Even more "public".....

Woke up this morning excited to spend more time with my sister. Unfortunately I was also very sleepy. So I decided to have a wee doze after breakfast. Unfortunately all I really did was lie there having an anxiety attack. My heart was pounding, my chest tight. Tried to regulate my breathing but just felt like I was holding my breath. Unfortunately sometimes, particularly when I wake up, the enormity of what's going on can just seem too much. I lay trying everything I could to calm myself down - breathing, thinking happy thoughts...... nothing really worked. Eventually I realised going back to sleep wasn't going to happen and that, as tired as I was, I was better just getting up. I had a chat with the big man about it, admitted I was in a bad place, and sat up in bed continuing to try and pull myself back together. Then I engaged in some positive talk....... I said out loud why today was a good day, why I needed to pull myself together etc. Then, once I felt a little less shaky, I got up, put on the happy music, and had a shower. When my sister arrived I had settled but there were still a few tears. Although I'll sometimes still try to out on a brave face, I've learnt that the emotions are going to come out at some point so you may as well just let them out early! Plus sometimes I just can't help it. My sister was brilliant as usual..... understanding, reassuring, but also reminding me there's little point in jumping ahead and thinking about stuff that hasn't happened. Catastrophising is the proper term I believe..... So enough of that nonsense. We agreed a plan - do a few things in the house then lunch and out for a walk. And that's what we did. Portstewart Strand for a walk and to breathe in the sea air. Afterwards we even went for a hot chocolate in a cafe we knew would be relatively quiet. Very, very public indeed!! Truthfully I didn't really enjoy the cafe..... it was quite noisy and there were kids running about. Lovely kids but kids all the same...... noisy, unpredictable....... still struggling with the mini people!! I'm glad I did it though. Another achievement.

After hot chocolate we went to the supermarket again, though I'll confess to sitting in the car today. It's Saturday...... it was busy....... I'd had enough adventure! 

Home and a wee doze and now I'm having a lovely pasta dish made for me! Looking forward to a relaxing evening. Probably a film and some crisps!

From a physical point of view I definitely feel improved. The latter half of the week saw a change. I'd assume swelling reduced or maybe it's just healing. Either way, there's less pressure and my thinking is less cloudy. I still get tired and can clutch for the right words at times, but it's nowhere near as bad. Unfortunately the flip side of this seems to be that my thinking skills have improved..... good if you want to have a conversation or read a magazine...... not so good if you've got something negative in your head and are stressing about it.

The wound is healing well. I'm very careful with it..... I don't scratch or pick, despite the temptation! Washing my hair remains challenging, and it often looks a bit greasy because I can't get into the roots properly. But I know none of my friends or family care about things like that! I could probably flip my hair over the wound now and cover it, but I want it to heal well so I'm not taking any risks. I'm likely to loose some patches of hair during radio anyway, and then there could be chemo, so there's little point trying any new looks just yet......

I'm still frustrated at the constant changes. Every few days seem to bring a new state, either mentally or physically. I remain very up and down emotionally.... and there are weird paranoias that creep in...... I overthink. No change there then! My New Years resolution to 'not think so much' has become even more relevant now! But I'm still awful at it. 

Thankfully I still have a wealth of people supporting me with positive messages. I also have my hardcore, inner circle that just selflessly give me anything I want or need. 

I said at the start of this that my life would be changed forever, and that is undoubtedly true. I kind of liked my old life..... but there's little point looking backwards. Life changes. It throws stuff your way. You just have to handle it. I'm not sure I always do that particularly well...... but I do it. 

Right, I'm of to enjoy an evening with my big sister. The best person on earth. Xxxx