Get to the point!!

I just saw the Facebook status of a friend in which he summed up his year beautifully in a paragraph. I was an Analyat for goodness sake (he’s a drummer), it should never have taken me 2 pages to meander through an often crap year!! I will take my lead from my friend......

2017....... discovered brain tumour and spent year fighting it. Made lots of new friends and got lots of time with existing ones and with family. Discovered my son is as clever as he always told me he was and proudly saw him off touniversity in the middle of everything. A terrible year, tinged with fabulosity! 

That’s much better!! Xxx

For the presents I haven’t acknowledged

Nobody uses gift tags anymore!! I was a good girl and kept my presents for Christmas Day. I got totally muddled with the ‘which from who’ but thank you xxxxx

2017...... Don’t let the door hit you......

2017. Don’t let the door hit you on your way out. 

And yet......... a year that has shown me the worst nightmares has also unveiled some of the best people and taught me to appreciate things more.

I’ll start with the bad, so it’s out of the way. Then I’ll happily move to the good.

The bad in 2017? This pesky brain tumour. Where on earth did you come from?? Like a cartoon villain you snuck up behind me and hit me on the head with a supersized mallet!! You stopped me in my tracks. In the first month of the year. I’m not sure if more pre warning would be better or worse now. Would it be better to suspect you’re going to be hit and spend time checking around every corner? Probably best to just get hit from out of nowhere. Had I sought help for my headaches and not had the seizure, the reality is that I’d still be on a waiting list for Neurology, or for a scan at best. A great big seizure will bypass that wait...... on the downside, that route in is also terrifying for you and those around you, and may leave some trauma....... 2017 brought me option 2 but I have to advise if you’re having headaches and the odd unexplained hand tremor then you should definitely speed to your GP and get on that waiting list. The trick then is not thinking about it again because you’ll have a very long wait.........partially because idiots like me are rudely jumping the queue. Sorry about that. When asked why I didn’t go to a doctor, particularly when the odd tremor started in my left hand, my honest answer is that I knew it might be serious. I was worried it could be MS, so I very sensibly ignored it! Nobody wants to be given that news........ far better to ignore it, surely?? Erm......

So regarding the whole brain tumour thing, 2017 has been awful. Terrifying, tiring  and confusing. And often just plain sore!! A year of treatment that could never remove it completely. People say all sorts of things about cancer treatment. The internet is full of horror and conspiracy. I certainly can’t say it’s been an enjoyable time, but I put my trust in people who have studied and researched , and I committed to doing what they told me to do. There have been a few ‘stand off’ situations, but ultimately I’m not arrogant enough to believe I know better than them. I’ve always been annoyingly questioning........ and rarely short of opinion...... which I’ll happily give you if asked....... and sometimes even if not asked!!

So that’s the bad of 2017. I was diagnosed with a brain tumour;

-  Two brain surgeries...... I always have to add in that one was awake, because I think that adds an extra level of toughness!

- 30 radiotherapy treatments ...... the social aspect of which I really quite enjoyed! Lots of new friends made and lots of laughs had. 

- 2 chemotherapy sessions........ not so much fun, but honestly more the mental torture rather than the treatment itself. 

So let’s reflect on the good of 2017!

Guess what?? Hello! Still here! It’s true that I’ve felt better physically...... and I can sometimes surprise myself with an emotional fragility I wasn’t really previously aware of, but I’m very much alive and kicking. 

No damage. #stillnotstupid Still very capable of getting a Pointless answer. Equally capable of taking a load of unwashed clothes from the washing machine and putting into the tumble dryer (and turning it on).......... So just the same! I recently found the letter from after the psychologist from post surgery testing.... my weak points are flexibility (always was and still true) and decision making (I hate to tell you, but sometimes I really don’t care and don’t have a strong opinion about what you’re asking me!)  Which can only be a good thing, surely? So if I feel strongly about something there’s no bending me, but otherwise I’m fairly laid back.  My Myers Brigg sresult remains unchanged too. Nothing has changed since March then! I’m getting better at being laid back though..... Honestly I think I always suffered a bit of anxiety but would’ve covered it. I’m getting better at recognising and facing it now. For me, the best ways are meditation, breathing and nature.. I was always a big reader and a walker.  I’ll never be a painter........ that has now been properly established!! Bizarrely, I am now up to 42,000 hits on this blog though......  

2017 has revealed some amazing stars to me! Some I was already aware of, others were dulled by cloud but have been revealed now, yet more I just hadn’t seen because I wasn’t looking in the right part of the sky. My shining stars. The ones who have made sure the path is lit. My family and friends. The people I love.

If it weren’t for being unwell, 2017 would’ve been one of the best times of my life in terms of the people I’ve spent time with and the fun I’ve had.  Now I get to take all the lessons learned and friends revealed into 2018!

So come on 2018, I have list of people that should get a break!  And then there’s that other thing..........is it gone yet?? 

Happy New Year Xxx

The best presents

Written on Christmas Day, but strictly embargoed until engagement news announced to all who need to know!

Christmas just kind of snuck up...... I’d managed to sort a few presents, but hadn’t done terribly well. As far as my husband and son go, I rarely get it right anyway! Apart from this year it seems!...... nothing flash, just a fleece and a dvd each so they’d have something to open this morning. I almost always get the ‘under tree’ gifts wrong.  Hubby tends to pick his own now and we sort my son out through “Do you fancy buying me / paying for me to......?” type bargaining. Better than spending money on things people don’t want (which was always the stuff I’d picked!!) This year The girl done good and I was delighted when both genuinely liked their gifts!  I was spoilt....... which seems unfair as I’ve been being spoilt for the past 11 months...... 

In amongst the wonderful goodies was a paint set. So many people have suggested I try it, but I always felt it wasn’t for me. More recently I realised that my mother and sister was/is arty, and a friend had said I should try it and see what happens. What was even nicer was that hubby had taken time and spoken to the guy in the art shop in order to make sure he got the right set for a total novice. I can’t imagine what’s going to come out of those brushes, but I’m quite curious to see! I go in with zero expectations, so I can’t let myself down!

One friend gave me the most thoughtful package she’d made up. I’m ashamed to admit I’d thrust her gift at her just after I’d said “I’ll at least take the half price sticker off it before I give you it, but I’m not wrapping!” What a friend! She knows I’d go to the end of the world for her though. And back again. I might just need her arm to link in with....!!

Other gifts were beautiful and appreciated, however it seems no-one uses gift tags these days so I’ve already thanked people for gifts they didn’t give me........ and have little doubt I’ll not acknowledge people.

I don’t need gifts anyway. Their time and friendship has been more than enough.

A quiet Christmas Day, but then I got a phone call.......... my sister got engaged!! She was widowed at a young age due to her husband having motor neurone disease, and it was so good to see her settled with a good bloke after all she’d been through. Her (now) fiancé is very loved by my family, and also by her former husbands family (who have always stayed part of ours). Equally, his family have welcomed her (and us) into their fold. Proof that families don’t always have to conform to the traditional.  News of the engagement resulted in my complete inability to stop crying..... good tears....... In my defence, I was watching Love Actually when she rang so I was already fragile....!! I’m matron of honour, so there’ll be no mucking about with being unwell. I take this one seriously....... though I may need to go for empire line due to my ever changing weight! 

Someone committed to looking out for my sister, as she continues to selflessly look out for me. Seems fair. 

Merry Christmas Xxx

Ho ho ho

It’s been a few weeks..... simply because I haven’t had much to say....... a good thing, surely?? Finding our new ‘normal’?  A world that doesn’t spin entirely around me...... granted, still a wee bit, but not as much.....maybe....... part of the reason for no blogging has been a lack of time due to all the visitors! It’s lovely to have so many people calling to say hi or inviting me out for a cuppa and a catch up. The most valuable gift you can give - time. Always in short supply, but the best gift you could receive.

As usual, I often find myself amazed by the good people all around me...... friends who are happy to help me get things done, or to make me laugh and remind me I’m still me. I still get the odd message or card that stops me in my tracks too...... usually someone who’s just written down exactly what’s in their head at that time. Honest outpourings of any nature (Apart from mean........ that’s an honest outpouring to be kept to yourself thanks!! Thankfully I don’t seem to know too many meanies!) 

I’ve been trying to stay away from my phone more too.  I usually enforce my ‘tech curfew’ sometime after 8pm....... flight mode on, no notifications or messages to be tempted by until the morning! It’s been days of ‘stuff’...... pottering, visitors, appointments. You’d think I’d have managed to sort out Christmas presents wouldn’t you? In my defence, I can’t drive now and am often a bit off kilter so need assistance for trips into town! 

It just kind of crept up on me....... especially now I’m back at work! Yep, delighted I didn’t hit a year. I can’t currently do what I was doing this time last year, but at some point I had to start testing myself..... I’ve said it many times, but it’s not as if I’ve been lying in bed, watching Jeremy Kyle! I’ve stayed mentally and physically active most days. It’s time to channel that a bit, while also ensuring I don’t let people down through overcommitment, or set myself back. Gently as we go....... In the new year I’ll be able to properly get some structure back to my day, and start to see what my limitations might be. So far I’ve found there’s little I can’t still do if I concentrate....... my two biggest enemies are tiredness and distraction. Nothing new with the latter.... ‘oooo, shiny’!! 

With the help of a friend today, I managed to at least get a Christmas dinner! Plus a couple of wee things for the boys......... though one of them is likely to find a copy of Wind in the Willows wrapped up with one of their gifts........... it was in the bag, I was wrapping stuff, I’ve no idea what happened in between times but I haven’t managed to locate the book.... It’ll turn up at some stage and we’ll no doubt laugh at its location! 

