1 down, 29 to go!

First day of radio today. I'd love to say I was a brave hero who charged into battle, completely unphased. I actually wasn't particularly scared about the treatment itself. I'd been assured it doesn't hurt and really all I have to do is lie there. Ok, so there's a mask on your face, but it's not overly uncomfortable and you can breathe with no issues. Part of me was glad to get it started - sooner it's started, sooner it's over, right?? Subconsciously though my mind appeared to be thinking other things.... I woke up in the early hours having a terrible nightmare about my son. Any mother will know that nightmares about your children are the worst type. I was sweating, my heart pounding, extremely anxious. When the alarm eventually went off I was in a total state. I worked my way through the horrors as ever, but it wasn't a good start. My sister was here to take me to the hospital, which was great. Unfortunately there's so much build up to these big milestones...... sleeping the night before, getting ready, waiting to go, the long journey up and then waiting to be called. I was a mess. I just kept crying. Uncontrollably. Some lovely people talked to me in the coffee shop; asking if I was ok and telling me not to worry. I shared a laugh with them but then went back to more tears. 

Eventually I was called and went in with some lovely nurses who talked to me about the treatment etc. At this point I'd had a bit of an internal gggrrrr to myself and was ready for action. The treatment started and it was genuinely no big deal. It doesn't hurt and doesn't last long at all. All I have to do is lie there and be still. I didn't think about what was going on, I just breathed deeply and reminded myself it'd be over in no time at all. Which it was. Plus it's fairly easy to stay still when you're brain is being zapped..... moving could be the worst novebyou ever made!! I kept thinking back to the James Bond film where the laser was cutting up the table, between his legs...... getting dangerously close to the bit of his body that he generally thinks with!! Nope, this is not the time to get jumpy.

Afterwards I felt woozy and tired. I didn't like that and it led to more tears. Then the tears led to even more tears...... what's wrong with me?? I'm not like this! Vicious circle. I cried on and off for the rest of the day and continue to do so now. I think I've had a record four panic attacks and still feel anxious now. I'm angry with myself for feeling like that...... hence making it worse. I've been for a walk, had dinner and am now trying to just relax. I've been remembering back to my reflexology/reiki session and that has helped, but the nerves are sitting in my chest.

The reality is that I need to manage this. No-one else can do it for me. I can listen to advice but only I can take control of my own anxiety. It's not the person I'm used to being, making it all spiral. But 'strong, in control' Trish is still there..... I just need to be confident enough to remember who she is. And then I need her to push her way to the forefront again. 

The next 6 weeks are going to be bad. There's no buttering it up. But I've had months of bad stuff. I remain completely adamant that I'm lucky than many. I have a treatment plan. This can be managed. I can get my life back. In the meantime I need to learn how to relax and not worry about the things I can't change. Whatever's going on with me physically is going to happen regardless. Why would I worry myself into complete misery over it?? There's no point. Nobody wants to see me snivelling and it's not me. 

On the bright side (and there is always a bright side) I will sleep like a log tonight..... nobody can release that many tears, be left completely emotionally drained and then not sleep! My sister is taking me up again tomorrow and it'll be a better day. Each day I do will be better than the one before. 

I heard a man today say that he was there for his last treatment. I congratulated him, told him I was there for my first, and said he was great. He showed me his list of treatments (you get a bit of paper with them listed). He had marked each one off with black marker and only had the last line left to mark off. With a massive smile he told me he was finished, told me I'd do great and said I'd soon be marking my last one off the list. It's true and I appreciated his cheerful smile. In the cafe we spoke to two different groups - one a couple (the husband was up for a biopsy and was a total character who accused my sister of making eyes at him! She does have lovely big brown eyes...!), the other a mother, daughter and grand daughter (granny was up getting marked up for her treatment. She'd told nobody what was going on until treatment was confirmed). All around me, as usual, were people fighting battles every day. Sometimes it was hard to tell who was getting the treatment and who was there to support them. I felt ashamed of my constant tears. Nobody needs to see that! It's not fair to drag others down.... that's selfish. 

Honestly, this evening I remain anxious. I don't really know why..... just a generalised anxiety. A bit of delayed shock perhaps.I'm fighting it as ever, with the help of family and friends. I'll relax, settle myself and look forward to a good night's sleep. I don't like getting good luck messages as it can make me more nervous, but I know there are a lot of people thinking about me. Thank you for all the prayers and good vibes.... I'll take them all!! Funny stories and advice on stress management also all welcome!

Xxx