling for a couple of days. Giving everyone a break and providing another wee milestone.

This is going to fly in...... plus I'm still working hard on self healing to compliment the science..... light exercise, relaxation, positivity and a healthy diet. I expect there are ups and downs still to come, but I know I'll come through the dips like I've done with all of them. I'm better able to recognise them now and have more confidence in myself. Plus the Support Team stays strong. The cage stays firm. Xxx

Helping myself.....

I've been forced to learn relaxation techniques of late. Every emotion I have is amplified so if it's stress related it can be very damaging. I'm finding that stress can have very physical symptoms....... although I still think it's unfair of a medical professional to be so dismissive. It's something you have to learn for yourself and pull yourself back up from, with the help of understanding people. It's not something you should have thrown in your face like it's a weakness. 

What I am learning is that I just cannot have stress or bad energy in my life. I need complete calm and positivity. I feel myself getting distressed if someone raises their voice or gets annoyed about things. I accept 'that's life', but I'm quite happy to work hard towards a kind of inner calm. I've seen and felt the difference that can be made physically by someone with a calm reassurance and a caring way. It's happened to me a few times now; with a priest, a chaplain, familymembers, particular friends and a reiki master...... I don't think it really matters who it is, it's just that sense of calm and reassurance.

Last night I had a thought back to a time when I, with hindsight, quite clearly had symptoms. I remembered when we were at a local music festival and I had a terrible 'sinus headache'...... that was 4 years ago! Do you know what I realised?? That baby was in there for a long time, really not doing too much. Not aggressive at all..... just dormant and very laid back. The surgeries and treatments will get it back to its laid back state, of that I'm confident. It may even take it further back as so much has been removed. Then we'll just live together. I'll not piss it off because I'll be laid back too. There'll be plenty of monitoring so we'll know if it gets a bit cross again...... but it won't, because I'm a different 'me' now...... I'm mindful and relaxed. The old stressy me tries to creep back in every so often but I'm learning how to chase her away......! The new me is all relaxation and spas. She's pretty cool 😎 This is how I will ensure this thing doesnt beat me. A combination of modern medicine and a relaxed, positive state of mind. I'll still be determined and do a bit of ggggrrrrr-ing, but not to the extent of putting any pressure on myself. 

Today I have had an almost perfect day. The morning with my boys, then reiki sessions for my big sis and I. A walk on the beach for sis and i followed by a fantastic meal cooked by her...... nice and light but filled with all the things I'm supposed to eat during radio..... veg, protein and a wee hint of ginger. Now I'm relaxing as she prepares another delicious meal for tomorrow! Tumeric in it this time..... known for its healing qualities. Another lovely day with her tomorrow.

Then I'll get ready to get stuck into week 3...... I'll be halfway there before you know it! xxx

Week 2 complete!

That's my second week of radio done. I know there's a lot more still to come, but I'm not thinking about that bit! All I'm interested in is the fact that I've done 2 weeks. The first week was awful, but once I got into the swing of things I've found this week to be fine. Tiring and lots of headaches, but all manageable. Some days have actually been quite enjoyable...... my day always starts with messages of positivity and laughter (some of you are so damned funny!!) and then when I get on the transport, just relax and get chatting to people the company can be really very good. The waiting room is absolutely full of positive energy and lovely people. I'm greeted by name at the desk and then immediately check what beautiful hat s being worn by the beautiful, glamorous, always smiling woman!

The routine is also good for me. It's an early start and I can be out for much of the day, but when you're used to working that can actually be very helpful. Some of my former colleagues might argue I did nothing but chat all day at work anyway, so I guess going to radio isn't much different! I preferred to call it 'relationship building'.....

I celebrated the end of week 2 with a lovely massage from the physio. The staff up there are fantastic. Though as ever there are always some that shine out as really bright lights.

So that's me a third of the way in...... as  someone pointed out to me earlier 'you're a third of the way through and that's almost a half',.,,.. I like those sorts of stats!!

The only tears shed today were ones of pride when I read the comments written by teachers and peers in Fin's yearbook. A-Levels loom and I'm so proud of the bright, funny and kind man he is. 

Now I get a weekend with my sister.... what could be better?? Whatever you're all doing this weekend, enjoy it, keep it positive and be kind to each other! Xxx

People power......