Scan discussion on 18th Jan, but in the meantime I’m doing what they told ms to do and not worrying because they ‘look good’. Naturally I’m impatient, but I’m pretty good at ignoring things so I’m just doing that!! Happy Christmas xxx

You’re in charge of Christmas....

I’ve had no energy for Christmas this year. I know that’s wrong and am trying not to be a total Grinch. I’m not depressed or refusing to leave bed, I’m just tired after a very big year, and the thought of lifting out a dirty, dusty tree didn’t hold much appeal to me. I don’t like a big fuss all round the house as it’s just more to clean around, but was always faithful about putting up the tree.  I’m sure our tree is close to the age of our marriage (20 years)............. purchased in Woolworths, all the labels have come off the branches so it’s very much a ‘hit and miss’ creation anyway!  

I half heartedly looked at a few new ones with hubby, but I really wasn’t particularly interested. I dithered a bit more. In the end up I uttered the words he needed to hear “you’re in charge of Christmas!” 

On Saturday I took myself away for yet another ‘treat night’. The treat is really only for me....... my friends just get an incredibly boring night. They’ve all said it’s lovely for them to get a night away and complete relaxation, but I fear it’s not much fun to be in bed by 7pm and asleep by 8.30pm, after a good read of course! This time I surpassed myself.......... I woke up in what I believed to be morning....... sat up, light on, followed by the genuine observation “I’m trying to work out why my phone is stuck on half two. I think it’s frozen.” I even rebooted it.  There was some noise outside the room, with someone banging on a neighbouring door with a yell of “Its room service. Your ballcock is broken!” 

Then I realised. I looked at my friend “oh god, is it half two in the morning??” She laughed and told me it was! There was no hint of annoyance. Not even when I then had to get up to go to the loo! She didn’t sigh or tut, she just accepted I hadn’t done it on purpose and saw the humour. She even gently ensured I got up to take tablets at 7am, after I hit the snooze button. I share beds with the best people!!

On return home, I discovered my husband had ‘done Christmas’. The house had been cleaned, there was a new tree up and a few other unfussy items around the house. Nothing over the top, but Christmas has arrived in our house. Now all I need to do is buy a few presents!

Unfortunately I brought a nasty cold home with me. I also have an infection in a partially erupted wisdom tooth (just not quite wise enough yet it seems). This afternoon I took to my bed for a few hours. My new bed! It arrived yesterday morning. It’s so tall I wasn’t sure if I’d need a stepladder. I couldn’t feel any pea earlier but I certainly feel like a princess! 

I even enjoyed a lovely phone call from Glasgow from  my son and his friend. What better call to receive??

I’m rotten with a cold, I’m tired, but I have wonderful friends and family, and a  no fuss Christmassy house! Next weekend I’m away again, to my Wind in the Willows Live  haven! My sister and her partner will be with us, as we get to admire the beautiful scenery and spend the quality time together that we rarely would’ve made time for prior to my diagnosis. 

I can’t wait to see the view in a different season. Hoping the ice and snow stay away, but confident we’ll be toasty warm Xxx

Oh why are we harking...??

Once upon a time a life changed. 

I used to get excited about going to gigs and having big nights out. Now I’m excited by quiet ‘treat nights’ with friends, hair cuts and Carol Services...... but that’s ok! I’m loving my treat nights away with friends and family. Just relaxed time together, all giving me things to look forward to.....

Yesterday I had planned a ‘pixie for Christmas’. After months of headscarves, I reckoned the time had come...... the hair had to go! Unfortunately it’s just not long enough yet. 

My hair loss was largely due to radio to the head. It appeared like male pattern baldness...... a relatively quickly receding hairline. I took to covering the dodgy bit with thick width headbands/scarves and hats when needed. Gradually the bit round the front is growing back. Similar to what The Script say about a heartbreak, it seems that when a “[hairline grows back], no it don’t [grow] even.”  the front and top grew fast, giving me a spiky effect. The left hand side grew quick too..... starting as an undercut type look. The right (surgery) side took longer but had finally started to catch up with the left. So the decision was made. Get it all evened out, short. A pixie for Christmas!

Unfortunately we’re not there yet. The top needs to be longer to get any sort of shape, so I’m stuck with the pirate/Amish look for a wee while yet! 

Not to be disappointed, I went home and performed a very quick turnaround...... changed, fed and ready to attend a carol service. In very Pride and Prejudice style, one of my bosses called to my house and escorted me to the service.  Less traditionally, my husband saw me off at the car, shaking the hand of my gentleman escort, and giving me a kiss before telling us to have a good time.  Isn’t it nice when people can just be mature and secure? 

The service was lovely. Attended by lots of faces I haven’t seen for a while...... some of whom even sang in a choir! An absolute delight. Long enough to make it feel good to have attended, short enough to not drag things out. 

I haven’t been in a church in a while. This became shamefully apparent to me when the processional choir began to walk in, the organist blasted into the first few bars of “Oh Come All ye Faithful”, and I looked round to find the joker about to break into “Oh Why Are We Waiting?” I genuinely thought that’s what they were about to start singing!! I thought they’d added a wee bit of humour in for the attendees...... Why on earth would I think that??? Worse still, I had given the man with me a quizzical look when it started and so was quite sure that he knew what I’d been thinking! It was all I could do to keep the laughter in.... I managed it though. It was made easier by the horrifying noise of my alarm, just as the minister welcomed us........ no of course I can’t find my phone in my bag, sure where’d be the fun in that??......followijg thd ‘did I just swear?’ moment, I found the phone and turned off the alarm for my 7pm anti seizure medication...... that I hadn’t taken with me......... I’ve often wondered what’d happen if you delayed doses....... well, it seems 2.5 hours late is fine! 

Afterwards it was off for a nice cuppa in a local church hall, catching up with people and also (as ever) chatting to a few new!

A carol service. Not a fancy event. A few hours.  Why did it make me feel so good?? A few reasons. I put on a skirt, heels (that was a mistake....), and a tiny bit of make up for the first time in 10 months! I was collected from my house by someone I trust and who’s company I enjoy. Both hubby and I were relaxed in knowing I would be safe, but I also got the fun of having my door opened for me. I felt like a princess, in the traditional, fairytale sense of the expression!! At one stage, when my legs had decided Keep Fit and heels on the same day was too much, I had a gentleman on each arm....... I resisted the urges for a swingsy, but it wasn’t easy........!!

Last night I wasn’t the poor wee sick girl. I was the girl who’d made the tiniest bit of effort.  I was the independent girl going out with work colleagues.  Yet also the girl who was safe and secure at all times. Being challenged but, as always, with a little help from my friends...... 

Once upon a time..... 

And then she knew she’d get the independent side of her life back and live happily ever after with her family and friends all around her. 

Very far from The End

Xxx

Winning the battle......

There’s still a war, I know that, but it seems this battle goes to Team Trish! Earlier, I received a phone call to tell me that my scan had been looked at and it ‘looks good’! My consultant appointment won’t be until later in January so she asked I be phoned to ensure I’m not worrying unnecessarily over Christmas. 

I’m pretty certain now that my Consultant was never the bitch I thought she was. In fact, I’m starting to think I’m the bitch for putting more pressure onto people just trying to do their jobs under awful financial restraints. We need to stop blaming the people, and start blaming the systems. The lack of finances, the lack of even knowing what the meagre budget will be, the shortage of nurses etc etc etc 

More importantly, for me, not blaming anyone or thing and just getting on with the important stuff! Like any disagreement, there comes a time when you realise the reasons don’t matter and the more important thing is whether that person should be in your life. My oncologist needs to be in my life. She’s an expert. And it seems I should be glad she is......  Instead of grumbling about her manner, I’d do better to thank her for helping save my life. 

We’ve had the best news we could’ve had! I don’t know the details yet, but I believe ‘looks good’ means the treatment has done what was wanted and expected. It’ll still be there, but under control. I’m assuming if there had actually been a miracle and it was gone that she’d have come and told me.......or that there’d be journalists camped outside my door!  I’m off to make a grilled cheese sandwich just in case I’ve missed a sign, but I’m pretty sure we’re celebrating the end of treatment and a gaining of some control. I don’t need a miracle, I’ve got everything I need already in family and friends. If this thing is tamed, and I can get back to work and back to my life, then thats miracle enough for me..... I get to keep all the wonderful new friends  and lessons I found along the way too, right?? 

Honestly, of course I want it gone but I don’t really care about having to live with a bit of it. I have done for years, I just didn’t know it!! It’s a much better prospect than some of the scenarios I was offered at the start. I’m s bit worried about being too happy. I don’t want to skud myself again. But I have to take the positives when I get them. The war is far from over, but I feel like I can now really see how the treatment and stress and heartache were for a reason. I feel like I haven’t let anyone down and they haven’t let me down. My cage has kept me protected for another while.

The specialist says it looks good and I should relax and enjoy Christmas. I’ll take that!! Xxx

Keeping the NHS in business.....

As if they didn’t have enough to do, it seems my family are insistent on using NHS resources! This time another, different member had an overnight stay, with potential heart problems. Thankfully now, discharged back into the community with a few more tests to be done. Disaster averted. 

I’ll admit the mention of a brain scan was a little scary, but it’s been confirmed there’s a brain in there but nothing else that shouldn’t be there! If my scan says the same I’ll be delighted. 

As already reported, my scan went ahead on Wednesday. I fell asleep due to my zen state of being nowadays...... Hoping for an update soon. Hard to fight an invisible enemy...... 

