Fighting the fear....

The thing about battling something in your head, is that it's in your head!! It affects how you think and your resilience. You change a bit. Throw some heavy duty medications into the mix and all of a sudden things can get very challenging indeed. You can be as determined as you want, but sometimes something will change and it's very difficult to understand it and keep fighting against it. But I've said from the start, I have two choices..... I can lie down and do a big 'boo hoo, woe is me' or I can keep pushing through, no matter how hard it can get. I was never going to do the first. And there's a reason why people always say a rainbow only follows rain. You cant have the highs without the lows. The good thing about the constant change is that when things are bad you know they'll always turn around again. 

Yesterday was great but then went horribly wrong.... for the first time I started to feel a panic attack coming on as I was going to sleep. Usually they're on waking up. I've never had them at any other time. As I was dozing off I could feel the first signs..... I did my breathing, engaged in some positive thoughts, relaxed (I hold my shoulders and neck so stiffly...... not sure if I always did, but I notice it now)..... and guess what?? I fell asleep! I was so tired that I didn't even have the energy for a panic attack! A great step forward because it shows me that, even though I'm fighting against the side effects of a drug, I can still win. This morning I woke just before the alarm. I felt ok but when eating breakfast I started to feel like I could have a wobble. I did what I know works..... deep breathing, singalong music, positive talk. It didn't happen. I felt a bit like I was teetering on the verge for a few hours, but I kept myself distracted by getting showered and dressed,changing  the bed sheets, putting a wash on etc. I needed fabric softener so asked my son to go down to the shop and get some. Then I had an idea....... let's go together! We can walk and I'll go into the shop for the first time in months...... I did it. It wasn't even stressful. It's something I've done a million times and Fin was at my side. No problem. After that I had visitors. A busy enough wee day. Later on I'm going to see a charity about compliment therapies that are available locally. Those are the things that'll help keep me settled and make fighting against any weird emotional reactions easier. 

Prior to my counselling tomorrow I was thinking about the coping mechanisms I've worked out for myself..... building on them might be the way forward.....

1. Music - a big one for me. Family are thankful my tastes are starting move back to where they were before..... still no Metallica but I can do a bit of Dan Baird/Georgia Satellites, Aerosmith etc I like a wee sing, and a wee dance is even better! Still has to be upbeat, but it can distract and ease any nerves.

2. Comedy - Billy Connelly is working for me at the moment. How could that not make you laugh??

3. Positive self talk - Being strong. I will talk out loud and tell myself I am not allowing it to happen, rhyming off the things I'm grateful for and why I'm ok. I'll remind myself it's the meds and that I've beaten it before and will again.

4. Flexing hands and feet - I'm not sure if it's simply because it reminds me I'm in the real world.....

5. Petting the dog - Something else to focus on. Her big, brown eyes looking up at me and feeling her soft coat.

I think it will do me a world of good to be able to talk to a stranger and not have to hold back any of my thoughts and emotions. Just to get that release. Plus I hope she'll be able to give me a few more ideas for mechanisms to bring me out of any panics..... and just dealing with everything that's going on.

Hopefully changing the anti seizure meds should help things too. Though I'll confess to still being nervous about that..... I'm scared of making things worse. It can be a very fine balance. But I know I'll have to take a chance in order to make things better over the longer term. I'll cope with that like I've coped with everything else. And when radio starts, probably the week after next, then I'll suck that up too. Because that's what I have to do to get a life back. And I want a life back. For me and for everyone around me.

Xxx