Today I met a woman who has just been diagnosed with breast cancer and is waiting to hear if she'll have radio or chemo. She was so strong and a very warm person. We've introduced ourselves and I hope to see her again. I also saw my former Ward mate again. I never fail to take courage from seeing her face. We're both doing this. Together. Our journeys remain different in some ways, but giving her a hug every day warms my heart and reminds me that we are both strong and more than capable of this latest challenge.
I also spent some time with a medical professional today who was fantastic. A warm, special person. She took time with me and talked to me about all sorts of things. I told her that everyone tells me side effects won't kick in until 2 weeks into treatment, but that I had felt them very strongly from the first day. Ive had thumping headaches, dizziness and often complete sensory overload (where every noise, light or touch can be too much for me). Instead of dismissing me, she said that she's seen many people who've found the first week of radio to be the worst. That was really good for me to hear. Cancer is awful no matter where it is, but the location of mine can make me doubt my own mind. I know medical professionals do too. I find that very frustrating, particularly as someone who was always so strong willed and knew my own mind. I'm not making the headaches and dizziness up; of that I'm 100% confident. But my body and mind have done some pretty rare things this past few months, so you do start to question whether the radio is causing these things, or if there's something else going on either physically or mentally. To have a professional who works with radio patients all the time tell me other patients have experienced the same (the majority of whom will have cancer elsewhere) was reassuring. If made me feel believed and I was able to trust myself a bit again. I know my own body. I know when things change. I've barely had a headache throughout this whole thing..... immediately after radio I had a pounding one, and that's been the same every day when I come off that machine. Of course stress often plays a part, but truthfully lying down getting zapped is the most relaxing part of my day! If I thought about what they were doing and why I'd be out of that machine in two seconds..... so I'm forced to take my mind somewhere else. I'm forced to relax. I lie back and I think about my relaxation/yoga breathing and my reiki relaxation. I concentrate on each part of my body from my feet up, relaxing each muscle in turn. I take a mental walk through a forest. I breathe deeply and just relax. I literally imagine the bad cells leaving my body through the top of my head. I only think good thoughts. Time spent with people I love. That's it. Only good stuff. And I relax. I'm obviously relieved when they tell me I'm done, but I'm not panicked during the treatment itself at all. Truthfully it's the journey up and back that's the worst bit. It's so long and coming home I usually feel pretty zonked. When I get home I have to be very careful about the sensory overload..... it can be pretty unbearable. Like my brain is just getting too many messages. I want to lie in a darkened room. So now I just relax. I read a book and get an early night. Last night I was asleep at 9pm. I hope to do much the same tonight.
Tomorrow is a big day...... the end of week 1. With the help of family I have set some milestones. The end of the first week is one. Plus it's a long weekend so the whole house is off on Monday, which will no doubt mean extra beach walks. The following weekend sees another visit from my sister. The boys are away to another gig in Dublin - again planned s long time ago and something we were all supposed to do together. Hearing and seeing Iron Maiden live would be well beyond my capabilities at the moment and truthfully I can think of nothing worse! But the boys going means everyone gets a break and I get more sister time. She has very cleverly scheduled in some visits over the weeks after that..... the plan being that she will take me to radio on a Monday and then we'll stay in a nice hotel in Belfast that night before radio again the next day. What she's done is break up my treatment with little happy things. Milestones and things to look forward to. Very clever and very appreciated.
So tomorrow is my first time going up on hospital transport on my own. A good friend did offer me a lift, but I have to tackle lone attendance at some point and I figured it was better to do that on a Friday than to have it hanging over me for a new week. The transport was fine anyway. A long day but really nice driver and some decent busmates! In yet more signs, the driver was singing Hall and Oates yesterday so I knew he'd been sent especially for me...... So I go into tomorrow remembering it marks the end of the first week. Another big achievement and step in the right direction.
Plus I've got reiki/reflexology/visual meditation on Saturday again, so I can't wait to feel that unbelievable sense of relaxation and calm again. I wish I'd taken time to do stuff like that before. To those of you who work, take it from me..... always make time for some proper relaxation. We all say we will but then we don't. You don't want to be forced into it like I have been. Look after yourself.
I am completely grateful to the medical professionals who saved my life and continue to do so, but ultimately I genuinely believe there is much only we can do for ourselves.
“One must not forget that recovery is brought about not by the physician, but by the sick man himself. He heals himself, by his own power, exactly as he walks by means of his own power, or eats, or thinks, breathes or sleeps.” » Georg Groddeck
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