My gorgeous and thoughtful son bought me a lovely illustrated copy of “Alice in Wonderland”, but issued me with the warning ‘Remember, it’s a bit of a head f*ck of a book!’ I have put it with all the other books I have bought or been given...... books of calmness, books of wisdom, books to relax with. Books chosen with care and given with love. Gotta love a well chosen book!! Xxx

Ringing the bell

Today was post treatment scan day. I was horribly nervous. For no real, logical reason, but it’s been rough enough going. As ever, family and friends saw the shoulders start to sag in the last few weeks and jumped in. Cuppas and lunches, gifts in the Post and a constantly buzzing phone. All little hugs delivered and  gratefully  received.  Its hard to feel sad when you’re surrounded by good people. One friend I visited at the weekend introduced me to Hector...... the donkey she ended up buying when she went to a market to buy chickens (she just couldn’t resist him apparently! He is lovely). How can you possibly not love someone who tells you that story after you look at them quizzically following a loud eeeeee-aawwww from outside??!! This is sort of person I find myself surrounded by now. The non judgmental people, just taking life as it comes.

 I spent Monday night in a very plush hotel with my surrogate sister...... reading and relaxing in the comfiest bed ever made! Completely comfortable physical surroundings and, more importantly, completely comfortable company.  A solid night’s sleep and a lovely walk through Crawfordsburn Forest Park. A revelation for the North Downers.........you do not live on the Gold Coast..... I’m sorry, but it’s bronze! The North Coast is the Gold Coast. Helens Bay is lovely but nothing on Castlerock...... although I do love the mix of forest and beach. Definitely beautiful, but not golden.....!! Our walk helped loosen up muscles and it felt so good to breathe in the fresh air and admire the beautiful autumn colours.

Not content to just go for a walk of course, we now have a mission to track down an old friend of a gentleman we met walking his dog. We have limited information, but will work on it and hopefully reunite two friends in their 70s. 

Hubby took the day off to take me up for my scan today. After a lot of work, I’d got myself into a better place emotionally over it. Little point panicking over a scan..... wait for results day to do that! I’d worked so hard at relaxing that I fell asleep during the scan itself! I’m aware of at least 3 times I woke up after having dozed off...... on one ocassion there was a definite ‘snuffle’ (not quite snoring, not quite normal breathing). 

Whilst I am more than sure it was a trick of the light, I feel I have to share that at one point I saw behind my eyes what apoeared to be my brain with something that looked like exactly like a coffee bean sitting on the edge. If I’d opened my eyes I’d probably have seen Marylin Monroe or Jesus on the wall, ........  but I admit it publicly anyway,....... partially because I find it quite interesting......and mostly because it’s kind of funny! 

Following the scan it was off to get my picc line out. No amount of begging is going to allow me to keep it..... I’ll have to get used to getting needles stuck in me again if I’m getting blood tests done. Thankfully, I asked for my bloods results from them being taken earlier in week, and the platelets and neutrophils  are both still going in the right direction. It won’t change anything, but it does reassure me to know they’re doing ok. Removal of the line means no more ‘shower condom’ so I can shower more freely and even lie back in a bath!!

In between scan and picc we stopped for some food. Not only did I get a quick chat with a friend I know from a completely different environment, I got to ring the bell!! When I’d been doing radio I’d heard there was a plan to instal a bell in the waiting room. The idea being that you could ring it in completion of your last radio blast. I heard that the bell was now there...... and couldn’t resist. I gave the waiting room a brief explanation that the bell wasn’t there when I finished mine, and then I gave it  three dings! It’s amazing how such a simple act can feel so good! I’ll confess the accompanying round of applause helped!  Pride isn’t an attractive trait, but I think it’s ok to feel a sense of relief and be able to smile about it in a situation like cancer treatment !

Removal of my picc line was fine. No pain...........although I’d say my eyes may water a bit tomorrow afternoon when I take the tape off....... completely brilliant nurse, but he wraps arms like I wrap presents....... (the answer is always MORE TAPE!)

I have nothing but praise for the staff I encountered today. Everyone I dealt with was helpful and pleasant. One even gave me her personal mobile number so I could contact her I ever needed anything that she could help with. She’s the second one to do that. Definitely above and beyond. I even got a lovely hug from a nurse who I’d made laugh.  One gave me a post it note and asked me to write three words about my visit today (her boss had an idea...!) I wrote “<her name> is lovely” Childish feedback, but seemed like fun! Always possible to carry out a good job, even while having a bit of a laugh at the same time.....

Next!

A couple of tough weeks. Definitely emotionally unpredictable, but well supported by family and friends. It feels a bit like we’re having to come to terms with things all over again. With constantly moving goalposts. 

Truthfully I’ve been disappointed at the  ‘routine’ of some aspects of our cancer care system. It can feel a bit like you’re being thrown around. A bit like a lab rat who gets thrown to the next person as each bit is done.  There are wonderful individuals along the way, but often it’s very obvious you’re one of many and that they’re busy. 

I guess that’s the hard facts. I am one of many and the Health Service, like most public services, is at breaking point. There’s no time to sit down with a patient and explain things in detail, whilst simultaneously holding their hand. There’s often no time to  even sit down with them.  If you want scans or appointments with GPs or consultants, you have to navigate the system. And you have to wait. That can be difficult when you’re not at your best. It can get frustrating. I like structure. I like strategic plans. Like Prisoner (which I don’t remember because I’m too young, but know of due to its cult status...) I don’t like feeling like a number.  Nobody does. The lack of clarity and what I can’t describe with any word other than ‘kindness’ over my chemo being stopped, made it harder for me to take in. I’m sure there was information given that my sister and I just couldn’t take in. We were still in shock from being told chemo was stopping.  So I’ve been a bit glum...... a bit crabbit....... a bit anxious. Thankfully, as ever, family and friends are rallying round. Sometimes I’ve had to give myself a bit of a kick, but I’ve made sure I’m up and out or seeing people. I can understand how easy it’d be to wallow...... mud, glorious mud......nothing quite like it (maybe I should’ve stayed in it a bit longer and properly cooled my blood before I made a few phone calls this week....)

Would you believe that as I wrote the above, my husband walked in with yesterday’s post? (We have a box on the wall and I never remember to check it! My postie is fantastic and always knocks the door to try and hand it to me, particularly if he sees hospital letters. We were out yesterday so it went into the box). So I opened the post today to find out my scan is on Wednesday! Something I pushed for being done quickly, is being done quickly. 

So now of course I’m completely terrified! Which is pretty stupid, even for me. There’s nothing we can do about what it says.  Sing it with me.....”What’s the use in worrying? It never was worthwhile SO.....”  If only it were that easy.... but I’ve got a sneaky Monday night away ahead with a good and funny friend,  to make me laugh and to relax. Then I have a scan and can hope for a quick Consultant meeting and results. After that we deal with whatever we get told. Exactly as we’ve been doing all year. With love and laughter to push down any fear that tries to creep in.  Or with sheer delight at being the human equivalent of the Virgin Mary picture on the side of a grilled cheese sandwich!! I’ll happily settle for the girl living a normal life with the much reduced  in size brain tumour. Like others do. That was aim and everything to date had pointed to that as the outcome.  Pack up your troubles......

What is absolutely sure is that I’m still here..... I can roll over, or I can get on with enjoying things. The scan won’t hurt me.  I need to establish what life’s going to be like. Honestly, while I’m keen to work again and have a clearer daily purpose, I’ve also no intention of stopping hugging trees and enjoying simple acts of kindness (hopefully both giving and receiving). On Thursday I had lunch with some of my dearest friends, alongside my best friend from childhood. Yesterday I visited a ‘new’ friend who went to a market to buy chickens and came home having bought a donkey called Hectar!!  What a wonderful life!! Xxx

Take my hand.....

I’m not quite a stranger in paradise....... more like a stranger in hell im afraid..... Last week wiped me a bit. I hadn’t blogged about it, but prior to my ‘no more chemo’ news, my husband, sister and her partner had booked to go away on the Saturday night. Just a local break, but one we were looking forward to. Unfortunately earlier in the day a family member took a tumble and ended up in hospital after head butting a road.....  Thankfully no major damage, but a few nights in hospital to be sure.

So we’d had to cancel a planned treat, were worried about someone we love, and then had the added bonus of pre chemo stress...... to be topped off by the ‘no more chemo’ news. I can write as much as I like about feeling relieved and knowing it was the best thing, but the truth was I wasn’t feeling relaxed! All my usual family and friend steadies rushed in, instinctively knowing I might be struggling with so much going on....... my sister bumped her flight, my hubby took a few days off work, friends rang, called round and messaged. The Midnight Bark put into action again, and my faithful friends making sure they knew they were there. As they always have been.

By the weekend I was starting to feel a bit less anxious. I was starting to believe my own words of reassurance. Then I went to a charity coffee morning, being hosted locally by a lady who’s husband has a brain tumour. 

As I found myself in a room with him and another lady also in our position, I started to feel myself relax. What had felt to me like the ‘failure’ of not completing six chemo cycles became a normality.  The tiredness, forgetfulness and frustration became a shared concern, and things we could laugh about together as fellow experiencers (I don’t like the word ‘suffer’... you have to allow suffering.....). Suddenly I was being told it’s normal not to finish the chemo course and often has minimal impact on outcome.... I guess they can’t tell you this at the start because it’d give people an ‘easy out’...... I’m glad I didn’t know at the beginning, but I wish they’d told me when delivering the news that my chemo was being stopped. 

I walked out of that house like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I’m not a failure for not finishing the planned six cycles of chemo. It may end up making little difference in the long run. Others have the same ‘oddities’ as me and it’s ok. We’re all here. We’re all functioning well. We’re all learning to live with it........ A local support group is being set up, which will be a great way to get to know others in a similar situation. 

