Last night we just watched Saturday night TV and chatted. We went to sleep early, as I always do now. Unfortunately I woke up in the middle of an anxiety attack.... I'd had a dream. Not a particularly scary dream, but one with a pretty clear message, and I was gripped by that horrible feeling. I didn't know what time it was and didn't want to wake my sister, so I tried to breathe through it and think positive thoughts. It wasn't working..... then the alarm went off. I talked things through with her and got myself settled. I'm always left really tired after I've been anxious like that, so I had to really resist the urge not to have a wee doze after breakfast. I knew that'd be a terrible idea. So I got up and showered. I'm so slow moving, but I get there in the end! My sister pottered about, doing a bit of cleaning and cooking. Putting a few meals in our freezer which will be so appreciated. When I was eventually ready we had lunch (yes, it took me that long!) Then we took Izz out for a walk. Again, not a huge distance but further than I've walked in the past. Then back home and she persuaded me to tackle a few things my poor husband has been trying to get me to look at for weeks.......
The kitchen chair in the bedroom that he falls over every day. The one that has a box on it, filled with all sorts of stuff. The one I wouldn't move because "it's important to me". Plus clothes..... thrown over the chair precariously. PJs and all sorts of leisurewear..... comfy..... important but they can still go in a wardrobe! The stack of books and magazines on the floor beside my bed that I rarely look at. She even persuaded me to tidy and polish my bedside locker and dressing table. Both covered in stuff I kind of need, but both cluttered and also covered in unnecessary stuff. The bag of stuff I had put together for another patient but hadn't given to her as she got out so quick! The bag of toiletries that came back from RVH with me.
I will openly admit that part of my motivation came from watching Izz chase a massive spider from behind my bedroom door this morning. We haven't found it..... hubby can play hide and seek with it another time! It's not behind the bedside locker so under the bed is my best bet so far..... it's a divan bed so god knows where it's hiding. I swear big Izz just took off - I joked that she must've heard it, because she couldn't have seen it behind the door from where she was lying......
At one point my sis came in and I was dusting and crying..... I tried to explain it was because I was doing something normal. It's probably one of the most normal things I've done for months. I'm limited in what I can do.... I don't have the energy or the physical strength to do a huge amount, but I need to start doing more. I had a bit of a revelation. I've known from the start that I can't be lying about and generally I don't. The problem is that I'm in a haze a lot of the time, I'm get physically and mentally tired very quickly and I'm not working..... So I need to motivate myself a bit more. I feel like I just keep getting this wrong..... it's very difficult when each day often brings a different physical and/or mental state. As of tomorrow I'm trying another new way. There will be no slow start. I will get up and get showered before the big man goes to work. I'll take my time, but I'll be up and sorted. Then I'll do something productive for a while. Maybe a bit of writing. There are always other things to be done - phone calls to be made etc. Maybe some light housework. Nothing too much.... maybe a quick whizz around the bathroom etc. I've been doing things like that anyway, but in a very limited way. So I'll do things like that and not from the comfort of my bed. I'll move to the kitchen table (my temporary desk)..... I know I'll need to be careful I don't get carried away as it could be damaging physically..... but I need to get on with things in order to sort myself out mentally.
I'll need a wee doze at some point late morning/early afternoon, but I'll judge that by the time I'm expecting visitors.
After dinner I think it's ok to relax again. I'll get my exercise at some stage through the day too. A short walk is fine and visitors are often happy to go with me. Then it's ok to chill out and watch the news with a cup of tea. And I think it's probably ok to do that in bed..... if I've done stuff during the day then a relaxing evening is fine. An early night is essential. Then up the next morning..... rinse and repeat.......
One of the nurses at the City told me a lot of people actually find the routine of radio quite helpful. I can understand that. My GP also reminded me I've gone from being an independent, working woman in a challenging job, to being home, often alone. I knew all this but I think something has kind of clicked into place this weekend...... probably largely because I physically feel a bit better than I have done previously. And also because my sister has a knack of gentle pushing without pressurising (anyone who knows me knows I'm very likely to kick the other way when told to do something..... not really for any reason other than it wasn't my idea! I like time to think and come up with my own plan). So to anyone who tried to tell me all this before and who I nodded and agreed with but didn't really do what you told me to do, I can't only apologise..... I'm stubborn. I had to work this out for myself.
And we all know this could all change again tomorrow! Sometimes I try new ways and they just don't work for me. I don't know until I get it wrong. Good days, bad days. I know there will still be both. But I also know I won't get any better physically if I don't sort things mentally. I was so full of revelations about a fluid life and being stress free from the start.... then I don't do half of it! I guess when you're used to being a bit serious and stressed, it's hard to switch it off. But I have to switch it off. It doesn't help. Quite the opposite. It's difficult but I'm going to have to learn how to live a purposeful life, but one that is fluid and doesn't involve worry.
My sister keeps telling me I'm too bright.... I think she's being generous, but there's no doubt I'm an over thinker. I jump 20 steps ahead all the time. I need to stop doing that. I'm hoping I get an appointment for counselling / psychologist soon and can learn some practical ways to help me do this. I've done a lot already - upbeat music, positive self talk, allowing myself a few tears every so often etc, but it's difficult to maintain that state all day every day. I guess I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue to lean on the incredible support structure I have around me.
It'd be so much easier if I felt the same every day. Unfortunately it's not like that. Sometimes I feel physically better, other times I feel mentally good. It changes from day to day, making it hard to deal with it all. Something that helped one day might reduce me to tears the next. I feel sorry for those around me. They must feel like they have to be mind readers.
A very long entry tonight. Really all I needed to say was that my sister is the best. She's an amazing person and I'm so lucky to have her. I love her very much and had such a good weekend with her.
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