Gggrrrrrr

Week 2 of radio is a very different story...... it still leaves me very tired and bad headaches, but not as bad as last week. My spirits have been much higher and i find myself with s bit more of a routine going. I'm finding the transport grand. It gives me a routine. Up at 6.30am, music on, showered, breakfast, dog walk with hubby and then packing my wee rucksack up (book, 7pm meds in case of a Westlink disaster!, notebook, diary, emergency rations, protein based packed lunch from my lovely friend!) The ambulance care staff are fantastic. Friendly, kind and thoughtful. Each day brings new patients so you're never sure who's going to jump on board. There are only 5 seats so you're never going to be lifting too many. Today I shared with a very entertaining gentleman who wanted to sit on my knee..... but chickened out because his 90 year old wife was watching out of the window, and a lady who puts cucumbers in her garden because she was told they scare off the cats because they think they're snakes!! Getting transport also ensures you get taken very quickly...... I like to refer to it as speedy boarding...... and get home quick. Means passengers aren't all left waiting for hours. 

I met with my oncologist again today...... I fear we may not be a perfect match........ I accept that she's the expert and I think we're probably a little similar in terms of slightly feisty personalities. She very bluntly told me today that the 'side effects' I felt in week one were no such thing and that it was just a stress reaction..... maybe she's right, but it would have been nicer and still truthful to acknowledge that everyone is different. It's a little unfair to dismiss someone completely and make them feel like it's all in their head. Which it is..... but not always necessarily in that way!! I know she's the expert and I do appreciate her honesty, but sometimes a tiny bit of empathy might not go amiss. My surgeon was fairly straight talking and told me some hard facts, but I never felt like she was patronising me and it was clear to me that she cared. Even if she thought I was wrong about something, she'd still take time to explain things to me and reassure me. I realise I'm completely over sensitive at the current time and may be being unfair on my oncologist, but it would've been nice to have a better rapport with someone who's making such important decisions for you. I'll try to be a bit more patient when I see her again, but we're definitely not going to be mates. I'd imagine it's not a nice job, but when I got upset she sent me to see the 'girl who does the touchy feely stuff'........ bedside manner - room for improvement!

But enough bitching about the poor woman who has to deal with crying Trish..... (though I hadn't been crying before I spoke to her....) In general week 2 has been a massive improvement. My 'imaginary side effects' remain the same..... headache and tiredness being the most noticeable things. I feel more able to manage it this week though and am sincerely hoping the oncologist isn't right and that I won't get knocked off my feet next week..... I've decided I'm not letting that happen anyway...., if my brain can cause me 'imaginary' side effects then it's capable of stopping genuine ones  too, surely? I've certainly learnt that it's a powerful instrument! It can allow you to send completely sensible emails whilst in and out of seizures and high as a kite. It can enable you to remember the faces and names of medical professionals carrying out emergency treatment on you when you're delirious. It can allow you to hold completely sensible conversations whilst completely off your head. It can allow you to have a near death experience and honestly believe you pulled yourself back (though that may have been the drugs again!!!) It can allow someone to poke it about and then let you learn how to rebuild pathways that let you walk, talk and look after yourself again.  It can allow you to have panic attacks and genuinely believe you're having a heart attack when you're clearly not. It can allow you to learn how to completely calm yourself again and employ mindfulness techniques. Well I'm no expert, but if my brain can do all those things then it can also fight through any potential side effects. Your brain is stronger than anything else, if something has invaded it then your brain will help heal itself. That's what mine is doing now, with the help of modern medicine. I'm not stupid and would never refuse treatment (despite, I'll admit, threatening to a few times....). I know I'm in the hands of experts; that they've saved my life and that they know the science. I put my trust in them. But I also believe that strength of character, a positive attitude, a good mix of light exercise and rest, a good diet, and surrounding yourself with love can have far better results. I'm not expecting to be a miracle ...... but I'm not ruling it out either!

I've 7 of 30 treatments done. The time will fly in...... especially with my little treats built in! Visits from my sister are the biggest things, but I'm also now accepting a bit of help from others too. Some of my Belfast buddies/colleagues have offered to bring me home after treatment some days. This allows me to see a new face, hear different conversation and get a nice lift home. I'm up for that. My treatments are generally between 12 and 2 so if anyone fancies a road trip to the north coast and doesn't mind a passenger then let me know. Why not bring your partner and spend the afternoon having a nice beach walk and treating them to a meal in the Wine Bar in Portrush?? I'm not always amazing company..... sometimes I get a bit over sensitised so can find noise and light challenging, I always have to sit in the front (motion sickness..... always been the same!), I need steady and consistent driving or I get really nervous....... sometimes I randomly cry, but I'll always sort myself out........ but other than all that I'm still relatively funny....!  

Week 2...... Ggggrrrrrr........ xxx