Take my hand. You’re not a stranger in paradise, but you’re not alone. Others know how you feel. Yet more to bolt into the support cage! Xxx

It’s still just news....

I know the reality is that it makes no difference really. Chemo was the older fashioned, snazzier appearing braces to back up the much more practical moved button of surgery and belt of radio. Nobody notices the button was moved. You can’t see it. Very few say “Oooo, look at that worn, brown leather belt. Look how well it holds up your trousers.” Yet there was plenty saying “Wow, look at those fancy braces! Look at how they’re holding up your trousers”, despite them already hopefully being held up by the moved button and the belt. 

The braces served little purpose, but to ensure my button didn’t pop, my belt didn’t break and my trousers fall down! They were brightly patterned and made me feel like I was making a special effort, which is why I quietly grimaced through them digging into my shoulders and the fastenings cutting into my waist. As the belt served as much of a purpose as it could, I was left with just the braces.  I knew eventually they’d be worn and faded and would have to come off. I thought I’d get longer out of them and have gained a bit more weight when the time came to take them off.. I also thought I’d have some warning.... But the reality is that the bits where they were rubbing had other ideas. The braces snapped. 

So now I have no belt and no braces...... exactly the same as the case has been for years and years. I do, however, have a moved button (surgery), a slightly elasticated (medicated) waistband and a group of people walking alongside me. Some are tailors, some will give my trousers a wee pull up every so often and some just have excellent eyesight......... regardless....... the trousers won’t instantly fall down!  

The braces were always going to have to be taken off. We’d decided they’d come off next year. As it was, they snapped, and Health and Safety removed them for fear of more damage (like being caught in a shredder heaven forbid!!) Don’t be alarmed to hear my braces have gone. Look back and realise what awful braces they were and how much discomfort they were causing. It was wise to wear them, but they’re gone now. Let’s see if these trousers stay up alone with the moved button. I never liked those old braces anyway! They constricted me so much and weren’t my colour. Come on trousers....... let’s go get on with living!  Xxx

It’s just news

Unexpectedly I’m done with chemo. It was taking me 9 weeks for my bloods to recover and then, having them being ok on Monday, they droppedagain before I had my planned treatment yesterday evening.......  yet again everything changes in 24 hours........ My sister and I headed up the road yesterday, all prepped for the start of cycle 3. Halfway point. As per our routine, my bloods had been taken on Monday and I’d had confirmation of take off. We had a great day in Belfast...... doing an important message and visiting work friends. 

By the time we got to the main event I was a bit tired, but happy, and ready....... My day was completely made by the sight of my gorgeous son popping in to say hi before his next lecture.

They took bloods again........ apparently they always do this (I can’t remember but confirmed by my sis!) I knew. I swear I knew. I even jokingly said to the nurse “If these have dropped and I don’t get treatment, I’m holding you personally responsible!”  A joke, no more than that. But deep down I knew. We sat. We waited. I practised deep breathing exercises, because I knew. 

Sure enough....... called in to the doctor to be told my neutrophils had dropped from 1.5  to 0.8. Just like that. Overnight. I’m not sure when I’ll ever really accept that your world can change so quickly. My own consultant and nurse it seems we’re busy somewhere else...... so, despite issuing the instruction, weren’t there to properly explain (in fairness, the clinic was packed and I’m sure they’d worse news to deliver)...... I wasn’t having any more chemo. No delay. No reduced dose. No extended regime. No more. Treatment over.  The doctor who told me was very good and answered every question thrown at her, but it was undoubtedly a massive bit of news. 

I have absolutely no doubt you have read that and translated it in exactly the same way I initially did..... “Go home, there’s no more we can do for you.” In a way that’s completely true, however........... and I’ve learnt there is always a ‘however’.......... the facts remain. 

Let’s look at them  (there’s a tv show nagging but I can’t quite get it.... “Let’s look at the facts”...... Crimewatch? ?);

We knew from the start my tumour was incurable. The agreement by all concerned was that we would throw everything available at it and see how much we could shift. The next step is to have a scan and find that out. We already know a lot was removed through the surgeries. My last scan was while I having chemo, so it was difficult to measure the effects of radio and chemo. The aim of treatment was always to get it to a manageable, non aggressive state....... the same as it’s been for years...... The scan helps us see if this has happened. Two bouts of a chemo that appears to have a very strong impact on my good cells, may have had significant impact on the bad ones too. Especially when it followed surgeries and radio. Chemo was always the final blast of RoundUp for the roots. Let’s see what the roots are doing, before we jump ahead into despair.  Maybe the weed has stopped growing. Regardless, I feel relieved of the checks in place to ensure you aren’t given more chemo than your body can take. 

This has been a horribly hard year for my whole family. And yet, let’s not forget, my husband is thoroughly enjoying a new job, my son has gone to a great university, and  I have shown myself what I’m capable of and made fantastic friends. Like every other year, there have been fantastic bits and awful bits....... the dips have just been a little more pronounced than anyone would like. 

 Now, for the first time since 20 January, I get to be out of treatment and not worrying about the next one. My body can finally have a proper break. Plus I can see properly “how I feel”, without wondering if it’s a side effect of chemo etc. Now I can see what life might actually look like. What will I need help with? What can I reasonably do? There’s a lot more in the second category than in the first..... I know that already.  Now I can properly assess all that and see how my new life is going to look.

I’m not trying to play down something and pretend I haven’t shed tears. It’s scary, but it’s always been scary. The truth is nothing has hugely changed. We’re all terminal from the moment we’re born......I’ve no more of a deadline than you have. 

As my very wise son said , “”It’s just news. It’s not inherently good or bad.”  He’s absolutely right. Let’s not catastrophise!!,,,,,, let’s enjoy not having chemo anymore!! And being alive! We’ve done as much as the science told us to do.  Now let’s see what’s next. Bearing in mind it’s been in there for years! My aim is to just get back to the way I was before this thing started stinging. (Although a calmer, hippier version!) xxx

I read the news today, oh boy....

Another ‘no chemo’ Tuesday. I’ll get this finished yet! Seems the doctor’s holidays would’ve made little difference anyway as, yet  again my bloods are misbehaving. I’m taking some comfort from the fact that they’re doing exactly what they did before....... platelets down, then back up but neutrophils down. At the current measures, both have been worse, and whilst not high enough to allow treatment, are not low enough to cause panic . I’ll confess, the analyst in me is feeling an urgent need to put them in a line graph and see if I can match them against other factors........ I’m missing a few numbers (I have things written in numerous different notebooks!), otherwise it would’ve been done yesterday. Part of me wants to ask for them all and get to work..... the other part is telling me to wise up, remember they’ve both been far lower, and concentrate on just being cool and calm. I think the problem can come when you naturally become more settled when there’s a bit of order........ sad, I know........ Plotting blood levels may be my natural instinct, but to what objective? What mystery am I trying to solve? We know why they drop. That’s what chemo does. That’s why they’re checked; to ensure it’s safe to give you the next dose, and to ensure nothing dangerous is happening. This week I know the answer to both..... no and no. So no chemo but no medical panic. No amount of line graphs or analysis will change that!! Relax! I always feel so much better when I do. I sleep better, I feel better mentally and physically. Trust those that know what they’re doing. If I walk in with a line graph, I’ll scare the b-jeekers out of them!! Let them do their job. 

Knowing my stress triggers has definitely helped me, but I’ve loads of work to do! I’m still not very good at the initial blood tests results........ I try, but I haven’t got it yet........ definitely a “could do better”. A few days of rest and relaxation, that’s what I need. Not careering off channelling nervous energy into line graphs and the constant quest for black and white answers. 

I read this yesterday in a magazine and realised how true it is of so many of us! It was part of an article on living in the moment and being spontaneous sometimes. I wish I’d read it a year ago!!! 

“...if you’re hesitant about breaking your controlled routine, you’ll find it difficult to cope if the unexpected happens and you’re forced to alter arrangements. Events will occur that are beyond your power.......” 

I’m still learning the art of rolling with the punches. 8 months on and I still haven’t quite got there! I’m getting better at it  though! Honest! I say the right things, but it’s often an attempt at reminding myself! Thankfully though, I genuinely am improving! By the weekend I’ll be totally relaxed again......... which is just as well because we have plans! 

When I woke up this morning, I had a quick look at the news, as I always do. What a horrible news day. I’m berating myself for not being more flexible and not being quicker to accept change and unexpected situations, and I’m greeted by headlines that the political talks have been extended yet again, that a 100 year old man has been the victim of an aggravated burglary in his home, and a very negatively portrayed story from a hugely brave man which is likely to essentially prevent people from pushing forward for change. 

I do not live in a country where change is always embraced and I’ll admit to never being very good at it. The magazine article resonated with me because, as someone who didn’t embrace change, I had significant change thrust upon me. I’ve been able to control very small bits, but mostly I’ve been swept along in a flow of water that will hopefully eventually lead me to freedom! Sometimes the river flows slowly and I’m impatient for it to speed up, sometimes it flows quickly and I’m fighting against rapids. Either way, it’s moving, and that’s progress. Family and friends travel with me........ sometimes throwing me a life ring, sometimes gripping me under the arms themselves, oftentimes lifting me into a boat. Realistically I’m currently in a quiet stretch of river. I just need to remember how to lie back in the boat........ Back to the Riverbank with me!! xxx

Hallowe’en friends and frights!

I know I witter on about family and friends, but their love and support cannot be underestimated. Any sort of serious illness messes with your head........ in some cases more than most!! 

