Sure enough, he arrived and has gone onto my list of 'one veins'! Another no nonsense nurse..... reassuring, confident in their ability and then just gets on with it. Exactly what you need! I have to admit that I find my local nurses more settling..... country girls like country folk looking after them! Not to say there weren't some exceptional nurses at RVH, because there really were. Sometimes it's nice to hear a country accent and have a laugh with a local bloke.
I remain really tired.... but it's a different type of tired to the last few days. Sleepy. Not fatigued. Tired from a good night's sleep and getting up too early. Not an overwhelming fatigue that you just can't shake. I could probably do with a wee doze but I've visitors coming. A friend coming at 1 and another at 2.30. Both happy folks (as all my friends tend to be!) who will keep me 'up'. Though I have to say that I think I'm through the blues now. There had been talk of antidepressants but I'm glad to say I can't take them due to epilepsy. Deep down I'm (somewhat ironically) really happy about that..... I think knowing I was on antidepressants would probably have made me more depressed! I'd have judged myself for it. Wrongly.
We all have bad days and I fully accept that some people need help to get through them. Despite a few very bad days recently, I still do not believe I'm one of them. I'd rather use other tactics...... I guess it's my own form of CBT........ my friends, having a laugh, music, making myself get up and do stuff. I can do all those things. My difficulty was the intense fatigue making it so hard to fight against the dips. I was exhausted. You can't get up and do fun stuff when you're constantly just trying to keep your eyes open. If today is anything to go by, then that's passed. I guess the next few days will tell. I really hope so! I can fight anything; tumour, misery, whatever, if I'm mentally somewhat sharp. That heavy exhaustion just makes you miserable and then everything escalates.
I'll still go to counselling when I move my up the queue - I accept the need for that. Today is a much better day and it's set to be a great weekend. One of my wardmates is having s fundraising event at her home tomorrow so I'm hoping I'll be up to going to it. My sister is over in the morning so will take me. It's quite far away so that'd be a fabulous achievement for me. It also allows me to start seriously considering a few other massive steps forward...... I'd like to go and see my see my special priest and I'd also like to call into work to thank everyone for their immense support and show them that I'm doing ok and don't look too awful. Those are big things for me. But important too. I don't want to do them too soon and set myself back by putting myself under pressure. But I know the sense of achievement and positive energy that will come from them will be brilliant. The biggest problem is not knowing how I'll feel from one day to the next. Today I could climb a mountain (slowly, but I'd give it a shot)..... on Tuesday I could barely lift my head. Surgery? Medication? Brain tumour? Depression? Who knows?? There is so much going on and it all happened so suddenly that it's impossible to know..... That's the biggest shock for me. I really didn't have any major symptoms. A few niggles, but nothing major. I was independent, confident, living a full life. Then all of a sudden I'm dependent on so many, often anxious, have the trauma of the diagnosis and treatment, can't sleep at night without someone beside me, am physically weak, and often burst into tears. Not really the Trish everyone knew. In some ways I'm exactly the same person, if a little supercharged. In other ways I know I've changed so much.
In some ways it's not a bad thing. I'm learning what's important. I won't waste time on anything that isn't. Im seeing the amazing people I have in my life and I'm truly grateful for them..... not just words, actually knowing. Relationships are changing for the better. Bonds that will never be broken. Friendships strengthened and formed. I've said from the start that was the blessing to be taken from this and I still believe it to be true.
I found a blog yesterday of an American woman celebrating her 11th year since her initial surgery by climbing a mountain!! I've also been in contact with a local woman who's through surgery, radio and her second round of chemo, and remains positive and upbeat. People do this. They get it under control and they go back to their lives. Perhaps slightly changed lives, but fulfilling lives. I can't imagine not going back to work. Working in Belfast might be a step too far, but work is a definite aim for me, I won't know until I get through further treatment, but I hope that'll be the future for me. One day at a time. One hour at a time. Surrounded by my cage.
Xxxx
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