Last night I'd got myself into a bit of a fizz.... not good for me. I wasn't too bad but it did affect my sleep a bit. A few worry wake ups though thankfully no full blown anxiety. A lady from a Marie Curie was at the end of a phone and helped bring me down a bit. She's been great. A friendly shoulder. My new mindful state is definitely making things a lot easier for me too. I still have a few blips, but I'm so much more relaxed than I have been. I can recognise the blips now too and am far better able to work my way through them.

Today was actually quite a pleasant day, all things considered! 

It started with the usual messages from friends and my sister. One was of complete reassurance and belief in me from a girl who has become a real shining light! Another was a photo of a gorgeous sunset sent by another shining light. My sister always makes me smile, with her excitement about 'who'll be on the bus today??' My 'girlies' whatsapp group too - everyone woken at 7am by random tales of illness, house moves and crazy dogs! Then I received a funny story from a dear colleague and friend. A lovely person who always makes me smile and never fails to build me up. His message made me laugh out loud on the way up the road. Stars. Every one of you.

I got transport up for treatment again and was greeted by another lovely Ambulance Care Attendant..... full of fun and plenty of chat. We even ended up having a quick cuppa together whilst waiting for another passenger to finish up. I enjoyed her company.

When I went into the waiting room I saw a girl I've seen most days, along with her husband. She always wears lovely hats. Today's was a red straw sun hat, with a big bow at the back. I complimented her on it as it was very pretty and ended up speaking to her and her husband. A lovely couple. Going through worse than me but staying positive and enjoying themselves as much as they can. I liked them and admired their ability to keep smiling....... and her ability to keep making an effort to look good....... she was most certainly not rocking the leisurewear like me!! I have a tendency to put my hood up...... although I have been wearing a summer hat when out for my walks now that the weather is so nice. This lady is hat shopping and I don't think she'd ever be putting a hood up...... she'd never be wearing s hoodie! I'm not sure I have any real intentions to start putting on jeans and doing my make up every day...... I've always been fairly content with my plain-ness and comfort is far more important to me at the current time. I want to be able to relax and be comfortable. I don't want fuss. Time enough for all that once I get treatment out of the way. I'll try to be a real girl again then!  I have to keep explaining to the nurses that I have three tops the same that I keep recycling..... I don't want them thinking I'm wearing the same top every day! They'll have Social Services at my door, thinking I'm not being looked after!! Quite the opposite..... my washing machine is on a seemingly constant cycle, recycling my leisurewear...... Everything is blue. I've no idea why. I've wanted everything to be blue since this started. I'm sure my reiki guru would have a theory..... I must ask her. 

Also while in the waiting room a girl sitting beside me said my name. I looked at her, her face looked familiar but I couldnt place it. She told me who she was....... I worked with her...... twice....... in two completely different jobs........ over a 22 year period! Our paths just keep crossing. I find myself now wondering why.......I'm no longer a great believer in coincidence.......  I'm sure it will become clear sometime soon. Thankfully she wasn't there for herself, but with her dad who's being treated for prostate cancer and is expected to make a full recovery after treatment. Good news. I do wonder though why we keep being put together. 

So that's week 2 nearly done..... it's going so much quicker now that I'm settling into a routine and am chatting to people. I'm often exhausted when I get home, but often because I've been chattering all day!..... nothing new there then! I do light jobs at home (tonight I hung out a wash and did the dinner dishes), but generally my boys do the lions share and I get to rest up a bit. I still keep myself awake until 9pm to ensure a full night's sleep. Sometimes that's really difficult, particularly if my heads really sore..... these imaginary side effects can be tedious....!! Not unlike the itchy rash I've had for months that a registrar tried to tell me was psychosomatic and being caused by me itching...... every morning I comment to my husband 'god, this imaginary rash is so itchy'...... I know it's nothing serious but again it'd be nice to not be dismissed. A GP was far more understanding and gave me a cream....... which I've stopped using because I'm worried it'll dry my skin out!! Trish knows best....!!! Aveeno for irritated skin is the way forward. Really just a moisturiser with shea butter but definitely doing the job. Another top tip........ you're welcome!!