Being told I couldn’t have chemo this week and definitely wouldn’t next week either was another setback. On paper, it’s a minor setback. A couple of weeks in a long game. I’m very good at saying the words, but every so often it can hit...... like a slam in the chest you realise you can’t have chemo for a few weeks. Then it’s so easy to spiral it out, and suddenly I’m being hit full force with what’s going on. Like being told for the first time, all over again. Thankfully, the more times I get a wee run of anxiety, things (and more often people) always remind me of why it’s all ok. My memory is awful, but I know this week I’ve booked a posh night away on the encouragement of my sister. I have also finalised a band list for a charity rock gig next year, following a wonderfully kind offer from a guitarist. I have enjoyed time with a group of friends that never fail to make me laugh. I have enjoyed a great day out with an old friend, and shared laughs with her whilst agreeing we will have a day out before Christmas that will involve us both getting dressed up and wearing skirts (I promise I’m not lying about in leisurewear anymore, but there hasn’t been much call for skirts and heels!) Not to mention the ongoing conversations on every available forum on my phone, providing serious debate, updates, and mostly laughs. Plus the hubby who understands I need someone to sit with me for half an hour or so to help me feel safe and secure again. Happy, good people all around me.

I meditate every day. I get walks in the fresh air every day. Sometimes I potter a bit at housework (mostly washing....... hubby has suggested I need to start ‘staggering’ it as we can’t get it all dried!!)  I have a cuppa or go for a walk with friends etc every day. Sometimes I wonder how I had time to work! The biggest frustrations remain the small ones though........ I find it difficult to fill the dogs water bowl because it’s heavy and I’m worried about dropping it.  Sometimes I get a headache that stops me in my tracks. I’m often hugely tired, particularly in the afternoons. Sometimes my left leg lets me down a bit...... just a bit weak and/or not paying attention to messages I’m sending it. My self confidence remains a little variable.

So, nothing new in particular. So why am I blogging?? Well, firstly because it’s Sunday morning and I’m not hugely interested in Matvh of the Day. Secondly because I like writing. Thirdly because I (always) have  a funny story.......

Last night hubby and son went out for a while. They went to watch The Lost Boys being shown at an old, local cinema. Great craic! I didn’t go because scary films aren’t a great idea for me (even ones you’ve seen so many times you know parts of the script off by heart......... “Death by stereo!”)  I also find it hard to stay up past 9pm as I get so tired. So I stayed home. My sleep has been disrupted this week. Almost always stress related, I find myself having very vivid dreams sometimes. A few nights ago I awoke in agony, completely convinced my spleen was about to rupture....... I don’t even know what my spleen does (although I do know my dad has lived happily without one for around 40 years following a rugby mishap that he’s very proud of!)so I’ve no idea where this notion came from!! In reality, I had awful heartburn from the sneaky, dirty McDonalds I’d had for dinner.....Someday I’ll learn..... maybe.....!! 

Last night I was conscious I was home alone the weekend before Hallowe’en and had had a bit of a stressy week. So I snuggled up early, with a good book. I’d had to put my dog, Izzy, into the back room and kitchen. She goes mad when people knock the door and I was worried there might be trick or treaters. Early on I decided to settle down for a good nights sleep. I put on a ‘Sleep Story’ and was being lulled off to sleep by that and the fireworks. It doesn’t take me long to drift off, it’s staying asleep that’s usually the problem! Within a short time I was woken by a noise. I couldn’t quite remember what the noise had been and told myself it was probably someone at door. Deep down I knew it wasn’t though..... I began to deep breathe and tell myself it was fine and soon drifted back off. Only to be woken again. By this time my heart is pounding. There’s someone in the house. I know the noise has been from within the house. I freeze. Terrified. Sweating. Desperately trying to relax and not panic. The noise comes again. Another important lesson learned....... there is no point restricting your dog to the back of the house when she can open doors...! We’ve known for years that she has this skill. She can even open the external back door that opens outwards. We know she can do it. She knows we know she can do it. Generally she doesn’t. There’s an unwritten agreement....... if we put her to bed in the utility room and don’t shut the sliding door from the kitchen into the back room, then she will get up in the night and go to sleep on the sofa. Fair enough. That’s just savvy. Of late I’ve caught her trying to open my bedroom door so she can lie on my bed. That’s not allowed because I’m doing chemo,  so she’ll be told not to do it and she’ll skulk off in a huff. Opening the kitchen door is rarely necessary. It has glass panels and I can hear her scratching and scraping at the wood, trying to get leverage to be able to push down the handle and lean back, opening the door. She was probably scared by the fireworks, the poor thing. I go out and open the door to see a lurcher’s big brown eyes looking at me. Her ears are in their ‘sorry’ position. I tell her it’s ok and to come on in. She’s past me before I even finish the words. Straight into my room. I expected to find her on the bed, but she was lying on the carpet beside it. She could’ve got away with bottom of the bed last night, after she’d scared me half to death with her scratching and scraping! But she knows the rules...... can’t go on the bed while mums doing chemo.  

So not only am I supported by wonderful family and friends..... even my dog has my back and is careful to be sure she’s beside me when needed. Surrounded by love! Xxx

You can’t hurry.....

Love. 

Phil Collins told me that when I was only a kid. And I believe The Supremes told him......

You can’t hurry chemo either. With good reason. Doesn’t make it any more frustrating unfortunately! Yesterday I got a phone call to ask why I hadn’t attended clinic..... erm....... because I got a phone call, telling me my bloods weren’t good enough for chemo?....... Then I was told that regardless of my test results next week, I still wouldn’t get chemo because my doctor is off on leave.......... 

I know Health is hugely underfunded, and it’s especially difficult at the moment with no local Ministers. I’ve watched nurses and doctors run off their feet, and would never suggest for a moment that they shouldn’t be able to get their holidays. This entry isn’t a slap at hard working people doing an impossible job. 

But I t’d be remiss of me not to give the patients side however. My family and I are dealing with an awful time. I have friends going through it with us too. Unavoidable delays make it worse and more stressful. Mistakes because a file hasn’t been read properly, or a message passed on, make it worse. Avoidable delays because no-one else can clear me for take off, make it worse again. It’s frustrating and it’s more stressful than it should needto be.

This, it seems, is the world of chemo. A world of set backs and frustration. Not to mention the feeling like shit. Yet, given the choice again, would I do it?  Yes, if the experts recommended it then yes, I would. In for a penny..... Its not an easy road for me or anyone close to me, but when you commit to s course of action then you follow through...... 

The most important things in life are not to be rushed. So after my initial upset, and my admittedly probably still stress and slight bad mood (sorry to anyone who’s had brunt!), I will settle down for another chemo holiday. Two weeks makes no difference long term. Slow and steady, the tortoise will win the race eventually.....a wee short cut would be nice though......Xxx

Round and round

Bloods say ‘no’ again. So frustrating but unavoidable. We’ll get to this halfway point eventually!! Unfortunately chemo cycle 3 couldn’t be started again this week. We’ll try again next week. 

In good news........  my platelets are going up. Not high enough for treatment yet, but getting there slowly. And my sister is flying over anyway! Best. Sister. Ever. No hand holding during chemo needed this time, but always plenty of handholding needed!! As ever, a stumble along the road, but friends and family don’t let me stay down. Next week..... xxx

Wildflowers

A friend sent me the most beautiful video the other day. It seems to have been made by an environmental group, although I couldn’t and wouldn’t begin to talk of their politics. I tried to research but kept falling into internet black holes, so I’m deliberately conscious of not showing support for the group that made it. Not that anyone would care if I did, I’m sure!! Regardless , the film was fabulous. It was short, but beautifully filmed and narrated. 

On the surface it was a short nature film. The subject matter, muntjac deer, filmed with care and love. What I found interesting is that I know, from a report I once wrote about environmental crime,  that muntjac deer are regarded as an invasive, pest species. Like grey squirrels, muntjac were introduced, have escaped from small areas and are leading to the destruction of native deer / red squirrel mainly through the introduction of new diseases. They are also often blamed for an increase in road traffic collisions.

Not unlike Sitka Spruce.......who don’t cause road traffic collisions to my knowledge, but have certainly got a bad reputation in Tollymore, County Down. So whilst we marvel and point out to children ‘that big, old, majestic tree’, ‘the wee squirrel’ or ‘the cute deer with the horns’, were actually marvelling at the species that are helping wipe out our native species like red squirrels (Tufty Club anyone??) and oak. (Interesting fact..... did you know that Doire, Derry in Irish, means Oak?? I didn’t. Now I do!) 

As my friend rightly pointed out; One man’s weed is another man’s wildflower. 

Ever since, I’ve been trying desperately to see my cancer in a wildflower type way.  I’ve seen the scans and they’re undoubtedly fascinating, though I’m not sure any amount of trying is going to allow me to see anything other than a weed to be plucked out by the root. I think that’s the scariest bit...... where is the root?? Is it in my DNA? Is it something I can effect? I don’t know. Nobody does. But I do know you can kill it off and essentially stunt growth.  I’ve turned off any sun or rain it might’ve been getting by looking after myself mentally and physically, and I’ve got the experts in with the Round Up. 

I want that weed out. Only wild flowers in there. The late, great Tom Petty often tells me I belong amongst them..... xxx

Ophelia, you cow......

“Piglet: Oh Owl, I don't mean to c-c-complain, but I'm afraid, I'm scared. 

Owl: Now, now, Piglet, Chin up and all that sort of thing. A rescue's being thought of. Be brrrave, little Piglet! 

Piglet: It's awfully hard to be b-b-b-b-brave when you're such a small animal. 

Owl: Then to divert your small mind from your unfortunate predicament, I shall tell you an amusing anecdote.”

Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day

Little did I realise how prophetic my last blog title would be.... It was all going so well...... then Ophelia started to make herself known.  She started by giving me a busting headache yesterday evening. She moved on to making it worse this morning. I had it somewhat tamed by the time my lovely District Nurse arrived to take bloods this morning. Ophelia then led to the cancellation of my sister’s flight, hence stressing me out and making my headache worse. She closed schools and hospitals, leading to me worrying chemo couldn’t be done tomorrow. 

