Surrogate sister....

I have a wonderful sister.... anyone who's read this blog will be well aware of that! Unfortunately she lives in England and has a job. She's dedicated, and continues to dedicate, so much time to me. She's the first message I get every morning and the last every night. I tell her everything. She comes as often as she can, and sometimes when she really should be somewhere else. But she can't always be here. 

Lucky old me, I also have a surrogate sister..... a friend who just always knows what to do. This morning I woke up in the horrors again..... not quite as bad as before, but a very real panic. My surrogate was on call to come over if I needed her, but I was very conscious that she had other places she needs to be. So I was working very hard on getting myself over the terrors and sorting myself out. I was doing deep breathing, talking positively, and telling myself I was quite simply refusing to let it happen. The big man was helping me and it was going ok until he said he had to go to work..... The thought of being on my own spiralled me. Although I know my gorgeous son was in the house and would've worked with me, in his naturally calm and sweet way. I really didn't want him to see me in such a mess. I had texted my friend and told her I was ok and didn't need her. Kind of a lie, but I'm so conscious of starting to use people as crutches. Though I seem to keep doing it! 

No sooner had hubby left, the door knocked..... guess who?? She laughed, pointing out that she's my friend and usually knows when I need her (even when I say I don't). What an amazing human being. We sat on the bed, watching Breakfast and chatting. Izz lay with us and, after a while, my son came and chatted too. They made me laugh with their tall tales, jokes and ridiculous film ideas......

By mid morning I was lifted. I got up and had a shower and got dressed. Then another friend arrived. Full of chat and good company as always. We enjoyed a good lunch together and then it wasn't long before both 'the dads' arrived. A nice cuppa and fifteens, before a short walk with my dad. It was so nice to get the fresh air and also talk honestly with him about some of the stuff that's been going on. It's natural to try and protect people, but the reality is that you have to tell people what's going on or they can't help. 

It's ok to lean on people..... it's not something I've ever been used to doing, but I'm learning the difference it makes. It's not weakness. It's the thing that will pull you through. I'm learning how to ask for help, and I'm accepting that I often need it. I'm not beating myself up so much about it anymore. I have been so fortunate to be surrounded by friends and family who want to support me. My cage. They all do it in different ways. Some send me uplifting or funny messages, some help me out in practical ways when I ask, some visit and allow me some structure and fun to my day, others just instinctively know when I need them and appear. You're lucky if you have one person in your life who falls into the last category...... I've got a few! Thank you remains nowhere near enough...... xxx