Today I was awake for sevensies but went back to sleep for a few hours after. Truthfully I felt a bit shaky when I woke up again. My blood sugars were fine, but I just felt a bit unwell. Tremoury. That made me nervous and started another cryathon...... Feels a bit like I've been crying all week! Anyway, I got up, got showered. He helped me try and do a better job of combing my hair..... I'm making such a mess of that! Not that it really matters, but knots can be painful to try and comb out once they're embedded in there.
Next he made me lunch and we went out. Terrible weather. I didn't want to go to portrush or portstewart on St Patrick's Day - I couldn't deal with getting stuck in traffic. So Binevenagh again. Couldn't get out the car, the weather was so bad!
During the drive I received a phone call from someone who has been incredible throughout this entire thing. A work colleague who has treated me exactly the same from day 1. Makes me feel normal. A truly special person who I've appreciated so much.
Anyway, Binevenagh was too miserable so we came back and went for a short walk in a forest close to our home. Pouring with rain, but sheltered. I could put my hood up and at least get a bit of a leg stretch. All important.
When we got home Big Man had to pop to the supermarket so I have sorted out a small amount of washing. Nothing too much - just taking a load out, hanging it up, and putting another load in. All things any normal person should be able to do. Pushing just enough.....! Now it's time to put dinner on and then we'll watch a bit of tv (usually Pointless and the News) before a quiet night relaxing on top of bed, watching tv.
Then a good sleep hopefully! Tomorrow I'd imagine will go much the same. Though I might not sleep in. I'm not sure it helps me. I usually wake up feeling worse and often anxious. I guess I can't expect there not to be any symptoms, given what I've been through and the medications I'm on. But I get nervous of each one. I feel like I get one thing managed and then something else comes along (or comes back)....... the mental battle remains the hardest....... again, I guess that's to be expected when there's something in your head that shouldn't be there!!.....
I can't even begin to think about my oncology appt on Thursday. I'm terrified and it puts me into such a negative place. So I'm blocking that one out. It's ok to cry, but I can't cry all the time for nearly a week! I'm locking that one away, continuing to be positive, and will deal with whatever they say whenever they say it. I can't change it anyway. I'm terrified of radio or chemo, but honestly also terrified they'll say they won't do anything..... that I'll get a timescale. I can't imagine them wasting so much time and energy on two surgeries and two weeks in the RVH if that was the case, so I know I'm being stupid. Good luck to any doctor who tries to tell me it too....... not happening. The surgeries were successful. We're winning.
So in general, doing ok...... emotional, scared, anxious, fighting, strong, grateful for everyone around me. Probably the same emotions everyone with a serious health diagnosis feels. And that's ok. We're all human.
Keep picking me up, keep making me laugh. It makes such a difference.
Xxx
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