On the flip side, she blew hubby home early and in perfect time to wipe away the ‘no chemo tomorrow’ tears, so maybe she’s not all bad.  And I can’t blame Ophelia for platelets of 44....... That’s just how chemo can go, it seems.  Treatment postponement is rough. I don’t want to do chemo, but I’ve committed to it so I certainly don’t want it dragged out any further than necessary. But this is why they check your bloods. To make sure you’re ok for the next one. I thought I was. I was sure I was. I’m not. Not this week. 

And so we accept it’s happened for a reason, give ourselves a break, calm down, and try again next week.  As Owl says “Chin  up and all that sort of thing”...... xxxx

The calm before Ophelia....

What a great week. Full of friends from all parts of my life.  Chats with some people I haven’t seen in far too long, catch ups with people who have solidly been by my side for the past 8 months, plus getting to know new friends. A week of being surrounded by happy, positive people. 

On Saturday night I even managed to go to a Bonfire, Beer and Busk. I missed the album launch of friends’, but baby steps....! Held in aid of Macmillan, it was being organised by friends I’ve recently made. I was determined to go to it, despite it being an ‘evening out’ challenge. In 8 months I think I’ve been out of bed after 8pm three times. Once to  do a charity walk, once to watch a short film on the banks of the Erne, and now  to watch other people drink beer while we all sing along to acoustic guitars. Each time has been wonderful!! The treatments have been exhausting, and it’s important to let my body recover, but it’s nice to push myself a wee bit every so often. I love music. I couldn’t go to a gig yet due to the noise/ crowds/ lights. I miss it. This event was perfect! A small group of people, a few with guitars. I laughed and I sang, and I laughed some more. 

I watched a man I knew from before (but not well) show a side I’d never have guessed was there, I sang along with a stranger who chose to sing what he described as a more ‘obscure’ song but is actually my favourite Ryan Adams song (Firecracker), I sang with a new (but already very dear) friend as she played the Bare Necessities on ukelele..... I enjoyed myself.  I got home late (by my standards!), exhausted, but with a smile on my face. Hubby was smiling too. There are so many people that have been dragged through this whole thing with me, not least my hubby and sister. My life has changed, but so has theirs in many ways. It’s difficult not to sometimes worry you’ve become a burden..... It’s difficult not to sometimes feel like everyone’s getting a bit bored with the whole brain tumour thing.  Get over it already. Someone once asked me what my ‘day to day’ looks like and I think that’s the toughest bit....  my day to day looks totally different to how it used to and is  ever changing. On Saturday night I was much more like my old self.....today I’ve got a pounding headache and am a bit stressed out due to blood tests and Storm Ophelia. The change in air pressure (I assume) gives me a headache like none I could ever imagine. Always did! I’m sure I’ve said it before, but two things guaranteed to give me blinding headaches that I was aware of prior to diagnosis were storms and anyone using an e-cigarette in my vicinity. It remains the same now, although the headaches are worse (due to treatment swelling I’d imagine). I can, and do, stay away from anyone vaping, but I can’t do much about Ophelia. Thankfully she’s moving quick so hopefully will be through quick. A duvet day is allowed...... especially as I’m also waiting for blood results later on. Poor marks will see tomorrow’s chemo put off. I hate the thought of another round of chemo, but it would be another one done and would put me at the halfway point. I committed to doing it but I just want it over with now!

I wasn’t sure if going out on Sat night would be too much. I had faint concerns about doing too much ahead of Tuesday, but I knew I’d be safe and hubby would bring me home if necessary. Sometimes you don’t know you’ve done too much until you do too much, and it can be good to push a bit!. In this case, thankfully, that doesn’t appear to have been the case.  

Yesterday brought another good day, measuring trees 🌲 (I was made aware that Rosie has a boyfriend......  she does but he’s 6m 8 so she’s still the boss!) I am now in contact with the National Trust and hope to get information updated! They’re also talking about doing up a Tree Trail, where you can visit all the ancient trees on NT properties. Somewhat quirky I’ll admit, but actually surprisingly interesting when you start reading! The book, The Hidden Life of Trees, might leave you with an interest you hadn’t expected  to gain! Or maybe I’ve just been off work too long....... Either way, I’m considering changing my name to Yogi and running tree hugging classes!! 

So after a great week, Ophelia appears to be kicking my ass a bit today. But like all other negative things in our lives, Ophelia is only passing through. Far more important are the constants. The positive people all around us. I’m confident I’m Ophelia proof. Let’s get halfway through this bit...... the last bit...... then I can go singing beside campfires and measuring trees, without over thought! Xxx

A simple act.....

“Appreciation is a wonderful thing: it makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.” 

Voltaire

Having bad things happen, makes you better appreciate the good. A cliche, I know........ rain and rainbows and all that....... But it’s true. Showing appreciation to people can be a very simple thing, but it can have a big impact. I used to joke that ‘a pat on the head from one of the bosses had me running around like a wee waggly tailed puppy!’ I guess we shouldn’t really need validation from others, but it’d be a very arrogant person that didn’t.  I try to make sure I say thank you, because I know how much it would mean to me. Not to mention the fact that people have done things for me over the last 8 months that have literally saved my life.  Friends and family have kept me afloat and stopped me refusing treatment, not to mention ensuring I still have a life and don’t make myself more physically unwell by crawling under the covers and not coming out. I try to tell them often. It doesn’t take much to give a hug (so long as you’re germ free!) or to embarrass someone while you declare  your love like a happy drunk “No, no, but you don’t understand...... I really love you!”  

Medical professionals can be more tricky. I’m conscious of being really intense  and scaring the complete crap out of them, but also think it’s important they know if they’ve done something that’s made all the difference. For me, these acts are generally simple things like a hand on your arm or just seeming to be interested. I can’t imagine how challenging it is, with budget cuts and constant staff shortages, and I tend to talk......... a lot......... So I’ll always try to take time to write a card. It doesn’t take too much to do but I don’t think there’s too many of us that haven’t smiled on receipt of a nice card. 

You don’t expect to get a ‘thank you for your thank you’.......... otherwise we’d all be stuck in a card writing circle......... perhaps not a bad plan!  This morning I woke up to two messages from people thanking me for the thank yous. One was from a doctor and one was from a nurse. They caused a literal rush of warmth across my heart. Every part of me smiled. Is there any feeling better than knowing you’ve made someone happy?? Well yes, there is..... the feeling you get when someone tells you you’ve made them happy by telling  them they made you happy! Simply acknowledging each other. 

What made me smile most was that both people seemed to be unsure if I’d remember them. Oh I remember them both, and will always be hugely grateful they were there. Do I remember the nurse who held my hand and reassured me as I took a seizure in the middle of the night and was convinced death was imminent? Yes, I remember her. Very clearly indeed. Do I remember the doctor who explained everything to me and helped calm me? (I talk about her in blog entry ‘Cocky’.... the title being aimed at me, not her!!) do I remember her beauty and her efficient yet kind manner? Yes, I remember her. Very clearly indeed.

Take time to say thank you. Appreciate what people do, whether it’s as heroic as emergency services, or simply something small that helped your day. What is it they say about giving up your seat for an older person on the bus? It might not seem like much to you, but it might make a huge difference to them. 

As I move towards the fear of another chemo cycle next week, I’ve had and am having a week of beautiful people, both in writing and in person. Warning my heart and holding my hand. Thank you xxx

Picking you up

A new friend paid me a massive compliment today that was really appreciated. She said of the blog that it was “Impossible not to see the world as you do after reading”. What a beautiful thing thing to say. 

And what a big responsibility....... I’d better see the world beautifully then, hadn’t I? Easy to pick people up, just as easy to pull them down. Ive been honest about my ‘emotional dips’, but I’d never want the blog to be a sad place. General feedback tells me it’s not, but it’s something I’m always conscious of.  The fact remains that I am being treated. It’s difficult treatment. I often grieve for my old life, but I’m also glad to have my eyes opened to the parts of it that did me no good.  We never lived a ‘big life’. We’ve never tried to keep up with the Joneses or coveted what others had. But I’ll admit to being out at work too many hours in a day, and to not taking enough ‘down time’.  Not drinking or running round going to gigs, actual ‘down time’. Walks and cuppas with friends. I did it, but not enough.  Now my favourite times are those spent laughing with friends or attending my weekly cancer rehabilitation Keep Fit class.  

This year it’s been easier for me to get time with people who care. I’m enjoying that. Some of those people have been complete revelations to me, others are solid reliable people I’d never have expected anything else from. Equally there’s been a few (though thankfully very few) disappointments. Some who just don’t know what to say or do, some who are just too busy to make time, some who were great but then just gradually fell away as their own lives (naturally) took priority, some who actually don’t give a damn. Honestly, if my friend were going through chemo, I think I’d fall into the former category. I wouldn’t know what to do. I wouldn’t want to intrude or overwhelm, but I’d do anything if steered in the right direction. 

People are funny old things....... Facebook will very quickly show you which are the ones to have around in crisis....... a quick way of telling apart people who delight in happy and silly, from the grief junkies and harbingers of doom. Sometimes I wonder at my audacity at saying things like that, when I’ve written so honestly about my emotions this year. Writing negatively can simply be some peoples’ way of getting it out of their system.  Sometimes though, I think some would  be better going for a walk........