After tomorrow I'm a third of the way in. Plus my sister is over to stay with me for the weekend. Plenty to look forward to! Xxx

Gggrrrrrr

Week 2 of radio is a very different story...... it still leaves me very tired and bad headaches, but not as bad as last week. My spirits have been much higher and i find myself with s bit more of a routine going. I'm finding the transport grand. It gives me a routine. Up at 6.30am, music on, showered, breakfast, dog walk with hubby and then packing my wee rucksack up (book, 7pm meds in case of a Westlink disaster!, notebook, diary, emergency rations, protein based packed lunch from my lovely friend!) The ambulance care staff are fantastic. Friendly, kind and thoughtful. Each day brings new patients so you're never sure who's going to jump on board. There are only 5 seats so you're never going to be lifting too many. Today I shared with a very entertaining gentleman who wanted to sit on my knee..... but chickened out because his 90 year old wife was watching out of the window, and a lady who puts cucumbers in her garden because she was told they scare off the cats because they think they're snakes!! Getting transport also ensures you get taken very quickly...... I like to refer to it as speedy boarding...... and get home quick. Means passengers aren't all left waiting for hours. 

I met with my oncologist again today...... I fear we may not be a perfect match........ I accept that she's the expert and I think we're probably a little similar in terms of slightly feisty personalities. She very bluntly told me today that the 'side effects' I felt in week one were no such thing and that it was just a stress reaction..... maybe she's right, but it would have been nicer and still truthful to acknowledge that everyone is different. It's a little unfair to dismiss someone completely and make them feel like it's all in their head. Which it is..... but not always necessarily in that way!! I know she's the expert and I do appreciate her honesty, but sometimes a tiny bit of empathy might not go amiss. My surgeon was fairly straight talking and told me some hard facts, but I never felt like she was patronising me and it was clear to me that she cared. Even if she thought I was wrong about something, she'd still take time to explain things to me and reassure me. I realise I'm completely over sensitive at the current time and may be being unfair on my oncologist, but it would've been nice to have a better rapport with someone who's making such important decisions for you. I'll try to be a bit more patient when I see her again, but we're definitely not going to be mates. I'd imagine it's not a nice job, but when I got upset she sent me to see the 'girl who does the touchy feely stuff'........ bedside manner - room for improvement!

But enough bitching about the poor woman who has to deal with crying Trish..... (though I hadn't been crying before I spoke to her....) In general week 2 has been a massive improvement. My 'imaginary side effects' remain the same..... headache and tiredness being the most noticeable things. I feel more able to manage it this week though and am sincerely hoping the oncologist isn't right and that I won't get knocked off my feet next week..... I've decided I'm not letting that happen anyway...., if my brain can cause me 'imaginary' side effects then it's capable of stopping genuine ones  too, surely? I've certainly learnt that it's a powerful instrument! It can allow you to send completely sensible emails whilst in and out of seizures and high as a kite. It can enable you to remember the faces and names of medical professionals carrying out emergency treatment on you when you're delirious. It can allow you to hold completely sensible conversations whilst completely off your head. It can allow you to have a near death experience and honestly believe you pulled yourself back (though that may have been the drugs again!!!) It can allow someone to poke it about and then let you learn how to rebuild pathways that let you walk, talk and look after yourself again.  It can allow you to have panic attacks and genuinely believe you're having a heart attack when you're clearly not. It can allow you to learn how to completely calm yourself again and employ mindfulness techniques. Well I'm no expert, but if my brain can do all those things then it can also fight through any potential side effects. Your brain is stronger than anything else, if something has invaded it then your brain will help heal itself. That's what mine is doing now, with the help of modern medicine. I'm not stupid and would never refuse treatment (despite, I'll admit, threatening to a few times....). I know I'm in the hands of experts; that they've saved my life and that they know the science. I put my trust in them. But I also believe that strength of character, a positive attitude, a good mix of light exercise and rest, a good diet, and surrounding yourself with love can have far better results. I'm not expecting to be a miracle ...... but I'm not ruling it out either!

I've 7 of 30 treatments done. The time will fly in...... especially with my little treats built in! Visits from my sister are the biggest things, but I'm also now accepting a bit of help from others too. Some of my Belfast buddies/colleagues have offered to bring me home after treatment some days. This allows me to see a new face, hear different conversation and get a nice lift home. I'm up for that. My treatments are generally between 12 and 2 so if anyone fancies a road trip to the north coast and doesn't mind a passenger then let me know. Why not bring your partner and spend the afternoon having a nice beach walk and treating them to a meal in the Wine Bar in Portrush?? I'm not always amazing company..... sometimes I get a bit over sensitised so can find noise and light challenging, I always have to sit in the front (motion sickness..... always been the same!), I need steady and consistent driving or I get really nervous....... sometimes I randomly cry, but I'll always sort myself out........ but other than all that I'm still relatively funny....!  

Week 2...... Ggggrrrrrr........ xxx