I woke up yesterday, still unsettled. Although I did achieve a small goal by going for a very short walk on my own for the first time. The fresh air can help so much! I spent the morning sorting out books, though we're only left with happy ones! I've put all the thrillers etc in bags for charity. Only positivity in this house! So The BFG stays, the Ian Rankins go.... I had a friend up for lunch which was lovely, but truthfully I was still a bit unsettled. I think I hid it fairly well, but I was nervy. For no real reason..... just one of those days. After she left my dad called in. It was nice to see him but I remained a bit nervous. I told him about it and he tried very hard to settle me. It's difficult for people because I often say I'm ok when I'm not, and even when I'm honest about it I tend to play it down. Only those I'm very, very close to will get the truth. Not that I'm not close to my dad, because I am, but I'd never deliberately say anything that might upset him.
After he left I went for a wee sleep. I wasn't long awake when my doctors surgery rang with blood test results. I was half asleep and had no idea what they were talking about. They were all fine apart from something to do with my liver. I hung up and realised I was in a total stress over it. So I rang back to try and ask more questions. I didn't get too far..... it's nothing to worry about and will be checked again in 2 weeks. Nope, still panicking. Catastrophising, isn't that what we've learnt it's called? Yep, I was doing that. I was unsettled all day. Later in the evening a specialist nurse rang from RVH and explained that one of my medications causes a rise in something in your liver. It's no higher than if I'd had a glass of wine and absolutely nothing to worry about. That helped. I went to bed last night feeling a bit better emotionally, but I felt a bit nauseous. Everyone hates feeling sick. Don't tell me you don't.... it's the worst feeling in the world! I have tablets but of course I won't take them. Thankfully I was exhausted and fell asleep fairly early, but still woke a few times with the 'we've slept in worry'...... I also had a dream that I had a seizure..... one of the ones where it's like being tasered to the face...... I'm pretty sure I didn't have one. Big man would've woken up. Plus I stay conscious in those and can move my right hand so I'd undoubtedly have hit him to get his attention if he'd still been asleep! Also I've only had a handful of them, and the last one was weeks ago. So no, I don't think it happened. I have had some very strange overnight experiences since this all started. Often medication influenced I suspect. Plus I was always prone to the odd vivid dream. I can't even say this one was particularly vivid.....
This morning I still didn't feel great. It's often mental but it manifests physically. So I'll be a bit dopey, often shaky and can't really concentrate. I pushed myself to get up and showered etc and then took s slightly longer walk alone. Not far but a good challenge all the same. A neighbour reminded me earlier that I'd told her I'd know I felt better when I was able to walk up the road on my own. Well then I must be feeling better...!! The same person went for a longer walk with me a lunchtime which was really nice.
I'm finding that my alert times are definitely better - when I'm good, I'm good! I feel much more like myself. My dopey moments are worse though..... probably partially because I'm mentally waging war on myself. I'm expecting too much as usual and beating myself up when I don't feel good all the time. So any dips are made worse by my insistence on overthinking and berating myself....... I have counselling next week; god love her, she'll have her work cut out!!
I've kept today relaxed. My lovely neighbour went out for a walk with me at lunchtime and it was great to get more fresh air. I'm now continuing to chill out. The in laws are due late afternoon so I'm keeping myself relaxed so I'm ready for visitors.
It's just so up and down. Frustrating. Sometimes worrying and upsetting. My colleague asked me yesterday what made me feel good? On my best days, what was the common thread? It was a great question..... One is visitors, undoubtedly. Seeing friends and family always lifts me. The other is achievement. So going into the cafe the other day wasn't very nice, but I felt good afterwards for having done it. So it's about small challenges. Bear in mind that I hate being pressured and am likely to dig my heels in...... so much as my husband tries to issue me with small challenges, this will never work! I either have to decide myself or else get a gentle pull. I think that's the difference..... it's not a push, it's a pull..... a subtle difference, but a big one.
One step at a time. It still feels horribly slow to me. Time just seems to be passing around me. Sometimes I feel a bit like I'm scratching off each day..... just getting through in the hope I'll wake up feeling like my old self in the morning. I know that's just impatience and that these things don't work that way. I'm going to have to uk my stamina a bit...... there's a lot still to come and I need to be fit mentally as well as physically. I'm strong and determined but I also overthink. I'm going to have to keep the first whilst learning to manage the second. People can help, but it's something I really need to work out myself. Hopefully the counselling will help and a massive thanks to everyone who's sent words/books of wisdom. It's so appreciated. I find those who have been through something themselves often have great empathy and have some great pointers for dealing.
Xxx
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