Social media is both a blessing and a curse. I love delighting in a video of a person falling over as much as the next person, but sometimes I can’t look at one more post seemingly delighting in a terrible thing that’s happened, hourly selfies,  or another check in to a doctor surgery or hospital. And then there’s holidays....... I quite enjoy them usually! As long as it’s not all photos of you, drinking. I like the ones where I get to see where you’ve been. Just a few, carefully chosen snaps of happy faces and beautiful places.....  Where social media shows it’s worth sticking with, is its ability to spread information about events. It’s a quick, easy way to let people know about charity events or exciting things happening. For us, it’s like the Radio Times for gigs! I still haven’t managed to get to one all year, and it’s not looking likely for near future, but 2018........ watch out for an event that ticks the boxes for charity event, exciting things and gigs!

Chemo cycle 3 is due to start on Tuesday. Nerves are starting to build a bit. Im keeping chilled by telling myself the usual...... it’ll happen, you’ll be grand......if it doesn’t go ahead it’s because your body isn’t ready, enjoy the extra break. I did have two near strangers tell me yesterday that I look a lot better than the last time they saw me, and hubby is convinced I look better now than I did at this stage last time, so here’s hoping. It’s a marathon, not a sprint etc etc But of course there’s part of me that just wants to get it done. The’gggrrrr’ part that goes in like Rocky! Now that I have my line in, I’ll know on Monday afternoon if my bloods are ok or not. That’ll help. Better than going up and being sent home.

Another ‘not funny’ blog entry...... hmmmm...... what can I throw in?? There’s always something....... did I tell you about the time I left my house, having locked the front door but not shutting the handle properly?? A delivery man discovered my completely insecure house and went to tell a neighbour. The neighbour rang my husband, who rang me. My phone has been on silent for 8 months. Yes, I felt it buzzing, but it’s always buzzing. I was having lunch.....!! Izzy the wonder dog had everything under control anyway........ 

Or, even better....... how you can make mischief from over 50 miles away........  Remember when David Bowie died? Of course you do. It was all over the tv and radio. No getting away from the sad news. So much so that one of my team at work, deadpan, asked ‘Is Bowie dead??’ The joke continued with ‘Is Prince dead?’, ‘Is Glen Frey dead?’ Etc  To some this will seem like sacrilege, but I think most will understand you take your humour, even if sometimes a little dark, wherever you can find it when you work in a serious office, dealing with serious stuff.......  So, now I find myself sitting on something I’m itching to say...... I want to make my team laugh....... the guy who originally asked the question isn’t there...... what to do?? Why, enlist as many people who’s mobile numbers you have to pop their heads around the Office door and ask ‘Is Tom Petty dead?’....... one even delighted me by going freestyle and going back again later to ask ‘is Alan Rickman dead?’...... I’m not sure if the office found it funny, but I did! A silly way of reminding them I miss them!! A silly way of reminding myself I’m still part of the gang. A silly way of keeping myself laughing. I hope anyone who reads this will see or do some ‘silly’ today! Make sure to report back on activities! Xxx

Going wisely.....

“Go wisely and slowly. Those who rush stumble and fall.”

Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare

A quote clearly in relation to romance, however good advice in any context! Yesterday I had my first fall...... thankfully it was a very ‘slow fall’...... more of a stumble really, and I landed safely on my bed. No damage done, but a warning to take care. I can definitely feel myself weaker since I started chemo, but am sticking with the gentle walking and weakly rehab Keep Fit Class. Today we had a lovely walk in Ballycastle  for a nice change. Keep Fit wasn’t  on for a few weeks, but this week saw me back at it. It’s not what I would describe as strenuous...... in fact I should probably try to work a bit harder at it........ but I genuinely do find I need to go wisely with exercise!

In general it’s been a busy week with visitors, and this week is set to be the same. Good for me as it means 17th Oct and planned next chemo will come in quicker. The other day I began to have concerns that I was starting to wish my life away...... just wanting to get by until the end of chemo. My dear, clever friend reminded me “You’re just moving towards a short term goal”. The end of chemo is that goal. There’s nothing wrong with working towards it and then being able to be happy about achieving it.  What a good way to look at it! We do it all the time. I’m not wishing my life away, I’m just looking forward to the next bit of it.  And I’m doing it (mostly) with a smile on my face. 

Friends, old and new, continue to bouy me up. This week includes time with friends I wouldn’t have met if not for being unwell. Wonderful friends. Rays of sunshine coming through my front door, armed with a beautiful posie of fresh wildflowers, a honeypot, and a little soft Piglet. It’s a pleasure getting to know new people; finding out about others’ lives, the choices they’ve made and why, the fresh air that can be breathed into your life by ‘new’ conversations and opinions !  The week ahead brings more friends...... older ones this time. Equal pleasure but in different ways; the excitement of hearing what’s been going on, the mental stimulation of talking about subjects you should know a bit about, sharing old laughs.  

So, on reflection, as I move towards my short term goal of getting this damned chemo done, I realise that I’m far from wishing my life away! I’m enjoying it more than ever, enjoying the outdoors and sharing good times with those who’re important to me, whether newly met or known of old. If I’m killing time until chemo’s finished, I can’t think of a much better way to do it!! Xxx

Wind in the Willows Live

I’m no Kate Humble and there’s no webcam, but I have just returned from an almost perfect weekend in Fermanagh with hubby, sister and brother in law. I’m calling it Wind in the Willows Live, because that’s what it often felt like. Our accommodation is advertised as having ‘panoramic views of Lough Erne’ and it’s been honestly advertised! It was simply stunning. The Lough was so close to the decking, we could’ve dipped our toes in.  We didn’t...... we’d been warned about the pike.......

I’ve a notion I may have told the pike fear story before, but I’m not sure so I’ll go again, plus it has a cooler ending this time! I have a complete fear of pike, despite never having actually met one...... when we were kids my dad used to tell a story about a man he knew....... a friend of a friend........ urban myth type story! This man had allegedly caught a pike and was trying to get his hook out. The story we were told was that pike have very sharp teeth that are pointed backwards, towards its throat. So the man is removing his hook and the pike clamps down, trapping his hand. The only way he could get his hand out is to  rip it out, tearing all the skin off his hand. As you can imagine, the mention of pike  has curdled my blood ever since! 

I was told today, the backwards facing teeth thing isn’t actually true, although they do have lots of very sharp teeth (so still not a great idea to put your hand in the mouth of one!) I’ve since googled and it seems dad’s story about the teeth might’ve been true...... but the pike fisherman we met today disputed it. 

But how did I meet the pike fisherman I hear you ask?! Well, now that’s a good story....... 

Yesterday we were walking down to our accommodation and saw a girl with a wheelbarrow. She was taking stuff from the back of a car to an old fashioned looking boat. I laughed and commented on her ingenuity. She chatted back and commented that she was covered in dust. We walked on but I felt the need to go back....... I don’t know what boats have or don’t have and had no idea of her story, but she was clearly working hard so I offered her use of anything she might need in our lodge (shower, toilet etc). She explained she was helping set up a projector and screen to show a couple of short films later on. It was part of a wider arts festival going on in Fermanagh, and was being organised by the Row the Erne charity. She told us to come down later and watch the films. I liked her. She was friendly and smiley and full of fun. I decided then and there that I would go. Everyone else was more than happy to do it too. I almost reconsidered before going down later on because I was tired and was worried I’d end up regretting sitting outside on damp ground way past my bedtime...... but I don’t want to be the one who never does anything in the evenings. The charity seemed to have a great mix of trying to maintain historical information/practices, while allowing access for people of all backgrounds and abilities. The girl I’d met seemed really bubbly, and I wanted to show family that I’m willing to push myself in a reasonable way. So we went.

We carefully made our way along a path lit by fairy lights and burning torches. On arrival my new friend had kept us brilliant seats, and even came and wrapped a blanket around me to make sure I didn’t get cold. Clearly my instincts about her had been spot on! Yet another one of the wonderful people I seem to keep meeting along the way.......  We were given popcorn and settled down to watch ‘Boogaloo and Graham’...... we laughed with strangers and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Although the latest night I’ve had in many months, I was still tucked up in bed early. And, more importantly, completely relaxed and content. 

Don’t worry, I haven’t completely forgotten about the pike fisherman........ I had said to my new friend that I’d like to do a wee Erne trip before we left today, but we were limited for time due to sister’s flight. She knew a guy...... Today she let me know the guy’s details. Around 10.30am I found myself ringing this guy, explaining we had to leave at 12 but would like to do something! He didn’t have time to get his boat ready, but suggested we go to Devenish Island on the 11am ferry trip. I’m not generally prone to spontaneity...... or didn’t used to be........ the new Trish is a bit more devil may care. Plans? Everything pre organised? Pah! We’ve now 20 mins to get to a jetty somewhere....... I truly love my hubby, sister and brother in law for completely jumping aboard (no pun intended, but it was a good one!) and ignoring any slight niggles they might’ve had in the back of their minds against doing it.  And so it is that I met the pike fisherman. As he transported us to Devenish Island on an ‘arranged in 10 mins’ trip. 

I would NEVER have done this prior to diagnosis. Just not the way I was. Up for a laugh, but very responsible and completely ‘planned out’. Scheduled. There was a genuine risk of missed flights. A million things that could’ve gone wrong. Old risk averse Trish wouldn’t have taken the chance. Not so much now!!

Beautiful Fermanagh also brought other fun person. Yesterday I was given a hedgehog, made from a book. Fabulously ingenious and just really cute. The lady who gave it to me refused any payment, saying she only ever gives them to people. She said the only rule was I had to name it before leaving her second hand book shop.......  I originally named him Chum as my sister seemed to remember you can feed hedgehogs dog food, and I have a friend who spends a lot of time in Fermanagh and often calls me ‘chum’. I’ve since changed it to George, as that was one of the characters’ names I could see written on the folded pages. There was also a Penelope. Once I saw Roderiges enter the mix, and read some more of the half sentences, I realised it was best not to think much further about what the book had started out as.....!

