Constant change....

None of this ever seems to stay the same. I had a relatively good day yesterday. More yoga and relaxation which was lovely. I came home so relaxed I think I could've slept from then right through the night. Later on in the evening I think it's fair to say I was somewhat crabbit. Being unreasonable. The big man was getting it tight! Eventually we talked it through. I simply cannot do stress now. Even if I've caused it myself..... Everything has to be calm. 

Yesterday had been quite a tearful day anyway. I don't know why. A friend did send me the most wonderful message that completely lifted me. She told that whilst things might seem slow to me that they were massive strides to those looking in. Encouragement. Faith in me. A perfectly timed and beautifully written message. 

I kept waking up through the night last night..... kept thinking we'd slept in. More specifically kept thinking the big man had slept in and that it was my fault...... back to overthinking and feeling guilty again. When the alarm did go off I was really tired. But I've learnt the 'back to sleep' doesn't tend to do me any favours, so I got up and showered. I was so exhausted and really not focussing on anything. I ended up going for a walk to the end of the cul de sac; no distance at all but the first time I've left the house on my own! I came back feeling so proud of myself. Fin was still in the house anyway so I knew I was perfectly safe. 

A work colleague arrived up mid morning and I spent a few very pleasant hours chatting to him. Probably just as well he was here...... a Jehovahs Witness came to the door. Older lady, friendly face. I'd have likely invited her in if I'd been here on my own! She'd have left terrified!..... or she might still be here!!

During the morning I spoke to an expert nurse about my anxiety attacks..... which it seems may very well be seizures. Epilepsy manifests in so many different ways. It's not the way I thought it was. If it turns out that is what they are then I'm not taking it as a negative..... the swelling is reducing in my head. Things were bound to change. Absence seizures do not kill! They are merely disconcerting and leave me very tired, upset and a bit dazed. There's talk of upping my anti seizure meds a bit. Regardless, it's always good to know what it is. Epilepsy, like most illnesses, can be exacerbated by stress etc, so while my relaxation and breathing exercises can't pull me out of a seizure, they can help less of them happen. So I'll continue with attempting to achieve my zen lifestyle! Another lovely friend from work sent me a great book about living a calmer life....... seems full of good ideas and reminders. 

The only way I'll be able to deal with this and stay happy is to stop overthinking. I'm still terribly guilty of doing that. It's got to stop. It's so unhealthy. I will find my gentle pace in life and I will learn to drift through. Grateful for every day and for the happiness and love I'm surrounded by. Guru Trish!! Xxx