I have two more stories from Fermanagh. One is more ‘another strand in the spider’s web’. The other is just funny.

Strand first. Before leaving Fermanagh, we visited friends. A guy my hubby went to school with and his family. It’d been way too long. The conversation came around to religion. Mixed and easy company made it easy for everyone to chat openly. If I were to tell you that the priest who I insisted on seeing whilst unable to sleep after awake surgery was a former next door neighbour of our friends when they were young..... when my hubby would’ve often visited and stayed........And that their fathers were close friends, you wouldn’t believe it, would you?? But I am telling you it. And you wonder why I feel the need to write?? If that doesn’t make you smile, I’m not sure what will!!

And finally (I promise), the funny....... While gazing out across the Lough, we had noticed ‘a thing’. Kind of like a wicker tunnel on a stake, lifting it up out of the water. We all had different theories about what it could be. Hubby thought it was a perch for heron (mainly because a heron was perched on it....), bro in law thought a home for some sort of mammal like a water vole, I thought otter nesting boxes. Big sis was idilly flicking through a magazine, but when pushed she also went for man made perch. A short time later we were having some breakfast in the hotel. Unable to stop wondering, I asked a waitress what it was......... I’m going to say it was a combination of asking the wrong person and me not explaining myself properly, but the response of “Is it a bungalow?” has me laughing every time I think about it!! My favourite funny moment of the day cane early snd was a corker!! 

For those of you, like me and bro in law, who HAVE to know....... it seems they’re mallard nesting tunnels! I’m slightly disappointed by this. There’s ducks everywhere. Should we not spend time helping others more in need?? I think it’s because mallards generally nest on grass so the hotel are trying to keep them out of the way?? Answers on a postcard...... 

A lovely weekend, filled with family, beautiful surroundings, new and old friends and laughs. Doesn’t get much better than that........ xxx

More hugs not drugs

This blog entry is purely to share something that I found very funny. As ever, some will chuckle with me and others will scratch their heads. There's nothing particularly interesting or revelationary in it, but it made me laugh. Hopefully it'll make some other people laugh too.

Anyone who's regularly reading this blog, or who knows me, will know I don't like taking prescription drugs. I know I have to take particular ones for my own safety and I do what the experts tell me to do. I'm doing chemo......... I think that proves I'm willing to take what the experts tell me I need to take! I do not take any medication lightly however. I know the stats around prescription drug abuse in this country. 

Local abuse of drugs like diazepam is a problem that has been growing for years. One that is often incorrectly blamed on police....... Clearly, some of that is street and online sales, however there is also a frightening level of overprescribing and a cultural acceptance that popping a pill will make you feel better. Police have their part to play, but Dept of Health etc also have a huge amount of responsibility in this area.  It needs a collaborative approach to solve the different parts of the problem. Hard to do when you have senior politicians acting like children........ Not s great example to be setting. Whilst part of our charm is the fact we're often a bit behind the times, it'd be nice to see us trying to embrace more complimentary therapies. I'm not talking about plants etc with no scientific research to back them. There are an awful lot of snake oil salesmen out there preying on desperate and vulnerable people. I'm talking about relaxation therapies etc. It'd be nice to see more walking groups and classes showing people how to deep breathe. Most available tend to be supported by charities rather than govt. No research to support? Do the research. Pills might be cheap in the short term, but you'd save far more money long term by finding other ways.

Hmmm, did I get a bit opinionated?? I'm reigning myself in..... Please note, all views expressed are my own, and may not be reflected by the organisation I work for, my friends, family or someone I've vaguely brushed past in the last few months..... 

Not very funny so far, I hear you cry...... Fair point. Back to the point.... there's always a point, it can just take me a while to get there!! A friend once called it 'meandering'..... I quite liked that. And I like that he said it about two years ago, so nothing has changed! Anyway, the funny bit......

I'm sometimes quite 'difficult' about prescription drugs. I don't like taking them. I've no doubt psychologists would tell me it's 'a control thing'. I've found most medical professionals have been pretty good about this quirk. They explain things to me and reassure me. 

Between my two surgeries, while in hospital, I took a seizure. Not as significant as the original one that started this whole mess, but big enough. As a result I had to be started on an additional anti seizure medication. Makes sense. There could be absolutely no risk of me taking another one during the awake surgery. Unfortunately this drug has a name that sounds vaguely similar to fentonyl. That's not what it is, nor is it in any way similar. I had made my feelings quite clear about the fact that I didn't want it. I was frightened and stressed, and was in between two major surgeries, so it's probably fair to say I over reacted.... I don't really remember, but I do remember being convinced they were trying to give me it in patch form and tried to remove the sticky covering on a cannula...... Eventually I was calmed down and reassured it wasn't fentonyl I was being given and not to panic.

Fast forward a few months to now. I'm still taking a small amount of that anti seizure medication, with the aim of both my neurologist and I to get it stopped asap. You can't just stop taking anti seizure meds, especially while getting chemo, so there has to be a longer term plan. Reality is that I'll probably have to take something for the rest of my life, the aim is as little as possible of the one proven most effective.

Longest

Story

Ever

A former Ward mate sent me a news story the other day about fentonyl being found mixed with heroin on the streets of NI. She asked me had I managed to get off it because she knew I hadn't been happy taking it!! Those of you who are still reading are likely to be work colleagues who'll hopefully see why I found this funny! It bothers me to take paracetamol, I don't think I'll be starting on the   heavy opiates any time soon.......

Perhaps not that entertaining, but I thought it was funny..... xxx

The girl got big...... Whole lotta Rosie

In my humble opinion, you cannot legitimately claim a tree is the fattest Sitka spruce in Ireland if it hasn't been measured in 55 years....... 6m in 1962 is all well and good, but it's 2017! That's lazy advertising for a forest that's beautiful....... and contains a beautiful tree! Kids and adults alike are drawn to it.......if you've any any appreciation of nature at all then you can't help but go over and hug it! 

That sort of curiosity isn't something I'd ever want to lose, however I'm happy to accept that time off work and a life shock have made me worry less about what others think. You might think it's a bit weird to go and measure the width a tree because you're curious?? I humbly suggest that you're taking life too seriously. Thankfully I have family and friends who aren't afraid to embrace their inner curious child...... or trees........ 

So let's not drag it out....... the fun ones amongst you are dying to know....... the ones who've kept hold of childlike curiousity because they understand the important things in life........ So for you...... 

our Sitka spruce has put on quite some weight....... she is now 7m 6. I tried to find out the average rate of growth of a Sitka spruce in NI, but ended up going round in internet circles. 1m 6 seems to me like a healthy amount over 55 years. I have named her Rosie (whole lotta...... you'll either get it or you won't!) The spruce is doing well. Strong. Resilient. Tenacious. Winning. Xxx

Looking Spruce!

The night before last I felt like I hardly slept. I woke up with the image of a photograph in my head and couldn't settle due to the urge to go and look for it. It's just as well I resisted the urge, because i found out the next day that it wasn't where I thought it was..... in fact it wasn't in my house, or even the country. My sister had it! So I'm glad I was able to relax my mind into knowing there was no need to get up in the middle of the night to look for something! I'm going to call that further progress!!

The photo was of me and my sister, with my mum. So I was under 5 years old in it. The photo I remember was of us walking down a forest path, with one of us on either side, holding her hand. What woke me was the image of the matching t-shirts my sister and I were wearing........ each with a cartoon tree on them and the words "I'm looking Spruce"! It struck me as funny, given all my talk of 'my' Sitka Spruce out at Downhill.

In reality, my memory of the photo wasn't quite right. I am actually wearing a t-shirt from a holiday in Tunisia and only my sister has the Spruce t-shirt. She says if she had it now, she'd give it to me, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she would. I was a bit disappointed when I saw my lack of Spruce t-shirt...... it would've entertained me hugely to see me in it. 

It's incidences like this that make me curious..... In a similar way to my Wind in the Willows obsession, it feels a bit like old memories are coming back. Ones I didn't always realise I had. Spruce trees are somehow comforting due to childhood memories? 

This is when I start to get curious about the brain and how it works, including what has been done to mine...... I know the area where I had surgery is involved in forming new memories. I notice the effects. I'll remember someone I haven't seen in 20 years, but forget what I did this morning. Mostly it's funny and always manageable if I just concentrate..... if I'm carrying out a task I can't get distracted, or it won't get finished. But if I focus then it's grand. Some of the very old memories popping back in is the thing I find most interesting........ it almost feels like new memories are trying to hook onto old ones to ensure they're kept. And to provide comfort. Don't forget to go measure the tree..... 'I'm looking Spruce'. You're safe on the riverbank......childhood toy Moley........ 

I'm very curious about it, and I know I could find out more if I wanted (I've got the brain expert contacts now unfortunately!!) But no, I don't think I need to know anymore just yet. Maybe some time, but at the moment I think I'll content myself with knowing my tumour-damaged cells are healing. However they choose to do that is fine with me! 

Isn't the brain great?? Look at what it can do! I'm now frequently reminded. And I'm unashamedly impressed! Keep healing like this and by this time next year I could be a flippin brain surgeon!! Who'd have known so much was going on up there?? I hid it well....!

But thinking too much about it leads to more thinking too much about it........ that can become counter productive for me, as I can overthink and over analyse and sometimes catastrophise...... so I'll just stick with smiling at 'looking Spruce', measuring trees, relaxing, feeling safe and content, and using the remainder of my time off to enjoy the company of friends, old and new. The wide world will have me back soon enough...... xxx